Something I saw...

aleighc3 · February 2014

I saw in another post that someone said, that if someone is helping to pay for the wedding, then they can invite whomever they wish. I agree with this to a certain extent. I think that if, say your parents, are helping pay for the venue or food/drink, then they can invite whoever they want (barring ex's or other inappropriate people). On the other hand, if your parents helped pay for your favors, invitations, or guestbook (smaller things), then they don't really get a say. I'm sorry but just because someone gives you $100 - $200 to go toward your wedding, then they don't get a say on who comes or who they want there.

I was just wondering what you ladies think about this. Do you think that if, say your parents, help pay for something smaller that doesn't cost that much, that they should be able to invite whomever they want? Or do you think that no matter how much or how little they might contribute, they get to invite an infinite amount of guests?

SJM7538 · February 2014

I think this varies so much based on family Dynamics and it's a "use your best judgement" situation.

For example - my parents paid for my dress and flowers. My mom wanted to invite her boss and his wife and her office mananger and her husband, she works In a very small dr. Office. Even though I was trying to cut down my guest list I let her invite them bc it was important to her and she put $$ and time into my wedding. Now if she handed me a list of 50 people I've never met then we probably would have had a different conversation.

phira · February 2014

Yeah, it varies a lot. My mom is contributing to our wedding (in general, not for a specific expense), but she's not going to ask us to invite anyone.

If you are in a situation where someone offers to help pay, treat it as if there might be strings attached. For us, that means that if my mom starts making demands, we'll decline her money, and while we sure could use her help, we'll be okay without her assistance. If she were contributing more, we'd sit down with her and ask to make sure that we knew if there were strings attached from the start.

Inkdancer · February 2014

Definitely varies based on family dynamics. My in-laws wanted to make a huge contribution, but in exchange their list of demands was very long. We ended up turning down their money because they wanted things that we just did not want. On the other hand, my parents have bought my dress for me as a gift and are contributing nothing else, but I have asked her for lots of input (partially because she's got great taste and I trust her).

Even if someone is paying for the entire wedding, they don't get to invite "whoever they want". Any invitations should be discussed with the bride and groom, and if the person paying is inviting a truly inappropriate number or selection of people then B&G have every right to ask them to reconsider.

aleighc3 · February 2014

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

SJM7538 · February 2014

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

Stuck in the box. I get your point, some people and some people's parents can be very childish. Weddings can bring out the worst in some people. Unfortunately unless it's specified that the money is a gift its advisable not to think that way.

Also I think that if you have someone that is generous enough to help you with your wedding and then if they have a request, as long as it is within certain limits, then the bride and groom should be gracious enough to honor that request. Or at the very least, give it consideration.

But its not always about being childish. For my mom it was more like she considered my wedding a very important event in her life. Yes, she may not be the one getting married, but she was proud of her daughter and her son in law and wanted to be able to share that with her boss and her office manager who she happens to be very close with.

Inkdancer · February 2014

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

I agree to some extent. It is very odd that some people see their giving as conditional.

On the other hand, the person paying has some right to exercise control over what they are paying for. Imagine for a moment that you've offered your child $15,000 to use toward their wedding. They then spent $10,000 on a dress, use the rest for a venue, and don't buy food for any of their guests.

Respect has to go both ways: respect for the bride and groom, allowing them to conduct the type of wedding that they would like to have, but also respect for the giver in appreciating their gift and using it with wisdom and discretion.

phira · February 2014

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

I mean, I'm with you: if you give someone money for their wedding, you should treat it like a gift. However, as many folks here would be happy to tell you, there are plenty of people who feel like you taking their money = they get a say in the wedding.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

It very much depends. But we always caution brides, 'He who pays gets a say' because money for weddings often does come with strings.

My parents were very generous with us and paid for our entire reception. They also asked for some people to be invited who weren't on my initial list. I absolutely gave them those invites because (a) I should have thought of them initially and just didn't and (b) it mattered a lot to my parents that they be there and since they were paying for the reception, it wasn't a budget issue.

I know several of the MOBs on the board (@kmmssg, @mobkaz, @CMGragain) all gave their daughters money with no strings attached.

Other posters have had trouble with their parents or in laws offering money and then demanding a lot of control or changes.

It's absolutely about perspective and context -- $100 for favours gets you a say in the favours, not in anything else.

