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Suddenly I'm the Etiquette Police? Really?

LDay2014LDay2014 member
500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
LOL...
Apparently I've now been awarded the badge of etiquette police because I told someone they were rude/micromanaging by telling their guests to make sure they have cash on hand to tip the bartender (a friend of theirs) at their open bar wedding.  They are paying their friend $50 for the night and think that's not enough so want to make sure their guests all tip enough so buddy earns a full night's wages.
  • Points for having open bar
  • Points removed for alluding to your guests that they must tip.
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Re: Suddenly I'm the Etiquette Police? Really?

  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    Congrats! LOL. They might as well be saying its a dollar bar...becuase they don't want to tip this friend of theirs any real wages and are planning to source his income with tips.  And come on who doesn't tip at least a dollar a drink at a bar?

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  • InkdancerInkdancer member
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    photokitty said:
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    Someone at a properly hosted wedding, that's who
    Agreed. I would never assume I needed to tip at a wedding--that's why the wedding hosts are paying and tipping, after all!
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I never tip at a wedding because I am under the impression that the bride and groom (or whoever is paying for the event) is doing their job.

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  • sofakingmadsofakingmad member
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    I will say that sometimes I tip at a wedding because you do tend to get better service and stronger drinks.

    But that's just my personal choice.  Not that there are tip jars out or anything.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    LDay2014 said:
    LOL...
    Apparently I've now been awarded the badge of etiquette police because I told someone they were rude/micromanaging by telling their guests to make sure they have cash on hand to tip the bartender (a friend of theirs) at their open bar wedding.  They are paying their friend $50 for the night and think that's not enough so want to make sure their guests all tip enough so buddy earns a full night's wages.
    • Points for having open bar
    • Points removed for alluding to your guests that they must tip.
    The bride and groom should be tipping the bartender, not the guests. Do they expect their guests to tip the wait staff too?
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  • TerriHuggTerriHugg member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    Hmmm

    While I don't think it's right for the bride to elude the need for tipping at the wedding, I always tip the bartender when attending one. 

    I actually thought most people did. 
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    TerriHugg said:
    Hmmm

    While I don't think it's right for the bride to elude the need for tipping at the wedding, I always tip the bartender when attending one. 

    I actually thought most people did. 
    Do you tip the waitstaff? I'm not trying to be snarky, I seriously don't understand why people feel the need to tip the bartender at a hosted event but not the servers?  I do not tip at an open bar event, whether that is a wedding or a company function or some other event. When I go out, and I'm paying, I tip generously, but if I'm not paying, I don't feel the need to tip, because I assume the host has taken care of it. If they have not, that's on them, not me.
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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
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    LDay2014 said:

    LOL...

    Apparently I've now been awarded the badge of etiquette police because I told someone they were rude/micromanaging by telling their guests to make sure they have cash on hand to tip the bartender (a friend of theirs) at their open bar wedding.  They are paying their friend $50 for the night and think that's not enough so want to make sure their guests all tip enough so buddy earns a full night's wages.
    • Points for having open bar
    • Points removed for alluding to your guests that they must tip.
    Guess it's not really an open bar if guests still have to pay, and $50 is a crappy rate for a typical 5 + hr reception!
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  • TerriHuggTerriHugg member
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    laurynm84 said:
    show previous quotes
    Do you tip the waitstaff? I'm not trying to be snarky, I seriously don't understand why people feel the need to tip the bartender at a hosted event but not the servers?  I do not tip at an open bar event, whether that is a wedding or a company function or some other event. When I go out, and I'm paying, I tip generously, but if I'm not paying, I don't feel the need to tip, because I assume the host has taken care of it. If they have not, that's on them, not me.
    No, I don't tip the waitstaff. I only tip bartenders because I've noticed they have tip jars at the booth sometimes during weddings. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    TerriHugg said:
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    No, I don't tip the waitstaff. I only tip bartenders because I've noticed they have tip jars at the booth sometimes during weddings. 
    The presence of a tip jar is not a requirement on the guests' part to fill it.  It is totally appropriate to ignore them, and perhaps empty tip jars might even result in the venue's realizing that it is inappropriate to put them out during a hosted event.  Any gratuities for the bartenders and waitstaff should be included in the contract and paid in a lump sum with the venue fees by the couple/hosts-NOT the guests.
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  • crackktheskyycrackktheskyy member
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    LDay2014 said:
    LOL...
    Apparently I've now been awarded the badge of etiquette police because I told someone they were rude/micromanaging by telling their guests to make sure they have cash on hand to tip the bartender (a friend of theirs) at their open bar wedding.  They are paying their friend $50 for the night and think that's not enough so want to make sure their guests all tip enough so buddy earns a full night's wages.
    • Points for having open bar
    • Points removed for alluding to your guests that they must tip.
    I saw this thread! I couldn't believe said person called you the etiquette police for this. She even acknowledged that what she was doing was probably against etiquette! I don't understand why anyone bothers posting a question on a public forum if they don't want the honest opinions of others. I mean, if I was genuinely curious about hosting my guests properly and had a related question that I honestly didn't know the answer to, I would want to be informed of the right way of doing things, not the sugarcoated way.
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  • FiancBFiancB member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    TerriHugg said:
    Hmmm

