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Wedding Party
alisonoo
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FiL wants to pay off bils for only particular wedding party members
My future FiL has decided to be generous and help pay for some tuxedos and a bridesmaid dress. The trouble is, he's only offered to pay for a hand full of groomsmen he knows aren't well off and of course his daughter's bridesmaid dress. So this leaves four groomsmen and one bridesmaid with their bills paid off courtesy of the FiL and four bridesmaids and two groomsmen stuck with the bill. FiL says we can give the gifts to the wedding party through us so we would 'take credit' for the gift, but I'm wary of passing his favoritism off as my own.
When I suggest that it's rude for his father to only offer to pay for particular people he prefers, my fiance says I'm unbelievably selfish for looking such a gift horse in the mouth. I'm a bit offended that the offer plays strong favoritism to the groom's friends and family, leaving mine in the cold. Now I feel pressure to match his gift and provide for the rest of our wedding party (my side can't really afford this). I know I should be grateful that my FiL is being so generous, but how do I forward his generosity to the recipients without playing favorites? I don't want to give 'secret' gifts to just a few people, but I certainly can't match his generosity to my groomsman brother and all my sisters/bridesmaids. I could suggest that FiL just give his gifts openly to the people he wishes, but then it leaves me and my parents in the awkward position of not being able to do the same.
I'm not really sure how to handle this short of giving secret gifts to only a few people or trying to match my FiLs very particular investment.
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Re: FiL wants to pay off bils for only particular wedding party members
If he's only willing to pay for certain people, tell him that's fine, but he has to deal with it himself. I agree that it would look very bad if he gave them the gift "through you" because it would look like you were favoring certain WP members over others. But you can't control what he does with his own money. If he wants to reimburse a few people for their items, that's his perogative.
I just wouldn't want to take credit for this gift because of how it would look. I mean my mother paid for my sister's BM dress but no one else's. And that's not anyone else's business but theirs. I'm intentionally not getting involved.
My parents ended up stepping in to pay for a GM's tux for our wedding. They called the tux rental place themselves to have the tux charged to their card.
Your FFIL should be handling this himself. Tell him you are appreciative of the offer and you are sure your GMs and BM will be appreciatevie too. But that you would like him to give the gift, not you or FI. When you go to order your tuxes, have FFIL come with you and he can make the payments on the specified GM. Then when they come in to get measured, their bill will already be paid.
As for FSIL, I'm sure her dad can just give her his cc for the day to make the BM dress purchase. Or again, he can call up and give his cc info over the phone.
I understand completely where you are coming from. If your FFIL buys for some and not others that's his business, but if your like me, you'd be afraid of hurting the people who weren't funded. I would sit down with him and tell him how it make you uncomfortable. Maybe you can compromise on something he get for everyone (instead of specific people).
If he doesn't want to change his mind, don't force it. Just let him do what he's going to do. I would just keep out of it. Don't attach yourself to it in anyway. This way if something does get said, it isn't your problem.
Under the circumstances, I agree with the PPs who say that this needs to be a gesture strictly from the FFIL directly to those whose expenses he wants to cover and the OP and her FI need to distance themselves from it so as not to embitter those whose expenses he doesn't want to cover.