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Wedding Woes

Exs at the Wedding....

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Re: Exs at the Wedding....

  • First, and foremost, thank you for your service to our country.

    Second, you are putting the cart before the horse. There is no wedding right now, hence no wedding woe, or ex at the wedding. So, you need to really figure out if this person is someone you really want to marry, if this is such a big red flag for you and you are so conservative, this might be the tip of the iceberg on things that make you incompatible.

    Third, if/when you decide to get engaged and beginning to discuss guest lists, then you can reference this conversation and ask if he was serious and address your concerns. Most responsible, mature couples actually have several conversations about it before hand, I know we did. It sounds like this is the direction you are heading, if so, good luck and best wishes! 

  • There will absolutely be no exes at my upcoming wedding. I am also uncomfortable with being round anyone my fiance has been with, so I understand that feeling. It doesn't have anything to do with insecurity or jealousy, it's just uncomfortable knowing that they were once in an intimate relationship with the man I am currently in an intimate relationship with. But- the difference is: my fiance knows how I feel about it. His family is still very much a part of one of his ex's life and they don't understand why he isn't inviting her to the wedding. It's out of respect for me and my feelings. You need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation with your beau about it all. If you are ever going to seriously consider marriage with this guy, then you first have to learn that honesty and respect are key building blocks to a healthy relationship. 
    Amyzen83abeltran731
  • There will absolutely be no exes at my upcoming wedding. I am also uncomfortable with being round anyone my fiance has been with, so I understand that feeling. It doesn't have anything to do with insecurity or jealousy, it's just uncomfortable knowing that they were once in an intimate relationship with the man I am currently in an intimate relationship with. But- the difference is: my fiance knows how I feel about it. His family is still very much a part of one of his ex's life and they don't understand why he isn't inviting her to the wedding. It's out of respect for me and my feelings. You need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation with your beau about it all. If you are ever going to seriously consider marriage with this guy, then you first have to learn that honesty and respect are key building blocks to a healthy relationship. 
    I agree with this! It's not an insecurity thing or possibly even jealousy, it's about wanting to start a life with your man as husband and wife and all exes put aside. The last thing I'd want to think about on my wedding day is a reminder that we were not each other's firsts if I were in OP's shoes. And as far as friendships with exes or hell friendships all together, the way I see it, is once you decide that you are going to spend the rest of your lives together, you should no longer be seeing things as his and hers friends, going forward they should be "our friends." And if groom is still friends with his ex, but fi feels uncomfortable by her presence and it could just be as simple as keeping the past in the past, then groom needs to respect that, but it should be mutual as well. OP, if you have exes that you wish to remain friends but make your bf feel awkward or uncomfortable with, then you need to be willing to let go of those friendships.

    With my two cents said, OP, I think you may be over thinking this situation a bit, like others said, you could be putting the cart in front of the horse, but before you even discuss marriage, you need to have a conversation about friends, exes and what your expectations are and set the boundaries with each other now before it gets too late in the game and so there will not be surprises.
  • Since you feel people are judgmental towards conservative people, (and actually, it does look that way from a lot of posts,) let me offer you a more conservative thought, since I am also more conservative.

    First off- I'm not sure what you are referencing when you call it a red flag. However, it looks like you need to talk to him about this. He's obviously thinking of his wedding, and he's telling his ex that he's getting married to YOU... what a wonderful thing! But that being said, you guys need to talk about the fact that you consider this a red flag, and about the exes at a wedding.

    I don't believe in staying friends with exes, but I know people who do. It really depends on the nature of the friendship, and whether or not BOTH parties are comfortable with exes in the picture. Is he huggy and lovey and intimate with her? Or is it casual, like a normal friendship? Not all friendships with exes are bad... but it is something you need to talk about, because it CAN affect your marriage. Given that he has already asked you to make a choice regarding YOUR ex, you need to talk about the nature of exes in the relationship... for BOTH of you. Marriage is a huge choice, and you need to determine what factors will be a part of it TOGETHER.

    And of course, if you guys do get married, you really should sit down and talk about guest lists and locations together. If you are getting married in your current state, and he and his ex is not very close, but she decides to come, three states away, I would be a little concerned. But definitely talk to him that your guest list should be something you decide together... especially since you may eventually have to trim it, and you don't want people disappointed if they don't make the cut!

    Each situation is different. If you're conservative, that's fine. But you and him need to work it out together. It's YOUR relationship. If you can't live with exes in it, and he can't live without his exes, you need to find that out BEFORE you tie the knot. So really- as non-judgmental as I possibly can- please talk to him and figure things out.
    Amyzen83
  • Jenne,

    I know a lot of people on here are pretty much making you feel like you're over-reacting and "putting the cart before the horse," but who are any of us to tell you that what you feel is right or wrong?

    If it matters to you, it matters.

