Sorry for posting this here. I know this is for "Brides"...I'm a newlywed, and I have always found that the girls on the Knot are good for straightforward advice. I feel like my girlfriends will always just "be on my side" and I'm looking for real advice and not just "You Go Girl".
My DH and I have been together for over 5 years, and are recently married (6 mos). When we first moved in together, he was the "neat freak" and we split responsibilities of the home about 70/30 (70 him, 30 me). I've always done all the cooking and we would grocery shop and do most "every day" things together. Then he started getting upset that he was doing most things, and so I made an effort to make things more 50/50.
I'm not sure when it started, but somewhere along the way, more and more responsibilities started falling on me. I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, lunch-making, deep cleaning, dusting, etc. It has even gotten to the point where he "forgets" to feed the dogs! To make things worse, he has gotten in to the habit of constantly being on his computer before and after dinner. He refuses to just watch TV with me, saying that it bores him. I've asked him to suggest other activities, but he just wants to be on his computer surfing the internet. It hurts me because I feel that he is isolating himself from me, even when we are in the same room.
I have explained to him (and I really feel this way) that it's not about who has "more" responsibility, but rather, how mindful we are of each other's needs, our home, etc.
I think what bothers me about our day-to-day, is that so many of the things I do are about keeping our home/marriage intact, whereas I feel as if he is on his own path just doing what he needs to do for himself and not our partnership.
Today when we talked about it, he asked me if I could start "reminding" him when there are things I want done. However, I want the new habit to be mindfulness. At almost 30 years old, I feel like I should not have to remind him that the bathroom needs cleaning, or that it would be nice if he'd pick up dinner every once in a while. And besides, I am his wife, not his mother.
Is there any way to get my DH to practice being mindful without having to be a nag?
Re: XP from the Nest...Marital Bumps in the Road
This may be too much hand holding for your taste, but do you have a joint calendar app on your phones? Can you program reminders for chores "Monday 7:00pm-H cleans bathroom and MsChicagofan does laundry" A written chart would also work...
It is normal that gradually one person takes over some stuff, but it is a very reasonable to expect that one person should not have to do everything. An adult should not have to be reminded to feed the dogs.
The "chores" are a different issue from the computer time in my mind. The chores are him being lazy and the laptop usage is him checking out. No advice for that one because H and I are bad about being on our phones/laptops when we are in the same room together.
What has been helpful for me and FI recently is twofold:
First, I made a chore schedule. I explained that it was to help me feel less overwhelmed, and also help me prioritize (which is true, but it also reminds FI of all the things that need to be done.)
Also, I found an app called Honeydew that I love. It is a shared To-Do list, so you both get the app on your phone and create a shared account. Then you can both add to it and remove things from it. You can make any category you want... so we have a schedule for our cat's meds so we don't have to worry about whether or not somebody gave them to him, a grocery list, a list of calls we need to make, and other little reminders. That shows both of us what needs to be done, so we're both accountable for making them happen.
The first thing that came to mind was the question of what he's doing online. If he's found something that takes all of his attention, maybe he needs to wean himself off a bit.
As for sharing responsibilities, there's a balance. I absolutely hate reminding FI to do stuff around the house- I feel like I'm nagging. There are also things that he gets ticked at me for not doing. We found that sharing apps doesn't work (I love the idea of apps like Honeydew but he would never use it). Instead, I rely on well-synched digital calendars. Bills get a calendar event (more easily snoozed if you're out at night). Annoying chores that happen on a schedule reminders. Heck, even date nights and wedding planning gets reminders.
For regular chores, we also follow a tradition my parents started when I was little: on a regular basis (daily? weekly? whatever?) we set a timer for 15 minutes, turn on VERY loud music that we love, and clean/do chores/etc. until the timer goes off. We feel like we're both doing our "share," we're working very diligently because it's such a small time period, and we can make a bit of a game out of it.
Daily things like dinner we are still fine-tuning!
I kind of have a different perspective on the attention thing (not really the chores thing because FI and future SS are kind of piggies so I do all the chores because I'm a bit OCD about cleanliness, and it doesn't bother me) ...<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
I am kind of in the same boat as your DH is, actually. I am in no way "checking out" of my relationship HOWEVER I have zero-zip-zilch-nada interest in television. I cannot make myself sit still for 45 minutes or an hour to watch television because it just cannot keep my attention. I always have to be doing something else. Whether it's checking emails on my phone, reading a magazine, paying bills, etc etc. This drives my FI nutso because he says he feels like I am 'ignoring' him. (Even though if we were watching TV we wouldn't be talking or something anyway...)
I don't have a solution for you, unfortunately. This is still something FI and I are working through. I have made efforts to sit down and watch TV with him but I get so fidgety that eventually he just tells me to go do something. haha! It’s all a matter of just being accepting, as some PPs stated, of who your DH is. It obviously isn’t the same as you are, but you love him and married him. So, if he needs to spend some time zoning out on the computer then that is what it is, IMO.
Did you and your DH do premarital counseling at all? If so, did you talk about this kind of stuff? if so, I would use that as a launching point for another discussion.
Have there been any significant changes in the relationship since the wedding?