Giving Up Your Maiden Name

katiedupree · March 2014

Has anyone else found it extremely difficult to part ways with their maiden name? I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. All of my life I have been known as one last name and all of a sudden I'm supposed to just tack another one on to the end of mine and go by that instead? Nope. Sorry. I have no problem spending the rest of my life with you, but you signed up to spend your life with ME and part of ME is my last name. Under that name I have grown up and become a strong, independent woman. It's not even like I should be super proud to have my last name either since a lot of relatives have criminal records or bad reputations. Regardless, my name is where I came from. I feel like if I change my name I will be giving myself up and will just be "Mr. John Doe's wife." I'm my own person, not an accessory. I was always the girl that my teammates and friends called by my last name. Kind of hard to do that now. My husband does not understand my feelings. This is probably because men do not have to change their names and if it doesn't affect them, then they don't get it. Besides, why do women have to change their names? Times are a-changin. Screw you hubs, YOU change YOUR name. Of course, this is ridiculous to feel this way but I still do. Just wondering if anyone out there is having similar problems...

emmyg65 · March 2014

It is not ridiculous to feel that way. In fact, it's perfectly reasonable. It would be one thing if you were happy to change your name, but you're very much not.

A great way to get your husband to understand that is to ask him to change his name. He'll likely be surprised and say no! Why should he imagine you feel any differently?

FWIW, I'd never marry a guy who insisted I change my name. It is my choice, and mine alone.

katiedupree · March 2014

glad I'm not the only one. It's funny you say that, because I did actually ask him that! He just stared at me like I had five heads haha. He was upset at first that I didn't want to change it but he came around. Mostly, I guess I'm just dealing with the guilt that I SHOULD change it. I also kind of feel like a bad wife for not wanting to change it. I'm just a brat like that I guess.

JeeGooDowster · March 2014

You're not a bad wife!! My dad has 3 daughters and there is no one to carry out his name. I agree with you that you have been known as FirstName MaidenName your whole life. As of now, I'm keeping my last name but I don't mind if people address us as "Mr.&Mrs. HisLastName"...or when we have children we will be known as the "HisLastName Family" Maybe that can be a good compromise....or maybe change your last name to your middle name...so that it's always a part of you?

cruffino · March 2014

I've been having a difficult time with this too. I want to keep my name. I thought I would compromise by moving my maiden name to my middle name, and taking his last name, but now that doesn't feel right.

So for right now I'm just leaving my name as is. Maybe when/if we have a child I'll make a change so we can all share a name, but for now, no changes!

Ven&Radio · March 2014

It's perfectly ok to feel the way you do. In our society, it traditional for the woman to take the man's last name after marriage. However, I strongly believe in questioning tradition and doing what feels right for you/your situation. If taking your FH's last name doesn't feel right, you shouldn't do it. Hopefully your FI will come around with a little time and discussion on the matter.

levieenrose · March 2014

I'm keeping my last name and am proud of it! To me, it feels too submissive to take his last name.

Unfortunately, I have a long first name and a long last name that is already somewhat ridiculous. Having a hyphened last name would have been just absurd. It would be nice to have a shorter and more pronounceable name like his, and it would nice to be a "Mrs.," but when I think about actually changing it, it just feels very wrong to me.

Our kids will take his last name and I don't think I'll mind being referred to accidentally as "Mrs. So-and-so." I'm not going to be militant about it, because it's an identity choice for me and doesn't matter to me if other people really get that (besides my FH and employers, I suppose). We are a unit, but I am still and will always be myself.

thejucheidea · March 2014

I made my maiden name my middle name and took my husband's name. I feel like I managed to keep my past and future tied together rather well -- I'm still reppin' my dad while showing that I'm part of my husband's totally awesome family.

MadHops21 · March 2014

I've had stomach dropping moments thinking about changing my last name. My older brothers and parents and sister are still under "Smith", and I would be the only one changing the name. It partly feels like I'll be the loner in the family, but I want to take FI's last name as my only name. Just feels like I'm losing an identity almost.

Hysilvinialithibel · April 2014

Musikalbunni said:

I actually was on board with changing my last name to my FI's last name, but then I got cold feet too. I was just going to make my last name my middle name and take his as my last name. But it didn't feel right to change it. At least for me. Nothing about career or anything - it just didn't feel right.