    Yes, he hasn't proposed just yet, but if he's talking like that, then I'm going to give you an early congratulations. Now, whether you want to talk to him about it now while it's a fresh matter or a little later down the line once he's proposed & you're starting to plan out your guest list is up to the two of you. I've had the same conversation with my FI about how we feel about exes at the wedding, in fact we've had several conversations.

    This is the man that you will hopefully be spending the rest of your life with and if you guys can't be comfortable with each other having a past, then that is an issue that should be addressed before any rings are given. As a couple others have said, the fact that he didn't want you to respond to a letter from an ex who was checking on you, but he invited his ex to a wedding before even discussing it with you, is something that would absolutely concern me if I were you.  Trust & respect need to go both ways.

    Plan out what you want to discuss ahead of time & then ask him to sit down & talk with you. If he wants to marry you, he loves you. You shouldn't be worried about expressing your fears or things that make you uncomfortable, even if you can't fully explain why they make you uncomfortable. No matter how big or small something may seem to anyone else, it's important to you and that is enough. You both need to be on the same page.

    Wishing you luck. Please let us know how everything turns out. Thank you for serving!
    Amyzen83
  • I guess I just have a problem looking at someone he use to be inside of.... on our wedding day.


    I really don't mean any offense but...the statement above seems pretty childish.

    Don't get me wrong, you can feel however you do about having exes at your wedding. I'm confused why you're so focused on this girl though. Do you really think that on your (maybe fututre) wedding day the only thing you're going to be thinking about is how your (maybe future) husband "was inside" some girl years ago? If so, I think there are other underlying issues here.

     

    pinkshorts27thejucheideaAddieCakeHisGirlFriday13
  • My fiance's ex-wife is invited to the wedding, mostly as an olive branch since we're all raising a child together.

    Also, our officiant is my fiance's best friend (and a very dear friend of mine), who also happens to be one of his ex girlfriends. 

    Certainly, we both have exes with whom we don't exactly have friendly relationships, and they aren't invited. Personally, however, I don't consider sleeping with someone to be the same thing as dating them, so I wouldn't even refer to an old hook-up buddy as an ex. 
  • 2 words: hell. no.
  • My fiance was in one of my exes weddings a couple years ago (as an Usher), as they were friends/neighbors at the time. When I was dating that ex, my fiance was a neighbor of him, but I never met him (just his sister/brother-in-law since they lived in the attached twinhome to my ex) at all during that timeframe. But, my fiance and I ended up meeting through a mutual friend - who I stayed friends with after another ex and I broke up. Small world!

    I don't plan on having this one particular ex at our wedding, as I don't really want him there. He married the girl he met while him and I were still together, and although I know my fiance occasionally talks to him - they're not as close as they once were (and not due to me). Plus, I'm pretty sure my mother would not allow it since she is not too fond of this guy anymore (obviously).

    However, if others feel OK having exes at their weddings - I say go for it. It's all up to you and how comfortable you would feel with it.


    Amyzen83
  • I am not conservative at all, but I agree with you. It's not about being insecure, it's not thinking he's going to run out on you... it's just... WEIRD. And why should you be uncomfortable for one second on your wedding day? When the time comes, you can make the call. If it were me, that would be a non-issue because the answer would be... no :)
    Amyzen83
  • Not weird or a red flag to me at all.  My ex is still one of my best friend's and he'll be at my wedding, and I will be at his a few months later.  Just because someone has slept with someone in the past, doesn't mean they're going to desire them for all eternity...it's ok to be friends, relax.  LOL. 

    Not sure why you'd think it's a red flag when he clearly thinks so little of it that he mentioned it to you so nonchalantly and likewise invited her so casually.  Perhaps he gave you way too much credit and assumed you were secure enough in your relationship to not feel a way about it.  From the outside looking in, I definitely wouldn't see it as a problem, but I don't know what underlying issues or experiences exist in your relationship, so perhaps it's something you should discuss with him since it clearly bothers you.

    pinkshorts27
  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Yea so my exes were from high school, so I wouldn't invite them since I haven't seen them in 7+ years. My FI has no exes really. But we are pretty open so I think it would depend on the situation, like what their relationship was now. If they were invited just because they were an ex, that would be weird. But if they were supportive of our relationship and invited because they were a current friend, then I would be okay with it.

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    Amyzen83
  • OP I think the general consensus is that some people have no issue inviting exes to a wedding some do and it depends on your dynamics. I think if your fi does propose and it sounds like he's thinking about it if he's already discussing weddings and marriage exciting for you! You will need to discuss what roles your exes are going to play in your lives and there absolutely cannot be any double standards, too me the double standard would be the red flag regardless of him and his exes past
  • I still want to know how in the hell he justifies saying you can't be friendly with an old boyfriend, but saying that when the two of you have a wedding, someone he used to fuck will be invited.
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    mrsconn23HisGirlFriday13Amyzen83
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