The biggest wedding etiquette sins

antoto · February 2014

MrsAitch said:

shrekspeare said:

I may have forgotten to include return postage for the RSVP envelopes. I think that's pretty bad.

I actually don't think this is a big deal at all. But I'm pretty much an old lady in a 20 somethings body and carry around a book of stamps in my purse (actually I keep it in my checkbook...) and wouldn't think twice about having to put a stamp on an RSVP.

Miss Manners actually considers including RSVP cards at all to be rude.

I read that as well. Gosh it seems like it would be really difficult to plan if you have no idea how many people are coming. I invited over 100 people but only 64 are coming. If I had set up my venue for the amount of people I invited it would have looked pretty crazy on the day of...

MrsAitch · February 2014

antoto said:

MrsAitch said:

shrekspeare said:

I may have forgotten to include return postage for the RSVP envelopes. I think that's pretty bad.

I actually don't think this is a big deal at all. But I'm pretty much an old lady in a 20 somethings body and carry around a book of stamps in my purse (actually I keep it in my checkbook...) and wouldn't think twice about having to put a stamp on an RSVP.

Miss Manners actually considers including RSVP cards at all to be rude.

I read that as well. Gosh it seems like it would be really difficult to plan if you have no idea how many people are coming. I invited over 100 people but only 64 are coming. If I had set up my venue for the amount of people I invited it would have looked pretty crazy on the day of...

Miss Manners thinks you should expect the best of your guests and that when they receive a wedding invitation, they know that need to respond in a prompt manner with a letter in the same style as the invitation on their own stationery and should be capable of stamping and addressing the envelope themselves too. Such a letter would read something like

Mr. and Mrs. John Aitch
accept with pleasure/regret that they are unable to accept
the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. James Smith
for Saturday, the third of May.

Reading her books kind of makes me want to respond to wedding invitations like this for fun. And purchase stationery. But pretty much everyone does RSVP cards now and most people think you're rude if you don't include them because most people haven't read Miss Manners.

Edited to add a missing word.

NYCBruin · February 2014

antoto said:

MrsAitch said:

shrekspeare said:

I may have forgotten to include return postage for the RSVP envelopes. I think that's pretty bad.

I actually don't think this is a big deal at all. But I'm pretty much an old lady in a 20 somethings body and carry around a book of stamps in my purse (actually I keep it in my checkbook...) and wouldn't think twice about having to put a stamp on an RSVP.

Miss Manners actually considers including RSVP cards at all to be rude.

I read that as well. Gosh it seems like it would be really difficult to plan if you have no idea how many people are coming. I invited over 100 people but only 64 are coming. If I had set up my venue for the amount of people I invited it would have looked pretty crazy on the day of...

Well, proper etiquette that you RSVP to an invitation. A lack of pre-made response card is no excuse to not respond to an invitation.

sarahufl · February 2014

Inkdancer said:

sarahufl said:

The people at Macy's were SO aggressive with their "Dream Fund" card. FI and I both had to tell the woman repeatedly that we didn't want it. If you add it on a Macy's registry, it ends up in a very prominent position at the top of your registry and it just felt tacky.

If people want to give us GCs, awesome. But let them choose that option.

Wow. We were just at Macy's this weekend and when I said "no Dream Fund, no gift cards" she took it off no problem.

They made it seem like it was a travesty.

tesgirl123 · February 2014

Inkdancer said:

sarahufl said:

The people at Macy's were SO aggressive with their "Dream Fund" card. FI and I both had to tell the woman repeatedly that we didn't want it. If you add it on a Macy's registry, it ends up in a very prominent position at the top of your registry and it just felt tacky.

If people want to give us GCs, awesome. But let them choose that option.

Wow. We were just at Macy's this weekend and when I said "no Dream Fund, no gift cards" she took it off no problem.

now I am pissed because the women at Macys, Bed Bath and Beyond and Pottery Barn all told me they could not override the default settings for the GC item.

Inkdancer · February 2014

tesgirl123 said:

Inkdancer said:

sarahufl said:

The people at Macy's were SO aggressive with their "Dream Fund" card. FI and I both had to tell the woman repeatedly that we didn't want it. If you add it on a Macy's registry, it ends up in a very prominent position at the top of your registry and it just felt tacky.

If people want to give us GCs, awesome. But let them choose that option.

Wow. We were just at Macy's this weekend and when I said "no Dream Fund, no gift cards" she took it off no problem.

now I am pissed because the women at Macys, Bed Bath and Beyond and Pottery Barn all told me they could not override the default settings for the GC item.

