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FiL wants to pay off bils for only particular wedding party members

alisonooalisonoo member
Name Dropper First Comment
edited February 2014 in Wedding Party
My future FiL has decided to be generous and help pay for some tuxedos and a bridesmaid dress. The trouble is, he's only offered to pay for a hand full of groomsmen he knows aren't well off and of course his daughter's bridesmaid dress. So this leaves four groomsmen and one bridesmaid with their bills paid off courtesy of the FiL and four bridesmaids and two groomsmen stuck with the bill. FiL says we can give the gifts to the wedding party through us so we would 'take credit' for the gift, but I'm wary of passing his favoritism off as my own.

When I suggest that it's rude for his father to only offer to pay for particular people he prefers, my fiance says I'm unbelievably selfish for looking such a gift horse in the mouth. I'm a bit offended that the offer plays strong favoritism to the groom's friends and family, leaving mine in the cold. Now I feel pressure to match his gift and provide for the rest of our wedding party (my side can't really afford this). I know I should be grateful that my FiL is being so generous, but how do I forward his generosity to the recipients without playing favorites? I don't want to give 'secret' gifts to just a few people, but I certainly can't match his generosity to my groomsman brother and all my sisters/bridesmaids. I could suggest that FiL just give his gifts openly to the people he wishes, but then it leaves me and my parents in the awkward position of not being able to do the same.

I'm not really sure how to handle this short of giving secret gifts to only a few people or trying to match my FiLs very particular investment.

Re: FiL wants to pay off bils for only particular wedding party members

  • If he's only willing to pay for certain people, tell him that's fine, but he has to deal with it himself.  I agree that it would look very bad if he gave them the gift "through you" because it would look like you were favoring certain WP members over others.  But you can't control what he does with his own money.  If he wants to reimburse a few people for their items, that's his perogative.

     

    I just wouldn't want to take credit for this gift because of how it would look.  I mean my mother paid for my sister's BM dress but no one else's.  And that's not anyone else's business but theirs.  I'm intentionally not getting involved.

    alisonooMairePoppy
  • Because you are under no obligation to pay for your wedding party's attire (provided it is within an agreed budget), who your FFIL decides to give gifts to really has nothing to do with you. Let him contact them and do as he wishes. Tell him that you're sure they will appreciate his generosity and direct him to contact them specifically, and that you'd prefer to stay out of it. It definitely should not look like a gift coming from you because then you look like you are playing favorites. But, coming from him doesn't cast any ill light on you because you do not control how he spends his money. 

    My parents are paying for my brother's tuxedo, they know him and they want to help him. I wouldn't expect them to pick up anything for anyone else because they don't know them and it's not their responsibility. 
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
    lc07grumbledore
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    My parents ended up stepping in to pay for a GM's tux for our wedding.  They called the tux rental place themselves to have the tux charged to their card.

    Your FFIL should be handling this himself.  Tell him you are appreciative of the offer and you are sure your GMs and BM will be appreciatevie too.  But that you would like him to give the gift, not you or FI.  When you go to order your tuxes, have FFIL come with you and he can make the payments on the specified GM.  Then when they come in to get measured, their bill will already be paid.

    As for FSIL, I'm sure her dad can just give her his cc for the day to make the BM dress purchase.  Or again, he can call up and give his cc info over the phone.

    alisonoo
  • I understand completely where you are coming from.  If your FFIL buys for some and not others that's his business, but if your like me, you'd be afraid of hurting the people who weren't funded.  I would sit down with him and tell him how it make you uncomfortable. Maybe you can compromise on something he get for everyone (instead of specific people). 

    If he doesn't want to change his mind, don't force it.  Just let him do what he's going to do.  I would just keep out of it.  Don't attach yourself to it in anyway.  This way if something does get said, it isn't your problem. 

  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    It sounds like FFIL is paying for the attire of people that he knows. Since his son is the groom it would make sense that he would know the majority of his GM. I don't think there's anything wrong with him offering to pay for their attire, but I would not say it came from you. If he pays for it then it needs to be from him. I don't see how anyone can be mad that he is paying for the attire of people he is close to. I definitely don't think there is a problem with him paying for his daughter's BM dress regardless of anything else he pays for. 
    image
    jenniferurs
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Well, if he wants to pay for the attire of some, but not every, person in the wedding party, while you can't really stop him, you can make clear that your name is not to come up and that he has total responsibility for his decision and any consequences thereof, including adverse ones.
    alisonoo
  • alisonooalisonoo member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    edited February 2014
    Oh my goodness, thanks ladies. The gift was formatted from my FFiL as a gift for me and my fiance to distribute, but I can see that I should thank him for his generosity but direct him to contact the recipients directly. He is welcome to spend money where he likes, but I don't want to be attached to such biased resource distribution. The gift is not to us, but to the people FFiL has singled out and that should be clear.

