Tell me why this is OK - really I want to know!

MGP · March 2014

(mini rant so bear with me)

I am sick and tired of people's arguments that "well this is 2014 and things are different". OK I get things like a dowry are pretty much obsolete. Don't want to wear a white dress? I could care less. The way you treat people - not so much. When did being fair, kind, and considerate to your guest become outdated and not important?

So for you brides that give us outlandish reasons about why your circumstances are so super special please explain to me how these examples I give are OK.

Please feel free to add some more!

"There is NO WAY we can close the gap between the ceremony and reception"

How is this fair/kind/considerate to your favorite uncle who had to use airline miles to afford a plane ticket, wake up at 4:00 AM to catch a flight to make it to your 2:00 ceremony, then twiddled his thumbs in a hotel room for three hours, stayed at your reception until midnight, then woke up at 4:00 AM the next day to go home because he has other things going on in his life like a job and a family.

"We can't afford an open bar so would rather give the people who would like to drink the option of a cash bar"

How is this fair/kind/considerate to your neighbors who just filed bankruptcy who are told by the bartender "that will be $18" when they order two glasses of wine.

"There is a location that is so meaningful to us because it's the first place we saw a bird take a poop together (or other ridiculous reason) that we just HAVE to go off site after the reception for a photo shoot with the whole wedding party and do Pinterest inspired poses"

How is this fair/kind/considerate to your bridesmaid who is six weeks pregnant, hasn't told anyone, hiding her morning sickness and is subject to hours on location in the heat with no food or water (because that's what always happens at these things).

"Honeymoon registries are such a fresh and modern take on gift giving and the online convenience is great"

How is this fair/considerate/kind to your grandmother who thinks asking for money is rude (believe me 99.9% of her generation thinks the same), doesn't even own a computer with dial up, and doesn't understand why she can't just write you a check.

Because these are the people that you hurt the most. Not the caterer who still makes their money from people buying drinks, not your photographer who gets to post pictures on his website of a bride being fawned over by her brideslaves in personalized silk robes, and especially not Honeyfund.

Rant over, thank you.

Jells2dot0 · March 2014

It's all okay because every bride knows it's HER day and her friends and family will support whatever she wants because they love her so much.

MGP · March 2014

Jells2dot0 said:

It's all okay because every bride knows it's HER day and her friends and family will support whatever she wants because they love her so much.

I was recently told that you put up with crap like this because THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU DO for your friends and family (was told that from a bride - no surprise). Sorry, I just don't get the concept that it's OK to treat your friends and family in unspeakable ways and then give perfect strangers more regard and respect. It's so backwards.

artbyallie · March 2014

"We needed health insurance so we got married but aren't telling anyone and are still having a 'real' wedding."

How is this fair/kind/considerate to: your family who really wants to and thinks they are seeing you get married? Your gay friends who can't get those benefits you put so little value in that simply being wed isn't good enough for you? Anyone who got married at the courthouse and didn't have a big party since you're now saying to them that their wedding wasn't real?

Jells2dot0 · March 2014

MGP said:

Jells2dot0 said:

It's all okay because every bride knows it's HER day and her friends and family will support whatever she wants because they love her so much.
I was recently told that you put up with crap like this because THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU DO for your friends and family (was told that from a bride - no surprise). Sorry, I just don't get the concept that it's OK to treat your friends and family in unspeakable ways and then give perfect strangers more regard and respect. It's so backwards.

Yeah, I don't really get it. It's not okay.

I hope everyone realizes my post was sarcastic

AroundTheBlock · March 2014

How is this fair/considerate/kind to your grandmother who thinks asking for money is rude (believe me 99.9% of her generation thinks the same), doesn't even own a computer with dial up, and doesn't understand why she can't just write you a check.

If someone's grandmother doesn't own a computer and doesn't know about internet shopping, then she is probably their Amish grandmother; or she is very much an exceptional minority. And that's attributing an unfair level of ignorance to Amish seniors. Really, my 81-year-old brother runs a part-time computer business. Please stop stereotyping the elderly. It is the twenty-first century: your grandmother's generation invented the internet.

Rant over. Thank you.

MGP · March 2014

How is this fair/considerate/kind to your grandmother who thinks asking for money is rude (believe me 99.9% of her generation thinks the same), doesn't even own a computer with dial up, and doesn't understand why she can't just write you a check.

