NWR-Hurt feelings

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I'm sorry! That just really frustrates me. I don't have step-parents (my parents are still happily married), but the idea that biology and genetics alone determine parenthood just infuriates me.

I think, in part, it's because DH's parents firmly believe that he owes them respect and special treatment because they're 'his parents and we're family' when they were HORRIBLE to him, abusive and awful, and he's cut them out of his/our lives.

I'm sure I'm projecting here, but DH's grandmother behaves a lot like this Team Mom is behaving -- assuming that biology matters. She is (or was, since we don't currently have a relationship with her, although she wants to go out to dinner on Saturday) F.O.R.E.V.E.R. pushing DH to have a relationship with his father (her son) because 'he's your father and he's family.' (She's totally OK with him ignoring his biological mother, though).

No matter how many times DH says, 'No, I'm not letting them into my life because of how they behaved,' she says, 'But he's family and he's your father and he deserves to be involved.'

NO. Biology and genetics don't make a family anymore than lack of biology and lack of genetics deny a family. That is not how this works.

Oh, great, now I'M all fired up, too!

afox007 · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 sounds like we see this the same way. My stepdad has been my daddy since I was 4 and my biodad has been lovingly referred to by me as my sperm donor. Yes, biodad and I share DNA, but at the end of the day my dad was the one who took care of me when I was sick, chaperoned field trips, and (TMI) was the one who had to deal with my first period. I think all that is part of why this situation (and the one with my mom) have me so damn resentful right now.

I think you and I both need some wine

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

@afox007, I think we both do!

And yeah, we do see this the same way. I'm very blessed that my parents are still together and that I have a great relationship with them both, and I realise that.

I can see how your mother's comments would be especially hurtful -- she could marry someone else and bring HIM into YOUR life, allowing him to raise you and make decisions and be a parent, but you can't do the same thing?

Really? Hypocritical much?

afox007 · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

@afox007, I think we both do!

And yeah, we do see this the same way. I'm very blessed that my parents are still together and that I have a great relationship with them both, and I realise that.

I can see how your mother's comments would be especially hurtful -- she could marry someone else and bring HIM into YOUR life, allowing him to raise you and make decisions and be a parent, but you can't do the same thing?

Really? Hypocritical much?

I was actually talking to DS's friend's stepmom about the bolded a few weeks ago. She's gotten a lot of the same attitude from other moms that I have been getting. She also noticed that the stepdads that she knows are viewed way different. They end up being praised for how selflessly they are stepping in.

I think it comes down to the assumption that dads walk out on their kids, but moms don't. If a woman steps in and takes care of a kid she's stepping on the biomom's toes, but if a guy does it he's apparently a hero.

phira · March 2014

I definitely think there's a double-standard, where stepdads are viewed as loving heroes because men aren't supposed to be caregivers, and stepmoms are viewed as competing with children for dad's affection. It's so annoying and unfair.

Also? I think Team Mom needs to get checked for a major case of the Stupids.

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

afox007 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

@afox007, I think we both do!

And yeah, we do see this the same way. I'm very blessed that my parents are still together and that I have a great relationship with them both, and I realise that.

I can see how your mother's comments would be especially hurtful -- she could marry someone else and bring HIM into YOUR life, allowing him to raise you and make decisions and be a parent, but you can't do the same thing?

Really? Hypocritical much?

I was actually talking to DS's friend's stepmom about the bolded a few weeks ago. She's gotten a lot of the same attitude from other moms that I have been getting. She also noticed that the stepdads that she knows are viewed way different. They end up being praised for how selflessly they are stepping in.

I think it comes down to the assumption that dads walk out on their kids, but moms don't. If a woman steps in and takes care of a kid she's stepping on the biomom's toes, but if a guy does it he's apparently a hero.

terrible assumption, but good assessment. people should stop making these assumptions

princessleia22 · March 2014

That's just so, so awful. People need to realize that not all bio-parents are, or should be, involved in their kids lives. Families today come in all varieties. If you adopted a kid, that doesn't make you any less of a parent. If you see and treat the kid as your own, you are their parent. Sometimes that means that a kid has 2 non-bio parents, sometimes they have 3 or 4 parents. Sometimes the dad isn't involved, sometimes the mom that isn't involved. It could be just 2 moms or 2 dads. The mom could have just been a surrogate. Dad could have been sperm donor. It doesn't matter who bio-parents are, as long as the kid has someone who is there for them and loves them... those people are the true parents.

My 6-year old niece hasn't seen her bio-dad since she was about a year old. Last time he had visitation (supposedly supervised by his parents), he took her to a crack house while he bought heroin! My sister has full custody and has court order that bio-dad isn't allowed any contact. My niece's parental system consists of mom, grandma, and grandpa, who are all involved in her life on a daily basis. Sister is now engaged so niece now has future step-dad. It would be horrible if someone were to demand to send bio-dad info of her schedule. Not all bio-parents need to be, want to be, or should be involved or notified of the kids life. If the parent that has full custody says there is no need to contact bio-mom, then that's the way it should be. Parent with custody is the one that should make those decisions. If FI told her no, she needs to drop it.

chibiyui · March 2014

I think everybody in this thread deserves some wine.

Except Team Mom. Fuck you, Team Mom.

afox007 · March 2014

chibiyui Thank you for the wine!