    I know my folks will feel a little uncomfortable with the fact that they can not also offer such a gift, but if I don't make a big deal about it maybe it will fly under the radar.
    lc07
  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    alisonoo said:
    Oh my goodness, thanks ladies. The gift was formatted from my FFiL as a gift for me and my fiance to distribute, but I can see that I should thank him for his generosity but direct him to contact the recipients directly. He is welcome to spend money where he likes, but I don't want to be attached to such biased resource distribution. The gift is not to us, but to the people FFiL has singled out and that should be clear.

    I know my folks will feel a little uncomfortable with the fact that they can not also offer such a gift, but if I don't make a big deal about it maybe it will fly under the radar.
    If I were you, I wouldn't even mention it to anybody. I wouldn't think that the wedding party will run around telling everyone that FFIL paid for their attire so your parents may not ever even find out.
    image
  • alisonooalisonoo member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    edited February 2014
    Exactly. I'll ask my fiance to tell FFiL he can do as he wishes and pass on relevant contact information. I don't need to bring it up to anyone else. The only way it would get around is if a bridesmaid or groomsman assumes everyone else got the gift and gossips about it. I can't control that and I'm not telling anyone to keep secrets. Just letting FFiL handle it on his own and keeping my mouth shut seems the safest course.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited February 2014
    Your fi should tell his dad to contact the people he would like to help and leave the two of you out of it. This is between FFIL and the people he wants to help.
                       
    lc07
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    There's no reason for any of the non-recipients to know that FIL paid for attire for some of the WP.  

    My mom bought my sister's dress in my wedding.  It was a gift from my mom to my sister.  I think my MIL bought my SIL's dress, but I don't know.  I didn't need to know, and none of the rest of my WP knew.  

    As long as you keep it from FIL to WP member (even if you have to be a logistical go-between), you aren't playing favorites.  Make sure the recipients know where the gift is coming from and to keep it to themselves.  
    MairePoppyAddieCake
  • To be honest, you seem more bitter than appreciative, which is weird since it's a really nice gesture.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    To be honest, you seem more bitter than appreciative, which is weird since it's a really nice gesture.
    It's not a "really nice gesture" if it makes people feel left out because of favoritism (those whose expenses aren't covered) and the couple has to deal with their bitterness.

    Under the circumstances, I agree with the PPs who say that this needs to be a gesture strictly from the FFIL directly to those whose expenses he wants to cover and the OP and her FI need to distance themselves from it so as not to embitter those whose expenses he doesn't want to cover. 
  • It is nobody's business who pays for what in your wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MairePoppy
  • AddieL73 said:

    Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't see the problem. Nobody has to know this is happening other than the giver and the recipients. Why would it be anyone else's business, and what's wrong with him doing it? I think it's a nice gesture.

    Exactly
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't see the problem. Nobody has to know this is happening other than the giver and the recipients. Why would it be anyone else's business, and what's wrong with him doing it? I think it's a nice gesture.
    Exactly
    In theory, that's true, but in the real world, it can and often does get out who pays for what, and if these other two groomsman have to pay for their own expenses, which could be quite costly for them, anything that smacks of the couple appearing to pay for the expenses the FIL is covering has strong potential to lead to really bad consequences.  If I were the OP, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with such a gesture that has the potential to be divisive.
  • I don't see the problem at all, I'd just call and pay the portion you're allocating. Done.  When they go to pick it up, it will be less than the expected.


    image
  • There's no reason the other people need to know. I paid for 2 of my bridesmaids' dresses and the rest never knew about it (honestly, I don't think they would have cared either)
  • Because you are under no obligation to pay for your wedding party's attire (provided it is within an agreed budget), who your FFIL decides to give gifts to really has nothing to do with you. Let him contact them and do as he wishes. Tell him that you're sure they will appreciate his generosity and direct him to contact them specifically, and that you'd prefer to stay out of it. It definitely should not look like a gift coming from you because then you look like you are playing favorites. But, coming from him doesn't cast any ill light on you because you do not control how he spends his money. 

    My parents are paying for my brother's tuxedo, they know him and they want to help him. I wouldn't expect them to pick up anything for anyone else because they don't know them and it's not their responsibility. 
    This.

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