If someone's grandmother doesn't own a computer and doesn't know about internet shopping, then she is probably their Amish grandmother; or she is very much an exceptional minority. And that's attributing an unfair level of ignorance to Amish seniors. Really, my 81-year-old brother runs a part-time computer business. Please stop stereotyping the elderly. It is the twenty-first century: your grandmother's generation invented the internet.

Rant over. Thank you.

Don't stereotype me either. I am older than you assume. My parent's generation invented the Internet. Many of my older relatives have died in the last decade and didn't have a computer at home and all lived in civilized, large cities. My own mother got her first email and learned to shop online 5 years ago.

My point was that some people (including myself) don't see an online transaction as a heartfelt wedding gift and when couples demand only to be given gifts (and cash gifts at that) in that fashion it is rude. That is all. And honestly we could all take some cues from older generations in manners and frugality and I mean that with the utmost respect.

JCbride2015 · March 2014

Ugh so many SSs lately, just got a new one on the PPD thread.

Seriously, any story about why your situation is so special which begins with, "I've been dreaming about my wedding since I was a little girl..." I just can't with that.

LDay2014 · March 2014

MGP said:

How is this fair/considerate/kind to your grandmother who thinks asking for money is rude (believe me 99.9% of her generation thinks the same), doesn't even own a computer with dial up, and doesn't understand why she can't just write you a check.

If someone's grandmother doesn't own a computer and doesn't know about internet shopping, then she is probably their Amish grandmother; or she is very much an exceptional minority. And that's attributing an unfair level of ignorance to Amish seniors. Really, my 81-year-old brother runs a part-time computer business. Please stop stereotyping the elderly. It is the twenty-first century: your grandmother's generation invented the internet.

Rant over. Thank you.
Don't stereotype me either. I am older than you assume. My parent's generation invented the Internet. Many of my older relatives have died in the last decade and didn't have a computer at home and all lived in civilized, large cities. My own mother got her first email and learned to shop online 5 years ago. My point was that some people (including myself) don't see an online transaction as a heartfelt wedding gift and when couples demand only to be given gifts (and cash gifts at that) in that fashion it is rude. That is all. And honestly we could all take some cues from the older generation in manners and frugality and I mean that with the utmost respect.

not to mention that a good percentage of the 'donation' gets taken by the company so that $100 Aunt Sheila gave you is actually only $95.

mysticl · March 2014

AroundTheBlock said:

How is this fair/considerate/kind to your grandmother who thinks asking for money is rude (believe me 99.9% of her generation thinks the same), doesn't even own a computer with dial up, and doesn't understand why she can't just write you a check.

If someone's grandmother doesn't own a computer and doesn't know about internet shopping, then she is probably their Amish grandmother; or she is very much an exceptional minority. And that's attributing an unfair level of ignorance to Amish seniors. Really, my 81-year-old brother runs a part-time computer business. Please stop stereotyping the elderly. It is the twenty-first century: your grandmother's generation invented the internet.

Rant over. Thank you.

That sentence makes no sense. The lack of use of technology in the Amish community has nothing to do with ignorance, it is part of their religion.

And I'm pretty sure it was my mother's generation (or maybe the one after hers) that invented the internet not my grandparents. My grandparents did not own/use computers, cell phones, DVD players, etc.

MGP · March 2014

LDay2014 said:
not to mention that a good percentage of the 'donation' gets taken by the company so that $100 Aunt Sheila gave you is actually only $95.

Exactly. And people OF ALL AGES may have an issue with a percentage of their gift value going to a website for doing absolutely nothing.

For some reason I can't edit my original post but this is another huge reason to not offend your guests.

blabla89 · March 2014

AroundTheBlock said:

How is this fair/considerate/kind to your grandmother who thinks asking for money is rude (believe me 99.9% of her generation thinks the same), doesn't even own a computer with dial up, and doesn't understand why she can't just write you a check.

If someone's grandmother doesn't own a computer and doesn't know about internet shopping, then she is probably their Amish grandmother; or she is very much an exceptional minority. And that's attributing an unfair level of ignorance to Amish seniors. Really, my 81-year-old brother runs a part-time computer business. Please stop stereotyping the elderly. It is the twenty-first century: your grandmother's generation invented the internet.

