Chit Chat

Just a little sad about someone saying they won't be attending....UPDATE Oh Shit.

edited March 2014 in Chit Chat

So as you all know, I am the MOH for a friend's wedding. It's been a wacky and stressful ride, to say the least. We came to blows after her wedding talk consumed every single econversation, at all hours of the day and night. I took everyone's advice and had a serious come-to-Jesus meeting with her about being overwhelmed. I have not engaged in wedding talk except for on our Wednesday meetings. Things have settled down quite a bit. We now have weekly wedding Wednesdays where we meet for coffee and discuss nothing but, flowers, colors, hair pieces, etc. So....a good change of pace.

A few months back she changed her wedding date and went from three months before my wedding to two weeks before which will make things a touch hectic since that week is moving week and I will be in the middle of moving to another state and preparing preparing for summer finals. After talking to the ladies here, I decided to not back out and FI and I will make a day trip home for the wedding. While it will be a touch nutty, I am glad the ladies here helped me realize this is really important to her we can squeeze a day trip down and will make it work. (Sudden surprises don't always help with rational decision making (lol)  and I appreciate everyone who offered some prespective.)

Well.....yesterday she told me she probably wouldn't come to my wedding (which is four months away). She will have gotten back from her honeymoon a week prior and will probably still be really worn out. It's dumb, I know, but it really stung. I am probably being sensitive, but for some reason it hurt my feelings a lot more than I expected. It felt like she said "Hey, I'll be home and be available but, I'll be too tired to take a day to attend your wedding. You've been there every step of the way for the last year and even though you did all you could to make this special, I don't care. I also don't care that you also took time to make a seven hour one way drive to attend my wedding during your moving week. But even though my wedding will be over, I'm going to be too busy relaxing after the honeymoon."

I know I'm being sensitive, and silly, and taking something to heart that I shouldn't, but it just made me really sad.....that is all. It's like she wants me for her wedding but because she won't be the bride anymore she can't be bothered to attend. Idk kind of a poo feeling. Maybe I'm reading that wrong but it's really how it came across..... Anyway,  thanks for listening...my mini pitty party is over.


* Well, ladies.....It's over. 

My friend has been really upset the last month bc there is no work for her FI and he hasn't worked in almost two weeks. She kept saying she was really upset that her FI might be cut from work bc there isn't enough work for him and he's being told not to come in....My dad works with her FI and without even thinking I called my dad to ask if everything was alright and how his workload had been. My dad has been complaining about work lately so I figured something was going on and he hadn't told me the details because he didn't want me to worry. I called and said "hey so and so said work is really slow and they've been cutting hours at your job. Are you alright? If something is, don't worry about the wedding, if that's why you haven't said anything. We set aside money to do it and we have no problem taking care of it" ( My dad has offered to pay for reception dinner since FI and I were paying for everything) My dad said he would call me back in a minute and hung up...Ok weird. Ten minutes my dad called me back and said. Work is going great. We are actually in overtime status right now. It's been tough bc bride friend's FI hasn't come to work in almost two weeks. He keeps calling in sick." my response..."Oh" 

We got off the phone and I decided this was not good and not my business and I would not be telling my friend. I texted her and said I was busy with work but would catch up with her the next day....Later that night she texts me asking why I had my dad checking up on her FI and that he was really pissed off. I explained that since my dad works with him and he had been stressed lately too, I wanted to know if he was ok or had lost hours as well. 

Move forward a day and she tells me that her FI is furious and she doesn't want me in the wedding, if there even will still be a wedding. She said that she told me her worries in confidence (I had not clue that it was and something that deals with my family, I am going to ask about.) She said her FI has called off the wedding and they are over.......This happened so fast, my head is spinning. I am apparently the devil now. 

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Re: Just a little sad about someone saying they won't be attending....UPDATE Oh Shit.

  • AprilH81AprilH81 Columbus, OH member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    That majorly sucks... :(  For your sake I hope she changes her mind.
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    PennyBlossom2311
  • Honestly I'd be a little stung too.  Nobody told her to move her wedding to 2 weeks before yours. 

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    PennyBlossom2311Cokezerofreak
  • If she had told me that she wouldn't be able to attend the wedding becasue she would be on her honeymoon or it was the day she would have gotten back, I would have totally understood. The weddings are close and I knew it was a possiblity. I would never ask her to change honeymoon plans to attend. But, she'll be back for a week and her telling me she won't be able to attend 4 months out seems a little premature in knowing if she'll still be worn out.

    It just kind of shows where the friendship stands and that it is very one-sided.

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    grumbledore
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'd be hurt by that too. I'm sorry. And a week is more than enough time to recover from the HM to attend a wedding. 

