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Engagement Etiquette... for out of towners

renee_lynnrenee_lynn member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I am trying to plan my engagement party, and have a large family. But my problem is my out of towners, they live in CA, FL, TX, & IL. Do they get an engagement invite too? I want them to get one because they are part of my family, but I don't want them to think I am expecting a gift from sending them an invitation. I've tried to search the internet via Google for an answer but nothing comes up for out of towners that are a flight away. Flights aren't cheap at all and don't want them to think they'd have to come or send something...

Anyone have had to make a decision like this? 
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Re: Engagement Etiquette... for out of towners

  • princessleia22princessleia22 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited February 2014

    Just because they are out of town doesn't mean you shouldn't invite them.  An invite isn't an obligation to come to the event.  If they want to get on a plane to come to the party, they will come.  If not, they won't.  You may get a few of them that come. The majority of them probably won't make it, but it's still nice to be invited. 

    If you are really worried about it, you could always write a "we would love to have you celebrate with us, but understand if you are unable to join us" type message.  Or have family or someone pass that information on that you don't want them to feel obligated and you won't be upset if they can't make it. I have family all across country, so everyone is traveling to my wedding (most people over 1000 miles). My parents and I had talked to a lot of the family and we had an idea on who was or wasn't coming before invites even went out. And even for the people that already said they couldn't come, I still sent them invitations.

    And, since this is the etiquette board: You aren't supposed to throw your own pre-wedding parties (engagement, bridal shower, bachelorette, etc.).  Make sure you invite everyone to the wedding that is being invited to the pre-wedding parties. And the only wedding related event that is supposed to be gift-giving is the bridal shower (not engagement party or wedding).  Most people probably won't feel obligated or even think to give gifts for engagement party.

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  • renee_lynnrenee_lynn member
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    nicoann said:

    Just because they are out of town doesn't mean you shouldn't invite them.  An invite isn't an obligation to come to the event.  If they want to get on a plane to come to the party, they will come.  If not, they won't.  You may get a few of them that come. The majority of them probably won't make it, but it's still nice to be invited. 

    If you are really worried about it, you could always write a "we would love to have you celebrate with us, but understand if you are unable to join us" type message.  Or have family or someone pass that information on that you don't want them to feel obligated and you won't be upset if they can't make it. I have family all across country, so everyone is traveling to my wedding (most people over 1000 miles). My parents and I had talked to a lot of the family and we had an idea on who was or wasn't coming before invites even went out. And even for the people that already said they couldn't come, I still sent them invitations.

    Perfect! I will definitely type that up so I can put it in the invitations for them. I was going to send an invitation either way but wasn't sure how to go about it. 
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  • renee_lynnrenee_lynn member
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    AprilH81 said:
    renee_lynn said:
    I am trying to plan my engagement party, and have a large family. But my problem is my out of towners, they live in CA, FL, TX, & IL. Do they get an engagement invite too? I want them to get one because they are part of my family, but I don't want them to think I am expecting a gift from sending them an invitation. I've tried to search the internet via Google for an answer but nothing comes up for out of towners that are a flight away. Flights aren't cheap at all and don't want them to think they'd have to come or send something...

    Anyone have had to make a decision like this? 
    You should not be planning your own engagement party because it is rude to throw a party in your own honor.

    If someone offers to host one for you then you are allowed to have a say in the date and the guest list, but everything else is up to the host(s).  Engagement parties aren't typicaly gift giving events, so you can invite whomever you like BUT....

    Everyone who is invited to a pre-wedding party (engagement party, shower, bachelorette party, etc.) must be invited to the wedding.
    Oh I am not hosting it my mother is, but she isn't computer savvy so I figured I could do the the tech/computer stuff for her. 

    I read up on all the etiquette things I was just wanting opinions about out of towners, and etc. Making sure I don't make anyone feel out of place and what not. Thank you though for your help. 
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    renee_lynn said:
    nicoann said:

    Just because they are out of town doesn't mean you shouldn't invite them.  An invite isn't an obligation to come to the event.  If they want to get on a plane to come to the party, they will come.  If not, they won't.  You may get a few of them that come. The majority of them probably won't make it, but it's still nice to be invited. 

