Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bridesmaid +1 Issue

One of my BMs recently (in the past month) started dating a guy that I used to manage at my old company.  I could not stand him, he is very disrespectful and thinks he is the best thing that ever walked the planet.  Also, none of my other friends who have met him can stand him either.  So she sent me a text yesterday saying "I was just gonna let you know I plan on bringing him to the wedding if you could please update my RSVP to +1".  I responded, saying, we have to review final headcount before I can add anybody else.  Then she replied back saying "I thought the invitation said April 1st and figured it wouldnt be a problem since I'm a bridesmaid..but ya let me know asap". 

I really don't want him to come, as it will just be awkward!  Should I be honest with her?  I know she can get a little snappy, so I don't really want to cause any drama.  Plus, I am happy that she found somebody and I am glad she is happy.  I just think it's too soon for him to come to the wedding.  Thoughts?

Re: Bridesmaid +1 Issue

  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Were they dating when you sent out invitations? If so, you need to invite him. If not, you can simply say "I am sorry, we just don't have room to add anyone else".
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  • cfh071000 said:

    One of my BMs recently (in the past month) started dating a guy that I used to manage at my old company.  I could not stand him, he is very disrespectful and thinks he is the best thing that ever walked the planet.  Also, none of my other friends who have met him can stand him either.  So she sent me a text yesterday saying "I was just gonna let you know I plan on bringing him to the wedding if you could please update my RSVP to +1".  I responded, saying, we have to review final headcount before I can add anybody else.  Then she replied back saying "I thought the invitation said April 1st and figured it wouldnt be a problem since I'm a bridesmaid..but ya let me know asap". 

    I really don't want him to come, as it will just be awkward!  Should I be honest with her?  I know she can get a little snappy, so I don't really want to cause any drama.  Plus, I am happy that she found somebody and I am glad she is happy.  I just think it's too soon for him to come to the wedding.  Thoughts?


    You don't get to decide how serious their relationship is. If she's dating him, he needs to be invited.
    doeydolc07melbelleup
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    This person is close enough to be your BM then she is close enough for you to over look the fact that you don't like who she is dating and allow her to bring him. Honestly you should have extended her a plus one from the get go since she is in you wedding party.

    AddieCakeantotolc07melbelleup
  • cfh071000 said:

    One of my BMs recently (in the past month) started dating a guy that I used to manage at my old company.  I could not stand him, he is very disrespectful and thinks he is the best thing that ever walked the planet.  Also, none of my other friends who have met him can stand him either.  So she sent me a text yesterday saying "I was just gonna let you know I plan on bringing him to the wedding if you could please update my RSVP to +1".  I responded, saying, we have to review final headcount before I can add anybody else.  Then she replied back saying "I thought the invitation said April 1st and figured it wouldnt be a problem since I'm a bridesmaid..but ya let me know asap". 

    I really don't want him to come, as it will just be awkward!  Should I be honest with her?  I know she can get a little snappy, so I don't really want to cause any drama.  Plus, I am happy that she found somebody and I am glad she is happy.  I just think it's too soon for him to come to the wedding.  Thoughts?

    I think you should focus more on that bolded part. Yeah, you think he's a jackass and so do other people, but at least you aren't the one dating him.
    I doubt you will have much contact with him that day, anyway.
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    Blue_Bird
  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited March 2014
    I don't think this is a hill you want to die on. Just let her bring the man. I expect, that if they're dating, you're going to have further interactions with the two of them. While technically, etiquette-wise, you don't have to invite him (I'm saying this only because it looks like they started dating after you mailed invitations and she already mailed her reply), I think that for the sake of your friendship, you should just let this go. As PPs have said, you are not going to interact with him much, if at all.

    E.T.A.: I do not suggest telling her your feelings about him.
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    If they started dating before you sent the invites, you need to let her bring him as her significant other.

    If they did not, you do not need to let her bring him, but it would be a very nice thing for you to do if you can swing it. In your case, it sounds like you likely CAN swing it, but are reluctant because 1) you dislike this guy a lot, 2) you don't feel like they're serious enough, and 3) she told you she was bringing him instead of ASKING if she could bring him. The first two = not your place to judge, and the final one = if you can be gracious, don't let her rudeness prevent you from being gracious.
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  • No they were not dating when the invites were sent...
  • AprilH81AprilH81 Columbus, OH member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    cfh071000 said:
    No they were not dating when the invites were sent...

    Did you originally extend her a guest/plus one?  If so you need to honor it.
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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Yeah, it'll mean that she has more fun at your wedding (not because your wedding would suck without a plus one, but because she would be resentful the whole time), and you will probably spend a fraction of a minute interacting with the dude.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Have security on hand to escort him out if his behavior requires it, but otherwise, your sole interaction with the guy can be limited to "Thanks for coming."
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    FFS, she is one of your dearest friends and you have to ask whether or not to let her bring her boyfriend? Come on.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    melbelleup
  • Just invite him. It will make her happy, you'll barely notice him, and if he's an asshole, it reflects on him and her not you.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited March 2014
    It's amazing how much drama I saved myself by giving everyone a plus one and not giving a crap about who that +one was.  My SIL hangs out with 2 other girls.   She brought one friend and my BIL used his +one for the other friend.  Seriously did not care.    

    FWIW - during the reception I barely saw my new husband let alone the date of guests.  Really, you will be way too busy to even notice.

    If said person had been abusive to me, DH or any other guest I would have a different opinion.  Just a general ass I would not care.  My BM's feelings would more important to me.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    AddieCakecfh071000
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    cfh071000 said:
    No they were not dating when the invites were sent...
    How early did you send the invitations, and when is your wedding?



  • Don't sweat it.    We found out about 10 months before the wedding that one of our GM was dating a girl that DH and I used to call "psychohosebeast".    She unscrewed my peep hole in college, asked DH If I just lay there when we slept together and also tried to put the moves on DH when we first started seeing each other.    DH's reaction to finding out that they were dating was the same look of horror that one gets when something is found collecting mold.

    Still, he was welcome to bring her to the wedding.   Despite her having enemies including an ex BF at our wedding, I asked my BMs to just be on alert in case she made a scene (as she was known to do in college) and guess what?    There were no issues.   If there were, she would have been the one looking like a psychohosebeast and I would have looked like the lovely bride. 
    lyndausvicfh071000
  • I think you need to invite him. Just be polite to him but mostly just ignore him. If he becomes a problem make sure you got someone who isn't afraid to kick people out!
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