Another +1 question!

Bubblegum5586 · March 2014

Just when I think I know the answer to every scenario for plus 1s....

My friend is getting married and asked me how it works and what I did. So I explained to her the rules of basically only truly single guests that are 18+ don't need to get a +1, but can at her discretion (and to keep in mind the "circles rule").

Well here is the question. Her cousin is 20 and has a GF that is 16. Now the guest is over 18 but the SO is not..... I know it will likely be easiest if she invites the GF to keep it simple but the numbers are tight (plus she has never met this GF before).

I appreciate any assistance on this!

Maggie0829 · March 2014

Since the main guest is an adult I would invite the SO. Now if both were minors then I would pull the "only adults get a plus one" rule and not invite the SO. To not invite the SO because she is under 18 then makes the bride look like she is judging the relationship and the age difference. KWIM?

sofakingmad · March 2014

If you are inviting the 20 yo and he has a SO, he should be invited with a guest.

If it was the other way around, it would be different.

NYCBruin · March 2014

Agree with the PPs, the 16 year old is being invited as the guest of the 20 year old. Her age should not matter as she's being invited as his (an adult) SO.

I also agree with Maggie, that if she wasn't invited, it may certainly appear that the couple is judging the age difference in the relationship.

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

....am I the only one who IS judging the age difference? 16 years old she can barely drive or even consent to certain acts in some states, and a 20 years old is old enough to have been out of high school for 2 years. Doesn't sit well with me.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

No @JellyBean52513 you are not the only one thinking that way.

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

That's very reassuring. Although, I can certainly appreciate everyone's ability to give sound etiquette-based advice for the OP's question.

phira · March 2014

Just wanted to chime in and say that yes, this is a creepy age difference.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I think the etiquette answer is that if the primary invitee is an adult, he or she gets to bring his SO, despite the creepy age-difference factor.

But man, what are the parents of those two kids thinking?!

ktjanesmom · March 2014

A 20 year old dating a 16 year old? Isnt that illegal?

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

@ktjanesmom -- creepy, yes. Illegal, no, unless they're having sex, and then not even always. In some states, the age of consent is 16, but only if the other party is within four years of the 16-year-old's age (so the 20-year-old is OK, until he turns 21, unless she is 17 by then).

Still weird.

phira · March 2014

Yeah, I think it's legal, but either way, it's a dynamic that's pretty troubling. I've got no problem with a 4-year age difference in general (plenty of people I know in great relationships have a similar or even greater age gap), but when you're younger, the age gap is much different.

grumbledore · March 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

....am I the only one who IS judging the age difference? 16 years old she can barely drive or even consent to certain acts in some states, and a 20 years old is old enough to have been out of high school for 2 years. Doesn't sit well with me.

Eh, I don't love it, but it's just shy of completely cringe-worthy. He's still very young, especially at the rate kids are growing up these days.

doeydo · March 2014

I would invite the S/O.

NYCBruin · March 2014

grumbledore said:

JellyBean52513 said:

....am I the only one who IS judging the age difference? 16 years old she can barely drive or even consent to certain acts in some states, and a 20 years old is old enough to have been out of high school for 2 years. Doesn't sit well with me.

Eh, I don't love it, but it's just shy of completely cringe-worthy. He's still very young, especially at the rate kids are growing up these days.

I agree with this. There are plenty of 20 year olds who have the emotional maturity of high school kids. Also, depending on where their birthdays fall (if she is at the very young end of her grade and he is at the very old end for his grade) they may only be 3 grades apart, or even 2 depending on the state and whether his parents had him start school a year late (which is not uncommon).

ETA bottom line is I don't think there's nearly enough information here to put our judge-y pants on, but maybe I'm being a little sensitive as FI is 7 years older than me and now I'm wondering how many of you think that's "creepy"

Inkdancer · March 2014

NYCBruin said:

grumbledore said:

JellyBean52513 said:

....am I the only one who IS judging the age difference? 16 years old she can barely drive or even consent to certain acts in some states, and a 20 years old is old enough to have been out of high school for 2 years. Doesn't sit well with me.

Eh, I don't love it, but it's just shy of completely cringe-worthy. He's still very young, especially at the rate kids are growing up these days.

I agree with this. There are plenty of 20 year olds who have the emotional maturity of high school kids. Also, depending on where their birthdays fall (if she is at the very young end of her grade and he is at the very old end for his grade) they may only be 3 grades apart, or even 2 depending on the state and whether his parents had him start school a year late (which is not uncommon).

ETA bottom line is I don't think there's nearly enough information here to put our judge-y pants on, but maybe I'm being a little sensitive as FI is 7 years older than me and now I'm wondering how many of you think that's "creepy"

My parents are 13 years apart in age and that doesn't bother me a bit-- because they're adults capable of holding jobs and making mature decisions.

