Inviting kids

Jen4948 · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Then by your reasoning, Jenn, no one under the age of 16 can be in a wedding -- that's the legal age of consent.

You're welcome to your opinion, and you're welcome to disagree with us. You're just not allowed to make up etiquette rules that hew to your opinion. No one died and made you Miss Manners.

Actually, that's not my opinion, which is not based on the legal age of consent, so stop looking to disagree with me by putting words in my mouth. It is based on the mental development and physical capabilities of small children.

And you know something else? Even Miss Manners' opinions on etiquette don't make her Miss Manners and the ruler of etiquette over everyone else. And no one died and made you, @kmmssg, or anyone else the ruler of etiquette either. That particular line makes you sound really sophomoric and juvenile and does nothing for your argument.

I am just as allowed to feel as I do and give the advice I choose to give as everyone else. You are entitled to disagree with it, but you are not entitled to expect me not to give it. End of story.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I didn't say you couldn't give it. None of us said you couldn't give it. What we all said was, 'Stop pretending your opinion has a basis in an etiquette rule.' There's a difference.

You're welcome to believe anything you want; you're not allowed to pretend your beliefs and opinions are fact.

Jen4948 · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I didn't say you couldn't give it. None of us said you couldn't give it. What we all said was, 'Stop pretending your opinion has a basis in an etiquette rule.' There's a difference.

You're welcome to believe anything you want; you're not allowed to pretend your beliefs and opinions are fact.

Neither are you. And your opinions also have no basis in any etiquette rules. Take your own advice.

pumpkinsandturkeys · March 2014

Jen4948 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I didn't say you couldn't give it. None of us said you couldn't give it. What we all said was, 'Stop pretending your opinion has a basis in an etiquette rule.' There's a difference.

You're welcome to believe anything you want; you're not allowed to pretend your beliefs and opinions are fact.

Neither are you. And your opinions also have no basis in any etiquette rules. Take your own advice.

The difference is that HisGirl doesn't tout opinions as etiquette rules, whereas you have.

If you can back up what appears to be your opinion on everyone in the bridal party needing to give consent with a tangible, credible source of etiquette rules, then by all means.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

HAHA! Do you read what I post? Do you really?

I ALWAYS cite my authority -- it's the journalist in me. And my authority is Miss Manners, who's generally regarded as the Queen of Etiquette.

When my opinion differs from standard etiquette, I will give both, and say which is which. I don't pretend my opinions are etiquette facts, because they're not, they're my opinions. And I'm entitled to them -- as you are to yours -- but the difference is, I don't think my opinions apply to everyone else, and you do.

banana468 · March 2014

Anytime you state an opinion as a fact you open the door to being criticized for using your stated opinion as a bogus edict.

Jen, you're doing it again. Your advice is often quite valuable bit when you get on these soapboxes, people will rightfully start to question the validity of your statements.

missmarissa14 · March 2014

Totally agree with @samminjonni - it really depends on the child if they are capable or not.....regardless of age. The original post was really supposed to be about how to go about having some kids at the wedding but not ALL kids and where to draw the line. But I do appreciate input about involving the younger nephew and potential flower girl and how it may or may not work based on their ages. Not something I gave a lot of thought to yet but something I know I will need to address.

indianaalum · March 2014

kmmssg said:

I think it is really important to consider the child and to be REALLY REALLY flexible when it comes time to walk down the aisle. Just the very idea of all those people turning and looking at the child can be very overwhelming. Each child is different. I really think it is a good idea to have a parent there if the child doesn't want to go down the aisle so that they don't have to do it and the parent can come in after the processional is complete.

I have a 5 yo granddaughter who will be her mama's flower girl in June. At 2 or 3 I have no doubt at all she would have loved all that attention and given a command performance going down the aisle. Her brother? He would have been beyond terrified at that age. Know the children and have a backup plan incase they don't want to go down the aisle at the last minute and you will be fine.

I know of one wedding where the RB and FG were pretty young (3 ish maybe?) and the groom was their uncle. He promised them a little surprise if they came down the aisle to see him. When the doors opened, they flew down the aisle and Uncle Groom was crouched down on one knee with a mini-bag of M&M's for each one of them. They sat down with their grandparents and had their snack during the wedding. It made for a super cute wedding picture.

kmmssg said:

This is opinion: "Etiquette does hold that it is not appropriate to use anyone who can't understand what is being asked of them and can't actually do what is required of them without assistance as a wedding party member."

