Grumble grumble *update

themuffinman16 · March 2014

Okay, I have spent the past few month stalking the etiquette boards to make sure I am doing everything right. Now, my FI (who knows very little of etiquette) thinks all of our guests should get plus ones. He has been talking to family members who said it is rude to not give EVERYONE a plus one, even if they are truly single. We are inviting people who have not been in any form of relationship (married, engaged, dating) for many years. FI thinks we should give everyone a plus one, because people will be offended if they are not treated like adults. I would honor a relationship if they were in one, no matter how soon they were dating, as long as it was before I have sent out the invites. You don't split up couples. However, we do not have the venue space for everyone to bring a plus one. They may not have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but they could invite a coworker, a friend, or a leprechaun, if they so choose. It would be ten times more rude not to have enough room for our guests who are invited than for people to bring just anyone to the wedding.... not to mention it would blow our budget to smithereens. Frustrated.

Simply Fated · March 2014

themuffinman16 said:

Okay, I have spent the past few month stalking the etiquette boards to make sure I am doing everything right. Now, my FI (who knows very little of etiquette) thinks all of our guests should get plus ones. He has been talking to family members who said it is rude to not give EVERYONE a plus one, even if they are truly single. We are inviting people who have not been in any form of relationship (married, engaged, dating) for many years. FI thinks we should give everyone a plus one, because people will be offended if they are not treated like adults. I would honor a relationship if they were in one, no matter how soon they were dating, as long as it was before I have sent out the invites. You don't split up couples. However, we do not have the venue space for everyone to bring a plus one. They may not have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but they could invite a coworker, a friend, or a leprechaun, if they so choose. It would be ten times more rude not to have enough room for our guests who are invited than for people to bring just anyone to the wedding.... not to mention it would blow our budget to smithereens. Frustrated.

While it is proper etiquette to invite people in a relationship with their significant other, I know quite a few people who feel that all adults should be invited with a plus 1/date, whether or not they're in a relationship. I'm guessing your future in-laws feel this way, too.

It would definitely be worse to not have enough space for everyone. That would also be super awkward.
If it's a fire code situation, you could definitely point that out.

However, you might want to consider the possibility that some of these people might end up in relationships by the time your wedding rolls around. Will you have the space to accomodate them? If not, you might want to rework your guest list. either way. Juuuust in case.

themuffinman16 · March 2014

His aunts have been single since I have been with FI (12 years), they mainly hang out with the family or their friends. Many people in his family have not dated since their divorces to their ex-husbands. If anybody will be in a new relationship, it will be only a few since our invitations will be going out in May. But we will, now, have to accommodate for 40 people's plus ones (That is how many truly single people there are). To me accommodating for a couple of extra people who are in new relationships is fine. Fi has all ready added 50 people on top of our original guest list. If this keeps up, we will either piss off a lot of people standing all night, or we won't be able to get a house, next year. I think being a good hostess to a few is far more important than being a bad hostess to many.

KittyKaty20 · March 2014

You do not have to extend "plus ones" to every single person. Just like inviting in circles, you can be selective here. When FI and I were looking at our list, we had about 20 people not in relationships/dating anyone special. We looked at the people on our list and ruled out the older singles/widows/widowers who have been to many similar events and not brought anyone. We did some research with closer relatives to find out if a few were truly single. That brought our list down to just five "plus ones". We have budgeted for 10 extra, though, in case there's a change in the next 2 months.

Side note: it's OK to be single at weddings...I met my FI at one where we didn't have dates.

phira · March 2014

I think the problem here isn't entirely that your fiance thinks everyone needs a plus one, but that he's increasing your guest list by a HUGE amount to the point where you can't afford to give everyone a plus one if you wanted to (and no, I don't think it's fair to spend every penny you have on the wedding. If you want to keep some of your money for a downpayment ... or, like, a medical emergency, that's kind of definitely acceptable).

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

That was something he should have thought of before you booked the venue and started planning.