Rant over. Thank you.

My grandmother uses a computer; she still considers it rude to ask for money like that. She may be technologically inclined but she is NOT an ATM machine - and that's basically what you're implying when you ask your guests for money in any form. OP's point is made.

ETA spelling

wrigleyville · March 2014

AroundTheBlock said:

How is this fair/considerate/kind to your grandmother who thinks asking for money is rude (believe me 99.9% of her generation thinks the same), doesn't even own a computer with dial up, and doesn't understand why she can't just write you a check.

If someone's grandmother doesn't own a computer and doesn't know about internet shopping, then she is probably their Amish grandmother; or she is very much an exceptional minority. And that's attributing an unfair level of ignorance to Amish seniors. Really, my 81-year-old brother runs a part-time computer business. Please stop stereotyping the elderly. It is the twenty-first century: your grandmother's generation invented the internet.

Rant over. Thank you.

Oh, please. I know plenty of people over the age of 50 who aren't comfortable with computers and certainly aren't comfortable making online purchases.

My grandmothers' generation did not invent the internet, by the way. One grandmother was born in 1914, and the other was born in 1919. Not every bride on this site is 21-years old. Maybe YOU should quit stereotyping.

MGP · March 2014

lalalaurita said:

AroundTheBlock said:

How is this fair/considerate/kind to your grandmother who thinks asking for money is rude (believe me 99.9% of her generation thinks the same), doesn't even own a computer with dial up, and doesn't understand why she can't just write you a check.

If someone's grandmother doesn't own a computer and doesn't know about internet shopping, then she is probably their Amish grandmother; or she is very much an exceptional minority. And that's attributing an unfair level of ignorance to Amish seniors. Really, my 81-year-old brother runs a part-time computer business. Please stop stereotyping the elderly. It is the twenty-first century: your grandmother's generation invented the internet.

Rant over. Thank you.

My grandmother uses a computer; she still considers it rude to ask for money like that. She may be technologically inclined but she is NOT an ATM machine - and that's basically what you're implying when you ask your guests for money in any form. OP's point is made.

ETA spelling

In my own defense I truly believe an Amish senior would have major issues being asked to give money as a wedding gift to pay for someone's honeymoon, regardless if the payment was online or not. Bottom line is people of all ages and backgrounds take offense being asked for money. 1814 or 2014, technological or not - it's inappropriate.

SP29 · March 2014

My grandparents (who are "young") don't own a computer (well they did for a bit, then got rid of it).

My mom uses the internet all the time, I bet she'd still ask me how to use the HoneyFund

.

phira · March 2014

I like how this has turned into a thread about whether or not it's fair to stereotype older people when it comes to computer ownership and use.

I think we can safely say that 1) there are plenty of people who don't own a computer (older or younger, who cares) or don't have access to regular internet, and 2) there are plenty of people (older or younger, who cares) who DO. So when you're sitting here arguing over whether or not it's a reasonable stereotype to say that a lot of older folks don't own or know how to use computers, I'm sitting here thinking, "Look, all I know is that one of my grandmother's was tech savvy before *I* was, and my mom still doesn't know how to use the command button on her Macbook. Who cares? You can't assume that all of your guests will check your wedding website, RSVP online, or buy something off your registry online."

ANYWAY.

"Come on, it's 2014! Everyone knows how tight money is, so they'll just be happy to be invited to the ceremony even if they can't come to the reception/they'll just be happy to come and dance at the end of the night!"

LDay2014 · March 2014

All the weddings I have been to are cash bar/tiered/covered in whatever bad etiquette I'm trying to justify. It's a regional thing!

I especially hate when they say it's a Canadian thing. I'm Canadian and firmly middle class - just because Canadians are generally too polite to tell you that you're being rude doesn't mean your etiquette breach is ok...UGH!

phira · March 2014

LDay2014 said:

All the weddings I have been to are cash bar/tiered/covered in whatever bad etiquette I'm trying to justify. It's a regional thing!

I especially hate when they say it's a Canadian thing. I'm Canadian and firmly middle class - just because Canadians are generally too polite to tell you that you're being rude doesn't mean your etiquette breach is ok...UGH!