This is published etiquette: "What age produces the desired effect is something the bridal couple may decide."

I have opinions that differ from Miss Manners also but I don't use the phrase "Etiquette does hold that...." when it is opinion and not from the experts. We jump on brides all the time for the differences of etiquette and opinion. This was no different. You said it was your opinion in your last comment

I absolutely agree that wagons are dangerous and should not be used. I also think you have to consider the abilities of the child and what they would be comfortable with. No child should be in a wedding if it will upset them. SOME kids under 3 will be fine, and SOME will not but don't put "etiquette holds....." when it is opinion so you can drive a point home.

AMEN SISTA!!!. That is what I was trying to say!

indianaalum · March 2014

To me, I asked my nieces to be flower girls because I love them and wanted to honor that relationship. To exclude them based on their age would have seemed ridiculous to me...and to choose someone purely because they fit the proper "age requirement" should be MUCH more of an etiquette breach and MUCH more of a "prop move" to pick someone who fit in a certain age range, IMO.

Think about it this way:

Dear Niece,

I love you but you are only 2, so I am going to ask that neighbor kid that I barely know because she is 6...hope you understand" to ME, that seems way more of an etiquette breach because you are following some preconceived notion of what SHOULD happen at your wedding, rather than following your heart and choosing based on connection..

I do not and will never regret choosing them. Did it work out perfectly? no, but it has left me with a story, a connection and pictures to last a lifetime.

Months after my wedding, I picked my niece up for school. When I said my name to the teacher (to clear the pick up), she instantly told me how nice it was to meet me as she heard nothing but my wedding for months from my niece and how all she talked about was how she was going to be my flower girl.

IT brought a smile to my face!!!

My niece who was 2 danced her little heart away ALL night long....and was dancing all the way until the end in her jammies........

please choose from your heart on who should be in your wedding. It may bond you for life.

I read a story not to long ago about a girl who served as a flower girl who asked the BRIDAL COUPLE to be HER "flower girl" when she grew up and got married ...To me, it was extremely sweet to see an old married couple serve in this role to symbolize their connection

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

We are definitely allowing children. Kids have such fun at weddings. Loosen up, folks! The music is loud. You won't even hear them!

Some of my fondest memories are paling around with my cousins at the couple weddings we got to go to and blowing the little mini bubbles the whole time. Those memories stay with you. And we were well-behaved.

Jen4948 · March 2014

mrshutzler said:

We are definitely allowing children. Kids have such fun at weddings. Loosen up, folks! The music is loud. You won't even hear them!

Some of my fondest memories are paling around with my cousins at the couple weddings we got to go to and blowing the little mini bubbles the whole time. Those memories stay with you. And we were well-behaved.

Bullshit. Kids can be louder. Not everyone thinks kids are "fun" at weddings. And those who don't aren't required to "loosen up."

lightningsnow · March 2014

Jen4948 said:

mrshutzler said:

We are definitely allowing children. Kids have such fun at weddings. Loosen up, folks! The music is loud. You won't even hear them!

Some of my fondest memories are paling around with my cousins at the couple weddings we got to go to and blowing the little mini bubbles the whole time. Those memories stay with you. And we were well-behaved.

Bullshit. Kids can be louder. Not everyone thinks kids are "fun" at weddings. And those who don't aren't required to "loosen up."

It's very clear Jen#s that you personally do not like children at weddings.

However, those of us who do like to have children at weddings have the right to say whatever we want about it. You are entitled to your opinion as I am entitled to mine. Some people can not invite children and cause lots of unneeded drama with their family or invite them and have a great time.

Stop trying to push your opinion on this matter. That is what it is, your opinion and that does not make it fact.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

Jen4948 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Then by your reasoning, Jenn, no one under the age of 16 can be in a wedding -- that's the legal age of consent.

You're welcome to your opinion, and you're welcome to disagree with us. You're just not allowed to make up etiquette rules that hew to your opinion. No one died and made you Miss Manners.