    While I don't think it's right for the bride to elude the need for tipping at the wedding, I always tip the bartender when attending one. 

    I actually thought most people did. 
    I thought that bar/wait staff charges and automatic 20%ish gratuity, so I don't. Except at a cash bar I suppose. But open it is typically covered. Not in this case since a friend's doing it,, but that doesn't mean it's okay for the bride and groom to not cover that.
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  • TerriHuggTerriHugg member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    Jen4948 said:
    show previous quotes
    The presence of a tip jar is not a requirement on the guests' part to fill it.  It is totally appropriate to ignore them, and perhaps empty tip jars might even result in the venue's realizing that it is inappropriate to put them out during a hosted event.  Any gratuities for the bartenders and waitstaff should be included in the contract and paid in a lump sum with the venue fees by the couple/hosts-NOT the guests.
    @Jen4948

    I agree completely. A tip jar does not require me to tip. However, I see no harm in it, so I tip them. If people don't want to tip even when they a tip jar, that's their prerogative.  I was only answering the question asked of me. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    TerriHugg said:
    show previous quotes
    @Jen4948

    I agree completely. A tip jar does not require me to tip. However, I see no harm in it, so I tip them. If people don't want to tip even when they a tip jar, that's their prerogative.  I was only answering the question asked of me. 
    You may see no harm in it, but in fact, it's helping to perpetuate a violation of etiquette.  It's rude of them to put out tip jars.  You actually encourage them to continue their rudeness to the hosted guests they serve by doing so, by allowing them to expect tips.
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  • TerriHuggTerriHugg member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    ^^^ I see where you are coming from, but I think we will have to agree to disagree on this one. I will continue to tip as I see fit and others can do the same. 

    If I didn't want to tip I wouldn't whether or not bartenders expect it. 
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  • BlueBirdMBBlueBirdMB member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    While I agree with your assessment's of your friend's situation, the true advice would have been none at all.  It is very impolite to point out other's rudeness unless they ask.  When someone posts here on TK, they are looking for advice, so we can tell them if they are being rude.  When someone is rude IRL, it's none of your business.  Don't share unless you feel personally hurt by their rudeness or unless they ask for your opinion. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. 

    EDITED.  Reading fail.  This wasn't IRL, it was on TK.  My bad. 
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  • FiancBFiancB member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    If someone puts out a tip jar at my reception when I'm already required to tip 21%, I might accidentally knock it down and break it. Woops, clumsy me...
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited March 2014
    TerriHugg said:
    ^^^ I see where you are coming from, but I think we will have to agree to disagree on this one. I will continue to tip as I see fit and others can do the same. 

    If I didn't want to tip I wouldn't whether or not bartenders expect it. 
    Sorry, but nobody should be tipping except the bride and groom.  Period.  Doesn't matter whether or not you want to tip-you don't barge in on someone else's event and start throwing around your money.  Just as the hosts have the right to decide what gets hosted, so they have the responsibility to do the tipping-not you, not the other guests-regardless of whether or not you want to tip.  You can disagree all you want, but you're being rude to your hosts and encouraging an inappropriate sense of entitlement on the part of bartenders and waitstaff when you tip out of turn, because they think they are entitled to and can get away with putting out that jar at future events when you put money in there.
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  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We told our caterer at our tasting (our bartender is contracted through them) that we absolutely did not want the bartender to put out a tip jar - we would be covering the tip ourselves. When we got the updated contract with our food choices, it said in big letters that the bartender was not to have a tip jar, so the caterer is aware of our wishes. If a tip jar magically appears day-of, you best bet it would "disappear".
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  • TerriHuggTerriHugg member
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    Jen4948 said:
    show previous quotes
    Sorry, but nobody should be tipping except the bride and groom.  Period.  Doesn't matter whether or not you want to tip-you don't barge in on someone else's event and start throwing around your money.  Just as the hosts have the right to decide what gets hosted, so they have the responsibility to do the tipping-not you, not the other guests-regardless of whether or not you want to tip.  You can disagree all you want, but you're being rude to your hosts and encouraging an inappropriate sense of entitlement on the part of bartenders and waitstaff when you tip out of turn, because they think they are entitled to and can get away with putting out that jar at future events when you put money in there.
    I can understand it being rude for bartenders to put a tip jar out, but now I'm being rude because I choose to tip???!!!  Wow. I actually makes me feel good to tip people when I feel it is deserved. Like I said, while I understand your opinion, I have to respectfully disagree with it.  And I will leave it at that.  I feel like you are attacking me and I don't appreciate that. 
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  • singinchick13singinchick13 member
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    The hosts of the event usually have the option of saying no tip jars since the gratuity is included in the price of service. I would personally never rob a bartender of potential tips, though, as someone who has worked in the bar and service industry for almost nine years. Tips are not necessary, required, or expected. Where I live, bartenders and waitstaff get paid less than minimum wage because the government expects them to make tips. They also have to 'tip out' which means pay the people who make the food and drinks they are serving, out of their tips for the day. Because of this, if some customers do not tip these people are actually losing money by waiting on them. I realize an event such  as a wedding is a different circumstance, but I have worked banquets as well and tips from guests are just a little extra 'thank you for doing a great job'.

    This is in no way the guests' responsibility, of course, and I plan to add this extra tip to all our waitstaff after the fact, but the bartender stands to make a lot of cash tips and it is just a respect thing in bar culture that you tip well particularly if you work in the industry. I could never get a drink from a bartender without tipping. Friends have bought a round of drinks for me and others before and tipped minimally so I would add in some more. Friends at establishments I've worked for in the past have given me free drinks and I still tip. I know many people who have never worked in the industry that would feel the same way. I know because they are the people that would tip me $100 on a dinner bill of $120. It really just comes down to respect for the industry, whether someone chooses to tip or not. Even if no tip jar were in sight, we don't need a reminder, we tip.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    TerriHugg said:
    show previous quotes
    I can understand it being rude for bartenders to put a tip jar out, but now I'm being rude because I choose to tip???!!!  Wow. I actually makes me feel good to tip people when I feel it is deserved. Like I said, while I understand your opinion, I have to respectfully disagree with it.  And I will leave it at that.  I feel like you are attacking me and I don't appreciate that. 
    I'm sorry.  I don't mean for you to feel attacked.  But I do think it's wrong for anyone other than the actual hosts to pay tips at a hosted event.  Sometimes the fact that something feels good just doesn't justify doing it.
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  • FiancBFiancB member
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    I've also worked at restaurants and relied heavily on tips. I almost always round up from 20% when I go to a restaurant or a bar unless the service is truly awful and there wasn't a good reason for it, like the restaurant getting slammed. I still think it's incredibly rude and unprofessional to put out a tip jar when you're already making a guaranteed large tip off the bride and groom. If people choose to tip they can put it in the bartender's hand or leave it on the counter just as easily.

    I don't see anything wrong with a guest choosing to tip. I can definitely see doing so to keep the drinks fast and strong. But putting out a jar suggesting that guests should feel bad if they don't tip is really rude. I'm tipping them and am working hard to make sure nobody feels like they need to open their wallet. 

    If the wedding was super casual and it was a situation like this where a friend was doing it, I wouldn't mind so much. But in the typical venue where there's an automatic gratuity it's just not okay IMO.


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  • tesgirl123tesgirl123 member
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    The Bride and Groom should make sure that all waitstaff are tipped appropriately before the end of the night.   My contracted rate included 7% state tax and 18% gratuity, for all staff except the maitre'd.  There is no need for guests to tip at a wedding.

    That being said, I have gone to plenty of open-bar weddings and tipped the bartenders when getting drinks.  I think for a lot of people its just out of habit to tip them.   The valets are included in the gratuity but I am sure people tip them as well.   We've become so accustomed to tipping that we do it without thinking about it.

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