Future MIL problems

Cole&Kailee · June 2012

Hey fellow brides/brides-to-be:

I have a couple of issues I'd like some advice on. I have a very opinionated, controlling future MIL. She expects to get her way a lot AND is stingy.

Most of our wedding finances have been settled by my fiance, me and my parents, but his parents aren't offering a dime to help out. WORSE YET--they are demanding open bar, more guests and more this and that. We can't even afford a honeymoon.

I've sent her hints and my fiance even talked with her about things, but won't budge. Now we're close to our wedding date (2 months) and we're stuck with a 2,000 bill we're struggling to pay for. HELP?!

Also--I know this is a wedding post, but also ties along with kids. To make a long story short, my fiance's little brother died when he was 3 suddenly and terribly and they were very close. It was a shock to the whole family and is still painful to bring up his name today. She wants our first born boy to be named "that name" in honor of him. My fiance and I said maybe middle name because the hurt is still too strong to bare to hear every day and she is not satisfied.

I'm struggling with this woman and getting her way. Advice?

zitiqueen · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c1c339c-2e7e-479c-bfd3-8cb500c388cfPost:2977b7cc-28a7-42cc-b7fe-1ca7134d968d">Future MIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey fellow brides/brides-to-be: I have a couple of issues I'd like some advice on. I have a very opinionated, controlling future MIL. She expects to get her way a lot AND is stingy. Most of our wedding finances have been settled by my fiance, me and my parents, but his parents aren't offering a dime to help out. WORSE YET--<strong>they are demanding open bar,</strong> more guests and more decorations. I've sent her hints and my fiance even talked with her about things, but won't budge. Now we're close to our wedding date (2 months) and we're stuck with a 2,000 bill we're struggling to pay for. HELP?! Also--I know this is a wedding post, but also ties along with kids. To make a long story short, my fiance's little brother died when he was 3 suddenly and terribly and they were very close. It was a shock to the whole family and is still painful to bring up his name today. She wants our first born boy to be named "that name" in honor of him. My fiance and I said maybe middle name because the hurt is still too strong to bare to hear every day and she is not satisfied. I'm struggling with this woman and getting her way. Advice?
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

I'm with her on the open bar. You aren't actually considering charging your guests for drinks, are you?

As for everything else, your FI is the one who needs to put his foot down and deal with her.

HockeyFan4 · June 2012

Firstly, they don't have to pay anything. You shouldn't expect it, nor hold a grudge for them not offering money.

Secondly, Etiquette dictates that you should host your guests. So if you are having a bar, it should be hosted.

Finally, they will get over the name. I have a friend who's H's father had passed away when he was younger. The mom wanted him to give the son the dad's name. They said "maybe the middle name" and the MIL and SIL said "we will just call him by the father's name"....so ya..the baby doesn't have the late FIL's name....they got over it.

mari0225 · June 2012

First I agree about the open bar.

Second, your FI needs to be the one to deal with his mother not you.

aurianna · June 2012

What were you planning to do besides open bar?
Call your venue and ask if you can switch it to just beer and wine. Don't tell her; it isn't really her business. If she gets bent out of shape on the day, tough.

If you haven't sent out the invites yet, tell her you can only give her X-number of guests and tell her to trim her list. If she isn't paying, then tough.

If she isn't paying, she does not get to make these decisions. So the way you handle it is do what you want and try to avoid wedding topics with her.

chelseamb11 · June 2012

It sounds like your FI hasn't been as firm with her as he should be. Back when she started adding stuff, you should have put your foot down and said a flat no. It's not like she can FORCE you to do anything with your wedding. At this point it sounds like it's too late.

As for the name, every time she brings it up, just chaneg the subject. You're not even pregnant and she's naming your kids. That's messed up.

mari0225 · June 2012

Also, she will get over the name, she cannot dictate what your child's name should be.

willywally5 · June 2012

Holy cow. She sounds like a real gem.

First of all, if she isn't paying for it. she doesn't get her way. In no way, shape or form should anyone expect anybody else to go into debt for a wedding of any size.