What worries me in this situation is that one is an adult and one is a child--legally, but also probably emotionally. When they're a bit older it won't be so strange.

melbenso · March 2014

Do the 20-year-old and the 16-year-old live in the same city as the wedding will be held? If not, I'd be shocked if the 16-year-old were there if she was invited. I can't think of too many parents who would allow their 16-year-old daughter to go out of town over night with her 20-year-old boyfriend, wedding or not.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

Inkdancer said:

NYCBruin said:

grumbledore said:

JellyBean52513 said:

....am I the only one who IS judging the age difference? 16 years old she can barely drive or even consent to certain acts in some states, and a 20 years old is old enough to have been out of high school for 2 years. Doesn't sit well with me.

Eh, I don't love it, but it's just shy of completely cringe-worthy. He's still very young, especially at the rate kids are growing up these days.

I agree with this. There are plenty of 20 year olds who have the emotional maturity of high school kids. Also, depending on where their birthdays fall (if she is at the very young end of her grade and he is at the very old end for his grade) they may only be 3 grades apart, or even 2 depending on the state and whether his parents had him start school a year late (which is not uncommon).

ETA bottom line is I don't think there's nearly enough information here to put our judge-y pants on, but maybe I'm being a little sensitive as FI is 7 years older than me and now I'm wondering how many of you think that's "creepy"

My parents are 13 years apart in age and that doesn't bother me a bit-- because they're adults capable of holding jobs and making mature decisions.

What worries me in this situation is that one is an adult and one is a child--legally, but also probably emotionally. When they're a bit older it won't be so strange.

This. I don't judge age differences when both parties are adults. But when one is a minor and the other is an adult then yes I do judge that.

NYCBruin · March 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Inkdancer said:

NYCBruin said:

grumbledore said:

JellyBean52513 said:

....am I the only one who IS judging the age difference? 16 years old she can barely drive or even consent to certain acts in some states, and a 20 years old is old enough to have been out of high school for 2 years. Doesn't sit well with me.

Eh, I don't love it, but it's just shy of completely cringe-worthy. He's still very young, especially at the rate kids are growing up these days.

I agree with this. There are plenty of 20 year olds who have the emotional maturity of high school kids. Also, depending on where their birthdays fall (if she is at the very young end of her grade and he is at the very old end for his grade) they may only be 3 grades apart, or even 2 depending on the state and whether his parents had him start school a year late (which is not uncommon).

ETA bottom line is I don't think there's nearly enough information here to put our judge-y pants on, but maybe I'm being a little sensitive as FI is 7 years older than me and now I'm wondering how many of you think that's "creepy"

My parents are 13 years apart in age and that doesn't bother me a bit-- because they're adults capable of holding jobs and making mature decisions.

What worries me in this situation is that one is an adult and one is a child--legally, but also probably emotionally. When they're a bit older it won't be so strange.

This. I don't judge age differences when both parties are adults. But when one is a minor and the other is an adult then yes I do judge that.

But would you judge an older high school junior who dated a high school freshman, because that age difference is possible. Or even a senior and a freshman? What is it about turning 18 that magically makes the relationship not ok? Is a couple supposed to break up just because one of them becomes an adult?

Inkdancer · March 2014

NYCBruin said:

Maggie0829 said:

Inkdancer said:

NYCBruin said:

grumbledore said:

JellyBean52513 said:

....am I the only one who IS judging the age difference? 16 years old she can barely drive or even consent to certain acts in some states, and a 20 years old is old enough to have been out of high school for 2 years. Doesn't sit well with me.

Eh, I don't love it, but it's just shy of completely cringe-worthy. He's still very young, especially at the rate kids are growing up these days.

I agree with this. There are plenty of 20 year olds who have the emotional maturity of high school kids. Also, depending on where their birthdays fall (if she is at the very young end of her grade and he is at the very old end for his grade) they may only be 3 grades apart, or even 2 depending on the state and whether his parents had him start school a year late (which is not uncommon).

ETA bottom line is I don't think there's nearly enough information here to put our judge-y pants on, but maybe I'm being a little sensitive as FI is 7 years older than me and now I'm wondering how many of you think that's "creepy"

My parents are 13 years apart in age and that doesn't bother me a bit-- because they're adults capable of holding jobs and making mature decisions.

What worries me in this situation is that one is an adult and one is a child--legally, but also probably emotionally. When they're a bit older it won't be so strange.

This. I don't judge age differences when both parties are adults. But when one is a minor and the other is an adult then yes I do judge that.

But would you judge an older high school junior who dated a high school freshman, because that age difference is possible. Or even a senior and a freshman? What is it about turning 18 that magically makes the relationship not ok? Is a couple supposed to break up just because one of them becomes an adult?

I absolutely side-eye an older junior or a senior dating a freshman. There is a heck of a lot of maturing that should go on in that time span, and it usually either means that the freshman is really really mature or the junior/senior is really really immature.