Actually, that's not my opinion, which is not based on the legal age of consent, so stop looking to disagree with me by putting words in my mouth. It is based on the mental development and physical capabilities of small children.

And you know something else? Even Miss Manners' opinions on etiquette don't make her Miss Manners and the ruler of etiquette over everyone else. And no one died and made you, @kmmssg, or anyone else the ruler of etiquette either. That particular line makes you sound really sophomoric and juvenile and does nothing for your argument.

I am just as allowed to feel as I do and give the advice I choose to give as everyone else. You are entitled to disagree with it, but you are not entitled to expect me not to give it. End of story.

If we are talking mental and physical capabilities, then what about grandma in a wheelchair? Should she not be in the processional because she physically can't go down the aisle on her own?According to your logic, my good friend's mother shouldn't have been escorted down the aisle in her wheelchair, because she physically could not walk. I'm sure there have been brides or grooms who have had family or friends in their wedding party that had developmental challenges, should they have not been in the wedding either?

You keep saying that etiquette dictates, and everyone else is trying to say etiquette says nothing of the sort. If anything, I think using children for photos when they are not in the wedding party is more of an etiquette breach.

ETA: stupid typos

Jen4948 · March 2014

lightningsnow said:

Jen4948 said:

mrshutzler said:

We are definitely allowing children. Kids have such fun at weddings. Loosen up, folks! The music is loud. You won't even hear them!

Some of my fondest memories are paling around with my cousins at the couple weddings we got to go to and blowing the little mini bubbles the whole time. Those memories stay with you. And we were well-behaved.

Bullshit. Kids can be louder. Not everyone thinks kids are "fun" at weddings. And those who don't aren't required to "loosen up."

It's very clear Jen#s that you personally do not like children at weddings.

However, those of us who do like to have children at weddings have the right to say whatever we want about it. You are entitled to your opinion as I am entitled to mine. Some people can not invite children and cause lots of unneeded drama with their family or invite them and have a great time.

Stop trying to push your opinion on this matter. That is what it is, your opinion and that does not make it fact.

Sorry, but no. Like you said, I am as entitled to my opinion as you are to yours. I don't agree that those who don't want to invite children have to "loosen up" and invite them. Get over it. And the "family drama" ? That's the result of people who rudely believe that they are entitled to bring their children everywhere they are invited to-and they are the ones being rude to create unnecessary drama. The fact that you prefer to give in to them does not require anyone else to do the same.

lightningsnow · March 2014

Jen4948 said:

lightningsnow said:

Jen4948 said:

mrshutzler said:

We are definitely allowing children. Kids have such fun at weddings. Loosen up, folks! The music is loud. You won't even hear them!

Some of my fondest memories are paling around with my cousins at the couple weddings we got to go to and blowing the little mini bubbles the whole time. Those memories stay with you. And we were well-behaved.

Bullshit. Kids can be louder. Not everyone thinks kids are "fun" at weddings. And those who don't aren't required to "loosen up."

It's very clear Jen#s that you personally do not like children at weddings.

However, those of us who do like to have children at weddings have the right to say whatever we want about it. You are entitled to your opinion as I am entitled to mine. Some people can not invite children and cause lots of unneeded drama with their family or invite them and have a great time.

Stop trying to push your opinion on this matter. That is what it is, your opinion and that does not make it fact.

Sorry, but no. Like you said, I am as entitled to my opinion as you are to yours. I don't agree that those who don't want to invite children have to "loosen up" and invite them. Get over it. And the "family drama" ? That's the result of people who rudely believe that they are entitled to bring their children everywhere they are invited to-and they are the ones being rude to create unnecessary drama. The fact that you prefer to give in to them does not require anyone else to do the same.

When your family consists of a lot of children, not inviting them is seen as a big offense. Trust me, I saw it first hand when my cousin decided to pull that shit. It has nothing to do with the parents believing they are entitled to bring their children everywhere they are invited. It has everything to do with growing up in a family where children were included at weddings. To go against that is seen as offensive and causes a great deal of drama.

I prefer to have a fun time with my cousins, my nieces and my nephews. I've been to weddings that were adult only and I didn't have as much of a fun time as when kids were invited.