    PennyBlossom2311TeddiD34
  • @ hoppersgirl25- Driving all those crazy hours would suck, most definitely, but it's what you do for the people you love. I would do the same as you.  Hearing someone wouldn't do it for you, blows.
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    KPBM89Cokezerofreak
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Wow that is really shitty of her. I think I remember your earlier posts. I really hope she gets off her high horse and comes to her senses because she is not being a friend at all. I would go to a friends wedding the day after my honeymoon, it really is not that serious. I'm sorry  and I hope she comes around.
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    PennyBlossom2311grumbledore
  • If she had told me that she wouldn't be able to attend the wedding becasue she would be on her honeymoon or it was the day she would have gotten back, I would have totally understood. The weddings are close and I knew it was a possiblity. I would never ask her to change honeymoon plans to attend. But, she'll be back for a week and her telling me she won't be able to attend 4 months out seems a little premature in knowing if she'll still be worn out.

    It just kind of shows where the friendship stands and that it is very one-sided.

    Aside from being upset, I would also be very curious why the back out with so much time, too.  "Oh, four months from now I'm going to be supppper exhausted from a week of relaxing.  Guess I can't be there for you!"
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    GlitterWitch22JennyColada
  • wandajune6wandajune6 Chicago-ish member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    That doesn't sound like being overly sensitive at all. That sounds like being hurt by a thoughtless friend.

    I hope she changes her mind - not just because you deserve a better friend - but also because there will someday be a point where she regrets making such a stupid call.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    PennyBlossom2311
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    What a shitty thing for her to say. Being too tired after a week of being back from her honeymoon is a ridiculous excuse. Especially since she can't possibly know that 4 months out!

    I agree with @jenna8984 - I'd reconsider going to her wedding.


    PennyBlossom2311
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    She sounds like she is being very self-centered and thoughtless. I can't imagine telling a friend who obviously jumped through hoops for me that I would be too tired from my honeymoon to show up for her day.

    Sorry to hear you are going through this, but I don't think you are being ridiculous at all.
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    PennyBlossom2311
  • @ClimbingBridgeNY - yea it's shitty. Would much rather her have not said anything now and just didn't show up the day of... But, when it all falls apart, I'll know I tried and made an effort. Maybe after the wedding, she will wake up and go back to her old sweet self. But if not, oh well.  
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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're definitely a caring and stand-up person for staying in her wedding and practically bending over backwards to be a good friend, and it's really shitty that she's making up (what I consider to be) a bullshit excuse for not coming to your wedding.

    Maybe she's not a person you see or talk to very much ever after her wedding.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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    PennyBlossom2311
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I honestly think that weddings bring the crazy out of some people. And I don't understand why! It's ONE day, one blip in your entire life. It is not worth it to ruin longtime friendships or family ties over a wedding. Your FI might be right, unless she wakes up from whatever dream world she is living in, the friendship may have run its course. At least you know that you made an effort.
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  •  @phira - I think you're right. We are moving right before Fi and I get married which is two weeks after hers, so I think the move will make that easier too. Distance will probably seal it.

    @pinkcow13 - I will never get it either. I do not see how some people can get so wrapped up in one day ....it's wacky

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  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I agree with PPs here, now would be a good time to finish out all the things like the bachelorette that you already planned and then stop putting so much effort into a friendship she obviously is letting die.  If she starts putting forth more effort, you can choose how you want to go from there but from all you've said about this girl she seems to be completely focused on herself right now.  The day after my honeymoon, I was at work doing heavy lifting after having driven several hours to get home the night before.  So that excuse is lame.

    PennyBlossom2311
  • lmcooper86lmcooper86 Toronto member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer

    I applaud you for being the bigger person and not backing out of her wedding and continuing to plan her bachelorette.

    I do not think you're being over sensitive at all; I would be extremely hurt if someone claimed that they valued my friendship enough to make me their MOH, but then couldn't be bothered to come to my wedding a WEEK after their honeymoon. I hope that she comes to her senses in the next 4 months and does choose to attend, but if not then this might be a friendship to let go of.

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    PennyBlossom2311
  • I'm not going to say anything PPs haven't, but I can't resist commenting.  You are definitely not overreacting -- she sounds like a pretty terrible friend. Hopefully the worst is over when it comes to helping her plan.  Just think of how much more fun your big day will be without her weighing you down!
    GlitterWitch22PennyBlossom2311
  • So as you all know, I am the MOH for a friend's wedding. It's been a wacky and stressful ride, to say the least. We came to blows after her wedding talk consumed every single econversation, at all hours of the day and night. I took everyone's advice and had a serious come-to-Jesus meeting with her about being overwhelmed. I have not engaged in wedding talk except for on our Wednesday meetings. Things have settled down quite a bit. We now have weekly wedding Wednesdays where we meet for coffee and discuss nothing but, flowers, colors, hair pieces, etc. So....a good change of pace.