NYCBruin · March 2014

Inkdancer said:

But would you judge an older high school junior who dated a high school freshman, because that age difference is possible. Or even a senior and a freshman? What is it about turning 18 that magically makes the relationship not ok? Is a couple supposed to break up just because one of them becomes an adult?

I absolutely side-eye an older junior or a senior dating a freshman. There is a heck of a lot of maturing that should go on in that time span, and it usually either means that the freshman is really really mature or the junior/senior is really really immature.

And to the extent that this is the case, what's the problem? I just don't get it. Apparently you would have side-eyed several of my friends in high school.

ETA: I remember a huge maturity difference in general between freshman women and freshman boys (note the use of women and boys because in my experience freshmen females were vastly more mature both physically and emotionally than their male counterparts).

Maggie0829 · March 2014

I am with Inkdancer. When you are young (even 18, 19, 20) there is a lot of emotional maturity that happens from year to year. When I was a freshman in high school I dated a Junior. We only dated for about a month but I can remember thinking that he was definitely a lot "older" (meaning maturity wise not age wise) then myself. I would follow his lead and his thinking on many things because at 13-14 I hadn't matured enough to speak up for myself or to have my own thoughts and not be afraid to voice them. I think he noticed this "age" difference too which is why we broke up. Luckily for me he was a good guy and didn't take advantage of my lack of maturity but that is not always the case.

I can tell you that when I was 20 I was a lot different maturity wise then when I was 16. I had been able to experience things (good and bad that helped to mold me as a person) and I was in college living an adult college life. That life is 100% different then high school life. Period.

I believe that when you are in high school and early college years, dating older or younger by a couple years is much, much different (maturity wise) then dating a few years older or younger when you are in your mid 20's or older.

NYCBruin · March 2014

Maggie0829 said:

I am with Inkdancer. When you are young (even 18, 19, 20) there is a lot of emotional maturity that happens from year to year. When I was a freshman in high school I dated a Junior. We only dated for about a month but I can remember thinking that he was definitely a lot "older" (meaning maturity wise not age wise) then myself. I would follow his lead and his thinking on many things because at 13-14 I hadn't matured enough to speak up for myself or to have my own thoughts and not be afraid to voice them. I think he noticed this "age" difference too which is why we broke up. Luckily for me he was a good guy and didn't take advantage of my lack of maturity but that is not always the case.

I can tell you that when I was 20 I was a lot different maturity wise then when I was 16. I had been able to experience things (good and bad that helped to mold me as a person) and I was in college living an adult college life. That life is 100% different then high school life. Period.

I believe that when you are in high school and early college years, dating older or younger by a couple years is much, much different (maturity wise) then dating a few years older or younger when you are in your mid 20's or older.

My only issue is with the posters who seem to assume that this particular couple must be in the same place emotionally that they were in high school.

You don't know what this couple's story is. Both my parents were running households by themselves at age 16 (one moved out and the other was effectively abandoned after the death of a parent). They were plenty "adult." This 16 year old may be, too. The 20 year old could also be very much a "child" depending on the standard you want to use.

My only point is that it's pretty judgmental to make sweeping generalizations based on age. Your personal childhood experience is not universal.

Inkdancer · March 2014

NYCBruin said:

Maggie0829 said:

I am with Inkdancer. When you are young (even 18, 19, 20) there is a lot of emotional maturity that happens from year to year. When I was a freshman in high school I dated a Junior. We only dated for about a month but I can remember thinking that he was definitely a lot "older" (meaning maturity wise not age wise) then myself. I would follow his lead and his thinking on many things because at 13-14 I hadn't matured enough to speak up for myself or to have my own thoughts and not be afraid to voice them. I think he noticed this "age" difference too which is why we broke up. Luckily for me he was a good guy and didn't take advantage of my lack of maturity but that is not always the case.

I can tell you that when I was 20 I was a lot different maturity wise then when I was 16. I had been able to experience things (good and bad that helped to mold me as a person) and I was in college living an adult college life. That life is 100% different then high school life. Period.

I believe that when you are in high school and early college years, dating older or younger by a couple years is much, much different (maturity wise) then dating a few years older or younger when you are in your mid 20's or older.

My only issue is with the posters who seem to assume that this particular couple must be in the same place emotionally that they were in high school.

You don't know what this couple's story is. Both my parents were running households by themselves at age 16 (one moved out and the other was effectively abandoned after the death of a parent). They were plenty "adult." This 16 year old may be, too. The 20 year old could also be very much a "child" depending on the standard you want to use.

My only point is that it's pretty judgmental to make sweeping generalizations based on age. Your personal childhood experience is not universal.

