Another +1 question!

artbyallie · March 2014

Re: the creep-factor, I find this formula handy. If your partner is less than half your age + 7 years (or vice versa), it's too much of a difference. Thus 20/2+7=17 and therefore dating a 16-year-old is just over the line of too young.

Jen4948 · March 2014

If we're talking about a relationship where the two people are a year or two apart in age, even if one is legally an adult and the other isn't yet, I can accept that as a social unit. But I'm not going to treat two minors dating each other as a social unit.

A situation where you have a 20 year old dating a 16 year old would bother me.

Bubblegum5586 · March 2014

Lol thanks everyone! I guess I am still wondering if it is AGAINST etiquette to not invite the 16 SO? Most responded with "I would" but is there any actual line of right and wrong here? Just curious?

Maggie0829 · March 2014

Lol thanks everyone! I guess I am still wondering if it is AGAINST etiquette to not invite the 16 SO? Most responded with "I would" but is there any actual line of right and wrong here? Just curious?

I don't know if there is an actual line, rather just how the couple feels and how the minors parents/cousins parents feel about the relationship. If I were in that position I would invite them as a couple because that is what they define themselves as and the main invitee is an adult. Even though I disagree with the relationship it is not my place (since I am not the parent) to do or say anything about it. So I would keep my judgement to myself.

ETA: when I say how the couple feels I am talking about the bride and groom not the couple in question.

tesgirl123 · March 2014

How long have they been together? If its less than 3 months I would not invite the GF. If questioned you can always say that you didn't take into account a guest since the relationship didn't exist when you made the guest list and now you are at capacity for the space.

Also, asking for family members opinions might help as well. If your parents are totally skeeved out by the relationship(which I sort of am) they might insist on not inviting the GF, especially if they are paying. If your aunt and uncle don't approve, not inviting her might make for less drama on the actual day of the wedding.

sarahufl · March 2014

I may have missed this, but is it OOT? I think the age range is questionable at best. FI and I are 4 years apart, but I will be 31 and him 35 when we get married.

There is a zero percent chance my parents would have allowed me to date a 20 yo when I was 16, but they ABSOLUTELY would not have allowed us to travel and presumably stay in a hotel.

kkitkat79 · March 2014

Dave Chappelle makes an excellent point on the subject...

http://youtu.be/ZjsufO9hZwo

SammiNJonni · March 2014

I would invite her, also I do not judge the age thing since age of consent where I am is 16-24. That differs based on state. Her parents may not allow her to come anyway.

kgd7357 · March 2014

I would invite her as a SO, but if I was her mom, there is no way I'd let her go if she couldn't get back by curfew.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

SammiNJonni said:

I would invite her, also I do not judge the age thing since age of consent where I am is 16-24. That differs based on state. Her parents may not allow her to come anyway.

Even if that was the age of consent from where I am from I still would judge the relationship legal or not.

abbyj700 · March 2014

Yes - etiquette wise you should invite her.

And I wouldn't side-eye this relationship. It's all situational to me. Having started dating my brothers best friend when he was a senior and I was a freshman - I had a very similar situation. He went off to college, hit "legal" adulthood and we still dated his freshman year of college. I'm sure it freaked people out. Guess what - I didn't want to date guys my age - they were immature. We never once had sex, he never once treated me poorly, and our families were friends -so they were very aware of the relationship. Shit, we even went to the same church. We are still friends till this day. Nothing odd about that relationship or others like it. If these kids have a relationship and the families know and don't object - why automatically say creepy just based on age?

And I've always dated guys who were older than me. I've been side-eyed many a time as the younger woman. Then my bastard of an FI came in and was a year younger than me and changed everything. I always used to tell him "I get what you're trying to do here, but I don't date guys younger than me." His response? "Well you're just going to have to get over that."

Edited to note that yes - there are cases where 20 year old boys are taking advantage of 16 year old girls. This is not for strangers to decide just based on age. The family knows the couple.

ashleyep · March 2014

bubblegum1309 said:

Lol thanks everyone! I guess I am still wondering if it is AGAINST etiquette to not invite the 16 SO? Most responded with "I would" but is there any actual line of right and wrong here? Just curious?

I don't know that there's any hard and fast rule. If this is the only cousin with a girlfriend/boyfriend and their relationship is newish, you're probably fine not inviting her. I don't think anyone is going to call the etiquette police on you, especially since this is family.

But if the rest of the cousins are older and are being invited with their SOs and this is the only one you'd exclude, I would invite her.

But realistically, it's one person. It's not going to make or break a budget to invite her. Hopefully he comes without her.

ETA: I was 20 and FI 23 when we met, but I still think that's a lot different than 20 and 16. I remember thinking he was old and him being frustrated that I wasn't 21 - he hadn't had to think about being underage in over 2 years.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

sarahufl said:
There is a zero percent chance my parents would have allowed me to date a 20 yo when I was 16, but they ABSOLUTELY would not have allowed us to travel and presumably stay in a hotel.

This, exactly.

Bubblegum5586 · March 2014

Thanks everyone!

Just for the questions that were asked;

-This is not an out of town wedding

-It is ILLEAGAL in the state we are in

-It is side-eyed by the family

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

bubblegum1309 said:

Thanks everyone!

Just for the questions that were asked;

-This is not an out of town wedding
-It is ILLEAGAL in the state we are in
-It is side-eyed by the family

Well then, I would think this complicates the etiquette issue a bit, no?

I don't think I would personally be comfortable extending this young lady an invitation, were I in your shoes.

tesgirl123 · March 2014

I don't think this is a hard and fast rule. I think you are okay to not invite. In fact, considering that it is illegal, I would not.

Mitch617 · March 2014

I would not invite the GF. The illegal thing is part of the reason but on top of that it would make the rest of the family uncomfortable and invite drama to the wedding. The 20 year old can be invited alone and if he chooses not to go that's fine too.

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

Since this relationship is considered illegal in your state, I absolutely would not invite the GF if I were in your position. "I'm sorry, but the fact that your girlfriend is a minor and under the age of consent in this state, I'm not comfortable with inviting her. I understand if you choose not to attend because of it." That's the verbiage I would go with.

SammiNJonni · March 2014

The relationship being illegal changes things at that point I would not invite the GF.

Another +1 question!

Re: Another +1 question!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards