MIA Brother/Groomsman

LAM524 · March 2014

Hi all! We have a situation that I "thought" was resolved but now not so sure and I would like your opinions please. Back story: Brother & fiance have been friends for years even before we met. Brother got separated last summer and moved in with me. Fiance asked brother to be a groomsman-he said yes (while brother was living with me). Brother returned home after living with me for almost a year. I/we have not seen my brother since he went back to wife (he lives 10 mins away). I have probably had (maybe) only 2 very brief conversations with him since his return home (13 months ago) and fiance has had 2 text exchanges with him (during football season). He did not return any of our texts/calls regarding tux and has not gone for measurements. His wife did not rsvp/attend shower. Needless to say, he is not in our May wedding. We have absolutely no idea why he has distanced himself from us. Emotions have evolved from being puzzled, hurt, angry, hurt to acceptance.

We sent out our invites last week. Besides feeling completely disrespected, it seems very clear to us that he wants no relationship with us so we did not send him an invite. My Mom & Aunt (only members who know yet) are completely SHOCKED that he is not invited to wedding. Honestly, I'm shocked that they are shocked! His behavior towards us has been a mystery to everyone.

What would you have done/assumed if you were in this situation?

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I would have sent the invite anyway as an olive branch and way not to burn bridges with my brother.

It's one invite and the price of a stamp. That's worth it for the sake of saying, 'I still love you and want you in my life.'

lyndausvi · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I would have sent the invite anyway as an olive branch and way not to burn bridges with my brother. It's one invite and the price of a stamp. That's worth it for the sake of saying, 'I still love you and want you in my life.'

Yep. I would have extended an invite also.

Since there was no big falling out you can contribute to the distance I would put the ball back in his court.

ETA - I haven't seen my brother since 2011, I speak to him once a year at most. I still invited him to events. Sure some of it is for my parent's sake, but honestly I don't want him to have the upper hand of saying I didn't invite him. I would rather him be the bad guy for not coming.

Viczaesar · March 2014

I'm confused, whose brother is he?

zitiqueen · March 2014

LAM2228 said:

Hi all! We have a situation that I "thought" was resolved but now not so sure and I would like your opinions please. Back story: Brother & fiance have been friends for years even before we met. Brother got separated last summer and moved in with me. Fiance asked brother to be a groomsman-he said yes (while brother was living with me). Brother returned home after living with me for almost a year. I/we have not seen my brother since he went back to wife (he lives 10 mins away). I have probably had (maybe) only 2 very brief conversations with him since his return home (13 months ago) and fiance has had 2 text exchanges with him (during football season). He did not return any of our texts/calls regarding tux and has not gone for measurements. His wife did not rsvp/attend shower. Needless to say, he is not in our May wedding. We have absolutely no idea why he has distanced himself from us. Emotions have evolved from being puzzled, hurt, angry, hurt to acceptance.

We sent out our invites last week. Besides feeling completely disrespected, it seems very clear to us that he wants no relationship with us so we did not send him an invite. My Mom & Aunt (only members who know yet) are completely SHOCKED that he is not invited to wedding. Honestly, I'm shocked that they are shocked! His behavior towards us has been a mystery to everyone.

What would you have done/assumed if you were in this situation?

You should have still sent the invite.

LAM524 · March 2014

He is my brother. Let me add that he sent me a text in January saying that he was sorry for the way he handled "things" and that he was ready to talk "now" but if I wasnt, he would understand. I, of course told him that I wanted to talk and invited him for coffee. He said he was still working and he would contact me the next day. He never did. I will also say that while he was here, he told me that his wife didnt like me (she doesnt like anyone in the family) and I had to bridge the gap.

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

Viczaesar said:

I'm confused, whose brother is he?

Hers

bethsmiles · March 2014

I agree with the PPs, I would've sent him a invite and left the ball in his court.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

LAM2228 said:
He is my brother. Let me add that he sent me a text in January saying that he was sorry for the way he handled "things" and that he was ready to talk "now" but if I wasnt, he would understand. I, of course told him that I wanted to talk and invited him for coffee. He said he was still working and he would contact me the next day. He never did. I will also say that while he was here, he told me that his wife didnt like me (she doesnt like anyone in the family) and I had to bridge the gap.

None of this changes my advice. In fact, it strengthens my suggestion to send it anyway. Offer her the olive branch.