You said he's already increased the guest list by 50, and now wants to add another 40 -- that's 90 people! Where are these people coming from??

And while I agree that it's nice to give truly single people plus-ones, it's not necessary. And think about what that will do to seating charts.

Two of DH's friends were truly single at our wedding. Had we invited theme with plus-ones, one of them and their date would have gotten to sit at a table with all their other friends and one of them would have been forced to sit at a table with people they didn't know.

Mitch617 · March 2014

themuffinman16 said:

Okay, I have spent the past few month stalking the etiquette boards to make sure I am doing everything right. Now, my FI (who knows very little of etiquette) thinks all of our guests should get plus ones. He has been talking to family members who said it is rude to not give EVERYONE a plus one, even if they are truly single. We are inviting people who have not been in any form of relationship (married, engaged, dating) for many years. FI thinks we should give everyone a plus one, because people will be offended if they are not treated like adults. I would honor a relationship if they were in one, no matter how soon they were dating, as long as it was before I have sent out the invites. You don't split up couples. However, we do not have the venue space for everyone to bring a plus one. They may not have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but they could invite a coworker, a friend, or a leprechaun, if they so choose. It would be ten times more rude not to have enough room for our guests who are invited than for people to bring just anyone to the wedding.... not to mention it would blow our budget to smithereens. Frustrated.

It would be pretty exciting if they chose to bring a leprechaun.

doeydo · March 2014

Mitch617 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Okay, I have spent the past few month stalking the etiquette boards to make sure I am doing everything right. Now, my FI (who knows very little of etiquette) thinks all of our guests should get plus ones. He has been talking to family members who said it is rude to not give EVERYONE a plus one, even if they are truly single. We are inviting people who have not been in any form of relationship (married, engaged, dating) for many years. FI thinks we should give everyone a plus one, because people will be offended if they are not treated like adults. I would honor a relationship if they were in one, no matter how soon they were dating, as long as it was before I have sent out the invites. You don't split up couples. However, we do not have the venue space for everyone to bring a plus one. They may not have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but they could invite a coworker, a friend, or a leprechaun, if they so choose. It would be ten times more rude not to have enough room for our guests who are invited than for people to bring just anyone to the wedding.... not to mention it would blow our budget to smithereens. Frustrated.

It would be pretty exciting if they chose to bring a leprechaun.

Or not

SJM7538 · March 2014

This is a sticky situation. You do not have to give every truly single guest a plus one however I agree with simply fated. You should leave SOME wiggle room in your guest list for people who end up in relationships by the time the invitations go out. I have 7 single counins invited to my wedding. My original guest list did not include them having plus ones. Well when it time to send out invitations 5 of those 7 cousins then had SOs.

themuffinman16 · March 2014

I am leaving wiggle room, for people in new relaionships, but I am not giving free reign to 40 people to bring a coworker, neighbor, or a friend. 40 is much different than 7. 40 is Budget shattering. Extra food and beverage and centerpieces, and favors. And this is just his family, he wants to extend plus ones to... not including anyone else who might start dating someone, and then their SO would have to be invited. I have accounted for people in new relationships, I have not accounted for 40 extra people on top of that.

mbross3 · March 2014

I agree that you do not need to offer every truly single person a plus one. It sounds like you have a good grasp of the concept of not splitting up couples, etc.

It sounds like a lot of your truly single guests are family of either you or FI (I saw aunts mentioned)? If that's the case, and if your venue/budget will not accommodate plus 1s for every single person, I would just consider if there are any single guest who might not know anyone else. If most of the single guests are family, then they know each other and will have people to talk to. While it's always nice to offer single guests a plus 1, most people understand that it's just not always feasible. However, if there are any guests who are truly single and who may not know anyone else at the wedding, I would consider giving these individuals a plus 1. Weddings are always more enjoyable when you have at least one other person who you know (aside from the bride/groom who may be too busy to hang out with you all night!). Just a thought.

eta spelling

melbenso · March 2014

Are there specific people he thinks should get plus ones? For example, is he worried about his aunts? If so, you could give plus ones in circles, i.e., truly single family members get plus ones, but truly single non-related guests do not.

