Invitation Addressing

MrsMarende · March 2014

My question is regarding SOs that do not live together.

I have a two close friends that have been with each other for 6+ years, but they do not live together. Do I send 1 invitation with both names or send each person an invitation to their home with no guest, assuming they are coming together?

Thanks!

Sugargirl1019 · March 2014

You list their names on separate lines and send to the person whom you're closest.

I might use word of mouth and say John, I sent an invitation for you and Sally to Sallys house.

phira · March 2014

@Sugargirl1019's spot on. Separate lines, send to the person you're closest to. Separate invitations = not acknowledging the relationship.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

phira said:

@Sugargirl1019's spot on. Separate lines, send to the person you're closest to. Separate invitations = not acknowledging the relationship.

I disagree with this. Not acknowledging the relationship would be inviting Sally by herself, or Sally 'and guest."

It's only failing to acknowledge a relationship if you send two invitations to people who DO live together.

Although it's unusual in this day and age, it's not inherently wrong to send separate invites to people who are in a relationship but live separately. All you're doing with separate invites is acknowledging that they are in a relationship but they are responsible for RSVP'ing individually.

MrsMarende · March 2014

So is it appropriate either way? I would prefer to send 1 invitation with both listed, but I do not want to be rude or go against proper etiquette.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Yes, it's fine either way. You may send it to just the person you are closer to with their partner's name on it.

phira · March 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 That's fair. If my partner and I weren't living together and we got separate invitations, though, I'd feel like the host wasn't acknowledging the relationship, while at the same time, I'd probably guess that the host felt like they were being more polite (by saying, "Hey, we'd like you to come, not just as your partner's guest").

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

phira said:

@HisGirlFriday13 That's fair. If my partner and I weren't living together and we got separate invitations, though, I'd feel like the host wasn't acknowledging the relationship, while at the same time, I'd probably guess that the host felt like they were being more polite (by saying, "Hey, we'd like you to come, not just as your partner's guest").

Just to play devil's advocate -- or the hosts didn't want to assume which person in the relationship handles social engagements and didn't want to be seen as assuming, 'Oh, Sally is the woman, so she handles the social correspondence and we'll send it to her.'

I don't think you can fault the hosts for not assuming that people who keep separate households -- for whatever reason -- still want to be treated as separate individuals.

AroundTheBlock · March 2014

To be proper, you ensure that every guest is invited by name, with an invitation sent to his or her own address. That means if people are not living together, you send each one a separate invitation. One virtue of actually following this bit of standard etiquette, is that you never have to figure out which one of two friends you want to advertise as being your "real" friend, or the friend you feel closer to. It is bad advice to treat your guests differently based on whom you like better, but it is common enough bad advice that the person whose name appars on the second line is likely to recognize that you are letting them know that they are a second-class friend in your eyes.

And if, heaven forbid, they were to break up before your wedding, the person who was named second and whose home address was not used, will generally assume that they are not welcome for their own sake, and not come -- even if they otherwise consider themselves still to be friends with you, and poised enough to attend a party that their former boy/girlfriend is also attending.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

AroundTheBlock said:

To be proper, you ensure that every guest is invited by name, with an invitation sent to his or her own address. That means if people are not living together, you send each one a separate invitation. One virtue of actually following this bit of standard etiquette, is that you never have to figure out which one of two friends you want to advertise as being your "real" friend, or the friend you feel closer to. It is bad advice to treat your guests differently based on whom you like better, but it is common enough bad advice that the person whose name appars on the second line is likely to recognize that you are letting them know that they are a second-class friend in your eyes.

And if, heaven forbid, they were to break up before your wedding, the person who was named second and whose home address was not used, will generally assume that they are not welcome for their own sake, and not come -- even if they otherwise consider themselves still to be friends with you, and poised enough to attend a party that their former boy/girlfriend is also attending.

How did I (a) know you'd weigh in on this thread and (b) say what you always do about people always having to send two invites?

The bolded is utter bullshit. There were people at my wedding who were invited ONLY because they were the SOs of our friends (my MOH's FI comes to mind, actually. Can't stand the nutter, but she apparently loves him).

It is not now and has never been incorrect to invite the SO of a friend on the friend's invite. You're saying to your friend, 'You matter to me, and so does your special friend, so please bring him or her.'

No one (other than you, apparently) is so foolish as to believe that all couples are friends with all other couples in their social circle. I have female friends who have SOs that DH isn't friends with. DH's best friend is dating a girl I find obnoxious.

We are cordial to each other's friends in social situations, but we are not necessarily friends with each other's friends' SOs.

AND THAT'S OK.

And to the second bold -- if my MOH and her douchecanoe of a FI had broken up before my wedding, I wouldn't have cared one fig if HE still wanted to come or HE thought he could attend a party his ex was at. He was invited because of who he is to her, not because of who is as a person.

MrsMarende · March 2014

Both people are good friends of mine. I have known them both since I was 16 and had friendships with them both since before they were together, although I do not see them splitting up does this change anything?

Inkdancer · March 2014

MrsMarende said:

Both people are good friends of mine. I have known them both since I was 16 and had friendships with them both since before they were together, although I do not see them splitting up does this change anything?

I think if both of them are truly good friends of yours, you should be able to ask them "hey, should I send the invitation to Marie or to John?" Then they will tell you. The end.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

I have 2 sets of coworkers that are dating. A and B are dating and C and D are dating. I am good friends with A, B, and C, but have barely said 2 words to coworker D. Now, A, B and C are invited to my wedding regardless of who they were dating. Obviously, I'm inviting coworker D because she is dating C, but she would not otherwise be invited if this wasn't case. I think most people realize that they are only invited because they are the SO of the primary guest. It's not that difficult.

phira · March 2014

Yeah. My friend invited me and my partner to her wedding when she had never met my partner. It's not like it's some kind of offense that there are some people you're only inviting because they're dating another guest.

APDSS22 · March 2014

Inkdancer said:

MrsMarende said:

Both people are good friends of mine. I have known them both since I was 16 and had friendships with them both since before they were together, although I do not see them splitting up does this change anything?

I think if both of them are truly good friends of yours, you should be able to ask them "hey, should I send the invitation to Marie or to John?" Then they will tell you. The end.

This is what we did in the situation exactly like yours that came up for our wedding. Apparently the male of the couple has an unreliable mailman, is more likely to lose/forget things and the female of the couple generally keeps track of their social engagements so they asked that we send their invite to her parents' house where she was living at the time. We didn't do inner envelopes so we put his name on the second line of the envelope's addressing lines.

So basically it looked like this:

Miss Female Name
Mr. Male Name
123 Songbird Lane
Sunnyville, FL 55555

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

My MOH (BFF) and her boyfriend/FI (not exactly sure what they are at this point) are long distance and he wanted an STD, so we sent one to each of them. But we put both names on both, because they never get mail addressed as a couple. She adored it, but if she hadn't mentioned that he wanted one, we would have just sent it to her.

ETA: wrong pronoun

Invitation Addressing

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