Is she being ridiculous? Yes. But put the ball in their court.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

LAM2228 said:
He is my brother. Let me add that he sent me a text in January saying that he was sorry for the way he handled "things" and that he was ready to talk "now" but if I wasnt, he would understand. I, of course told him that I wanted to talk and invited him for coffee. He said he was still working and he would contact me the next day. He never did. I will also say that while he was here, he told me that his wife didnt like me (she doesnt like anyone in the family) and I had to bridge the gap.
None of this changes my advice. In fact, it strengthens my suggestion to send it anyway. Offer her the olive branch.

Is she being ridiculous? Yes. But put the ball in their court.

ETA: How did I double-post and quote myself?!?

lyndausvi · March 2014

LAM2228 said:

He is my brother. Let me add that he sent me a text in January saying that he was sorry for the way he handled "things" and that he was ready to talk "now" but if I wasnt, he would understand. I, of course told him that I wanted to talk and invited him for coffee. He said he was still working and he would contact me the next day. He never did. I will also say that while he was here, he told me that his wife didnt like me (she doesnt like anyone in the family) and I had to bridge the gap.

I get why you didn't invite him. I'm not a fan of my brother's wife. I know she is not a fan of our family's either. We didn't have some huge falling out or anything. I just think they are inconsiderate assholes. For the sake of my brother and his kids we still invite him to family functions. They are full of drama it keeps them from turning around saying we are the ones who exclude them.

It doesn't seem like there was a specific falling out. You seem to maybe want to reestablish a relationship with him. I would have given an invite and put it in his court. If he doesn't come so be it. At least his wife can't dislike you even more by saying you do not even care about him enough to invite him.

Had you had some major blow up, he was abusive, etc and didn't want to see him ever again I would have different advice.

Viczaesar · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

He is my brother. Let me add that he sent me a text in January saying that he was sorry for the way he handled "things" and that he was ready to talk "now" but if I wasnt, he would understand. I, of course told him that I wanted to talk and invited him for coffee. He said he was still working and he would contact me the next day. He never did. I will also say that while he was here, he told me that his wife didnt like me (she doesnt like anyone in the family) and I had to bridge the gap.
None of this changes my advice. In fact, it strengthens my suggestion to send it anyway. Offer her the olive branch. Is she being ridiculous? Yes. But put the ball in their court.
ETA: How did I double-post and quote myself?!?

Obviously TK thinks you're special.

CMGragain · March 2014

I think you have made a terrible mistake by not inviting them. Now your sister-in-law can point to you and say, "See! What did I tell you? She didn't even invite us to her wedding!" You have given her every chance possible to make YOU the bad guy. What were you thinking?
Send the invitation immediately. Now if they refuse, it isn't YOUR fault.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Viczaesar said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

LAM2228 said:
He is my brother. Let me add that he sent me a text in January saying that he was sorry for the way he handled "things" and that he was ready to talk "now" but if I wasnt, he would understand. I, of course told him that I wanted to talk and invited him for coffee. He said he was still working and he would contact me the next day. He never did. I will also say that while he was here, he told me that his wife didnt like me (she doesnt like anyone in the family) and I had to bridge the gap.
None of this changes my advice. In fact, it strengthens my suggestion to send it anyway. Offer her the olive branch.

Is she being ridiculous? Yes. But put the ball in their court.
ETA: How did I double-post and quote myself?!?

Obviously TK thinks you're special.

Obviously.

phira · March 2014

Sooo ...

I don't know.

Over the past year, her brother has nearly completely cut off contact with her. He has, without any notice or warning, taken himself out of the wedding, and not even officially. He just never responded to any messages. His wife didn't just not attend the shower--she didn't even RSVP.

It seems to me as if the brother and his wife are cutting off contact, but doing it in such a way that they don't actually have to actively cut off contact. Like previous posters have said, it's easier this way to make it someone else's fault. Like, it's the OP's fault now if they don't come to the wedding because OP didn't invite them. Etc.

There are some details missing here. It's not entirely relevant why the brother and his wife separated, but it would be helpful to know if she had been isolating him from his family before the separation (or if things had been totally fine until the separation). It would also be helpful to know how the OP and fiance dealt with hosting the brother during his separation, and how they behaved/reacted after the brother and his wife decided to get back together.

However ... weddings are not deadlines to fix relationships. My sister pressured me to invite our dad to my wedding, saying I could invite him as a family friend or something. I kept trying to explain to her: "Come to my wedding" as an olive branch doesn't work this way. I am for "come to my wedding" as an olive branch when you're in the process of rebuilding a relationship, when the invitation isn't the first step.