TheGrimReaper · March 2014

We gave +1s to every single guest traveling. None of them are bringing anyone. I guess I just can't imagine anyone wanting to bring a random friend to a wedding that doesn't know anyone there.

OliveOilsMom · March 2014

Does Fi know how much this is stretching your budget and your potential house downpayment later?

themuffinman16 · March 2014

FI argues with me over what we have spent on a photographer, when that is what we budgeted. I never would have bought half the things I have for this wedding or chosen such an expensive venue if we were going to have a 190 person guest list from our original 100 that we agreed on. I would have scaled back on everything if I knew our guest list would keep rising. (Our venue is not too expensive at $65 a head, but multiplying that by 190 makes it ridiculous.)

It seems stupid to spend such a large amount on one day, when we have other things to afford in a year. Plus, I will be trying to get pregnant immediately after the wedding, because of my age and health conditions. It is FIs money (it is mine too, because we share everything, but he is the breadwinner out of the two of us.) He knows what he has in savings, and he must know to spend an extra $3,500 on top of the extra $3,500 we have added to our budget is taking money away from our future. His aunts have plenty of friends/ roommates, who know the family, and go to a lot of family events. But these are fourth of july parties, birthdays etc. You cannot expect everyone to be able to be invited to a wedding, because only two people are paying for ours,... me and my fiance. I have invited everyone we can afford to invite and left room for a couple of changes.

I am giving plus ones to out of towners that will know no one, and one for his sister who is bringing her best friend (she is a bridesmaid), and a plus one for the officiant. I think she is divorced, but will know no one else at the wedding). I have invited two family members for both of our sisters (in the wedding party) so they can have someone to watch their babies. I wanted them to enjoy themselves, and not leave the property to pump, or take care of their baby if the baby needs mom.

I feel like I have made plenty of allowances to be a gracious host, ... but where does it end? I know that probably sounds ungrateful, but I have been very accommodating, and it just seems like it is never enough.

APDSS22 · March 2014

I would definitely talk to him about the financial side. Do a break down of every single cost that will be increased by adding those plus ones. Extra tables, extra food, extra centerpieces, extra linens, even postage for the extra invites and response cards. Finding a new venue (and possibly losing a deposit) because you mentioned you would be above fire code with the additions. It's okay to not give truly single guests a plus one. Also, it is not necessary to do something just because your family or his family or all your friends do it/are doing it/have done it. Definitely mention that if you add these plus ones to your budget you will have to put off a house down payment. Having wiggle room in your budget is good, putting all your money down on a wedding reception is not.

thisismynickname2 · March 2014

I hate to say it but it sounds like you just know too many single people.

The vast majority of our friends are coupled up. In our very original planning, we planned for twos. When the summer comes (Sept. wedding), I'll check back in with my 3 perpetually-single friends and see if they have a special someone and if they want to bring someone. I am budgeting them to bring someone, but if they tell me they are happy to come alone, I plan to invite just them. That will leave space for extended family and avoid blatant B-listing. (No way in hell am I doing two sets of invitations- holy rudeness.)

This may be bad advice, others may correct me. But, with a budgeted goal of 80 guests, I want to provide the accommodation of plus-1's while still making sure every VIP and "nice to have" gets a seat as well, and maintain having a more intimate wedding. I think this will work for us.

happymellow · March 2014

I've included "and guests" for everyone over the age of 18. That's how I was brought up. In the past, a lot of my friends talked about who they would bring as an "and guest." Personally, I didn't find this odd as our social circle always does "and guests" for everyone. I've attended many weddings alone whether or not I was given an "and guest" on the invite. Most single people on my guest list are coming alone, but two will probably bring an "and guest." One, because he hates being single, and the other because I grew up with her and her family. She's bringing her mom whom I know very well.

cowgirl8238 · March 2014

Personally, I just gave everyone a plus one. It was way easier for us to plan on a "full house" (venue still has a capicity double out highest count) with every guest and then if people don't add a guest, so be it.