If the $2K overage is something that can be cancelled or returned, do so.

You and your FI need to lay some boundaries with this woman RIGHT NOW, or she will rule your lives forever. Cut back on what's available at the bar (ie serving beer and wine only or kegs or whatever, athough you can't ask guests to pay for their drinks); cut back on ANYTHING you can. THIS ISN'T HER PARTY! If she insists, she can open her wallet.

You and your FI get to name your children. You might not ever even have a boy! For all you know, you may never even have children (although I sincerely hope this is not the case if you want them!) There is no way you should be expected to allow someone else to name your child, particularly if every time you utter that child's name it will bring up painful issues. Clearly, IMHO, she has yet to come to some sort of acceptance about her deceased son. You can't replace him with a male grandchild, even if he is named the same name.

Cole&Kailee · June 2012

We have decided to do unlimited wine, beer and soda which is (I think) MORE than accomadating, especially since around here, no one throws extravagent $50,000 weddings and the dinner is $25 a head. So they are getting a free (good quality) meal and unlimited beer/wine. The mixed drinks they can pay for themsleves.

She just isn't satisfied and also has a comeback for everything I do. Guests, food, invites, engagement pics, kids, kids names! ugh!

mari0225 · June 2012

Then I think that you're already doing you can. Stop talking about the wedding with her and have FI get firm with her. You and your FI are hosting what you can afford, you cannot do more than that.

willywally5 · June 2012

Sounds like you can't cut back any more on the bar (and I'd re-think even having hard liquor available because it is rude to ask/expect your guests to pay)

Is there ANYTHING else you can cut back? Have invites gone out already? Or STDs?

RebeccaB88 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c1c339c-2e7e-479c-bfd3-8cb500c388cfPost:ca07cd29-eced-428e-9c57-b6c2d6ed8744">Re: Future MIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]She just isn't satisfied and also has a comeback for everything I do. Guests, food, invites, engagement pics, kids, kids names! ugh! :(
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

Stop telling her things. I mean, EVERYTHING. You tell her nothing unless you want her opinion. She can find out what you do when it's over and done with. If she can't be trusted with information, don't give her any.

How does your FI normally deal with her? Does he give in easily, does he put up a halfhearted fight before he caves,? Is he good about standing up and not giving in? Does he and the rest of the family walk on eggshells around her, and give her what she wants just to get her to shut up?
If your answer is anything other than 'he doesn't let her get away with anything', then you don't have a MIL problem as much as a FI problem. If he constantly caters to her just to prevent a tantrum, then you'd better get out of that as fast as you can or you will regret it forever.

pokepoke27 · June 2012

Where did my post go? Oh well, I pretty much said what everyone else said.

Also, Liatris has an excellent point.

Cole&Kailee · June 2012

Invites go out in 4 days and we skipped STD's. We've gotten family friends to DJ, be the officiant and be our photographer/videographer. I knew weddings were expensive, but jeesh. We JUST bought a house as well so we're a little tied up with that and my parents have graciously helped us out with about half of the bill. We've paid most everything else by ourselves.

I don't expect FH parent's to pay, but they did offer to help out in the early stages and then slowly stopped avoiding the subject. To put it nicely, my FI is not the "favorite" child. He doesn't get the free groceries, free shopping trips, free vacations and free out to eat dinners like his sister gets--and it's frusterating.

We're struggling to afford a wedding. A WEDDING. A once in a lifetime occurance, while his sister gets her nails, hair, makeup, prom dress shoes and pictures for senior prom etc paid for free courtesy of MIL. On top of a free trip to Cancun, free clothes, free gas etc...and she even works. They call her "princess" and she gets whatever she wants while he is forced to pay for family outings or family vacations etc.

Just not right. I don't want there to be hard feelings between us, but I don't see what it is about him that she won't help out his first and only wedding!

mari0225 · June 2012

I don't think it's fair but a lot of parents feel different about sons and daughters. I would just try to ignore it, they aren't going to change at this point.

baystateapple · June 2012

Some people (I'm not saying this is fair) are very traditional in the "bride's family pays" mentality. Perhaps that is the case with your ILs.