In this case, I don't even think it would be seen as an olive branch--just another LOOK WILL YOU JUST COME TO THE DAMN WEDDING communication.

Not inviting her brother to the wedding does not mean that she's damaged their relationship beyond repair. If his wife is the type to say, "LOOK SEE THEY DON'T WANT YOU," well ... so? He went back to her. He made a choice. And OP doesn't have to keep doing everything she can to make their relationship work. What he's doing is hurting her and her fiance; why should they invite him when he's causing them this kind of pain? Just to have him never RSVP and not show up? Or RSVP no?

I don't think the OP would have been making a mistake to send an invitation to her brother, but here, I entirely respect the decision she and her fiance made to not send one. This isn't them burning a bridge. This is them saying, "You are our friend/brother and we care about you, but you are treating us like you don't want us in your lives, with no warning or explanation. We are deeply hurt by this, and this tells us you don't want to come to our wedding. We will save you the trouble by not inviting you, so we won't be disappointed when you don't come."

loro929 · March 2014

bethsmiles said:

I agree with the PPs, I would've sent him a invite and left the ball in his court.

This.

Without many more details its difficult to truly assess the situation. But, it is your brother and (again, without knowing any details) it seems that the wife may have had something to do with this, especially since he stayed with you during the time that they were separated. Maybe, it is that you and FI remind her / him of a difficult point in their relationship. Regardless, I always think to be the "bigger" person in the situation. Better to send the invite and exactly as PPs say, leave it in their court. At least you can not be at fault for trying.

climbingsingle · March 2014

You should have sent him an invite regardless of what's happened. That's your brother!! Also, CMG is right. You're the one that's going to end up looking like the jerk.

grumbledore · March 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:
You should have sent him an invite regardless of what's happened. That's your brother!! Also, CMG is right. You're the one that's going to end up looking like the jerk.

I disagree strongly with this logic. I would never invite my dad, even though he's my dad. He cut off contact with me several years ago - he doesn't deserve to be included. OP, I understand the call you made although it's really scrappy you're going through this.

AddieCake · March 2014

I would have still sent him an invitation. It's very odd that he just stopped communicating, but for you to not even invite him says YOU don't want him in YOUR life. You do, right? It makes no sense that you would just not invite him.

Normally I'm always preaching "We only invited people who were in our lives on a regular basis and didn't even invite my husband's grandparents for that reason," but this is not like it has been years where you were not speaking or had some kind of terrible falling out. He just went MIA. Obviously, he's got some stuff to work out, but not inviting him sends the message that you don't want him in your life.

climbingsingle · March 2014

grumbledore said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:
You should have sent him an invite regardless of what's happened. That's your brother!! Also, CMG is right. You're the one that's going to end up looking like the jerk.
I disagree strongly with this logic. I would never invite my dad, even though he's my dad. He cut off contact with me several years ago - he doesn't deserve to be included. OP, I understand the call you made although it's really scrappy you're going through this.

But that's a totally different situation. He just contacted her in January saying he wanted to talk things over.

Jells2dot0 · March 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

grumbledore said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:
You should have sent him an invite regardless of what's happened. That's your brother!! Also, CMG is right. You're the one that's going to end up looking like the jerk.
I disagree strongly with this logic. I would never invite my dad, even though he's my dad. He cut off contact with me several years ago - he doesn't deserve to be included. OP, I understand the call you made although it's really scrappy you're going through this.
But that's a totally different situation. He just contacted her in January saying he wanted to talk things over.

He did contact her in January, but when she agreed to meet, he completely blew her off!!

Part of the reason (okay, most of the reason) we eloped is because of family relations and not wanting their drama to impact our marriage. To me, the OP was very thoughtful in allowing her brother to stay with her, tried to assist where she could when he needed help, but then he clearly cannot return the favor by just simply being an active part of her live. I'd be upset too and I certainly would not want this to impact my wedding. Weddings are enough stress and drama without anyone letting their drama into the fold. I'm probably selfishly looking at this, but then again, I could be selfish because I didn't invite anyone to my wedding!

lyndausvi · March 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

You should have sent him an invite regardless of what's happened. That's your brother!! Also, CMG is right. You're the one that's going to end up looking like the jerk.
I disagree strongly with this logic. I would never invite my dad, even though he's my dad. He cut off contact with me several years ago - he doesn't deserve to be included. OP, I understand the call you made although it's really scrappy you're going through this.
But that's a totally different situation. He just contacted her in January saying he wanted to talk things over.