In your situation I would tell your FI enough is enough. Point out all the expenses and re-evaulate your guest list. Going into debt over a wedding is never advised, and the money you have for a house should remain moeny for your house. Also I don't think anyone has asked yet but did you send out STD's??? If you did you can't go back on them as STD=Invite. Same thing if you filled them out with "and guest". You can't just take away a guest if you said they would get one.

grumbledore · March 2014

themuffinman16 said:

I am leaving wiggle room, for people in new relaionships, but I am not giving free reign to 40 people to bring a coworker, neighbor, or a friend. 40 is much different than 7. 40 is Budget shattering. Extra food and beverage and centerpieces, and favors. And this is just his family, he wants to extend plus ones to... not including anyone else who might start dating someone, and then their SO would have to be invited. I have accounted for people in new relationships, I have not accounted for 40 extra people on top of that.

The thing is, your FI wants to do this, so he's the one you need to convince. Point out the additional cost and see what he wants to do. When we made our guest list, we gave every single guest a +1 so we wouldn't be shocked. I'd advise any lurkers to do the same as that is your real maximum guest list.

themuffinman16 · March 2014

We have not sent STDs yet. We have only told close family members the date and time, that we would definitely never cut from the list

grumbledore · March 2014

Addendum to last post: we have every truly single guest a plus one on our list - we haven't sent invites yet so I can't guarantee they will get a plus one if still single when we do (although that is presently our intention) - but we included them for the purpose of getting the largest possible number so there were no surprises.

cowgirl8238 · March 2014

themuffinman16 said:

We have not sent STDs yet. We have only told close family members the date and time, that we would definitely never cut from the list

Good, then you haven't to worry if you do pair down the list. Honestly I would start over with your list and give everyone a plus one from the start. Once you hit your max you'll know when your done. It really sucks that you have to cut a lot of people, but maybe doing this will help your FI realize how big of an impact his guest adding has.

singinchick13 · March 2014

We have chosen to give every single guest a plus-one. This is a personal preference and our guest list is not too large on its own, we just believe that it would make people feel more comfortable to bring a date in some cases. That being said, we know for a fact that many of those people will not bring a date if they are not in a relationship, but we are extending the courtesy nonetheless.

You absolutely do not have to do this, but your FI does seem to feel quite strongly about it. When you look at your headcount, of course you have to plan to accommodate all that were invited, however, it is very likely many of these people will not bring a guest even if the option is available. Should your venue truly not fit all of these people then no, you absolutely cannot extend all these extra plus-ones unless you plan to cut guests elsewhere. However, I would suggest having a serious talk with your FI if there is a possibility of accommodating all these people and he feels comfortable making the investment. Compromise is key here, there must be a middle ground the two of you can both agree to.

sofakingmad · March 2014

My personal take on +1s is this:

If you have a bunch of single friends who are all close friends with each other, I see no need to necessarily give +1s because they have other people to carpool, hang, chat, drink, dance, party with.

If you have a friend who is single and might not know anyone besides the B&G, then extending them a +1 is a nice courtesy for their comfort so that they have someone to hang out with.

indianaalum · March 2014

If you truly have no space, skip it.

But personally, I am on the "if you can afford it and have space, give everyone a plus one" because I have definitely been to my share of weddings during my single life, and I HATED having to go alone.

The only people who will bring a PLUS one are the ones who probably don't comfortable going alone, so why not make them feel more comfortable, if you can afford it.

Again, if you are capacity, don't do it, but if ou aren't, it is a nice gesture

p.s. I invited everyone with a PLUS ONE, and I only had 1 person actually brings someone...Although it COULD happen (and you should make sure you can afford it), it likely will not happen that all 40 will bring someone random

indianaalum · March 2014

grumbledore said:

Addendum to last post: we have every truly single guest a plus one on our list - we haven't sent invites yet so I can't guarantee they will get a plus one if still single when we do (although that is presently our intention) - but we included them for the purpose of getting the largest possible number so there were no surprises.