    A few months back she changed her wedding date and went from three months before my wedding to two weeks before which will make things a touch hectic since that week is moving week and I will be in the middle of moving to another state and preparing preparing for summer finals. After talking to the ladies here, I decided to not back out and FI and I will make a day trip home for the wedding. While it will be a touch nutty, I am glad the ladies here helped me realize this is really important to her we can squeeze a day trip down and will make it work. (Sudden surprises don't always help with rational decision making (lol)  and I appreciate everyone who offered some prespective.)

    Well.....yesterday she told me she probably wouldn't come to my wedding (which is four months away). She will have gotten back from her honeymoon a week prior and will probably still be really worn out. It's dumb, I know, but it really stung. I am probably being sensitive, but for some reason it hurt my feelings a lot more than I expected. It felt like she said "Hey, I'll be home and be available but, I'll be too tired to take a day to attend your wedding. You've been there every step of the way for the last year and even though you did all you could to make this special, I don't care. I also don't care that you also took time to make a seven hour one way drive to attend my wedding during your moving week. But even though my wedding will be over, I'm going to be too busy relaxing after the honeymoon."

    I know I'm being sensitive, and silly, and taking something to heart that I shouldn't, but it just made me really sad.....that is all. It's like she wants me for her wedding but because she won't be the bride anymore she can't be bothered to attend. Idk kind of a poo feeling. Maybe I'm reading that wrong but it's really how it came across..... Anyway,  thanks for listening...my mini pitty party is over.

    It's not silly, she sounds like a selfish brat.  I'd be pissed.  I know an invitation isn't a subpoena, but for fuck's sake, "too worn out from being on vacation" is a really shitty excuse from this particular person.  I'd be mad about for a long time, if not forever.

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    pinkshorts27
  • BlergbotBlergbot An enchanted land member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    I definitely smell some passive agressiveness going on here. Either she is hurt that she is not in your wedding or she took the Come to Jesus talk very poorly but isn't be upfront about how she feels. Either way, you've got a pretty shitty friend on your hands. Glad you are taking the high road here, but it's definitely time to cut her loose after the wedding.
    AlexisA01
  • lol @ grumbledore. Trust me, I want to be mad and I want to fire back with something ugly, but it's just not my style. It's been a long road and I'm honestly just looking forward to her wedding being over so I won't feel about not wanting to talk to her. I won't be rude but, I sure as hell won't play nice anymore. Fi and I haven't sent invitations yet but she was just "letting me know". She also told me she would be really busy with school....Ummmmm, I am enrolled at the same college and the reason FI and I picked the date we did was so it would fall between the summer and fall semesters. whatever.......I'm in the home stretch and I have four more months. Then done.  

     

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  • JennyColadaJennyColada Awesometown, CA member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    @PennyBlossom2311, you are a better friend than I am! No way would I be able to continue with bachelorette etc plans after hearing that. I'd be in serious tears.
  • You have every right to be hurt! I would be pissed. Honestly I probably would have backed out of her wedding at this point.
  • @ grumbledore again...lol I know the more I am reading this, the more ticked I'm getting. It's really just to the point where it is kind of comical though..Like "Reeeeeeaaaaaaallllly crazy pants?!" My mother said I should not send an invitation to her and when (if)  she has a change of heart, just say "Ohh sweetie, remember when you told me you wouldn't be able to attend? Well, at first I was really sad but then it actually really worked out since the dinner cruise we really wanted to take only sat 50 and you and your FI made 52. We don't have to exclude now and we were able to book it. So thanks!" This is of course only a fantasy, but if the right buttons are pushed, I may have to use it. lol

    @Blergbot- I do think she is upset that I didn't ask her to be in my wedding. I haven't asked her to do anything with me in relation to my wedding, not even look at ideas or got to any stores. Everything just goes back to her wedding so I kinda gave up after the first two outings. If the come-to-Jesus talk was hard on her, I hate that. But I couldn't talk about the flowergirl's hair bows at 7am on a Saturday anymore. It will be interesting on how it all plays out. I think she only sees the wedding and not the marriage. Her wedding has to be better than everyone's and she points it out. It'll be over soon and then yup, we'll probably stop talking.

    Thank you @GlitterWitch22. I do think it has a lot to do with her not being ready to not be the focus. Everything is about her and I don't think she wants to give that up. But, rather than getting mad and being ugly with her, I actually pitty her. I don't want to take away from her day and tarnish it with backing out (besides the other BMs will have no middle man and be left to fend for themselves lol) I don't want her to have any reason to say I wasn't supportive.

     

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    mollyringwald15
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