But $10K for a reception might come with strings attached, such as the giver demanding certain people be invited.

aleighc3 · February 2014

I feel that if I did ask for any money (which I would never do), then yeah, they would have 2 a say. I also agree that if someone offers to give you money for your wedding, without you asking for it, then that is on them and shouldn't expect anything in return. If someone gave me money say, for my reception, and had requested that we didn't serve pork because they don't like it, I would oblige. Now if they were to turn around and say I want my book club to come and they all have to be served steak and lobster...sorry, but you are out of luck...

grumbledore · February 2014

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

Maybe, but you always have the right to turn down the contribution if you don't like the strings.

aleighc3 · February 2014

grumbledore said:

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

Maybe, but you always have the right to turn down the contribution if you don't like the strings.

I agree, but why are there strings in the first place? It's like giving someone a diamond necklace and saying "you can only wear it on tuesdays and sundays". When I give someone something unless it's a loan, which in that case I would have made clear the terms, I don't expect anything back, at all. My dad is paying for my dress and helping with flowers, I asked him if there would be anyone he would like to invite, and he said no. Of course if my parents requested something I would consider it, but if my dad offered to pay for my dress but then saw the one I liked and didn't want to get it, that's ridiculous to me.

misshart00 · February 2014

I think the difference is that some parents are not giving money as a gift, they're giving a wedding as a gift. There's a big difference there.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

I agree this is totally a judgment call. It's safer for B&G to assume a contribution has strings, so they aren't disappointed later; but it's also much more kind and generous for the giver not to attach strings.

My grandma is paying for my dress, so I've kept her in the loop about shopping, but she's pretty much hands-off about the whole thing and just wants me to get something I like. Fi's parents paid for the engagement party and just offered to host the RD. We will be paying for everything else ourselves. So Fi's parents might get some say to add a couple of guests (the RD is a big deal), but it is pretty important to us to keep as much control as possible over the ceremony, reception, and guest list. So if somebody else offers money with strings, we will probably decline.

I have very little patience with couples who accept a large contribution from parents, and then complain when the parents want to invite people or control certain things. Yeah it's not very nice of the parents to do that, but they are spending a lot of money and it's rational to think they'd want input.

Inkdancer · February 2014

aleighc3 said:

grumbledore said:

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

Maybe, but you always have the right to turn down the contribution if you don't like the strings.

I agree, but why are there strings in the first place? It's like giving someone a diamond necklace and saying "you can only wear it on tuesdays and sundays". When I give someone something unless it's a loan, which in that case I would have made clear the terms, I don't expect anything back, at all. My dad is paying for my dress and helping with flowers, I asked him if there would be anyone he would like to invite, and he said no. Of course if my parents requested something I would consider it, but if my dad offered to pay for my dress but then saw the one I liked and didn't want to get it, that's ridiculous to me.

In your case, the strings are "this money is for a dress." Other families may be gifting other things, like the entire reception. In your case, your dad has the right to refuse to pay for something over his budget, or to ask you to pay for your own shoes or veil because he is only buying the dress. There are still strings, there are just fewer because this is a different kind of contribution.

aleighc3 · February 2014

misshart00 said:

I think the difference is that some parents are not giving money as a gift, they're giving a wedding as a gift. There's a big difference there.

If they are giving a wedding as a gift, then that means they would be paying for the whole thing. I'm talking about parents or grandparents who GIVE you money for a part, not all of your wedding and they want these to be your wedding colors, and I don't like this cake, so get this one....things like that, to me, are up to the b&g. Now if they want to invite A COUPLE of people, then that's fine.

kgd7357 · February 2014

My parents gave us a set amount for the wedding (about half of our original budget). The problem is they keep adding more and more guests and demands without adding more money, so it jacks up what we need to spend. Their gift was very generous, but our invite list is 200 people of which 110 are just people my parents wanted. His family only has 20 and we have about 30 friends (up to 60 total with SOs) invited. At this point their gift doesn't even cover the food and drink for their guests. When my mom started telling me to get the more expensive flower package, I told her enough, and explained where her contribution had already gone to (her guests), and that she didn't have say in expensive flowers. Now she is trying to be "super helpful" with DIY ideas, which is better than asking me to open my wallet. I think if you contribute, you get to have say in what you contribute to. I was very clear that I was paying for my dress because I didn't want any of those nasty comments from the peanut gallery. However, I did have to let her throw in her bestie from highschool and a random lady she works with.