So I spoke with my fiance and I told him how I felt. So he said, "well let's take each others last name and that way we are both changing something."

So we are now both changing our last names.
So do what feels right for you. My parents welcomed our idea with open arms - his parents not so much. But it's not up to them to decide what I choose to be my last name.

I would ideally like to do this, or next best add his last name as a second last name. However he's not into the first because he's a "3rd" and wants to name his future son "4th." So, being the X Y family won't really work if the first son (if we have one) and husband are just Y.

Does anyone have experience with using two last names (just myself, not the whole family)? I'm the last X, brother is gone and no cousins on that side. Could I be Mrs. X Y if he is just Mr. Y?

Third choice would be to make X my second middle name and go by Mrs. Y. I feel like I should have this all figured out by now but I am stuck.

emmyg65 · April 2014

We call ourselves the X Y family, even though I'm only X and my DH is only Y, and our kid(s) will be X-Y.

I have a coworker who did the two last names and from an outsider's perspective, it's surprisingly confusing and people get it wrong most of the time. If you're comfortable with that (she's really easy-going), then it's not a problem! I believe her husband just kept his name.

carliealissa · April 2014

I am really in conflict too. I love monograms and have registered for a bunch of things that use our first initials and his last initial. I even bought one of those wedding dress hangers that says "Mrs. Y". Part of me is excited about the prospect of taking his name and becoming part of his family. I have always loved my name though and the closer we get, I really don't think I can give it up (long and difficult- hyphenating not an option). At this rate it looks like I'll be keeping Ms. X but going by Mrs. Y socially and being the Y family.. probably totally weird but so far it's the best I can come up with.

terebah · April 2014

I have been married before and I have changed my last name and changed it back so many times that for this wedding, I really want to keep my last name. He really wants me to change my name though and so I don't know what I should do. I don't want to go through all the paperwork again and I can't even bring myself to say my first name and my fiance's last name. I like my last name and his is so common that I don't want to be just another Smith. My family is the only family in the country that has our name and I want to keep it. I am just as lost and confused. I feel like I am disrespecting him by not taking it when I have taken my past husband's name. I am sure I will figure it out.

emmyg65 · April 2014

He's disrespecting you by pressuring you and not listening to your feelings. It's your name and your decision.

larrygaga · April 2014

To me, it's just a name. I want to share the same name as my husband and I hate my maiden name. It's awful and I'm so sick of getting teased about it.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

I don't see it as "giving up my name." I see it as starting a new family and sharing a common name. I thought about taking my maiden as my middle name, but THAT was harder for me to stomach - my middle name is something my parents chose specifically for me. My last name is not - it was just what stated that I belonged to their family. Now we're our own, so I'm happy to choose to take FI's name. Would be equally happy with him taking mine or both choosing something new, and I don't judge people who do differently. This is just what feels right to us.

harper0813 · April 2014

Eight months later, I still feel like an impostor with my new last name, but I'm getting used to saying it. My husband will still introduce me (like when we signing in at an event or something) with my maiden name and we have a good laugh over it. But in the months leading up to the wedding, I got a little emotional about losing my maiden name, since it sounded so great with my first name and my new one, frankly, doesn't sound as good. But I reconciled with my new last name when I realized I'm the only Google-able person with my name.

It gets better!

majesty318 · May 2014

We just got married last week and I really can't decide. My H is leaving it totally up to me. My last name is Italian and complicated and as a kid, I hated it - no one could pronounce it. But as I grew up I started to find it beautiful. Also, it is pretty rare so I like the idea of keeping it. But then sometimes I think it would be nice to share a name with my H. We aren't going on our honeymoon for another 2 months and everything is booked in my maiden name, so I am definitely not deciding until after that.

rsbloom · May 2014

I reeeeally don't want to change my name, I love my name and I'm still going to go by my last name professionally. I haven't decided yet what to do. I'm leaning towards hyphenating right now. My FI gets offended when I bring up that I don't want to change my name, like if it means I don't want ot be part of his family. I have no problem being called Mr. X and Ms. Y, but he doesn't like it.