Well that was rude of them. They can absolutely do that.

grumbledore · February 2014

MrsAitch said:

antoto said:

MrsAitch said:

shrekspeare said:

I may have forgotten to include return postage for the RSVP envelopes. I think that's pretty bad.

I actually don't think this is a big deal at all. But I'm pretty much an old lady in a 20 somethings body and carry around a book of stamps in my purse (actually I keep it in my checkbook...) and wouldn't think twice about having to put a stamp on an RSVP.

Miss Manners actually considers including RSVP cards at all to be rude.

I read that as well. Gosh it seems like it would be really difficult to plan if you have no idea how many people are coming. I invited over 100 people but only 64 are coming. If I had set up my venue for the amount of people I invited it would have looked pretty crazy on the day of...

Miss Manners thinks you should expect the best of your guests and that when they receive a wedding invitation, they know that need to respond in a prompt manner with a letter in the same style as the invitation on their own stationery and should be capable of stamping and addressing the envelope themselves too. Such a letter would read something like

Mr. and Mrs. John Aitch
accept with pleasure/regret that they are unable to accept
the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. James Smith
for Saturday, the third of May.

Reading her books kind of makes me want to respond to wedding invitations like this for fun. And purchase stationery. But pretty much everyone does RSVP cards now and most people think you're rude if you don't include them because most people haven't read Miss Manners.

Edited to add a missing word.

I'm in love with this. I've been power-watching Downton Abbey for three days. But I know my crowd, and they won't do this, and I'd be up a creek trying to finalize anything with no idea if people were coming.

antoto · February 2014

MrsAitch said:

antoto said:

MrsAitch said:

shrekspeare said:

I may have forgotten to include return postage for the RSVP envelopes. I think that's pretty bad.

I actually don't think this is a big deal at all. But I'm pretty much an old lady in a 20 somethings body and carry around a book of stamps in my purse (actually I keep it in my checkbook...) and wouldn't think twice about having to put a stamp on an RSVP.

Miss Manners actually considers including RSVP cards at all to be rude.

I read that as well. Gosh it seems like it would be really difficult to plan if you have no idea how many people are coming. I invited over 100 people but only 64 are coming. If I had set up my venue for the amount of people I invited it would have looked pretty crazy on the day of...

Miss Manners thinks you should expect the best of your guests and that when they receive a wedding invitation, they know that need to respond in a prompt manner with a letter in the same style as the invitation on their own stationery and should be capable of stamping and addressing the envelope themselves too. Such a letter would read something like

Mr. and Mrs. John Aitch
accept with pleasure/regret that they are unable to accept
the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. James Smith
for Saturday, the third of May.

Reading her books kind of makes me want to respond to wedding invitations like this for fun. And purchase stationery. But pretty much everyone does RSVP cards now and most people think you're rude if you don't include them because most people haven't read Miss Manners.

Edited to add a missing word.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH brain freeze, I feel like an idiot. I get it now

Yeah I included rsvp cards but I don't really regret it. I don't think anyone I know even knows who Miss Manners is...

Mitch617 · February 2014

shrekspeare said:

tesgirl123 said:

Inkdancer said:

sarahufl said:

The people at Macy's were SO aggressive with their "Dream Fund" card. FI and I both had to tell the woman repeatedly that we didn't want it. If you add it on a Macy's registry, it ends up in a very prominent position at the top of your registry and it just felt tacky.

If people want to give us GCs, awesome. But let them choose that option.

Wow. We were just at Macy's this weekend and when I said "no Dream Fund, no gift cards" she took it off no problem.

now I am pissed because the women at Macys, Bed Bath and Beyond and Pottery Barn all told me they could not override the default settings for the GC item.

@tesgirl123: You can remove the gift cards from the Pottery Barn registry. If you go online to the registry, at the bottom of the list of items you've registered for, there is a box that let's you remove them. You just need to click the box and hit 'update'. Hope this helps!

Same thing with Macy's. She could have removed it at the store for you but you can also do it online.

Jen4948 · February 2014

KatWAG said:

Using kids as props. IE, having a flower girl or a kid carry a sign with a cutesy saying on it, and then not inviting them to the reception.

Jen, love the list but I would move having a gap higher up on the list of gievances

I said, the list was in no particular order.

fionahalliwell · February 2014

Someone said something about VIP treatment for WP members. I totally agree with that with the exception of +1s for WP even if you aren't giving them to other truly single guests.