SJM7538 · February 2014

aleighc3 said:

grumbledore said:

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

Maybe, but you always have the right to turn down the contribution if you don't like the strings.

I agree, but why are there strings in the first place? It's like giving someone a diamond necklace and saying "you can only wear it on tuesdays and sundays". When I give someone something unless it's a loan, which in that case I would have made clear the terms, I don't expect anything back, at all. My dad is paying for my dress and helping with flowers, I asked him if there would be anyone he would like to invite, and he said no. Of course if my parents requested something I would consider it, but if my dad offered to pay for my dress but then saw the one I liked and didn't want to get it, that's ridiculous to me.

There is a difference between a gift and a contribution. I think that's the key. A diamond necklace is a gift. A card with cash it in at your reception is a gift. A large sum of money to pay for a wedding is not necessarily a gift. It COULD be a gift but that isn't always the case.

The key is keeping the lines of communication open about what is being contributed, what expectations both parties have and what is reasonable and what is not.

My sister just turned down having half of her wedding paid for bc her fiancés parents wanted to have a 200 plus person wedding with people my sister has never met. That money was not a gift. And had my sister accepted the money she would have had no leverage to argue about the guest list.

grumbledore · February 2014

aleighc3 said:

grumbledore said:

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

Maybe, but you always have the right to turn down the contribution if you don't like the strings.

I agree, but why are there strings in the first place? It's like giving someone a diamond necklace and saying "you can only wear it on tuesdays and sundays". When I give someone something unless it's a loan, which in that case I would have made clear the terms, I don't expect anything back, at all. My dad is paying for my dress and helping with flowers, I asked him if there would be anyone he would like to invite, and he said no. Of course if my parents requested something I would consider it, but if my dad offered to pay for my dress but then saw the one I liked and didn't want to get it, that's ridiculous to me.

Because the gift giver isn't a participant in a diamond necklace. If your parents give you wedding money, it's at least in part because your wedding is important to them and they care what happens at it, who is in attendance, etc.

grumbledore · February 2014

All of this said, just because someone buys your dress doesn't mean they get to choose the food at your reception. I think it's nice to include family members if they want to be and they are being reasonable, but the only way someone has a say about the food I'm serving is if they are contributing for the food. If they are giving money for something else and want a say in something completely different, it's either a no or I will decline the money.

aleighc3 · February 2014

Inkdancer said:

aleighc3 said:

grumbledore said:

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

Maybe, but you always have the right to turn down the contribution if you don't like the strings.

I agree, but why are there strings in the first place? It's like giving someone a diamond necklace and saying "you can only wear it on tuesdays and sundays". When I give someone something unless it's a loan, which in that case I would have made clear the terms, I don't expect anything back, at all. My dad is paying for my dress and helping with flowers, I asked him if there would be anyone he would like to invite, and he said no. Of course if my parents requested something I would consider it, but if my dad offered to pay for my dress but then saw the one I liked and didn't want to get it, that's ridiculous to me.

In your case, the strings are "this money is for a dress." Other families may be gifting other things, like the entire reception. In your case, your dad has the right to refuse to pay for something over his budget, or to ask you to pay for your own shoes or veil because he is only buying the dress. There are still strings, there are just fewer because this is a different kind of contribution.

Yes agree that if my dad is giving me money for a dress, then I will use it just for the dress, not shoes, or anything else. If he gave me a budget, I would not even look at things that were more expensive than what he told me. I feel that there are just some things that are up to the b&g because it is their wedding. If you want to invite some people fine, but don't expect me to change what I want because you don't like it, just because you are helping out. This is all in general, not specifically about me. I was not expecting anything from my parents or anyone.

I went to my dad's to see if I left anyone out of the guest list and to see if there was anyone he would like to be there, he said no, then offered to pay for my dress. He just said "is there anything you need me to cover" I said not really, we have it all under control, then he offered the dress. He was asking me about flowers, and I told him I was planning on using very little real flowers and that most of them would be fake. He said "no, you need to have real flowers at your wedding, I'll help out with that too". He would never in a million years TELL me that I HAVE to get this certain flower or centerpiece, and I would never be so disrespectful to go overboard with the flowers and dress just because he is paying and i'm not. Sorry, didn't mean for that to be so long...

