Something I saw...

tammym1001 · February 2014

aleighc3 said:

Inkdancer said:

aleighc3 said:

grumbledore said:

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

Maybe, but you always have the right to turn down the contribution if you don't like the strings.

I agree, but why are there strings in the first place? It's like giving someone a diamond necklace and saying "you can only wear it on tuesdays and sundays". When I give someone something unless it's a loan, which in that case I would have made clear the terms, I don't expect anything back, at all. My dad is paying for my dress and helping with flowers, I asked him if there would be anyone he would like to invite, and he said no. Of course if my parents requested something I would consider it, but if my dad offered to pay for my dress but then saw the one I liked and didn't want to get it, that's ridiculous to me.

In your case, the strings are "this money is for a dress." Other families may be gifting other things, like the entire reception. In your case, your dad has the right to refuse to pay for something over his budget, or to ask you to pay for your own shoes or veil because he is only buying the dress. There are still strings, there are just fewer because this is a different kind of contribution.

Yes agree that if my dad is giving me money for a dress, then I will use it just for the dress, not shoes, or anything else. If he gave me a budget, I would not even look at things that were more expensive than what he told me. I feel that there are just some things that are up to the b&g because it is their wedding. If you want to invite some people fine, but don't expect me to change what I want because you don't like it, just because you are helping out. This is all in general, not specifically about me. I was not expecting anything from my parents or anyone.

I went to my dad's to see if I left anyone out of the guest list and to see if there was anyone he would like to be there, he said no, then offered to pay for my dress. He just said "is there anything you need me to cover" I said not really, we have it all under control, then he offered the dress. He was asking me about flowers, and I told him I was planning on using very little real flowers and that most of them would be fake. He said "no, you need to have real flowers at your wedding, I'll help out with that too". He would never in a million years TELL me that I HAVE to get this certain flower or centerpiece, and I would never be so disrespectful to go overboard with the flowers and dress just because he is paying and i'm not. Sorry, didn't mean for that to be so long...

I would personally consider this your Dad giving you money with strings attached. You were planning on using fake flowers. Your Dad is giving you money with a string attached, i.e. you must use real flowers. He's giving you money for something and he has an opinion on what he wants you to do with it.

I think the only way to truly avoid having people's input in your wedding is to pay for, plan, and host the entire event yourself. Anything less than that and you open yourself up to people wanting things a certain way at your wedding.

nsweare · February 2014

Really it's all semantics. Whether someone who contributes should get a say, or shouldn't, does not really matter. The giver can always refuse to give the money and the taker can always decline to take. Whether someone has the right to demand a certain flower when they are paying for a dress is really no different than someone paying for the reception asking for invites. Of course one request is more reasonable than the other, but the outcome is the same. Giver offers money and wants a say. Giver doesn't get a say, so withdraws money. In the end, the couple getting married must make a choice.

aleighc3 · February 2014

tammym1001 said:

aleighc3 said:

Inkdancer said:

aleighc3 said:

grumbledore said:

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

Maybe, but you always have the right to turn down the contribution if you don't like the strings.

I agree, but why are there strings in the first place? It's like giving someone a diamond necklace and saying "you can only wear it on tuesdays and sundays". When I give someone something unless it's a loan, which in that case I would have made clear the terms, I don't expect anything back, at all. My dad is paying for my dress and helping with flowers, I asked him if there would be anyone he would like to invite, and he said no. Of course if my parents requested something I would consider it, but if my dad offered to pay for my dress but then saw the one I liked and didn't want to get it, that's ridiculous to me.

In your case, the strings are "this money is for a dress." Other families may be gifting other things, like the entire reception. In your case, your dad has the right to refuse to pay for something over his budget, or to ask you to pay for your own shoes or veil because he is only buying the dress. There are still strings, there are just fewer because this is a different kind of contribution.

Yes agree that if my dad is giving me money for a dress, then I will use it just for the dress, not shoes, or anything else. If he gave me a budget, I would not even look at things that were more expensive than what he told me. I feel that there are just some things that are up to the b&g because it is their wedding. If you want to invite some people fine, but don't expect me to change what I want because you don't like it, just because you are helping out. This is all in general, not specifically about me. I was not expecting anything from my parents or anyone.

I went to my dad's to see if I left anyone out of the guest list and to see if there was anyone he would like to be there, he said no, then offered to pay for my dress. He just said "is there anything you need me to cover" I said not really, we have it all under control, then he offered the dress. He was asking me about flowers, and I told him I was planning on using very little real flowers and that most of them would be fake. He said "no, you need to have real flowers at your wedding, I'll help out with that too". He would never in a million years TELL me that I HAVE to get this certain flower or centerpiece, and I would never be so disrespectful to go overboard with the flowers and dress just because he is paying and i'm not. Sorry, didn't mean for that to be so long...

I would personally consider this your Dad giving you money with strings attached. You were planning on using fake flowers. Your Dad is giving you money with a string attached, i.e. you must use real flowers. He's giving you money for something and he has an opinion on what he wants you to do with it.

I think the only way to truly avoid having people's input in your wedding is to pay for, plan, and host the entire event yourself. Anything less than that and you open yourself up to people wanting things a certain way at your wedding.