LondonLisa · February 2014

tesgirl123 said:

jessicabessica said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

@thisismynickname leave it. All of my registries tack on a gift card at the bottom too. No ones thinking you're asking for cash. I'd just leave it alone.

I disagree. Guests know that if you register at a store, you would appreciate receiving a gift card to that store. Putting it on the registry is just insulting. I know that many stores do that by default these days, but if you can uncheck the box, I would do that.

The three stores I registered at would not let me uncheck the option and I specifically asked about removing the GC option and was told I could not. I complained at all three stores and it didn't help at all. Unfortunately, looking into other stores for a possible registry, most of them include the GC without letting you opt out.
LondonLisa said:
Also, large gaps so the couple can go take photos at multiple locations.

Couples that do not understand the difference between choose and forced- ie "we HAVE to have a gap because our church only does 2pm weddings and our reception hall opens at 6". That is not a forced upon a couple, they CHOSE to have their receptions.

This must be a regional thing. I live in NJ and am Catholic. I have been to primarily Catholic weddings in this state and there is always a gap between the service and the reception. You assume that the service is a full Mass(typically 1 hour) and then wedding reception will start a couple of hours later. Most guests use the time to check into the hotel and freshen up. It's not ideal but since its so normal, most people don't care and expect it.

You are confusing tradition with ettiquite. Cash Bars and dollar dances are also the "done thing" in some parts of North America, it doesn't make them any less rude. The "Catholic Gap" is not a unique problem. If it is that important to for someone to be married in a Catholic church (no judgement- I can completely understand why some people choose this) then you must host your gusts immediately after your ceremony. It doesn't matter if everyone lives next door to the church- Gaps are rude. Period. End of story. Being Catholic is not a magic excuse to have gaps.. Again, the couple is CHOOSING to be married in the Catholic Church that only has afternoon ceremonies, therefore they must have their cocktail hour and reception start immediately after the mass.

fionahalliwell · February 2014

Just out of plain curiosity, Catholic weddings can't be held at night? I always thought it was that specific churches didn't do weddings after a certain time. Interesting...

JCbride2015 · February 2014

LondonLisa said:

tesgirl123 said:

jessicabessica said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

@thisismynickname leave it. All of my registries tack on a gift card at the bottom too. No ones thinking you're asking for cash. I'd just leave it alone.

I disagree. Guests know that if you register at a store, you would appreciate receiving a gift card to that store. Putting it on the registry is just insulting. I know that many stores do that by default these days, but if you can uncheck the box, I would do that.

The three stores I registered at would not let me uncheck the option and I specifically asked about removing the GC option and was told I could not. I complained at all three stores and it didn't help at all. Unfortunately, looking into other stores for a possible registry, most of them include the GC without letting you opt out.
LondonLisa said:
Also, large gaps so the couple can go take photos at multiple locations.

Couples that do not understand the difference between choose and forced- ie "we HAVE to have a gap because our church only does 2pm weddings and our reception hall opens at 6". That is not a forced upon a couple, they CHOSE to have their receptions.

This must be a regional thing. I live in NJ and am Catholic. I have been to primarily Catholic weddings in this state and there is always a gap between the service and the reception. You assume that the service is a full Mass(typically 1 hour) and then wedding reception will start a couple of hours later. Most guests use the time to check into the hotel and freshen up. It's not ideal but since its so normal, most people don't care and expect it.

You are confusing tradition with ettiquite. Cash Bars and dollar dances are also the "done thing" in some parts of North America, it doesn't make them any less rude. The "Catholic Gap" is not a unique problem. If it is that important to for someone to be married in a Catholic church (no judgement- I can completely understand why some people choose this) then you must host your gusts immediately after your ceremony. It doesn't matter if everyone lives next door to the church- Gaps are rude. Period. End of story. Being Catholic is not a magic excuse to have gaps.. Again, the couple is CHOOSING to be married in the Catholic Church that only has afternoon ceremonies, therefore they must have their cocktail hour and reception start immediately after the mass.

I live in NJ and can assure you, this is not a regional thing. I have only been to one wedding with a gap and (1) many people did not attend the ceremony, but (2) guests were complaining about the gap to each other. Yeah, it might be done a lot regardless of the region, but it's still rude. Lots of posters on these boards have had Catholic weddings with no gap. It just means the reception starts a little early. Part of the trade-off of wanting a church wedding.