    If you are really worried about it, you could always write a "we would love to have you celebrate with us, but understand if you are unable to join us" type message.  Or have family or someone pass that information on that you don't want them to feel obligated and you won't be upset if they can't make it. I have family all across country, so everyone is traveling to my wedding (most people over 1000 miles). My parents and I had talked to a lot of the family and we had an idea on who was or wasn't coming before invites even went out. And even for the people that already said they couldn't come, I still sent them invitations.

    Perfect! I will definitely type that up so I can put it in the invitations for them. I was going to send an invitation either way but wasn't sure how to go about it. 
    Did you miss the part about not hosting your own engagement party? 
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • renee_lynnrenee_lynn member
    Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    renee_lynn said:
    nicoann said:

    Just because they are out of town doesn't mean you shouldn't invite them.  An invite isn't an obligation to come to the event.  If they want to get on a plane to come to the party, they will come.  If not, they won't.  You may get a few of them that come. The majority of them probably won't make it, but it's still nice to be invited. 

    If you are really worried about it, you could always write a "we would love to have you celebrate with us, but understand if you are unable to join us" type message.  Or have family or someone pass that information on that you don't want them to feel obligated and you won't be upset if they can't make it. I have family all across country, so everyone is traveling to my wedding (most people over 1000 miles). My parents and I had talked to a lot of the family and we had an idea on who was or wasn't coming before invites even went out. And even for the people that already said they couldn't come, I still sent them invitations.

    Perfect! I will definitely type that up so I can put it in the invitations for them. I was going to send an invitation either way but wasn't sure how to go about it. 
    Did you miss the part about not hosting your own engagement party? 
    No I didn't miss it, I mentioned above my mother is hosting it but since I am computer savvy and she isn't I am asking the questions and helping her with computer things. 

    I get the I can't host the engagement party cause it's rude to throw a party in my own honor.
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  • chibiyuichibiyui member
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    Personally, I'd find it a little odd to get an engagement party invite if I was on the other side of the country. It's not against etiquette though.
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  • renee_lynnrenee_lynn member
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    chibiyui said:
    Personally, I'd find it a little odd to get an engagement party invite if I was on the other side of the country. It's not against etiquette though.

    See that's what I had thought they would think! It's my god parents, and cousins who live the farthest and we are close but it's just hard. I don't want them to think I don't want there nor do I want them to wonder why they are getting one when it'd be really difficult to come. 
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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
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    OP, just remember that a party invitation is not a subpoena or a warrant; people can decline them if they choose to. If I were your close family member living across the country and I received this invite, I would feel that you sent it to me because you genuinely welcome my presence at an event that celebrates your upcoming nuptials. I'd pick up the phone and call to let you know that "I very much appreciate the invite, congrats again! Unfortunately, I won't be able to make it this time but I cannot wait to come out for your wedding" (since you would be sending me a wedding invite if you invited me to a pre-wedding party!)


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  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree completely with JellyBean. If I received an invitation that said something like "We'd love to see you but understand if you can't come and won't be upset!" I'd be a bit miffed. It comes off very strangely to me and makes me confused about your intentions for inviting me. If you wish they could attend, invite them. They will accept or decline.

    FWIW, I was invited to one of my cousin's bridal showers even though I live 3,000 miles away and I'm so glad that I was invited. I was close to being able to schedule a trip back to visit my parents who live nearby her at the same time as her bridal shower and would have loved to have gotten to go! Unfortunately, it didn't work for me to head back east at that time. But if I had, it would have been awkward had she not invited me but really wanted me to come just didn't invite me because of the distance if I had been able to travel all that way. An invite after the fact would have made me feel slighted even though I'm sure that wouldn't have been her intention.
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree- either send an invitation or don't. However, I definitely would not include a note saying "I understand if you cannot make it" or something along those lines. Of course you would understand, you aren't seven and going to throw a temper tantrum. The extra note reads to me as "I don't really wan't you to come but I am obligated to send you an invite".

    As PP have said, an invitation isn't a subpoena, they know they can decline. I would just send them the same invitation and if they can make it, fantastic!
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  • renee_lynnrenee_lynn member
    Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    @Jellybean52513 , @LondonLisa & @lc07 .