I HATE that excuse too! It's not like you're being forced to comply with bad etiquette because of your location.

Chipmunk415 · March 2014

AroundTheBlock said:

How is this fair/considerate/kind to your grandmother who thinks asking for money is rude (believe me 99.9% of her generation thinks the same), doesn't even own a computer with dial up, and doesn't understand why she can't just write you a check.

If someone's grandmother doesn't own a computer and doesn't know about internet shopping, then she is probably their Amish grandmother; or she is very much an exceptional minority. And that's attributing an unfair level of ignorance to Amish seniors. Really, my 81-year-old brother runs a part-time computer business. Please stop stereotyping the elderly. It is the twenty-first century: your grandmother's generation invented the internet.

Rant over. Thank you.

Calling you out. My grandma LIVES in Amish territory- Lancaster, PA. No, she's not Amish. She is, however, 92 years old and blind, and has to rely on a friend from Church to help her write checks. She can't see a damn computer, much less the screen, and wouldn't be able to figure out the darn thing. I was very touched to receive a paper check from her, along with the personal notes she dictated to go in the card, one for my FI and one for me.

Additionally, my folks refuse to shop on the internet for anything other than what absolutely has to be ordered on there (ie, plane tix, track and field/speedskating tickets). (they are 70 and 64 respectively). Anything that can be bought in a physical store, is.

Just because your non-Amish grandma is internet savvy does not mean the rest of the older population is.

banana468 · March 2014

I'm having a cash bar because I'm not paying for you to get drunk! This is what what we do here in New England!

The hell it is. It's rude to charge your guests to drink anything and using that logic implies that your guests are cheap.

BTW, my grandmother is going to be 97 and has never owned a computer. The woman is as sharp as a tack but there are two types of things in her home with screens: windows and the TV.

climbingsingle · March 2014

My grandma is 92. I assure you her generation did not invent the internet. She has a computer and uses it. However, she would never buy anything online. In fact, my 64 year old parents don't even purchase things online. And all of them firmly believe it's rude to ask for money.

MGP · March 2014

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vint_Cerf And since this discussion has derailed to this - the inventors of the Internet were born in 1938 and 1943. Which (at least for me) means that was my parent's generation. And they are probably horrified that their great invention enables this type of tackiness!

faeriedust101 · March 2014

Chipmunk415 said:

AroundTheBlock said:

How is this fair/considerate/kind to your grandmother who thinks asking for money is rude (believe me 99.9% of her generation thinks the same), doesn't even own a computer with dial up, and doesn't understand why she can't just write you a check.

If someone's grandmother doesn't own a computer and doesn't know about internet shopping, then she is probably their Amish grandmother; or she is very much an exceptional minority. And that's attributing an unfair level of ignorance to Amish seniors. Really, my 81-year-old brother runs a part-time computer business. Please stop stereotyping the elderly. It is the twenty-first century: your grandmother's generation invented the internet.

Rant over. Thank you.

Calling you out. My grandma LIVES in Amish territory- Lancaster, PA. No, she's not Amish. She is, however, 92 years old and blind, and has to rely on a friend from Church to help her write checks. She can't see a damn computer, much less the screen, and wouldn't be able to figure out the darn thing. I was very touched to receive a paper check from her, along with the personal notes she dictated to go in the card, one for my FI and one for me.

Additionally, my folks refuse to shop on the internet for anything other than what absolutely has to be ordered on there (ie, plane tix, track and field/speedskating tickets). (they are 70 and 64 respectively). Anything that can be bought in a physical store, is.

Just because your non-Amish grandma is internet savvy does not mean the rest of the older population is.

There are a lot of the elderly who are really good with the internet and could figure out how to contribute to your tacky honeyfund. But there are still a lot of people of all ages who do not know how to use the computer. I see it everyday. I work in a public library and a big part of my day is helping people on the internet. It drives me crazy when the elderly's only option to do something is to go on the internet because a lot of them don't know how to do it. This includes banking/getting tax forms/emailing/ and much much more. And I agree that there are still a lot of people who are hesitant to buy things online. Or do not have the required email address to do so.

Jen4948 · March 2014

My BF's mother absolutely refuses to have an Internet connection in her house. He lives with her, so he has to go to the library or FedEx Office or some such place whenever he needs to use the computer in his personal time to do things he can't use his phone for.