In any event, it doesn't look like they're going to pitch in, so try to swallow your ill feelings and have the wedding you can afford.

pokepoke27 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c1c339c-2e7e-479c-bfd3-8cb500c388cfPost:eb6f81b3-ce2f-4cb7-8873-4d16216df489">Re: Future MIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]Invites go out in 4 days and we skipped STD's. We've gotten family friends to DJ, be the officiant and be our photographer/videographer. I knew weddings were expensive, but jeesh. We JUST bought a house as well so we're a little tied up with that and my parents have graciously helped us out with about half of the bill. We've paid most everything else by ourselves. I don't expect FH parent's to pay, but they did offer to help out in the early stages and then slowly stopped avoiding the subject. To put it nicely, my FI is not the "favorite" child. He doesn't get the free groceries, free shopping trips, free vacations and free out to eat dinners like his sister gets--and it's frusterating. We're struggling to afford a wedding. A WEDDING. A once in a lifetime occurance, while his sister gets her nails, hair, makeup, prom dress shoes and pictures for senior prom etc paid for free courtesy of MIL. On top of a free trip to Cancun, free clothes, free gas etc...and she even works. They call her "princess" and she gets whatever she wants while he is forced to pay for family outings or family vacations etc. Just not right. I don't want there to be hard feelings between us, but I don't see what it is about him that she won't help out his first and only wedding!
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

<div>They can spend their money however they want. Your FI has a right to feel slighted by his parents - but that has no bearing on how much they need to spend on your wedding. </div>

mari0225 · June 2012

My H had to learn this too, while MIL meant well it was not her show, H and I are a team not H and MIL vs. Me

willywally5 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c1c339c-2e7e-479c-bfd3-8cb500c388cfPost:eb6f81b3-ce2f-4cb7-8873-4d16216df489">Re: Future MIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]Invites go out in 4 days and we skipped STD's. We've gotten family friends to DJ, be the officiant and be our photographer/videographer. I knew weddings were expensive, but jeesh. <div>
</div><div>
</div><div> while his sister gets her nails, hair, dress, prom dress shoes and pictures for senior prom etc paid for free courtesy of MIL. On top of a free trip to Cancun, free gas etc... Just not right. I don't want there to be hard feelings between us, but I don't see what it is about him that she won't help out his first and only wedding!
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

</div><div><div>
If invites haven't gone out and you didn't do STD's, YOU CAN TRIM THE LIST! Just do it. It will save you a bundle! Tell her (or better yet have FI tell her) she can only have X number or spots because there are financial concerns. </div><div>
</div></div><div>
</div><div>If she just went to prom, I'm guessing she is still in high school? Also, if MIL/FIL want to indulge their daughter with such things, that is their perogative. Just because they like to tell you how to spend your money, doesn't mean it's right for you to tell them how to spend theirs. </div><div>
</div><div>Again, set some boundaries! The sooner, the better. And I'd do it before those invites go out. </div><div>
</div><div>Edited cuz I tried to quote separate parts and failed! SORRY!</div>

baystateapple · June 2012

Also, OP? Many times, people say that they can afford something and offer with the best intentions at heart, and then realize that they can't be as generous as they previously offered.

MIL was really upset that we were going to have an iPod wedding. She wanted us to have a DJ, and even went so far as to offer to pay for one, so long as we didn't have an iPod wedding. We booked the DJ and she put down the downpayment. Months later, she confessed that she couldn't cover the rest, and we had to come up with the remaining balance ourselves. Was it upsetting, especially considering we hadn't wanted this expense in the first place? Yes, but this is MIL, and we love her, and I know that it cost her pride to have to admit to us she couldn't afford it. So we let it go and enjoyed our DJ, even if it wasn't what we had originally planned.