SJM7538 · February 2014

grumbledore said:
All of this said, just because someone buys your dress doesn't mean they get to choose the food at your reception. I think it's nice to include family members if they want to be and they are being reasonable, but the only way someone has a say about the food I'm serving is if they are contributing for the food. If they are giving money for something else and want a say in something completely different, it's either a no or I will decline the money.

I agree with this 100 percent. However it doesn't always work out like this. My parents paid for specific things for my wedding, such as flowers and my dress. But Hs parents gave is X amout of money to use how we wishes as long as it was wedding related. So they had requests relating to multiple aspects of the wedding.

aleighc3 · February 2014

grumbledore said:

aleighc3 said:

grumbledore said:

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

Maybe, but you always have the right to turn down the contribution if you don't like the strings.

I agree, but why are there strings in the first place? It's like giving someone a diamond necklace and saying "you can only wear it on tuesdays and sundays". When I give someone something unless it's a loan, which in that case I would have made clear the terms, I don't expect anything back, at all. My dad is paying for my dress and helping with flowers, I asked him if there would be anyone he would like to invite, and he said no. Of course if my parents requested something I would consider it, but if my dad offered to pay for my dress but then saw the one I liked and didn't want to get it, that's ridiculous to me.

Because the gift giver isn't a participant in a diamond necklace. If your parents give you wedding money, it's at least in part because your wedding is important to them and they care what happens at it, who is in attendance, etc.

Sure it would be important to them, what you said makes it sound like they don't trust you to plan a wedding without offending someone. The way I see it, a gift is a gift and there should never be any strings. For people who don't even ask their parents if they would like to invite someone, even if they are not "contributing", I consider rude and inconsiderate to them, just as I consider parents who want to have things their way on their child wedding day, rude and inconsiderate.

SJM7538 · February 2014

aleighc3 said:

grumbledore said:

aleighc3 said:

grumbledore said:

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

Maybe, but you always have the right to turn down the contribution if you don't like the strings.

I agree, but why are there strings in the first place? It's like giving someone a diamond necklace and saying "you can only wear it on tuesdays and sundays". When I give someone something unless it's a loan, which in that case I would have made clear the terms, I don't expect anything back, at all. My dad is paying for my dress and helping with flowers, I asked him if there would be anyone he would like to invite, and he said no. Of course if my parents requested something I would consider it, but if my dad offered to pay for my dress but then saw the one I liked and didn't want to get it, that's ridiculous to me.

Because the gift giver isn't a participant in a diamond necklace. If your parents give you wedding money, it's at least in part because your wedding is important to them and they care what happens at it, who is in attendance, etc.

Sure it would be important to them, what you said makes it sound like they don't trust you to plan a wedding without offending someone. The way I see it, a gift is a gift and there should never be any strings. For people who don't even ask their parents if they would like to invite someone, even if they are not "contributing", I consider rude and inconsiderate to them, just as I consider parents who want to have things their way on their child wedding day, rude and inconsiderate.

You are correct! Lots of people are rude and unfortunately we live in a world where not everyone comes to the knot before planning their wedding!

aleighc3 · February 2014

missax said:

aleighc3 said:

misshart00 said:

I think the difference is that some parents are not giving money as a gift, they're giving a wedding as a gift. There's a big difference there.

If they are giving a wedding as a gift, then that means they would be paying for the whole thing. I'm talking about parents or grandparents who GIVE you money for a part, not all of your wedding and they want these to be your wedding colors, and I don't like this cake, so get this one....things like that, to me, are up to the b&g. Now if they want to invite A COUPLE of people, then that's fine.

That's when you decline the money and pick what you want. It's as simple as that.

No, that's when I explain that I don't like those colors, or not enough room for those people. If they decide to not "give" the money any longer then so be it...

grumbledore · February 2014

SJM7538 said:

All of this said, just because someone buys your dress doesn't mean they get to choose the food at your reception. I think it's nice to include family members if they want to be and they are being reasonable, but the only way someone has a say about the food I'm serving is if they are contributing for the food. If they are giving money for something else and want a say in something completely different, it's either a no or I will decline the money.
I agree with this 100 percent. However it doesn't always work out like this. My parents paid for specific things for my wedding, such as flowers and my dress. But Hs parents gave is X amout of money to use how we wishes as long as it was wedding related. So they had requests relating to multiple aspects of the wedding.

