I need to go back and read all of your posts, but I just have to say that I disagree with many of you who are telling the OP she has plenty of time to plan her wedding since it is a little over a year away.
Where I live, venues and vendors book 1year-1.5years in advance. I got engaged at the end of June 2012, and in January 2013 we started looking at reception venues for an October 2014 wedding. All of the venues we visited already had weddings booked for that month, and one had only a single Saturday date left. The summer of 2013 I started looking for photographers and MUA's and some were already booked for our date in 2014. So I don't think it is unreasonable for the OP to want to start lining these things up.
Also, OP needs to have a rough guest list when looking into venues, so that she and her FI can get quotes so they can determine if places are within their budget.
If OP is excited, I think it is fine to start looking at dresses and trying some on, but I wouldn't order anything until later this fall.
I agree that looking at the big stuff -- venue, photographer, etc. -- is fine right now. Some of those things book up early, depending on where you live. I also agree that a tentative headcount isn't a bad idea, because it will affect your venue choices.
However, I disagree with sweating the small stuff, such as parents' gifts, more than a year out. It's just unnecessary stress right now.
Also, I still stand by saying that she should postpone dress shopping until she knows what she can afford. She was clearly counting on her dad for financial help, and now, he's not able to contribute. She will either need to adjust her budget, or start saving money and delay the appointment.
I just can't believe your attitude toward your father. My parents weren't able to help with any of our wedding costs, and that was okay because it was our party, not theirs. It's a damn dress -- I got mine for $200 at a charity sale. It's not a big deal, and you certainly shouldn't be ignoring your father because he can't provide you a fancy piece of cloth sewn into a form.
Also, our engagement was shorter than the amount of time you have left until your wedding. We were engaged for eleven months, and I got our venue and photographer at ten months. We didn't send save the dates until March when we got our engagement photos back, so we didn't have a detailed guest list until that time. Even after save the dates were sent, we still added people to the guest list before sending invitations in late August for our October wedding.
You are serious business overreacting here. On many levels, in fact.
I'm upset with my dad... This is seriously his 7-8th job with in a year time frame. That's why I'm upset. Plus he's spending all his money on trips with his girlfriend...I didn't put that up there which is my fault.
My FI and his stepmother are NOT close...he isn't even close with his dad...
And I do need to calm down. If I could, I would seriously delete this post. It was stupid on my part.
Thank you to those who were kind. I'm stressed with school, work, and wedding planning.
Why exactly is that? Does he have personal issues or did he simply have bad luck and get laid off? Have you even asked if he is okay? Do you even know?
How your father chooses to spend his money is not your business. The only thing that is your fault is thinking that is your business or pertinent information to post as if it would clear your selfishness. It doesn't. His finances are not your concern especially when the only reason you are concerned about them is so he can fund your dress. If you were genuinely concerned as a daughter for his well-being that would be different. You obviously are only concerned with not having your dress funded by him.
I am sorry to be tough worded about this but even with stress you cannot be this selfish. Try caring about your father instead of what he can do for you. If you are including your FILs in your wedding than they are close enough to consider their feelings. You really need to consider the people around you a bit more than yourself. I am not saying to give up control to everyone's whims but you should give a crap about their lives. I imagine your dad and your FILs will be in your life for a long time, you may want to consider that.
I think you should rent "Sex in the City" the movie and watch it carefully. The bride is so caught up with her elaborate wedding plans, the groom gets cold feet and runs. A year later she realizes that she wasn't thinking about what HE wanted at all. This one had a happy ending. I hope that your does, too.
PS: About your Dad, you are lucky to have him there at your wedding. Mine died when I was 15, and I would have given anything for him to have JUST BEEN THERE!
See - perspective. Some ladies here would have given anything to have their dads present for their wedding days.
I also agree that booking large things now is good. Venues here also book early. I was actually surprised that I got my venue last September for this September. But giving out gifts to parents, freaking out about the dress - all of that stuff can wait.
OP I am sorry you are so stressed. But I agree you need to slow your roll until you know what your budget is going to be. Who is paying for the wedding? Do not make any plans until you know what you are working with. Have you booked a venue yet or are you just hoping for an April 2015 wedding? If you have your venue/date already--great. Have a drink and relax and start again this summer!