Let me put this into perspective for you: I have 10 cousins and they all have kids, all on my mother's side. Some more than one. If I had an adult only event, they wouldn't be too happy considering the fact that most weddings in my family are child friendly events. It would cause so much drama I would never hear the end of it. Also, when my parents got married when I was three, it was a child friendly wedding and we all had a great time. There are plenty of pictures from that night with all of us cousins and such.

Jen4948 · March 2014

lightningsnow said:

Jen4948 said:

lightningsnow said:

Jen4948 said:

mrshutzler said:

We are definitely allowing children. Kids have such fun at weddings. Loosen up, folks! The music is loud. You won't even hear them!

Some of my fondest memories are paling around with my cousins at the couple weddings we got to go to and blowing the little mini bubbles the whole time. Those memories stay with you. And we were well-behaved.

Bullshit. Kids can be louder. Not everyone thinks kids are "fun" at weddings. And those who don't aren't required to "loosen up."

It's very clear Jen#s that you personally do not like children at weddings.

However, those of us who do like to have children at weddings have the right to say whatever we want about it. You are entitled to your opinion as I am entitled to mine. Some people can not invite children and cause lots of unneeded drama with their family or invite them and have a great time.

Stop trying to push your opinion on this matter. That is what it is, your opinion and that does not make it fact.

Sorry, but no. Like you said, I am as entitled to my opinion as you are to yours. I don't agree that those who don't want to invite children have to "loosen up" and invite them. Get over it. And the "family drama" ? That's the result of people who rudely believe that they are entitled to bring their children everywhere they are invited to-and they are the ones being rude to create unnecessary drama. The fact that you prefer to give in to them does not require anyone else to do the same.

When your family consists of a lot of children, not inviting them is seen as a big offense. Trust me, I saw it first hand when my cousin decided to pull that shit. It has nothing to do with the parents believing they are entitled to bring their children everywhere they are invited. It has everything to do with growing up in a family where children were included at weddings. To go against that is seen as offensive and causes a great deal of drama.

I prefer to have a fun time with my cousins, my nieces and my nephews. I've been to weddings that were adult only and I didn't have as much of a fun time as when kids were invited.

Let me put this into perspective for you: I have 10 cousins and they all have kids, all on my mother's side. Some more than one. If I had an adult only event, they wouldn't be too happy considering the fact that most weddings in my family are child friendly events. It would cause so much drama I would never hear the end of it. Also, when my parents got married when I was three, it was a child friendly wedding and we all had a great time. There are plenty of pictures from that night with all of us cousins and such.

I have 2 brothers and lots of cousins with kids too, so I don't need your perspective. Like I said, if you want to invite kids, fine. But, you have no right to expect everyone else in the world to want to have a kid-friendly wedding. The fact that your own family does not work that way does not exempt you from respecting the wishes of those who do not and not expect to bring your own kids or make any kind of drama when they are not invited.

lightningsnow · March 2014

Jen4948 said:

lightningsnow said:

Jen4948 said:

lightningsnow said:

Jen4948 said:

mrshutzler said:

We are definitely allowing children. Kids have such fun at weddings. Loosen up, folks! The music is loud. You won't even hear them!

Some of my fondest memories are paling around with my cousins at the couple weddings we got to go to and blowing the little mini bubbles the whole time. Those memories stay with you. And we were well-behaved.

Bullshit. Kids can be louder. Not everyone thinks kids are "fun" at weddings. And those who don't aren't required to "loosen up."

It's very clear Jen#s that you personally do not like children at weddings.

However, those of us who do like to have children at weddings have the right to say whatever we want about it. You are entitled to your opinion as I am entitled to mine. Some people can not invite children and cause lots of unneeded drama with their family or invite them and have a great time.

Stop trying to push your opinion on this matter. That is what it is, your opinion and that does not make it fact.

Sorry, but no. Like you said, I am as entitled to my opinion as you are to yours. I don't agree that those who don't want to invite children have to "loosen up" and invite them. Get over it. And the "family drama" ? That's the result of people who rudely believe that they are entitled to bring their children everywhere they are invited to-and they are the ones being rude to create unnecessary drama. The fact that you prefer to give in to them does not require anyone else to do the same.