SB1512 · June 2012

Since you didn't do save the dates, you have a few days to cut down the guest list if you wish. Talk with FI and basically say it seems like the only way to reduce the bill is to limit the guests. You should both take a look at your lists and think long and hard about anyone who doesn't necessarily have to be there. Especially if there are guests on there that neither of you know (FMIL's friends or co-workers for example). If cuts can be made your FI needs to have a sit down with his mom and let her know about them. while it's nice to want to accommodate everyone's requests she is not paying, so she has no say in the guest list. Also like other's have said, do not even offer mixed drinks, just do the beer, wine and soda as guests should not have to pay for anything at a reception. A sort of exception to this may be if your venue happens to be a restaurant or golf course with multiple bars (but only 1 bar set aside for your wedding), and guests may wander over to one of the public bars and order their own mixed drink. I think this is OK because it wouldn't technically be your bar that's supplying it, the guets is making a choice to walk over to a separate bar open to the public to get a drink that they want. But the bar for your wedding should not even have liquor stocked. Another option if you have the money for it would be to add 1 signature mixed drink that is hosted as well. So that ways guests could have beer, wine, soda or 1 type of hard liquor.

Cole&Kailee · June 2012

I just needed to rant and needed some advice. I am not only marrying him, I'm marrying his family and I'm ok with that and fully understand it. Didn't mean to come off bratty or conceded, I just see all these articles about "Who Pays for What" and all of these extravagent weddings that we simpy cannot afford. We're from a small town in the Midwest and most people around here spend $8-$20,000 on a wedding. Many don't have candy bars, photo booths, open bar because we just can't afford it.

I think with our budget, we're doing just fine and all I'm concered about at the end of the day is my FH and I's life afterwards. But to have a MIL who favors her children, is stingy with spending her money (buys things for herself and her daugher but no one else) and has a opionated attitude that makes you feel guilty is going to be hard to deal with.

Hopefully we can come up with the finaces we need without their help and it will make it even more special

baystateapple · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c1c339c-2e7e-479c-bfd3-8cb500c388cfPost:9468cdb8-5671-4bd3-9b50-c8bd95687f75">Re: Future MIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]I just needed to rant and needed some advice. I am not only marrying him, I'm marrying his family and I'm ok with that and fully understand it. Didn't mean to come off bratty or conceded, I just see all these articles about "Who Pays for What" and all of these extravagent weddings that we simpy cannot afford. We're from a small town in the Midwest and most people around here spend $8-$20,000 on a wedding. Many don't have candy bars, photo booths, open bar because we just can't afford it. I think with our budget, we're doing just fine and all I'm concered about at the end of the day is my FH and I's life afterwards.<strong> But to have a MIL who favors her children, is stingy with spending her money (buys things for herself and her daugher but no one else) and has a opionated attitude that makes you feel guilty is going to be hard to deal with.</strong> Hopefully we can come up with the finaces we need without their help and it will make it even more special :)
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]
And it will always be difficult. My parents favor my sister. It took me years to come to peace with it. But the sooner you let go of wondering why, and stop trying to understand it, and concern yourself with making YOURSELF and your FI happy, the sooner you'll come to terms with it and make peace with yourself.

mari0225 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c1c339c-2e7e-479c-bfd3-8cb500c388cfPost:bdbfdbd0-072a-475c-acc4-77bfdd74bdd9">Re: Future MIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future MIL problems : And it will always be difficult. My parents favor my sister. It took me years to come to peace with it. <strong>But the sooner you let go of wondering why, and stop trying to understand it, and concern yourself with making YOURSELF and your FI happy, the sooner you'll come to terms with it and make peace with yourself.</strong>
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

This.

rsaleh84 · June 2012

I'm sorry to hear that your FMIL is ruining what should be a happy and celebratory occasion!

First off, congratulations on your engagement! Secondly, you seem like a very reasonable and respectful person, and if she is not the same way, then it is not your fault. I agree with everyone else's comments. Definitely leave the messy handling to your FI...she is his mother, and he has known her much longer than you have. It will be much worse if you decide to handle the situation on your own.