If you do not have a venue/date set...
It is OK to get a tentative number going--sounds like your FI said his side would be around 50 people. OK start with that. It does not need to be exact just yet. How many are on your side--say 50 as well; so you are thinking around 100 people. Now look at your budget. Can you accommodate 100 people? If no is your answer than you need to figure how many people you can accommodate on your budget or come up with a plan to appropriately accommodate your guests. Whether it is a dinner reception with full open bar or a morning brunch or simply a cake and punch afternoon wedding there are plenty of options available. As long as you host properly you are good. If you are dead set on an evening wedding with open bar, then you may need to adjust the guest list to accommodate that vision. Once you know I can host this many people at this event--set your guest list in stone.
Sounds like you have a lot going on so wedding planning is just adding to the stress. All you need to do right now is get a tentative number so you can verify your budget and book a venue so you have an actual date-- then chill out for a bit. If you are stressed, you are probably stressing FI out, so take a step back and have a few days/weeks of no wedding talk. Give him a break. When I was planning I knew H was into helping with the date and venue. He helped make a tentative guest list. He visited 3 venues with me (once I narrowed it down). He could care less about colors, cake, flowers, etc so I did not bother him with any of those details-- nor did I drive myself crazy until I needed to even think about those things! He helped with things I asked him to as we got closer and I was fine with that.
We were engaged and planned our wedding in 10 months. We got engaged in August; looked at venues in September. We booked the venue in October and I found my dress. I asked bridesmaids and sent save the dates at Thanksgiving time. I did nothing wedding related in December. We went to a bridal expo in January and from there every 2 weeks I focused on something wedding related; once I checked it off my list I gave my self a wedding break so my life did not resolve around the wedding. I was not stressed one bit the whole 10 months because I spread out the planning, and gave myself (and FI) breaks with no wedding talk.
Depending where you are from if you are dead set on an april 2015 date you may need to book the venue now if your heart is set on something, but there will be a venue somewhere and sometime. I got a popular venue in a popular month with 9 months to go. I was flexible with my date so that helped a lot. I know that does not always happen, but if you are flexible it will work out eventually.
Sorry about your dad and his job but that happens. It is hard to get a job in our current economy and especially in winter months sometimes people have to let people go, and the newest guy typically goes first. He is not obligated to buy your dress and I can guess that if he just lost his job (and others) he probably already feels bad and now already feels worse because he PROMISED to buy your dress. Well we all want a lot of things but Promises are not always reality, especially when the financial situation changes. Maybe in 6 months he will be able to help with you more but do not plan on anything until it is actually given to you. Right now you do not need to buy a dress so start saving in case you do not get help and plan to start looking at dresses this summer when you know what your dress budget is. Only buy things and plan things you know you can pay for.
do not even think about gifts until next year. you are stressing over things that are not even important right now. Also, do not share things with your SIL--she has no right to get involved in your planning unless she is paying for something, so her opinion on that does not really matter. Stop sharing wedding planning with her. As long as you get them something in the same budget range you are fine. What are they going to do with one wine glass? I hope it is at least a set or something. Be sure all gifts are personable and usable or you are just wasting your money! If they all like wine, great they would enjoy wine glasses. But if they already have a bunch of wine glasses, adding one more is a waste and it will most likely end up in goodwill.
Me and you are on the same timeline, OP. FI and I are getting married in March 2015.
With that said,
You've still got PLENTY of time to figure out everything. And as PPs have said, utilize the Knot's tools as far as your timeline is concerned. I'm actually using the 12+ month timeline, and I'm already way ahead of schedule, and I've hardly done anything. We've made up a rough-draft for our guest-list, but it is by no means finalized. And even if it were, what do you plan on doing with that guest list this early on? All you really need is a rough estimate so you can make sure the venue you choose is big enough. That's really it at this point.
Re: I have to vent...
I just can't believe your attitude toward your father. My parents weren't able to help with any of our wedding costs, and that was okay because it was our party, not theirs. It's a damn dress -- I got mine for $200 at a charity sale. It's not a big deal, and you certainly shouldn't be ignoring your father because he can't provide you a fancy piece of cloth sewn into a form.