Just an FYI for you. Hope this makes sense:

I gave everyone a plus one, as well. In the end, Very few brought them, and my numbers dropped fast when these "invisible" people suddenly weren't coming. For example, my cousins all declined, so that was 6 people off my guest list vs 3. It felt like a big hit when numbers dropped that fast.

In the end, we started to freak otu because it felt we had alot of people declining and we were getting close to our "minimums" for our venue. When computing guests lists with plus ones, think about what could happen if none of them brought someone and/or they decline themselvs.

For example, I invited 175 people and ended up with 100 people. I felt horrible, but then realized some of that nnumber were "plus ones" that never truly exited in the first place

themuffinman16 · March 2014

I find it hard when people tell me compromise is key. I have compromised, and then some. We went from 100 to 150 without blinking an eye. I think that is a HUGE compromise. I only have 26 guests. But, we had agreed to only have plus ones for people if they were out-of-towners, did not know anybody else, or were in the wedding party.

I have just ordered the invitations, and now the game is changing all over again. It is extremely frustrating. Had we talked about inviting all plus ones from the beginning, I could have scaled back in other departments. I just don't think his aunt needs to bring her ex-roommate. I don't think this guy would be hurt, or another guest's neighbor or coworker, or friend. I would completely understand not being invited if I were the neighbor and close friend to the invitee, but not the couple.

Weddings cost money. It is unfortunate, but we just can't afford to invite 40 extra people. They might not all show up, but we would have to have it in our budget if they did. We could do it, but we would have to wait on a house for another year. It seems idiotic to do that for a party. If I were a guest as long as I wasn't invited without my FI, I would not be upset to go alone if I weren't in a relationship... especially when I knew everyone else there.

phira · March 2014

Honestly, it sounds like the problem here isn't that the OP needs help figuring out who should get plus 1s. It sounds like her fiance has decided they have to invite 40 MORE people and EVERYONE must have a plus 1. Which is why I think this is a fiance problem, not a plus 1 problem.

grumbledore · March 2014

themuffinman16 said:

I find it hard when people tell me compromise is key. I have compromised, and then some. We went from 100 to 150 without blinking an eye. I think that is a HUGE compromise. I only have 26 guests. But, we had agreed to only have plus ones for people if they were out-of-towners, did not know anybody else, or were in the wedding party.
I have just ordered the invitations, and now the game is changing all over again. It is extremely frustrating. Had we talked about inviting all plus ones from the beginning, I could have scaled back in other departments. I just don't think his aunt needs to bring her ex-roommate. I don't think this guy would be hurt, or another guest's neighbor or coworker, or friend. I would completely understand not being invited if I were the neighbor and close friend to the invitee, but not the couple.
Weddings cost money. It is unfortunate, but we just can't afford to invite 40 extra people. They might not all show up, but we would have to have it in our budget if they did. We could do it, but we would have to wait on a house for another year. It seems idiotic to do that for a party. If I were a guest as long as I wasn't invited without my FI, I would not be upset to go alone if I weren't in a relationship... especially when I knew everyone else there.

If you can't afford it, then he needs to put on his big boy pants and understand that. You have an FI problem here - if he can't see that the numbers don't add up, he is being ridiculous.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

If you are inviting 40 plus 1, than that is over 20% of your guest list (190 people). I think that is a little extreme, especially when you add in the information that your original guest list was 100 people. I know some people give +1 to all single guests, and that's fine, but it's not required. We are giving +1 to our single friends and family except for widows or widowers. But the majority of our friends are married or in a relationship, so we have only 7 plus ones. If we were getting married 10 years ago we probably would not be giving plus ones because most of our friends would be single (and we'd have way less money). I agree with PP you have a fiance problem, not a +1 problem.

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