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Wedding Woes
2Have&2Hold2015
member
Engagement Party Ruined by Fiance. Sad, Disheartened, Confused. HELP!
in Wedding Woes
My fiance and I have been engaged since December of 2013, but have been together for 6 years and 11 months. He comes from a very damaged family. To summarize, 10 years ago, his father suffered a traumatic brain injury (which later led to seizures) but he has since recovered and lives a normal lifestyle. As a result of the injury, his father and mother had grown apart and endured a marriage filled with cheating, verbal altercations, and long term absence from the children. His younger sister was sexually abused by a female neighbor around the age of 9, and later suffered an eating disorder in the forms of anorexia and bulimia. His mother suffers from undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, alcohol addiction, and depression. Somehow, my fiance has managed to rise from all of this as an incredibly intelligent and loving man, who cares for me a great deal.
That being said, he falls short in loving me in a lot of ways. He fails to communicate effectively (discussions are often one sided and marked by his silence). He falls short in trying to make me feel special (holidays are commemmorated with measly, late gifts... or forgotten altogether). He has become antisocial (refusing to meet up with friends), and more. Whenever we discuss these issues, he promises that he loves me dearly (which I believe), but simply does not know how to express it due to his traumatic upbringing. Please understand that I sympathize with this, and have spent the last 7 years of our relationship working tirelessly to meet his needs, encourage him, make him feel wanted, needed, and loved. As far as he says, I have succeeded. However, in the end, I find that I greatly suffer.
The most recent issue is our engagement party. My parents have shelled out $5,500 to host a beautiful party at a nearby hotel, and have invited all of our close family members and friends. Please note that I asked my fiance on MULTIPLE occasions about the party (where would he like it? who did he want to invite? what did he want to eat/drink? did he want to purchase gifts for his groomsmen? Everything!). Now that the party has been booked, invitations have been ordered, gifts have been coordinated, family members and friends have been put on alert... he tells me that he wants to CANCEL because he HATES his family! My heart is broken, and I can't help but feel sad and discouraged. Why couldn't he tell me sooner? I value his opinion and worked tirelessly to ensure that every detail of the party met his wishes. I am heartbroken.
So my question is... are my feelings of sadness selfish? Should I cancel and save my parent's money? Do I proceed with the party because people are expecting it? and most importantly... Should I feel comfortable marrying someone that has the potential to ruin such a happy occasion? PLEASE HELP!
That being said, he falls short in loving me in a lot of ways. He fails to communicate effectively (discussions are often one sided and marked by his silence). He falls short in trying to make me feel special (holidays are commemmorated with measly, late gifts... or forgotten altogether). He has become antisocial (refusing to meet up with friends), and more. Whenever we discuss these issues, he promises that he loves me dearly (which I believe), but simply does not know how to express it due to his traumatic upbringing. Please understand that I sympathize with this, and have spent the last 7 years of our relationship working tirelessly to meet his needs, encourage him, make him feel wanted, needed, and loved. As far as he says, I have succeeded. However, in the end, I find that I greatly suffer.
The most recent issue is our engagement party. My parents have shelled out $5,500 to host a beautiful party at a nearby hotel, and have invited all of our close family members and friends. Please note that I asked my fiance on MULTIPLE occasions about the party (where would he like it? who did he want to invite? what did he want to eat/drink? did he want to purchase gifts for his groomsmen? Everything!). Now that the party has been booked, invitations have been ordered, gifts have been coordinated, family members and friends have been put on alert... he tells me that he wants to CANCEL because he HATES his family! My heart is broken, and I can't help but feel sad and discouraged. Why couldn't he tell me sooner? I value his opinion and worked tirelessly to ensure that every detail of the party met his wishes. I am heartbroken.
So my question is... are my feelings of sadness selfish? Should I cancel and save my parent's money? Do I proceed with the party because people are expecting it? and most importantly... Should I feel comfortable marrying someone that has the potential to ruin such a happy occasion? PLEASE HELP!