Our kids would just have his name though. I'm a teacher and school-wise double last names for kids are always a hassle-you don't get the kids full first name on rosters and it doesn't fit into forms you have to fill out, which is why I'm fine with just his last name for the kids.

On another note, I had a friend's parents change their last name to an ancestor's last name that they liked better than either of their own. So still a family name, just not immediate family.

CamiSelene · May 2014

I considered keeping my maiden name because I started it's what I've known my whole life and I started my teaching career as Miss CamiSelene but as I thought about it more, it was like lolo said, I don't see it as "giving up my name" anymore. I see it as starting up a new chapter in my life that involves starting a family with FI. I want to have the same last name as my children and I want them to have FI's last name. I don't like the idea of changing my middle name either because my middle name was given to me in honour of my dad's baby sister who died at 3 months old.

FI and I did discuss him taking my name but ultimately decided that would just be too weird because he and my brother have the same first name. Talk about awkward!

PrincessOfHavoc · May 2014

DF and I personally prefer to have the same last name. That's just us, others can use whatever name they like.

However, his LN with my name is awesome but a character name. I don't want 50 years of that. So he's taking my name. Or we may both go to his mother's maiden name. Or create a new one.

April192002 · June 2014

I'm a little torn on what to do with my name. My son has my maiden name and I changed my name with my first marriage (my son was 5 and didn't have any 'are you his mother' issues). I'm back to my maiden name and now having to decide what I want to do (my son's 12 now). FI wants me to completely drop my maiden name but I'm thinking about adding it as a 2nd middle name, as my middle was my Grandma's name and it's become part of a nick name from FI. I'm sure once the day comes I'll figure something out, even if FI doesn't fully agree.

wandajune6 · June 2014

I have no idea what I'll do. My mom used her maiden name professionally and used Mrs. HisName socially. My sister planned to change her name but got cold feet. FI would never change his name- he's proud of it and has a teen son with the same name. He says that he supports whatever I choose but I know he wants me to change it. I also know that his family will be upset if I don't take the family name. His son thinks my name is ugly and that I should change it.

My dad's name is an Americanized German name that's very rare. There are about 70 of us in the US and they're all related to me. The name is dying out and my dad's the only guy on his side and has no sons. I love my name and hate the idea of losing it.

To make it more difficult, I already have 2 middle names. My parents wanted both LNs in our names but without hyphens so I'm Wandajune6 Rachel Mom'sMaiden DadsLast. I don't think my mom's maiden shows up on most legal documents though.

I've thought about going with Wandajune6 Maiden FI'sName but that's a mouthful. Plus, I'm then losing 2 names rather than just one. I love the idea of having FI's name but the idea of it still turns my stomach a bit.

MaryGraceRich · June 2014

I always said I super excited to change my name. After I started the process it hurt a little to not share a name with my family anymore. I am pretty close to my dad and I think it bothers him too. He started asking me if my licemse has come with my new name on it yet or if j have had to sign anything with it yet.
That being said it was very important to my H and I am getting more used to it everyday. I like being his Mrs and it is a beautiful last name. Its just hard to let go.

SailorK+BlueRanger · June 2014

I was recently having these feelings exactly.

I've fallen in love with my own last name over the years. And it's pretty cool.

And I still don't want to give it up.

So I'm not. Well not exactly. I am taking his last name and keeping my maiden name in as another middle name.

And I take heart in knowing if I ever do become a published author, I'll be using my maiden name for my pen name.

MegEn1 · June 2014

I am excited to change my last name. While I love my name, and while there's not really anyone left to carry on the name, I'm excited to be joining his family. But my case is unique - his family is large and very tight, mine is small and we don't really talk to each other much. If things were the other way around, I don't know how I'd feel. Don't treat your feelings on the matter as insignificant, whatever they may be.

dfw1964 · July 2014

When I married the first time I just added his last name to my name It is very long having 2 last names so I only sign with his. We had 2 kids together and he passed away some time ago, but our kids are still young and at home. I recently married again, and my daughter is very upset that my name will not be the same as hers if I take my new husbands last name. For now I have not changed anything legally, however I am debating dropping my maiden name and adding the new last name to my name. I haven't made a decision yet, but it can be a very difficult thing to determine.

princessleia22 · July 2014

zobird said:

Eight months later, I still feel like an impostor with my new last name, but I'm getting used to saying it. My husband will still introduce me (like when we signing in at an event or something) with my maiden name and we have a good laugh over it. But in the months leading up to the wedding, I got a little emotional about losing my maiden name, since it sounded so great with my first name and my new one, frankly, doesn't sound as good. But I reconciled with my new last name when I realized I'm the only Google-able person with my name.