I'm not trying to suggest that this couple should definitely break up or that they are bad for each other. I am trying to suggest that the couple is going to have to work very hard to be taken seriously, and that many others may find their relationship strange (including me, standing from the outside. closer people may know them better and approve). I also mean to suggest that in this case extending an invitation to the 16-year-old is very discretionary given that she is a minor and her SO is an adult.

natswild · March 2014

I wouldn't side-eye this situation nearly as much as one in Alberta, which had made the news. 24 year old man with a 12 year old girlfriend. Much was made about them murdering her family, but not once did anyone mention the fact that she was 12 years younger, and the impact that would make on her psyche, never mind that it is illegal even in Alberta! Back to the OP, I would invite the GF, as she is his SO.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

NYCBruin said:

Maggie0829 said:

I am with Inkdancer. When you are young (even 18, 19, 20) there is a lot of emotional maturity that happens from year to year. When I was a freshman in high school I dated a Junior. We only dated for about a month but I can remember thinking that he was definitely a lot "older" (meaning maturity wise not age wise) then myself. I would follow his lead and his thinking on many things because at 13-14 I hadn't matured enough to speak up for myself or to have my own thoughts and not be afraid to voice them. I think he noticed this "age" difference too which is why we broke up. Luckily for me he was a good guy and didn't take advantage of my lack of maturity but that is not always the case.

I can tell you that when I was 20 I was a lot different maturity wise then when I was 16. I had been able to experience things (good and bad that helped to mold me as a person) and I was in college living an adult college life. That life is 100% different then high school life. Period.

I believe that when you are in high school and early college years, dating older or younger by a couple years is much, much different (maturity wise) then dating a few years older or younger when you are in your mid 20's or older.

My only issue is with the posters who seem to assume that this particular couple must be in the same place emotionally that they were in high school.

You don't know what this couple's story is. Both my parents were running households by themselves at age 16 (one moved out and the other was effectively abandoned after the death of a parent). They were plenty "adult." This 16 year old may be, too. The 20 year old could also be very much a "child" depending on the standard you want to use.

My only point is that it's pretty judgmental to make sweeping generalizations based on age. Your personal childhood experience is not universal.

Multi year age gaps in relationships of children age 13- early 20's usually makes most ppl cringe because for the most part, kids in this age range are not emotionally, mentally, or fully socially mature, despite what they may think. Just because someone is 18 and is legally an adult, does not mean they are actually mentally and emotionally one.

In general, most people do a hell of a lot of growing up between their teens and their 30's. Your parents' situation as teens is not the norm.

And I don't think anyone here is judging your relationship with your FI. Age gaps in relationships lose their relevance the older people get, but I think it is quite normal for people to be leery of significant age gaps when people are teens-early 20's.

As a parent, I would be very afraid if I had an 18+ year old son who was dating a 16 year old girl. . . there could be very severe legal ramifications.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

Inkdancer stop sharing my brain!

I realize that my childhood experience is not universal but neither is your example NYC. In general, I do not think that it is appropriate for a minor to be dating an adult. In general the maturity level of a 16 year old is vastly different then a 20 year old. Yes there are some circumstances where this may not hold true, but even 16 year olds who have to "grow up fast" and act like an adult to take care of younger siblings or a baby are still 16 years old. They still have the mindset of a 16 year old but unfortunately have to be responsible when really they aren't at the emotional maturity to 100% take that on without some emotional trauma (such as feelings of regret on missing out on childhood and all that goes along with it).

I'm sorry but when there is a couple and one is a minor and the other is an adult (and I am not talking 17 and 18) I will judge that relationship because I think it is wrong, no matter the circumstances.

Inkdancer · March 2014

@Maggie0829 No, it's cozy and there's wine in here.

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

My issue with this age difference is that one is a minor and one is an adult. A difference of four years is enough between your teens and your no-longer-teens to be significant. I don't care how "mature" of a 16 year old she may be; responsible and mature aren't exactly the same thing when it comes to emotional maturity. For that matter, the argument of the 20 year old's maturity being on the same level as the 16 year old's makes the whole thing even worse!! "Oh, well, the 20 year old might be on her same level because he's a guy and they mature slower." Great, just what we need, an adult with the maturity level of a high schooler dating an actual high schooler.

AddieCake · March 2014

I haven't read the other responses yet, but my answer is that the GF should be invited.

ETA: I'm judging the age difference and picturing my husband's reaction if our (hypothetical) 16-year-old daughter ever came home telling us her boyfriend was 20. And it's a scary, scary place.

Mitch617 · March 2014

I know this is not the etiquette-approved way of looking at it but I would consider how the 20 year old cousin's parents feel about the relationship. If they disapprove, I wouldn't want to invite the 16 year old GF. Assuming the parents are invited too, this would make things very uncomfortable and probably embarrassing for them. If they think its a healthy relationship and she spends time at other family events, you should not be the one to judge if all other young cousins are getting invited with the SOs.

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