That is how I think also.

Had she said things like "I haven't seen or spoken to him in years". "he was always abusive to me". "He was abusive to my FI". "I don't want to have a relationship with him". Then I would have been all "no you don't have to invite him".

In this case, the breakdown of the relationship is fairly new. He did contact her in January. There was no specific fall out. We do not really know the why he left his wife, why he returned. The only thing we do know is he did have problems with his wife and choose to stay with his sister during that time.

More importantly he was invited to be a member of the WP. There is a verbal invite associated with being asked. I get he has removed himself from the WP by not getting the attire, but I don't think that automatically means he removed himself from getting an invite. We often give advice that you still need to invite people when relationships breakdown and there is a verbal invite or an STD sent out. Just because he is her brother doesn't mean that advice goes out the window.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I think for me, it depends on whether you want to leave the door open for a future relationship.

OP made it clear that at one point, she and her FI and her brother were all close. The break is relatively recent and new and seems to hurt the OP.

She said she was open to talking and reconciling with him, and I think not inviting him burns that bridge.

Obviously my answer would have been different if the brother had had a history of being abusive or mean or whatever.

Not inviting someone has the potential to sever any future relationship. In some cases, that's what you might want (@phira and her father, my DH and his parents).

If that is what OP wants then she should continue her course of action. But if she sends it and puts the ball in her brother and SIL's court, then she has been the bigger person and demonstrated forgiveness even if the face of rejection.

Since your FI is a pastor, I'd think 'turning the other cheek' would be something he'd want to demonstrate.

00kim00 · March 2014

lyndausvi said:

More importantly he was invited to be a member of the WP. There is a verbal invite associated with being asked. I get he has removed himself from the WP by not getting the attire, but I don't think that automatically means he removed himself from getting an invite. We often give advice that you still need to invite people when relationships breakdown and there is a verbal invite or an STD sent out. Just because he is her brother doesn't mean that advice goes out the window.

This makes sense.

This may be a stupid question, but since there's clearly a lack of effective communication going on, does he even know that he's not in the wedding party any more? My wedding is also in May, and our guys don't have their attire yet. If we were to say "needless to say, you aren't in the wedding anymore" to one of the guys, even one who hasn't responded to my fiance's messages for a month, that would actually be pretty shocking to our guys. And if they didn't even get an invite, especially if they were going through something like recently reconciling with a spouse, which is probably taking a lot of time and emotional energy, they would be confused at a minimum.

Also, asking your brother to be in the wedding and sending a shower invite to his wife is inviting them to the wedding. Outside of something drastic (and losing touch/reducing contact while going through a major life event like reconciling with his wife doesn't count in my opinion), NOT sending a formal invite is rude. You're sending the message that you want a gift and since the wife didn't pay up she's not invite to the big party. Lots of people don't RSVP, and while it's not a polite thing to do, most people who don't RSVP don't do it to be purposefully rude.

They can choose to come or not come, or not RSVP at all, but they should get an invite to the wedding since they've been verbally invited. If you choose not to send an invite, you should call them and let them know. They may be planning on coming, assuming they'd be invited by your previous actions.

lyndausvi · March 2014

00kim00 said:

lyndausvi said:

More importantly he was invited to be a member of the WP. There is a verbal invite associated with being asked. I get he has removed himself from the WP by not getting the attire, but I don't think that automatically means he removed himself from getting an invite. We often give advice that you still need to invite people when relationships breakdown and there is a verbal invite or an STD sent out. Just because he is her brother doesn't mean that advice goes out the window.

This makes sense.

This may be a stupid question, but since there's clearly a lack of effective communication going on, does he even know that he's not in the wedding party any more? My wedding is also in May, and our guys don't have their attire yet. If we were to say "needless to say, you aren't in the wedding anymore" to one of the guys, even one who hasn't responded to my fiance's messages for a month, that would actually be pretty shocking to our guys. And if they didn't even get an invite, especially if they were going through something like recently reconciling with a spouse, which is probably taking a lot of time and emotional energy, they would be confused at a minimum.

Also, asking your brother to be in the wedding and sending a shower invite to his wife is inviting them to the wedding. Outside of something drastic (and losing touch/reducing contact while going through a major life event like reconciling with his wife doesn't count in my opinion), NOT sending a formal invite is rude. You're sending the message that you want a gift and since the wife didn't pay up she's not invite to the big party. Lots of people don't RSVP, and while it's not a polite thing to do, most people who don't RSVP don't do it to be purposefully rude.