It gets better!

My name is a common name. So much so, that I've even sat right next to someone on an airplane that had my first & last name. His name isn't a difficult name, but definitely less common. For wedding registry, I told everyone to search by his name. If you searched my name, you got 24 pages of entries, but with his name you got a total of 2 results. So, I agree that there are some definite advantages to taking husbands less common name. My new name isn't the only one that comes up on google, but there are very few. And I even was able to get the .com website domain for my new first & last name! With my maiden name, I had tried every possible combination of my name, including nicknames, and everything was taken.

If it were just my decision alone, I would probably either keep my maiden name or hyphenate, mainly because I've build my career on my maiden name. And after a 15 year established career and professional licenses, it gets more complicated to change my name and re-establish myself or to expect all my business associates and clients to change all the contact info. But, it really isn't any more complicated for them than if I were to move to a new office. And it's not just my decision. My husband feels pretty strongly about me taking his name. I'm attached to my maiden name, but my hesitation is more about the logistics of changing it than about any personal attachment to it. And he feels more strongly about me taking his name than I do about keeping mine. So, I do plan to change it just because I know it's important to him and I figure making him happy is worth the trouble. I don't care enough about keeping it to upset him over it. Plus, I do think it makes things easier as a couple to have the same last name. Although, even though I legally change to his name and all my professional licenses will change, I'm debating still signing things hyphenated at work, at least in the short term, to help clients & associates transition or keep that business connection to my maiden name. I would still use his name for everything else outside of work.

MollyandD · July 2014

rsbloom said:

I reeeeally don't want to change my name, I love my name and I'm still going to go by my last name professionally. I haven't decided yet what to do. I'm leaning towards hyphenating right now. My FI gets offended when I bring up that I don't want to change my name, like if it means I don't want ot be part of his family. I have no problem being called Mr. X and Ms. Y, but he doesn't like it.

Our kids would just have his name though. I'm a teacher and school-wise double last names for kids are always a hassle-you don't get the kids full first name on rosters and it doesn't fit into forms you have to fill out, which is why I'm fine with just his last name for the kids.

On another note, I had a friend's parents change their last name to an ancestor's last name that they liked better than either of their own. So still a family name, just not immediate family.

My husband thought it was weird at first that I didn't want to take his name. I asked him to take mine, so we would share a name. He now 100% understands why I won't change mine. I hyphenated on the marriage certificate, but don't plan to change it any time soon.

I'm a teacher as well, and I write my last name on everything. It's special to me.

pintSizeSlasher · July 2014

I had a really tough time with this. I waited till I was in my 30s to get married, and have established my career with my maiden name. Our family has a coat of arms and a clan tartan and still have land and relatives in Ireland with the same name. I am proud of my family history and my name is easily identifiable as Irish--why would I want to take a German last name when I am not of German descent?

Also, the whole tradition of women changing their last name in the first place sickens me--the transfer of ownership of property from father to husband. I don't like contributing to that tradition.

However... after much thought and about six months of dragging my feet after the wedding (of course husband didn't understand my feelings), I changed my last name while keeping my maiden name as my middle name. I kept my original middle name as well as it is my aunt's name. So I have two middle names and his last name. It's long on my license and social security card, but who cares? It was important to me not to lose my identity, and now when we have kids, we will all share the same last name.

You should be proud of your last name and where you came from. It's completely understandable to not want to change it. I will say though, that if you keep your maiden name as your middle name, it makes signing your name much easier.. out of habit you will write your own last name every time. Now all you have to do is add the new last name to the end.

MollyandD · July 2014

pintSizeSlasher said:.

However... after much thought and about six months of dragging my feet after the wedding (of course husband didn't understand my feelings), I changed my last name while keeping my maiden name as my middle name.

If my husband didn't understand how hard this is, that would hurt me the most.

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