Amyzen83 · February 2014

Jen4948 said:

AddieL73 said:

Lack of cake. OK, that's not really one.

Oh yes it is!!! In fact, that's probably the biggest wedding etiquette sin of all!

I think it's time to bring back...

APDSS22 · February 2014

fionahalliwell said:

Just out of plain curiosity, Catholic weddings can't be held at night? I always thought it was that specific churches didn't do weddings after a certain time. Interesting...

@fionahalliwell Our Catholic church gave us the option to have our wedding at 7pm after the conclusion of Saturday night mass. I don't know if it is something our particular parish is accommodating about, but we did have the option to have a later evening ceremony. We opted for a 1:30pm mass with a reception immediately following at a nearby funky/historic hotel.

Amyzen83 · February 2014

Jen4948 said:

1) NOT ENOUGH CAKE!
2) Emotional "scenes"/violence and or Drunkenness/use of illegal substances
3) Uninviting/or sending YOU ARE NOT invited cards
4) Not including relationship partners as plus-ones/Inviting them as "and guest"
5) Inviting people to pre-wedding especially gift giving events but not the actual wedding, and Tiered hospitality
6) Gaps and crappy flow and Expecting guests to work wedding without compensation - I put at the same level of rudeness
7) Not enough food/drinks, Insufficient seating, No protection from elements
8) "Adults only"/Indicating who's not invited on invitations, Registry info in wedding invitations
9) Couple/hosts ignore guests
10) Potluck receptions
11) cash Bars
12) No thank-yous for gifts, or if by chance people helped you out
13) Unsupervised kids
14) Cash requests/registries
15) Insufficient/unsanitary bathrooms
16) PPDs
17) Food/drinks of poor quality - because at least food/drinks were served

I hope you don't mind, I ordered your list by what I find most offensive and some I found equally offensive but I don't speak for the masses.

FiancB · February 2014

That's so weird about the rsvp thing! I would think it's polite to make it as easy on your guests as possible. Who knew. I know I'm terrible about mailing stuff out (it's such a rarity I never have stamps on hand, let alone stationery) that I will definitely have them ready to go.

I wonder if there was a time when registries were considered rude, period. IDK, I think it's kind of weird to tell guests what you want, but obviously it's very normal these days. I know my sister didn't register in 99 and ended up with at least 3 VCRs, but maybe she was just kind of clueless with that stuff.

Some stuff I find in poor taste but doesn't get the reaction out of me like it does some others. Like I don't really mind cash bars that much, and if someone has a PPD well that's on them. When it comes to comfort and having a good time though, all bets are off. Hate gaps and not having enough seats is awful. Having the reception and ceremony a long distance apart from each other is pretty bad too.

fionahalliwell · February 2014

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

fionahalliwell said:

Just out of plain curiosity, Catholic weddings can't be held at night? I always thought it was that specific churches didn't do weddings after a certain time. Interesting...

@fionahalliwell Our Catholic church gave us the option to have our wedding at 7pm after the conclusion of Saturday night mass. I don't know if it is something our particular parish is accommodating about, but we did have the option to have a later evening ceremony. We opted for a 1:30pm mass with a reception immediately following at a nearby funky/historic hotel.

Thank you! And your venue sounds amazing.

SP29 · February 2014

Same with BB&B, you can go online and edit your gift registry.

Jen4948 · February 2014

Amyzen83 said:

Jen4948 said:

1) NOT ENOUGH CAKE!
2) Emotional "scenes"/violence and or Drunkenness/use of illegal substances
3) Uninviting/or sending YOU ARE NOT invited cards
4) Not including relationship partners as plus-ones/Inviting them as "and guest"
5) Inviting people to pre-wedding especially gift giving events but not the actual wedding, and Tiered hospitality
6) Gaps and crappy flow and Expecting guests to work wedding without compensation - I put at the same level of rudeness
7) Not enough food/drinks, Insufficient seating, No protection from elements
8) "Adults only"/Indicating who's not invited on invitations, Registry info in wedding invitations
9) Couple/hosts ignore guests
10) Potluck receptions
11) cash Bars
12) No thank-yous for gifts, or if by chance people helped you out
13) Unsupervised kids
14) Cash requests/registries
15) Insufficient/unsanitary bathrooms
16) PPDs
17) Food/drinks of poor quality - because at least food/drinks were served

I hope you don't mind, I ordered your list by what I find most offensive and some I found equally offensive but I don't speak for the masses.

