Hello, I am new to NEY and relatively new to the Knot in general. I was hoping some of you would help me out with a bit of advice. Here is my story:
My SO and I met in Madrid while I was studying abroad there. He is half Spanish and half American but grew up mostly in Asia. While we weren't in the same place very long, he brought up marriage very early in our relationship. (Is this a European thing?) At first I was a bit freaked out since I was a 20 year old college student whose longest relationship was 9 months. However, after I left him and Europe behind, we stayed in contact on and off. It really hurts me sometimes to talk to him simply because I miss him so much and the time zone thing is difficult.
Long distance problems aside, he has brought up engagement again within the past few months. We have the same spring break week off, and he is asking his parents if he could come visit me during that week. His family is fairly wealthy so they could afford to fly him over to the states easily. Also, because of this, I know he could afford to buy a ring before this and pop the question. He's given me "hints" on multiple occasions.
I know this sounds like a fairy-tale story but I'm hoping someone here can see it for the culture clash that it is. If it wasn't for the potential disapproval of my immediate and extended family (I told SO he has to meet my parents before proposing) I would say yes to him, even though I'm considered young by current standards to be getting married (I'm 21). However, I want my family to be there for me during this forever life altering time in my life.
Thank you in advance!
Re: Worlds Colliding
You don't need your parents approval to get engaged. Choosing to get married is an adult decision and it's one you need to make for yourself. Your family cannot make this decision for you. However, if you family voices concerns it's important to sincerely listen to what they have to say and give it serious consideration because often those who love and know us best can see things that we can't.
Also, it sounds like this relationship is fairly new and is moving faster than you are comfortable with. You need to let him know that you want to slow things down and that while you are happy in your relationship and see marriage in the future, you don't necessarily see it in the near future.
I'm also very young (23) and I remember when my BF and I were your age and talking marriage. I wanted to get married way back then but looking back I am so glad that we've waited. We've both grown and matured a lot since then and our relationship is even stronger. It sounds like long-distance is putting a strain on your relationship and making you want to move things faster so that you don't have to do it anymore but rushing things is not a good idea. I'm also concerned that you say you've only kept in contact off and on. Marriage can't be off - it's 100% on all the time. Your relationship needs to be 100% on all the time before engagement is even a consideration.
Some Questions to Consider Before Getting Engaged are:
Where will you live?
How will you handle your finances?
Do you want kids? How many?
What are you religious beliefs? How will they factor into your future?
What are you future career goals?
Everyone above me has given you some excellent food for thought. It definitely sounds like you are significantly uncomfortable with the pace he has set, and you need to tell him this. This is more than a simple culture clash; it is essentially agreeing to marry someone that you haven't had a chance to spend a significant amount of time with all at once. You don't need your family's approval to get engaged or married, but it sounds like you yourself don't really approve either.
I would sit down when you have a second and think about all the things that you want to have happen before you get engaged to this man. Having him meet your family is a good start, but I'm sure there's more. Maybe think about, "We need to live in the same country for a year," or, "We both need to be graduated and working full-time jobs." Also think about your personal goals - educational, travel, etc. Consider what you need to get done, and what you need to see from him, before you're comfortable committing the rest of your life to him. Once you have a completed list, present it to him. It should be pretty non-negotiable; you are young, and you have all the time in the world right now to have a relationship with him and also live your life. It doesn't make you any less committed if you decide to wait; it makes you smart, and it makes you your own best advocate.
It's perfectly okay to say no to a proposal, actually. Especially if you feel uncomfortable with the idea (and yes "my parents wouldn't approve" is probably just your conscience saying "whoa nelly, we are moving too fast").
Also, I don't think this is a cultural thing. I think you're trying to call it a cultural thing so you don't hurt this guys' feelings when you're all "what the hell".
Also, if I met someone overseas that wanted to marry me somewhat instantly, I would wonder who was paying him to get into the US and why. That's my paranoid patriot talk speaking though...
The ladies on here are great and they've made some excellent points. The ball is really in your court to figure out how you feel and to convey that message to your SO so that you two can just enjoy each other and get to know each other better.
I know I was in a situation where a guy-friend of mine had come out and told me he had feelings for me which I did not return (he was from Europe and going to school in the US). I know we got into a debate and I asked 'Where would we even live' and he said that he had expected me to move in with him.