    Thank you ladies for your input. I will make sure no notes go with the invites. I was just on the fence on what to do. I haven't ever had a friend/relative who lives far have a party or anything so I wasn't sure what to do.

    Thank you again. 
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm glad it worked out. Enjoy your party!
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited March 2014
    renee_lynn said:
    I am trying to plan my engagement party, and have a large family. But my problem is my out of towners, they live in CA, FL, TX, & IL. Do they get an engagement invite too? I want them to get one because they are part of my family, but I don't want them to think I am expecting a gift from sending them an invitation. I've tried to search the internet via Google for an answer but nothing comes up for out of towners that are a flight away. Flights aren't cheap at all and don't want them to think they'd have to come or send something...

    Anyone have had to make a decision like this? 
    If you really care enough about someone that you don't want to invite them, then saying "We don't want you to feel like you have to come or give us a gift" actually is counterproductive and comes off as wishy-washy.  And any gifts are optional on their parts.  You are not entitled to expect gifts, and an invitation is not a demand for a gift.

    Either you want them to come or not.  If you really don't want them to come, don't invite them, but if you really do want them to come, then just invite them without assuming that either you or they will feel guilty about their declining or accepting.  If they choose to accept, then any burdens associated with their acceptance are theirs to bear.  If they choose to decline, no one need feel guilty.  The invitation is not a subpoena.
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  • renee_lynnrenee_lynn member
    Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Jen4948 said:
    renee_lynn said:
    I am trying to plan my engagement party, and have a large family. But my problem is my out of towners, they live in CA, FL, TX, & IL. Do they get an engagement invite too? I want them to get one because they are part of my family, but I don't want them to think I am expecting a gift from sending them an invitation. I've tried to search the internet via Google for an answer but nothing comes up for out of towners that are a flight away. Flights aren't cheap at all and don't want them to think they'd have to come or send something...

    Anyone have had to make a decision like this? 
    If you really care enough about someone that you don't want to invite them, then saying "We don't want you to feel like you have to come or give us a gift" actually is counterproductive and comes off as wishy-washy.  And any gifts are optional on their parts.  You are not entitled to expect gifts, and an invitation is not a demand for a gift.

    Either you want them to come or not.  If you really don't want them to come, don't invite them, but if you really do want them to come, then just invite them without assuming that either you or they will feel guilty about their declining or accepting.  If they choose to accept, then any burdens associated with their acceptance are theirs to bear.  If they choose to decline, no one need feel guilty.  The invitation is not a subpoena.
    It's not that I don't want them to come, I was just looking out for them money wise that was all. I was just looking for opinions if people had to do this before. 
    Thank you for your input. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    renee_lynn said:
    Jen4948 said:
    renee_lynn said:
    I am trying to plan my engagement party, and have a large family. But my problem is my out of towners, they live in CA, FL, TX, & IL. Do they get an engagement invite too? I want them to get one because they are part of my family, but I don't want them to think I am expecting a gift from sending them an invitation. I've tried to search the internet via Google for an answer but nothing comes up for out of towners that are a flight away. Flights aren't cheap at all and don't want them to think they'd have to come or send something...

    Anyone have had to make a decision like this? 
    If you really care enough about someone that you don't want to invite them, then saying "We don't want you to feel like you have to come or give us a gift" actually is counterproductive and comes off as wishy-washy.  And any gifts are optional on their parts.  You are not entitled to expect gifts, and an invitation is not a demand for a gift.

    Either you want them to come or not.  If you really don't want them to come, don't invite them, but if you really do want them to come, then just invite them without assuming that either you or they will feel guilty about their declining or accepting.  If they choose to accept, then any burdens associated with their acceptance are theirs to bear.  If they choose to decline, no one need feel guilty.  The invitation is not a subpoena.
    It's not that I don't want them to come, I was just looking out for them money wise that was all. I was just looking for opinions if people had to do this before. 
    Thank you for your input. 
    I realize that you want to be considerate of your guests-but whether or not they have to spend money or otherwise assume burdens to attend your wedding really isn't your concern.  If they can make it and want to come, they'll accept the invitation; if not, they'll decline.  I wouldn't worry about it further.
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