She is in her 60s, near 70.

mysticl · March 2014

I use the computer at home a lot…………now. I used to have a job where I spent a fair chunk of my day on the computer. When I would get home from work the last thing I wanted to do was get on the computer. I would go days without turning my home computer on.

AroundTheBlock · March 2014

And Licklider, whose 1960 paper described the need and power of a global computer network, and whose work fed directly into Kleinrock's, Barran's and Davies', was born in 1915 and would be 99 next week. Not the point. There are many examples that can be cited to support lumping any minority group into stereotypes -- you can find ethnic examples, gender examples, class examples you can wave about to try to show that your prejudices are justified. And I can wave about the story of my 26-year-old grandniece who didn't know until last week that iPhones need a SIM card, or the fact that I can write Python while discussing the wedding of my great-grand-niece. There are enough people of different ages and backgrounds who struggle with technology, to adequately make your point about honeyfunds without stigmatizing grandmothers as computer-illiterate.

MGP · March 2014

AroundTheBlock said:

And Licklider, whose 1960 paper described the need and power of a global computer network, and whose work fed directly into Kleinrock's, Barran's and Davies', was born in 1915 and would be 99 next week. Not the point. There are many examples that can be cited to support lumping any minority group into stereotypes -- you can find ethnic examples, gender examples, class examples you can wave about to try to show that your prejudices are justified. And I can wave about the story of my 26-year-old grandniece who didn't know until last week that iPhones need a SIM card, or the fact that I can write Python while discussing the wedding of my great-grand-niece. There are enough people of different ages and backgrounds who struggle with technology, to adequately make your point about honeyfunds without stigmatizing grandmothers as computer-illiterate.

Are you serious?? Did you also not like the fact that I used an example that a female member of a wedding party could possibly be pregnant? Because that's a protected class too.

Man if I could go back and delete this now I could. If you have such a problem with what I said and think it violates TOS, then report me.

mysticl · March 2014

AroundTheBlock said:

And Licklider, whose 1960 paper described the need and power of a global computer network, and whose work fed directly into Kleinrock's, Barran's and Davies', was born in 1915 and would be 99 next week. Not the point. There are many examples that can be cited to support lumping any minority group into stereotypes -- you can find ethnic examples, gender examples, class examples you can wave about to try to show that your prejudices are justified. And I can wave about the story of my 26-year-old grandniece who didn't know until last week that iPhones need a SIM card, or the fact that I can write Python while discussing the wedding of my great-grand-niece. There are enough people of different ages and backgrounds who struggle with technology, to adequately make your point about honeyfunds without stigmatizing grandmothers as computer-illiterate.

I don't see this as stigmatizing. If it was stigmatizing she would be saying there was something wrong with a grandmother not using the computer. She didn't say that. My grandmother didn't use a computer. There was nothing wrong with that. She had lived decades without having a use for one so she never felt the need to start using one.

APDSS22 · March 2014

Personally, my grandmother is computer literate but chooses to use her typewriter for all of her personal correspondence and recipe cards. Of course, that has nothing to do with the sense of entitlement in brides where this thread started.

Kauris · March 2014

@MGP there is nothing wrong with your post, I was quite enjoying it until it was successfully trolled.

Back to the original issue....

What is the best way to ask for cash gifts to fund my AHHMAYYZZING trip to Fiji? Because I totes deserve a vacay!!! And they better "donate" enough to cover their plate...

No one deserves a honeymoon. Some people save, some just make more money, some are super lucky and have families that fund this, but no one deserves a vacation, and your guests deserve respect enough to not have to be solicited for funding.

Cookie Pusher · March 2014

My friends/family will totally provide me with free labor leading up to/on my wedding day! They're just being selfish if they can't come to all my craft nights/man the guest book/hand out programs/act as bartenders/cut and serve the cake. They should be honored that I would ask them!

Because, really, who wouldn't want to miss half the reception to do something you should be paying the caterer/waitstaff to do! My life absolutely wouldn't be complete unless I spent all my time and energy tying ribbons for your wedding instead of... I don't know... spending time with my friends and family, catching up on sleep, watching paint dry...

Tell me why this is OK - really I want to know!

Re: Tell me why this is OK - really I want to know!

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