When your family consists of a lot of children, not inviting them is seen as a big offense. Trust me, I saw it first hand when my cousin decided to pull that shit. It has nothing to do with the parents believing they are entitled to bring their children everywhere they are invited. It has everything to do with growing up in a family where children were included at weddings. To go against that is seen as offensive and causes a great deal of drama.

I prefer to have a fun time with my cousins, my nieces and my nephews. I've been to weddings that were adult only and I didn't have as much of a fun time as when kids were invited.

Let me put this into perspective for you: I have 10 cousins and they all have kids, all on my mother's side. Some more than one. If I had an adult only event, they wouldn't be too happy considering the fact that most weddings in my family are child friendly events. It would cause so much drama I would never hear the end of it. Also, when my parents got married when I was three, it was a child friendly wedding and we all had a great time. There are plenty of pictures from that night with all of us cousins and such.

I have 2 brothers and lots of cousins with kids too, so I don't need your perspective. Like I said, if you want to invite kids, fine. But, you have no right to expect everyone else in the world to want to have a kid-friendly wedding. The fact that your own family does not work that way does not exempt you from respecting the wishes of those who do not and not expect to bring your own kids or make any kind of drama when they are not invited.

You're right. The difference being that I don't expect everyone to have a kid-friendly wedding. It works out for some people and sometimes not so much.

I was merely pointing out that you have your opinion on this matter and you keep pushing it as fact when it is not.

If and when I have children, if they are not invited I will do what I can to make sure we have child care. If not, then we don't go. But in my family, child friendly weddings are more common than adult only weddings.

Jen4948 · March 2014

lightningsnow said:

Jen4948 said:

lightningsnow said:

Jen4948 said:

lightningsnow said:

Jen4948 said:

mrshutzler said:

We are definitely allowing children. Kids have such fun at weddings. Loosen up, folks! The music is loud. You won't even hear them!

Some of my fondest memories are paling around with my cousins at the couple weddings we got to go to and blowing the little mini bubbles the whole time. Those memories stay with you. And we were well-behaved.

Bullshit. Kids can be louder. Not everyone thinks kids are "fun" at weddings. And those who don't aren't required to "loosen up."

It's very clear Jen#s that you personally do not like children at weddings.

However, those of us who do like to have children at weddings have the right to say whatever we want about it. You are entitled to your opinion as I am entitled to mine. Some people can not invite children and cause lots of unneeded drama with their family or invite them and have a great time.

Stop trying to push your opinion on this matter. That is what it is, your opinion and that does not make it fact.

Sorry, but no. Like you said, I am as entitled to my opinion as you are to yours. I don't agree that those who don't want to invite children have to "loosen up" and invite them. Get over it. And the "family drama" ? That's the result of people who rudely believe that they are entitled to bring their children everywhere they are invited to-and they are the ones being rude to create unnecessary drama. The fact that you prefer to give in to them does not require anyone else to do the same.

When your family consists of a lot of children, not inviting them is seen as a big offense. Trust me, I saw it first hand when my cousin decided to pull that shit. It has nothing to do with the parents believing they are entitled to bring their children everywhere they are invited. It has everything to do with growing up in a family where children were included at weddings. To go against that is seen as offensive and causes a great deal of drama.

I prefer to have a fun time with my cousins, my nieces and my nephews. I've been to weddings that were adult only and I didn't have as much of a fun time as when kids were invited.

Let me put this into perspective for you: I have 10 cousins and they all have kids, all on my mother's side. Some more than one. If I had an adult only event, they wouldn't be too happy considering the fact that most weddings in my family are child friendly events. It would cause so much drama I would never hear the end of it. Also, when my parents got married when I was three, it was a child friendly wedding and we all had a great time. There are plenty of pictures from that night with all of us cousins and such.

I have 2 brothers and lots of cousins with kids too, so I don't need your perspective. Like I said, if you want to invite kids, fine. But, you have no right to expect everyone else in the world to want to have a kid-friendly wedding. The fact that your own family does not work that way does not exempt you from respecting the wishes of those who do not and not expect to bring your own kids or make any kind of drama when they are not invited.