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Re: Engagement Party Ruined by Fiance. Sad, Disheartened, Confused. HELP!
The way he is treating you IS NOT OK. Like at all.
My DH also came from a traumatic upbringing and he's never pulled any of the shit you're talking about your FI doing.
Find a counsellor, stat. Think about postponing the wedding.
I think that you need to cancel the party and postpone the wedding. You guys have way too many issues to move forward with all of this right now. Your fiance needs solo counseling and you guys need joint counseling to begin to work on your communication issues. I feel bad for him because part of him obviously wants to make you happy by agreeing to something that you wanted to do, but when the time grew closer for the party, he panicked and took back what he'd said before. He must be dealing with a lot of inner turmoil that has been worsened by massive upcoming social events where he's likely concerned that his family members are going to embarrass him in front of your family and friends who haven't met them before.
And as someone who has a sister with recurring anorexia/bulemia, I really truly hope that his sister has received good counseling and medical care for her PTSD and eating disorder. Eating disorders are so destructive and hard to treat.
Also, more of an fyi the-more-you-know thing, medically, 'antisocial' is used for people with deviating personalities who are hostile and harmful to others. If it's someone who just doesn't want to be around others for myriad reasons, it's best to use 'unsocial' or (if it's pretty severe) 'nonsocial'.
Good luck.
You know, love as a feeling isn't inherently valuable to anyone other than the person feeling it. It becomes valuable to the person who is loved because that feeling motivates and inspires loving acts toward that person. If someone feels love for you and gets to enjoy all those warm squishies, but that doesn't inspire him to act out all of those feelings toward you, then he has already gotten enough reward for that love. You owe him nothing, because he has given you nothing.
This man is not an 'incredibly intelligent and loving' man. He is deeply hurt, troubled, and depressed at best, and suffering from a personality disorder and/or mental illness at worst. He needs a lot of help, professional help. You've worked very hard for him, but what has he worked hard for for YOU? What are you getting in return other than noncommunication and non-presence in your life? He doesn't give you gifts or acknowledge special days at all, he stonewalls you, he doesn't participate in either of your family lives (although it's to be understood about his family)...where is the fun, the good times?
A man who 'loves you dearly' would be at least attempting to fix his problems, not ordering you to live with it because that's just who he is.
I think your FMIL is trying to do you a favor.
Ps. To anyone who wants to know, we've scheduled our first counseling session.
The night after I saw some of these posts, my fiance and I decided to meet up with his father. We discussed their past family issues and came to the conclusion that all of us would see a psychologist. We have an appointment this Wednesday. My fiance needs to tackle many of his family issues before he can have a healthy marriage and family... we all understand that and have agreed to help him through. Many of his communication issues stem from his family problems. During our meeting with his father, my fiance let us know that he has trouble communicating problems because his parents mis-handled troublesome situations when he was little, and no one ever considered his feelings. He cried, and thanked me for 'giving him a voice'. He let us know that I am the only person that has ever loved him completely, and that he will do whatever it takes to see me feel the same. He just needs to learn new skills, because no one else has ever done it for him. This does not make my fiance disposable, and worthy of leaving behind. To anyone who simply advised that I break it off without offering helpful advice, you are a heartless woman and I will pray for your significant other and future children.
Also, I have alerted my family to our issues, and they have agreed to lend a helping hand with whatever we need. We are all family, and care for one another enough to help, not just dispose of a person who is very worthy of the love and care that he never received.
As for the wedding, there is no date set, and we are going to take our time with planning the event. My fiance's health, and the health of our relationship matters way more than any party. To those of you who alluded to that issue, you are all most certainly right, and I thank you for your insight. Many of you gave wonderful advice, and I am so glad to have heard from you!
As for the rest of you who spew stupidity and negativity, I guess someone in the world has to be a disgruntled diner waitress.
I guess someone in the world has to be a disgruntled diner waitress.
That's a first.
Sorry to hear!