MrsMack10612 · March 2014

A little late, but my dad pulled the same "Family is family" crap just before my wedding. I chose not to invite his children from his second marriage for several reasons, not the least of which is I don't know them. They range in age from (I think) 25-30ish. He got all butt hurt that I wasn't inviting them claiming that they are his, as well as my family.

Um, no. Blood does not make you family. These people are virtual strangers to me. I was never invited for a holiday meal, a birthday party, a graduation party or a t-ball game. Just because you've decided in our adult years that we should start cultivating some kind of relationship doesn't make it so.

Cokezerofreak · March 2014

My brother's nephew by marriage lives with his mom but is not a very good one. We (aunt and I) have been the ones that have made sure he's doing what kids need to do like little league. We never once had anyone judge us on not being the parent. I am so sorry you went through this but so grateful that you have a FI that sticks up for you.

Team Mom needs to get fired from her position for a classless judgmental bitch.

afox007 · March 2014

Cokezerofreak said:

My brother's nephew by marriage lives with his mom but is not a very good one. We (aunt and I) have been the ones that have made sure he's doing what kids need to do like little league. We never once had anyone judge us on not being the parent. I am so sorry you went through this but so grateful that you have a FI that sticks up for you.

Team Mom needs to get fired from her position for a classless judgmental bitch.

I agree completely! The sad thing is this is the second year I have volunteered to be the team mom and the second year that baseball politics gave all the coaches wive's first dibs.

Cokezerofreak · March 2014

I wonder why they get first dibs. I'd think they had enough to do with the coach being a coach. We spread the love around. There were grandmas, aunts, moms, steps, etc. It's probably a status thing instead of what's good for the kids.

jdluvr06 · March 2014

Ugh! This woman pisses me off sooo much! She reminds me of this bitch teacher my cousin had to deal with last year. My cousin and his wife (who I consider a cousin, love her to death) adopted two boys from the Ukraine about five years ago and last year this teacher asked if they ever had any contact with their "real" parents. My cousin said that they are the boy's real parents. I think they pulled their son out of the class too.

MadHops21 · March 2014

afox007 I like your FI. He's a keeper.

afox007 · March 2014

jdluvr06 said:
Ugh! This woman pisses me off sooo much! She reminds me of this bitch teacher my cousin had to deal with last year. My cousin and his wife (who I consider a cousin, love her to death) adopted two boys from the Ukraine about five years ago and last year this teacher asked if they ever had any contact with their "real" parents. My cousin said that they are the boy's real parents. I think they pulled their son out of the class too.

Seriously?! I think I may be more pissed at this teacher she should have been fired!

erinlin25 · March 2014

wow that is so rude of her. Unless bio mom contacted her specifically to be included she needs to just calm down and list dad and step mom like you guys requested. So weird that she would be so resistant!

I use to coach cheerleading and had an issue for years with a mom and step mom. Bio mom and dad had shared custody, and the divorce came from dad cheated on bio mom and is now married to "his mistress." Bio mom has never accepted the fact that step mom was in the picture and every year she would request step mom not be on the email list. I had to constantly tell her that I had to include her for 1) bio dad requested it and 2) step mom was the one dropping the girls off, making their share of the payments, etc. The fact that bio mom just did not like the woman always made it so messy and I was always in the middle! It sucked. But regardless of her feelings, step mom had every right to be on the email list! She was a parent and just as much responsible and involved as bio mom and dad. I felt so bad for the girls too. The affair happened years ago (I used to teach these girls dance way back when too so I remember when the whole thing went down...not pretty!). And years later it was still such a sore subject. Blah, I loved bio mom she really was a nice and supportive mom of our team, but wow, it was so awkward with how resistant she was. I had both daughters on the team so we had that convo for about 6 years!

Cookie Pusher · March 2014

My parents divorced when I was 8. My mother got remarried when I was 11, and my father got remarried sometime while I was in high school (I honestly have no idea when since I was never actually informed he got married, I just figured it out when I was 18 and my half-brother was born). I had a forced, court-mandated relationship with my biological father until I was 18, but always tried to at least be respectful of him even though I hated his guts. My step-father has, from the moment he entered our lives (as in, before he married my mom) been my dad. He was the one who came to concerts and school plays, called poison control when I accidentally took the wrong cold medicine as a kid, taught me how to work on cars/sing harmony/be awesome where my bio father never wanted to be involved in our lives any more than he had to be. My bio father is an ignorant, abuse jackass and I have chosen not to have a relationship with him as an adult.

When my dad died in 2001, his family sued us to get his estate since they were his "family" and we weren't (including my half-sister, which boggles my mind). We were already reeling from the loss, but to be told that despite over a decade of living together and him being my dad, we were nothing (don't even get me started on the racial bullshit they spouted about us)... well, it took every bit of self control I had not to murder these fuckers. My dad was surely rolling over in his grave over this.

Anyone who pulls the biology and "family is family" bullshit is, IMO, an asshole.

wandajune6 · March 2014

Wow. FI has a 15 year old son (15 as of today!) who lives with us. He's got pretty serious learning issues so FI pulled me into school stuff as soon as we got serious (I've had a lot more academic experience). We still tell bio-mom about school stuff but we know she won't attend (her idea of dealing with school problems is to tell him that school isn't important).

The first time I went to school, I corrected his counselor when she called me his mom. She gave me a mini-hug and told me how lucky he was to have even more adults who love him and want him to succeed.

And that's how it should be done. Shame on TM!

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