You're right. The difference being that I don't expect everyone to have a kid-friendly wedding. It works out for some people and sometimes not so much.

I was merely pointing out that you have your opinion on this matter and you keep pushing it as fact when it is not.

If and when I have children, if they are not invited I will do what I can to make sure we have child care. If not, then we don't go. But in my family, child friendly weddings are more common than adult only weddings.

I do not push it as fact. But the fact is that not all couples want to invite children to their weddings and all guests need to respect that rather than causing drama or making bullshit claims like "you'll never hear/notice them." Kids do act up sometimes, and they do get noticed when they do.

missmarissa14 · March 2014

It's two fold. Someone might be at a kid friendly wedding and wish they didn't have to sit next to little Johnny whining. Then again, someone might go to an adult - only wedding and have the burden of needing to find child care or missing the wedding all together because they couldn't find a sitter. Ultimately, it's impossible to please every single person. But for a wedding, I think it's really what the bride and groom want and every guest needs to respect their decision. After starting this discussion and talking with the FI, we are planning on only inviting children of family and WP. Won't be that many anyway and non - family children aren't necessary guests. If we had children and were invited a friend's wedding it might be nice for the 2 of us to go out alone anyway.

NYCBruin · March 2014

lightningsnow said:

Jen4948 said:

lightningsnow said:

Jen4948 said:

mrshutzler said:

We are definitely allowing children. Kids have such fun at weddings. Loosen up, folks! The music is loud. You won't even hear them!

Some of my fondest memories are paling around with my cousins at the couple weddings we got to go to and blowing the little mini bubbles the whole time. Those memories stay with you. And we were well-behaved.

Bullshit. Kids can be louder. Not everyone thinks kids are "fun" at weddings. And those who don't aren't required to "loosen up."

It's very clear Jen#s that you personally do not like children at weddings.

However, those of us who do like to have children at weddings have the right to say whatever we want about it. You are entitled to your opinion as I am entitled to mine. Some people can not invite children and cause lots of unneeded drama with their family or invite them and have a great time.

Stop trying to push your opinion on this matter. That is what it is, your opinion and that does not make it fact.

Sorry, but no. Like you said, I am as entitled to my opinion as you are to yours. I don't agree that those who don't want to invite children have to "loosen up" and invite them. Get over it. And the "family drama" ? That's the result of people who rudely believe that they are entitled to bring their children everywhere they are invited to-and they are the ones being rude to create unnecessary drama. The fact that you prefer to give in to them does not require anyone else to do the same.

When your family consists of a lot of children, not inviting them is seen as a big offense. Trust me, I saw it first hand when my cousin decided to pull that shit. It has nothing to do with the parents believing they are entitled to bring their children everywhere they are invited. It has everything to do with growing up in a family where children were included at weddings. To go against that is seen as offensive and causes a great deal of drama.

I prefer to have a fun time with my cousins, my nieces and my nephews. I've been to weddings that were adult only and I didn't have as much of a fun time as when kids were invited.

Let me put this into perspective for you: I have 10 cousins and they all have kids, all on my mother's side. Some more than one. If I had an adult only event, they wouldn't be too happy considering the fact that most weddings in my family are child friendly events. It would cause so much drama I would never hear the end of it. Also, when my parents got married when I was three, it was a child friendly wedding and we all had a great time. There are plenty of pictures from that night with all of us cousins and such.

The bold is not universally true and it's not really fair to suggest it is. Inviting kids to weddings is something your family does, not something everyone with lots of kids in the family does. Trust me, I have tons of cousins and there were plenty of weddings none of us were invited to as children and our parents certainly didn't take offense.

There is no etiquette that says you need to invite children. People who don't choose to invite children don't need to give a reason. Sure, from a family dynamic standpoint there may be some hurt feelings if you don't invite children when that's your family's tradition, but from an etiquette standpoint, doing so is no less rude than deciding you'd like to break from any family tradition. Just like it would be unfair of your mother to be upset that you broke the "tradition" of wearing your great-great grandmother's dress, it is unfair of parents with uninvited children to be upset because their children had been included in the past.

buddysmom80 · March 2014

I would've loved to invite kids to my wedding, but my venue was charging $50 a plate for chicken fingers and french fries so yeah, no.