Try to enjoy your planning, because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and you shouldn't let it be ruined by someone who has deep rooted issues that you are not obligated to fix.

P.S. I'm dealing with a slightly similar situation (FMIL is not willing to compromise on guest list), and I've learned to keep quiet, smile, change the subject, and hand off the issue to FI.

willywally5 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c1c339c-2e7e-479c-bfd3-8cb500c388cfPost:9468cdb8-5671-4bd3-9b50-c8bd95687f75">Re: Future MIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]I just needed to rant and needed some advice. I am not only marrying him, I'm marrying his family and I'm ok with that and fully understand it. Didn't mean to come off bratty or conceded, I just see all these articles about "Who Pays for What" and all of these extravagent weddings that we simpy cannot afford. We're from a small town in the Midwest and most people around here spend $8-$20,000 on a wedding. Many don't have candy bars, photo booths, open bar because we just can't afford it. I think with our budget, we're doing just fine and all I'm concered about at the end of the day is my FH and I's life afterwards. But to have a MIL who favors her children, is stingy with spending her money (buys things for herself and her daugher but no one else) and has a opionated attitude that makes you feel guilty is going to be hard to deal with. <strong>Hopefully we can come up with the finaces we need without their help and it will make it even more special :)</strong>
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

<div>But HOPING you come up with the finances isn't a plan! Are you going to just buy lotto tickets and hope for the best? That isn't sound or responsible if the large bill will really be a hardship for you. I say CUT THE LIST while you still can. If Bulldozer Momma doesn't like it, tough. Nobody is going to die, and I'm sure she will still talk to you. At least enough to tell you what to do! ; )</div>

HandBanana · June 2012

It sounds like there is some envy of FSIL. I get it but try to deal with it. She is going to be treated like that forever and, after the wedding, she will be in your life forever. Seriously. Be prepared for them to pay for her wedding at least. Some parents seem to have favorites or at least think one kid needs more attention. It just happens and at this stage, it won't chamge. The sooner you accept it, the happier you and FH will be.

OliveOilsMom · June 2012

If you haven't sent STDs, you can and should trim your guest list. Have FI go through and eliminate any people from his mother's list. Trim it now so you can take out a big chuck of the $2k you still owe on the wedding. Have FI tell FMIL that you needed to cut the list to accomodate the budget.

And it sounds like FSIL is still in high school. I would cut her some slack. If FILs want to pay for everything for her, that is their perogative. You can't dictate how they spend their money.

nextrightthing · June 2012

No one has perfect ILs. The reason people talk about ILs sucking is because so many of them do. I think you are going to have to let the small stuff go and let your FI handle his family. If he is handling them appropriately, you aren't going to have to worry about every, single overly opinionated thing your FMIL does, because he will tell her to butt out.

Sincerely,

Another girl with wacked out FILs.

mica178 · June 2012

Bay is super smart, and you should listen to her.

Meegles4 · June 2012

If you have a $2,000 bill that's over your budget, you need to cut. As PPs said, you can't expect the in-laws to pay, though it does suck that they may have offered to help and are now backing out. Cutting the guest list is the easiest solution here, or perhaps scale back on flowers or invitations or something else to make up a few bucks.

As for the kid thing, I think your in-laws are being ridiculous. This may be flamable, but H lost both his parents suddenly and tragically when he was young. It was over 15 years ago (he's now 31) and as insensitive as it is to say, the family has found a way to move on. It's not something that's discussed, but that's more to do with the passage of time than the pain.

I realize this child was three and that's very tragic circumstances on its own, but I presume this happened a long time ago if your FI and he were close to each other or close in age. In which case, it seems they just haven't moved on, and I know this sounds awful, but that's concerning. I'm not saying they should forget their child or the tragedy, but it just seems like there are a lot of deep-seeded issues in this family that could be contributing to everything you're facing. It's going to be an uphill battle unless they can acknowledge that there are ways to remember and honor the past without living in the past.

Future MIL problems

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