They can choose to come or not come, or not RSVP at all, but they should get an invite to the wedding since they've been verbally invited. If you choose not to send an invite, you should call them and let them know. They may be planning on coming, assuming they'd be invited by your previous actions.

Other good points.

If this was a regular guest we would be saying things like "it's rude to invite people to a shower and not the wedding". "Being in the WP is a verbal invite". "he still has 2 months to get his attire". The fact he is her brother doesn't change any of that.

phira · March 2014

Honestly, if he were a regular guest/non-related member of the wedding party, I'd still take this as a sign that he was cutting off ties with them.

Either way, I also think that not inviting him to the wedding does not close the door on a future relationship. Would him not coming to the wedding mean that he and the OP could NEVER reconcile? At least this way, the OP and her fiance have the power to say, "Right now, with the way things are, we'd rather you not come to the wedding," and they don't have to deal with the stress and sadness of a lack of RSVP or an RSVP of "no."

To folks saying BUT HE'S YOUR BROTHER, the most polite thing I can say is screw you. Plenty of us are estranged from family members, and I'm sooooo tired of heing people tell me that I have to invite my dad/have him in my life because HE'S YOUR DAD OMG.

LAM524 · March 2014

(Sorry so long, I have tried to address everyones questions. My OP was lacking because I was trying to keep it as short as possible but of course there is back story yuk!) Thanks everyone. This past year has been an battlefield in our minds. I first want to say that, unlike my usual self, and as terrible as this sounds, I can't afford to care what my SIL thinks/says. In the past, caring, did not make a bit of a difference. She "mysteriously" got very distant years ago. I finally found out why when my brother lived with me. He explained his helping our siblings during some of their troubled times, eventually took a toll on her in some way. She labeled the ENTIRE family "drama" and wrote everyone off, including our mother. I kept my mouth shut!! I always made sure to NEVER say anything bad about his wife no matter what he told me during their separation. I even reached out to her a few times (wishing her well and offering my help with the kids if needed. She even thanked me for taking him in) .

Even though I said nothing to him, I was confused, shocked and insulted. Best I am aware, the only "drama" I had was my divorce (after a 25 year marriage) but it was my "drama" and extremely painful. I didnt touch her/ them with it. Not while we had marriage problems or after our split (actually, everyone was shocked). They never even came around or gave support to me or my children. In fairness, I never reached out because of the distance that had obviously grown between us by this time. What did happen was they started hanging with my ex more and more and I had less and less contact/involvement with them.

*Jerry Springer moment* My ex eventually married her mother and even the occasional/ "mandatory" invites stopped. Here again, I was left to only assume why. No bday parties, holidays, pool parties, nothing. To tell you the hurt was so unbelievably deep that my insides burned, is putting it lightly. They chose my ex. It felt like a death. I went through the grieving process and eventually I got to the point of acceptance. Mind you, I was dating and falling in love with my fiance during this "phase out" time so he also "lost" a friend in my brother. (Side note: for your entertainment only. Ready? My SIL & brother went from my children's Aunt and Uncle to their step sister and brother, and my children went from being cousins to my nieces and nephews to their Uncles-Its quite a joke!) There must be some law against this!

After about a year and half, my brother came to me needing a place to stay. It was a time for mending/healing (I thought). We got to spend much time together, many heart to hearts, much laughter, and tears. He even took a part in my xmas play. I believed we reconnected. Actually, within a week of moving in, and many times after, he declared that if/when he went home, he wanted/needed to keep our relationship going. He instigated this. He said this to both me and fiance. He said it was very important to him. I eventually believed he meant it (my poor fiance believed him immediately). I also got engaged during his time and I was so loving life and our future prospects as one big happy family. Stupid ass me!

In the end, one day, he went to talk with her and about 2 weeks later, with no contact in between, via text message, he told me that he was staying home and would pick up his things in a few days (he picked them up when I wasnt home). I was happy for them and I extended an olive branch because of our talks. I called her and told her that Id like to close the gap. She agreed so I suggested we go for coffee, when she was ready. She agreed again. It never happened.