Also our wedding is at 6pm-midnight so that's past a lot of kids bedtimes. I know I'm doing the right thing because cranky kids = unhappy parents = unhappy guests.

Tradition =/= etiquette

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

Jen4948 said:

mrshutzler said:

We are definitely allowing children. Kids have such fun at weddings. Loosen up, folks! The music is loud. You won't even hear them!

Some of my fondest memories are paling around with my cousins at the couple weddings we got to go to and blowing the little mini bubbles the whole time. Those memories stay with you. And we were well-behaved.

Bullshit. Kids can be louder. Not everyone thinks kids are "fun" at weddings. And those who don't aren't required to "loosen up."

I have been to lots of weddings. Fancy weddings, weddings done on the cheap, and everything in between. Weddings are traditionally a "whole village" party involving everyone from the very young to the very old. They are for joy and celebration. The kids dance with relatives, if the reception is outside, they play. In general they have fun and make merry, which is a perfectly innocent thing to do. I have never seen a small group of children at a wedding cause a problem or make any noise louder than laughter. I have, however, seen some very badly-behaved adults make some terrible speeches and in general make fools of themselves. Don't think that kids have the corner on the bad behavior market. They don't.

If a wedding is at night, most people will swing for a babysitter anyway if they have young children. I personally don't like late-night weddings because I get up at the crack of dawn for my fiance's job (teacher) so going to bed early is a well-established habit that is tough to break even if we don't have to go anywhere the next day. I'm yawning at 8pm. I understand that most people aren't this way, though. I used to be able to party until the wee hours back in college. I guess what I'm saying is that no, it's not super common for weddings to exclude children, but there are ways to do it if you really would like to, and I'm sure if you word the invites properly, nobody will be butthurt about it... and if they are it will be short-lived.

I've seen some of the most genuinely joyful candid photos taken at daytime receptions that allowed children, and all the weddings I've seen have included them. A wedding photographer friend of mine agrees that they are almost always present at daytime receptions, but less so at night.

Note: if you do decide to exclude children from the reception, it is probably in poor taste to have a ring-bearer and/or flower girl...

missmarissa14 · March 2014

@mrshutzler I agree except our ring bearer is our nephew so I don't believe it would be in bad taste to have him at the reception. He is close family. My fiance's old college friend's kid on the other hand....not so much. That's the reason we decided to limit children to family and anyone in the WP who has a child. There is one bridesmaid and the best man who both have a child and coming from out of town....we can't expect them to leave their children home.

missmarissa14 · March 2014

And as buddysmom80 said....it can be expensive for a child plate too. Also, we don't have an exact time nailed down yet but expecting our reception to end around 11 pm which is past many kid's bedtimes.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

@missmarissa14 Well if you're picking and choosing kids, you've got your work cut out. Good luck! I don't envy all the explaining you're going to be doing. People are weird about their kids.

Note: I do understand that some kids can be a royal pain in the ass. We have one of those in the family but thankfully he's not coming.

NYCBruin · March 2014

mrshutzler said:

@missmarissa14 Well if you're picking and choosing kids, you've got your work cut out. Good luck! I don't envy all the explaining you're going to be doing.

Note: I do understand that some kids can be a royal pain in the ass. We have one of those in the family but thankfully he's not coming.

Why on earth would she need to explain anything to anyone?

Who is on the guest list is no one else's business. Invitations are addressed only to those who are invited. If someone RSVPs for their little darling who wasn't invited, she can just call them up and say "I'm sorry for the confusion, but the invitation was only for you and so and so"

crunchymamaof2 · March 2014

So should I not take our 1 and 4 year olds to disneyworld because the little one may not remember it? @jen4948 why not just provide a source for what you deem to be proper etiquette? Because otherwise you're doing what I've seen you argue with others about- thinking their opinion is fact when it is indeed just an opinion. Many of your points make sense but touting them as the only right way makes you appear not credible.

Both our sons and our sons best girl friend, who is also 4, were in our wedding. My moh carried our youngest down the aisle and then all 3 kids sat with family. They posed for pictures and that was it.