Also, our engagement was shorter than the amount of time you have left until your wedding. We were engaged for eleven months, and I got our venue and photographer at ten months. We didn't send save the dates until March when we got our engagement photos back, so we didn't have a detailed guest list until that time. Even after save the dates were sent, we still added people to the guest list before sending invitations in late August for our October wedding.
You are serious business overreacting here. On many levels, in fact.
How your father chooses to spend his money is not your business. The only thing that is your fault is thinking that is your business or pertinent information to post as if it would clear your selfishness. It doesn't. His finances are not your concern especially when the only reason you are concerned about them is so he can fund your dress. If you were genuinely concerned as a daughter for his well-being that would be different. You obviously are only concerned with not having your dress funded by him.
I am sorry to be tough worded about this but even with stress you cannot be this selfish. Try caring about your father instead of what he can do for you. If you are including your FILs in your wedding than they are close enough to consider their feelings. You really need to consider the people around you a bit more than yourself. I am not saying to give up control to everyone's whims but you should give a crap about their lives. I imagine your dad and your FILs will be in your life for a long time, you may want to consider that.
If you do not have a venue/date set...
It is OK to get a tentative number going--sounds like your FI said his side would be around 50 people. OK start with that. It does not need to be exact just yet. How many are on your side--say 50 as well; so you are thinking around 100 people. Now look at your budget. Can you accommodate 100 people? If no is your answer than you need to figure how many people you can accommodate on your budget or come up with a plan to appropriately accommodate your guests. Whether it is a dinner reception with full open bar or a morning brunch or simply a cake and punch afternoon wedding there are plenty of options available. As long as you host properly you are good. If you are dead set on an evening wedding with open bar, then you may need to adjust the guest list to accommodate that vision. Once you know I can host this many people at this event--set your guest list in stone.
Sounds like you have a lot going on so wedding planning is just adding to the stress. All you need to do right now is get a tentative number so you can verify your budget and book a venue so you have an actual date-- then chill out for a bit. If you are stressed, you are probably stressing FI out, so take a step back and have a few days/weeks of no wedding talk. Give him a break. When I was planning I knew H was into helping with the date and venue. He helped make a tentative guest list. He visited 3 venues with me (once I narrowed it down). He could care less about colors, cake, flowers, etc so I did not bother him with any of those details-- nor did I drive myself crazy until I needed to even think about those things! He helped with things I asked him to as we got closer and I was fine with that.
We were engaged and planned our wedding in 10 months. We got engaged in August; looked at venues in September. We booked the venue in October and I found my dress. I asked bridesmaids and sent save the dates at Thanksgiving time. I did nothing wedding related in December. We went to a bridal expo in January and from there every 2 weeks I focused on something wedding related; once I checked it off my list I gave my self a wedding break so my life did not resolve around the wedding. I was not stressed one bit the whole 10 months because I spread out the planning, and gave myself (and FI) breaks with no wedding talk.
Depending where you are from if you are dead set on an april 2015 date you may need to book the venue now if your heart is set on something, but there will be a venue somewhere and sometime. I got a popular venue in a popular month with 9 months to go. I was flexible with my date so that helped a lot. I know that does not always happen, but if you are flexible it will work out eventually.
Sorry about your dad and his job but that happens. It is hard to get a job in our current economy and especially in winter months sometimes people have to let people go, and the newest guy typically goes first. He is not obligated to buy your dress and I can guess that if he just lost his job (and others) he probably already feels bad and now already feels worse because he PROMISED to buy your dress. Well we all want a lot of things but Promises are not always reality, especially when the financial situation changes. Maybe in 6 months he will be able to help with you more but do not plan on anything until it is actually given to you. Right now you do not need to buy a dress so start saving in case you do not get help and plan to start looking at dresses this summer when you know what your dress budget is. Only buy things and plan things you know you can pay for.
do not even think about gifts until next year. you are stressing over things that are not even important right now. Also, do not share things with your SIL--she has no right to get involved in your planning unless she is paying for something, so her opinion on that does not really matter. Stop sharing wedding planning with her. As long as you get them something in the same budget range you are fine. What are they going to do with one wine glass? I hope it is at least a set or something. Be sure all gifts are personable and usable or you are just wasting your money! If they all like wine, great they would enjoy wine glasses. But if they already have a bunch of wine glasses, adding one more is a waste and it will most likely end up in goodwill.