The crazy thing about this is that a few times, prior to the day he went home, he spoke to me about the possibilities of proposing to her again. Once he decided to go for it, he asked me to help him by picking out love songs and putting them on a CD that he could give to her with a ring. I did and he left. I say this is crazy because I could only assume it all went well because one, he stayed home and two, we have NEVER had a conversation since. Its been over a year!

The way this entire thing went down has left me feeling very used (to say the least). He came when he needed help and when he didnt need help anymore, he left. It still blows my mind.

There is one situation that has come up as to a reason why he has done this. My brother did something very terrible to an extended family member that I am very close to. Some how, some way, my name keeps coming up with it because I had gone to visit this family member for a holiday 16 months after the incident and a few months after my brother moved out. The situation was never discussed with this family member though but apparently my brother believes it was. This is all I know. Truth is, even if it was discussed, he did what he did to the family member. I/my fiance had nothing to do with it and my brother should have come to us to discuss whatever he thinks he knows/believes. He still has not rectified this situation either. Some family members believe brother is/has been using this as an excuse to not be in the wedding or even come so as to completely avoid this family.

Family members (not understanding my brothers behavior towards me and fiance either) have charged me/us with doing the right thing for "family sake." Thus far, they arent expressing anger (to me) and do say they understand but they also "note" that because my finance is a Pastor, and I will be a Pastors wife, we are charged with a HIGHER CALLING. Pastor or not, arent we all to love like Christ? There seems to be a double standard here. "For the sake of family" exactly this!! Where is my brothers charge/behavior/responsibility "for the families sake" in all of this? Where is his honor, respect and love...and plain human decency? Integrity? Where's his wife's?

I really wish I could get to that place in my heart/mind to "extend the olive branch" again...I really do. I have tried, even in this situation. I pray for it. As hard as this has been, I feel that if I invite them, and they come, I will hate myself for the rest of my life because right after the wedding, it will go back to what it has been, and they will go MIA. I cant imagine looking at those wedding pics and feeling good! I don't do shallow well with family.

Another truth, although prideful, if we do send an invite and they decline (if they respond at all) that's more power to them. Another blow off like the coffee invite I extended when he texted in January. BTW..that text said that he was sorry . He also said "I didnt handle things appropriately. Don't know how quite to even explain other then I was hurt. Lots of assumptions and insinuations seemed to be peddled around that I couldnt understand. Id like to talk finally. If your willing." He also said "Oh and I miss you! I hope your life is amazing!" He never got back to me about a time to meet. That was the last time I heard from him. Hmmmm....wonder who was doing the peddling?

I guess the bigger aspect of it and most important, right now, is that I feel the need to protect myself. If he were to come to me today, and apologize, I truly doubt I would feel any better or trust him. I have missed out on his new childs entire life (shes one), never mind his other children (one of his children were suppose to be in my wedding but he never responded to that situation either). He has missed out on my/fiance life events. Important ones-good and bad. Times I wanted/need him. He has made choices that seem very clear.. they translate to that he doesnt care about me, my fiance or my children, or that he doesnt care enough. Needless to say, there isnt an easy/clear answer. So I guess it comes down to what is the best of two evils and one questions: For whose sake, shall we extend an invite?

CMGragain · March 2014

So I guess it comes down to what is the best of two evils and one questions: For whose sake, shall we extend an invite?

Yours! If you don't invite them, your SIL will use it as ammunition against you. If you do invite them, she won't be able to complain about it to other people. (You can be thinking, "I have better manners than you do, you bitch!")

grumbledore · March 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

You should have sent him an invite regardless of what's happened. That's your brother!! Also, CMG is right. You're the one that's going to end up looking like the jerk.
I disagree strongly with this logic. I would never invite my dad, even though he's my dad. He cut off contact with me several years ago - he doesn't deserve to be included. OP, I understand the call you made although it's really scrappy you're going through this.
But that's a totally different situation. He just contacted her in January saying he wanted to talk things over.

And then he blew her off. Immediately and ever since from what I am hearing here. That's ridiculous behavior and doesn't lead me to believe he's trying to mend fences. I probably would have invited him anyway, but I can understand why she didn't.

CMGragain · March 2014

OP, I come from a family that is very much like yours. Drama, Jerry Springer moments, theft, drug abuse, incest. you name it. You are not alone. My advice comes from a lifetime of dealing with crap.

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

OP if it makes you feel better, my aunt married her daughter's husband's father. This made my cousin and her husband step siblings. And this was done while they were getting a divorce. Talk about family drama!

MIA Brother/Groomsman

Re: MIA Brother/Groomsman

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