As for the original question, I'm in the camp of not having some arbitrary age cut off for kids. Having one makes it too easy to split families IMO. I considered children the same as adults when making our guest list. Those we had a relationship with we're invited and those we didn't weren't. So most of my husband's coworkers' kids weren't invited, and many of our mutual friends' kids were. Invite the kids you want there and don't split families or overthink it. Just be prepared for some not to attend if you don't invite their kids and be aware of those. Traveling, etc.

missmarissa14 · March 2014

Maybe but I think I'm keeping it pretty simple. Family? Invited. Not family? Not invited. Also, I can't have our nephew be a ring bearer and then expect his Mother (one of my BMs) to take him elsewhere and find a sitter.

NYCBruin · March 2014

missmarissa14 said:

Maybe but I think I'm keeping it pretty simple. Family? Invited. Not family? Not invited. Also, I can't have our nephew be a ring bearer and then expect his Mother (one of my BMs) to take him elsewhere and find a sitter.

Just in case lurkers are reading this, if you invite someone to the ceremony, they must be invited to the reception (this includes children and ESPECIALLY children who are part of the wedding party).

lightningsnow · March 2014

NYCBruin said:

lightningsnow said:

Jen4948 said:

lightningsnow said:

Jen4948 said:

mrshutzler said:

We are definitely allowing children. Kids have such fun at weddings. Loosen up, folks! The music is loud. You won't even hear them!

Some of my fondest memories are paling around with my cousins at the couple weddings we got to go to and blowing the little mini bubbles the whole time. Those memories stay with you. And we were well-behaved.

Bullshit. Kids can be louder. Not everyone thinks kids are "fun" at weddings. And those who don't aren't required to "loosen up."

It's very clear Jen#s that you personally do not like children at weddings.

However, those of us who do like to have children at weddings have the right to say whatever we want about it. You are entitled to your opinion as I am entitled to mine. Some people can not invite children and cause lots of unneeded drama with their family or invite them and have a great time.

Stop trying to push your opinion on this matter. That is what it is, your opinion and that does not make it fact.

Sorry, but no. Like you said, I am as entitled to my opinion as you are to yours. I don't agree that those who don't want to invite children have to "loosen up" and invite them. Get over it. And the "family drama" ? That's the result of people who rudely believe that they are entitled to bring their children everywhere they are invited to-and they are the ones being rude to create unnecessary drama. The fact that you prefer to give in to them does not require anyone else to do the same.

When your family consists of a lot of children, not inviting them is seen as a big offense. Trust me, I saw it first hand when my cousin decided to pull that shit. It has nothing to do with the parents believing they are entitled to bring their children everywhere they are invited. It has everything to do with growing up in a family where children were included at weddings. To go against that is seen as offensive and causes a great deal of drama.

I prefer to have a fun time with my cousins, my nieces and my nephews. I've been to weddings that were adult only and I didn't have as much of a fun time as when kids were invited.

Let me put this into perspective for you: I have 10 cousins and they all have kids, all on my mother's side. Some more than one. If I had an adult only event, they wouldn't be too happy considering the fact that most weddings in my family are child friendly events. It would cause so much drama I would never hear the end of it. Also, when my parents got married when I was three, it was a child friendly wedding and we all had a great time. There are plenty of pictures from that night with all of us cousins and such.

The bold is not universally true and it's not really fair to suggest it is. Inviting kids to weddings is something your family does, not something everyone with lots of kids in the family does. Trust me, I have tons of cousins and there were plenty of weddings none of us were invited to as children and our parents certainly didn't take offense.

There is no etiquette that says you need to invite children. People who don't choose to invite children don't need to give a reason. Sure, from a family dynamic standpoint there may be some hurt feelings if you don't invite children when that's your family's tradition, but from an etiquette standpoint, doing so is no less rude than deciding you'd like to break from any family tradition. Just like it would be unfair of your mother to be upset that you broke the "tradition" of wearing your great-great grandmother's dress, it is unfair of parents with uninvited children to be upset because their children had been included in the past.

As I stated, that is how my family goes about weddings. Considering the fact that I'm not even engaged yet, majority of the kids we will be inviting are going to be in their pre-teens to teenage years. Either way, I am well aware of the etiquette that states it is not rude to not invite children. In my family it is seen as rude.

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