Everyone has their own ideas about what the correct order should be, so that's why I disclaimed that I put the list in any particular order. It doesn't even really reflect what I think is necessarily the right order-I was just putting down my ideas on the go.

Amyzen83 · February 2014

Good idea! I agreed with everything on that list but added some things and wanted to put in order of what I get my panties in a bunch over

Jen4948 · February 2014

Amyzen83 said:

Good idea! I agreed with everything on that list but added some things and wanted to put in order of what I get my panties in a bunch over

Thanks for your contributions!

Amyzen83 · February 2014

Gotta keep the brides of the future classy and polite and triumph over the bridezilla obsessed wedding industry right?

Jen4948 · February 2014

Amyzen83 said:

Gotta keep the brides of the future classy and polite and triumph over the bridezilla obsessed wedding industry right?

Absolutely!

kmmssg · February 2014

You know, we sit here daily and discuss etiquette but the rest of the world is out there not doing that. Most people have NO idea that there is any reason to think pre-printed RSVPs are rude - I personally see them as a necessary thing in this day of far more casual lifestyles and interactions.

"Back in my day" you could go to a place like Walmart and buy matching stationery and envelopes. For kicks I checked the other day and there is none. I had the coolest pink and blue tie die stationery back in the 70's I used to write to my older brother. When I had a boyfriend in the Navy in 78-79 I had much nicer stationery to write to him. I was a huge letter writer so I would get the stuff for Christmas all the time - it was a really inexpensive gift that I used all the time.

Who writes letters every week anymore? Who has stationery anymore? Who even KNOWS you should respond on your own stationery to a wedding invitation?

I do agree with the list - and my DD has heard it all as we have planned her wedding. She doesn't disagree with any of it, but we pre-gamed for sure to make sure we were on the same page and there wouldn't be any planning problems.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

@kmmssg I still keep several sets of matching stationery at my desk! We have quite a few close friends and family members who have been deployed to the Middle East over the last 12+ years, so I do spend a fair bit of time writing letters. It has slowed down in the last year since I spend more time getting my DIY projects done for my wedding, but I still engage in letter-writing as much as possible. I find is so much more personal, and those letters might be worth something someday when I'm rich and famous. :-D

Amyzen83 · February 2014

kmmssg said:

You know, we sit here daily and discuss etiquette but the rest of the world is out there not doing that. Most people have NO idea that there is any reason to think pre-printed RSVPs are rude - I personally see them as a necessary thing in this day of far more casual lifestyles and interactions.

"Back in my day" you could go to a place like Walmart and buy matching stationery and envelopes. For kicks I checked the other day and there is none. I had the coolest pink and blue tie die stationery back in the 70's I used to write to my older brother. When I had a boyfriend in the Navy in 78-79 I had much nicer stationery to write to him. I was a huge letter writer so I would get the stuff for Christmas all the time - it was a really inexpensive gift that I used all the time.

Who writes letters every week anymore? Who has stationery anymore? Who even KNOWS you should respond on your own stationery to a wedding invitation?

I do agree with the list - and my DD has heard it all as we have planned her wedding. She doesn't disagree with any of it, but we pre-gamed for sure to make sure we were on the same page and there wouldn't be any planning problems.

I wish I got more letters and cards, it's almost become a chore going to the mailbox when all I find are bills, rubbish ads, and credit card applications I have to take the time to shred. Meh!

I love a good thank you note, invitation of some kind, or thoughtful post card from a loved one

phira · February 2014

We have stationery on our registry (not thank you notes, obviously!) so we can write to people

APDSS22 · February 2014

fionahalliwell said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

fionahalliwell said:

Just out of plain curiosity, Catholic weddings can't be held at night? I always thought it was that specific churches didn't do weddings after a certain time. Interesting...

@fionahalliwell Our Catholic church gave us the option to have our wedding at 7pm after the conclusion of Saturday night mass. I don't know if it is something our particular parish is accommodating about, but we did have the option to have a later evening ceremony. We opted for a 1:30pm mass with a reception immediately following at a nearby funky/historic hotel.

Thank you! And your venue sounds amazing.

No problem! The venue was something special. It was a hotel, then someone along the way bought it to store auto parts of all things. The people who own it now renovated it and let a group of designers tackle the individual guest rooms so they're all individually themed and unique. The event center where we had our reception has incredible chandeliers. It was very lovely. Just wanted to put my two cents in since I know our parish lets couples do an evening ceremony.

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