I know you didn't say this but I'm just saying, I would NEVER take money that he gave me for real flowers and use the money for something else. He is giving me money for flowers and that is what I would get and I would take his opinion on the flowers into consideration. What i'm talking about are the stings that dictate the overall "feel" that you want on your wedding day and the details about things. Go ahead and give your ( not you, just in general) opinion but don't demand that something be like this or that.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

phira said:
Honestly, I keep writing a post for this thread and then abandoning it.

What is the point here? I think we're all pretty much agreed that in a perfect world, if people contribute to a wedding, they'll be totes cool with the couple using the money how they see fit, and the contributors won't make any demands or feel entitled to have things done a certain way, have certain people invited/not invited, etc.

I have no idea. I feel like OP is spoiling for a fight and I don't get why.

aleighc3 · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Honestly, I keep writing a post for this thread and then abandoning it.

What is the point here? I think we're all pretty much agreed that in a perfect world, if people contribute to a wedding, they'll be totes cool with the couple using the money how they see fit, and the contributors won't make any demands or feel entitled to have things done a certain way, have certain people invited/not invited, etc.
I have no idea. I feel like OP is spoiling for a fight and I don't get why.

I'm not trying to start a fight. I'm just trying to have a conversation and see what other people's opinions are. I don't get how I am trying to start a fight, that is not the case at all.

Sugargirl1019 · February 2014

My mom and I had agreed that anyone who generously donated to fund an area that is based on # of guests (i.e. food, alcohol, and venue staff labor) got to have a say on their guests. If you are paying for the brides videography, that's really really nice but that doesn't mean you can say you want 50 people instead of 25 on your list because you are not paying for the guests.

ETA: So, I agree with you OP on your original thoughts.

AroundTheBlock · February 2014

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

You do need to be sure that you clearly understand what is being offered. If a lady -- traditionally the bride's mother, but modern family dynamics are much more complex than that -- offers to give your reception, or to host your reception; she is obviously shouldering the responsibility to pay for it, but she is also taking responsibility for the planning and execution of the party, and she has all the decision-making rights that go with that responsibility.

If various parents offer to give money to help fund your party, that is a different offer that does not come with strings -- but you'd be wise to make sure the money is in your chequing account before you start blowing off their requests.

And if a parent offers to "help pay for the wedding", their offer falls into an ambiguous territory somewhere between actually hosting the reception and actually making a gift of money. That is the kind of offer that you should clarify -- with tact and sensitivity -- before you decide whether or not to accept it.

aleighc3 · February 2014

AroundTheBlock said:

aleighc3 said:

To me, when some gives you money for a wedding, I look at it as a gift. When you give someone a gift, do you have stings attached to it? It just seems incredibly presumptuous to assume that just because I gave money to the couple for their wedding that i would get any sort of say so in the wedding, be it parents or not. And for the people who think this way, I would not want them in my life in the first place, because it seems really, sort of selfish. "I'm going to give you X amount for your wedding, but only if I can invite all of my friends and get what I want". My parents would never act this, and I feel bad for anyone who's parents would act like little kids who don't like the trade they made on the playground. Not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand how people can think that way...

You do need to be sure that you clearly understand what is being offered. If a lady -- traditionally the bride's mother, but modern family dynamics are much more complex than that -- offers to give your reception, or to host your reception; she is obviously shouldering the responsibility to pay for it, but she is also taking responsibility for the planning and execution of the party, and she has all the decision-making rights that go with that responsibility.
If various parents offer to give money to help fund your party, that is a different offer that does not come with strings -- but you'd be wise to make sure the money is in your chequing account before you start blowing off their requests.
And if a parent offers to "help pay for the wedding", their offer falls into an ambiguous territory somewhere between actually hosting the reception and actually making a gift of money. That is the kind of offer that you should clarify -- with tact and sensitivity -- before you decide whether or not to accept it.

I totally agree with this. I am talking about them offering to pay for the flowers, dress, invitations,favors, guest book and things like that. It's one thing to have someone to pay for your whole reception, and a completely different thing to help pay with one or two of the details in your wedding. If the parents really cared if their child had a great wedding day and were happy, then I think the parents would have enough courtesy and respect to ask the b&g what they would like. After listening the the b&g, simply state what they think, and if the b&g agree then great, but if they don't then obviously it's not what they want on THEIR wedding day so why push the issue even further?

climbingsingle · February 2014

Yeah, this post is weird.

Money usually comes with strings. If you don't want people having opinions, ideas, WTFever about your wedding, do not accept their money. It's really that simple.

aleighc3 · February 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Yeah, this post is weird.

Money usually comes with strings. If you don't want people having opinions, ideas, WTFever about your wedding, do not accept their money. It's really that simple.

What's weird about it? I said, in my opinion, when someone offers someone else money for a wedding, I don't understand why some people have to put strings attached to it. What ever happened to doing something nice for someone and not expecting anything in return.

thisismynickname2 · February 2014

Well, at least the post will serve to lurkers and the newly engaged as a place to set expectations on budgets and the accompanying expectations.

This is when I start thanking my lucky stars that I'm getting great in-laws. When FI and I started talking budget, he went privately to his parents to see what they wanted to do (he knew they'd give/contribute something). They gave x amount with the expectation that they'd need 50 guests. Okeydoke then, no problem. Between my bank account and my parents' bank account we're coming up with approximately an equivalent amount and we'll have 30 guests. When you start drawing lines, our parents combined are paying for the all-inclusive venue, and I'm paying for DJ, Photog and Officiant. Everything else is just getting covered somehow, here and there, by FI or me. It's working out.

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