Right, but their money was for the wedding in general, so this makes sense and is pretty reasonable as long as their requests didn't price you out of their contribution.

SJM7538 · February 2014

aleighc3 said:

missax said:

aleighc3 said:

misshart00 said:

I think the difference is that some parents are not giving money as a gift, they're giving a wedding as a gift. There's a big difference there.

If they are giving a wedding as a gift, then that means they would be paying for the whole thing. I'm talking about parents or grandparents who GIVE you money for a part, not all of your wedding and they want these to be your wedding colors, and I don't like this cake, so get this one....things like that, to me, are up to the b&g. Now if they want to invite A COUPLE of people, then that's fine.

That's when you decline the money and pick what you want. It's as simple as that.

No, that's when I explain that I don't like those colors, or not enough room for those people. If they decide to not "give" the money any longer then so be it...

And THIS is what causes arguments and family feuds. Then brides come here to vent about how mommy and daddy are no longer contributing.

aleighc3 · February 2014

SJM7538 said:

missax said:

aleighc3 said:

misshart00 said:

I think the difference is that some parents are not giving money as a gift, they're giving a wedding as a gift. There's a big difference there.

If they are giving a wedding as a gift, then that means they would be paying for the whole thing. I'm talking about parents or grandparents who GIVE you money for a part, not all of your wedding and they want these to be your wedding colors, and I don't like this cake, so get this one....things like that, to me, are up to the b&g. Now if they want to invite A COUPLE of people, then that's fine.

That's when you decline the money and pick what you want. It's as simple as that.

No, that's when I explain that I don't like those colors, or not enough room for those people. If they decide to not "give" the money any longer then so be it...
And THIS is what causes arguments and family feuds. Then brides come here to vent about how mommy and daddy are no longer contributing.

and I would not be one of them. If "we" didn't agree on something about the wedding that they were "contributing" towards, and they decided to no longer contribute then I would put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

phira · February 2014

Honestly, I keep writing a post for this thread and then abandoning it.

What is the point here? I think we're all pretty much agreed that in a perfect world, if people contribute to a wedding, they'll be totes cool with the couple using the money how they see fit, and the contributors won't make any demands or feel entitled to have things done a certain way, have certain people invited/not invited, etc.

SJM7538 · February 2014

grumbledore said:

SJM7538 said:

grumbledore said:
All of this said, just because someone buys your dress doesn't mean they get to choose the food at your reception. I think it's nice to include family members if they want to be and they are being reasonable, but the only way someone has a say about the food I'm serving is if they are contributing for the food. If they are giving money for something else and want a say in something completely different, it's either a no or I will decline the money.

I agree with this 100 percent. However it doesn't always work out like this. My parents paid for specific things for my wedding, such as flowers and my dress. But Hs parents gave is X amout of money to use how we wishes as long as it was wedding related. So they had requests relating to multiple aspects of the wedding.

Right, but their money was for the wedding in general, so this makes sense and is pretty reasonable as long as their requests didn't price you out of their contribution.

Agreed.

aleighc3 · February 2014

missax said:

aleighc3 said:

missax said:

aleighc3 said:

misshart00 said:

I think the difference is that some parents are not giving money as a gift, they're giving a wedding as a gift. There's a big difference there.

If they are giving a wedding as a gift, then that means they would be paying for the whole thing. I'm talking about parents or grandparents who GIVE you money for a part, not all of your wedding and they want these to be your wedding colors, and I don't like this cake, so get this one....things like that, to me, are up to the b&g. Now if they want to invite A COUPLE of people, then that's fine.

That's when you decline the money and pick what you want. It's as simple as that.

No, that's when I explain that I don't like those colors, or not enough room for those people. If they decide to not "give" the money any longer then so be it...

That's an awfully rude way to do it and a very quick way to burn bridges. If you don't like the strings then you should graciously decline.

If someone in my family decided they didn't want to talk to me or be mad at me because I won't get the flowers they want me to get then, go ahead and kick rocks. I'm not saying that as a mean way but if that is all it takes to bun that bridge, then the bridge wasn't a very stable bridge to begin with!

Something I saw...

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