Does this count as an exception?

ampenick · March 2014

I'd just like to get everyone's opinion about what they would do in this situation. Here's the setup:

My fiancee and I are getting married at the end of May, so we have already sent out of save the dates months ago. One of these was sent to my sister's mother-in-law because we see her at some holidays, and I thought my bro-in-law would appreciate it. My sister and her mother in law have never really gotten along because they are two very different people, we had never really saw/heard for ourselves why until recently.

About a month ago, we went on a family vacation to Disney World which included my sister, bro-in-law, two nieces, my mom, and sister's mother-law. Well, it went south very quickly because apparently there has been some jealously brewing on the side of my sister's mother in law towards my mom that we had not really realized because we hadn't spent THAT much time with her. Every time that my mom would want to hold my nieces hands or give them attention, we would get a very loud "UGH!" and an eye roll from mother in law. Every time my sister and bro-in-law were not around, the mother in law would actually insult and say very cruel things to my mom. Things like "my mom is just miserable because she doesn't have any friends" (which is not true, and how would mother in law even begin to know that) for example. This went on the entire time. She always had to make a big scene about everything and was completely childish, and my mom was completely done with her after the vacation.

First off, I'm completely disgusted by her behavior, and the fact that she acted that way towards anyone is completely unacceptable. Secondly, I would like everyone's opinion of what they would do in this situation. I know its completely rude to send someone a save the date and not send them an invite, but I literally cannot stand the thought of that woman being there at my wedding knowing that she acted that was to my family and knowing that there's a good chance she'll cause a scene again.

syoun1nj · March 2014

I'll defer to other ladies on this but to me, the exception to the rule is when someone has harmed you or a family member. This woman was cruel to your mother so I think if you didn't invite her at this point it would be acceptable. BUT it may cause friction between you and your BIL. What does he think of his mother's behavior? Has your sister expressed feelings about you inviting her or not?

ampenick · March 2014

My bro in law knows how his mom is and is aware of the situation. He's a very reasonable guy, and I don't think that this is something that would cause any friction.

My sister has been dealing with mother in laws behavior for a long long time so while she would prefer mother in law not to be included anything, she also understands that the save the date has been sent. I just really don't want to be around her after how she acted to my mom, including hosting her at my wedding.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

She's a bitch. Screw her. Normally I'm super even-keeled about this kind of thing, but in this situation I would definitely not invite her. You don't need that kind of energy at your wedding. It's supposed to be a joyful affair. If you do decide to invite her because of family awkwardness, do not engage her in any interactions the day of the wedding.

kla728 · March 2014

I would probably tell your mom, sister and BIL this is what you are thinking of doing and let them sit on it for a few days. While you're reasonably upset, they are the ones that will be impacted by any fall out on this. Letting them in on it now may help down the road if it becomes an issue (which, since this lady sounds like the dramatic type, it might).

syoun1nj · March 2014

If BIL doesn't care then I think you're fine not inviting her. Though I agree with @kla728.

This lady sounds like a real treat. Ugh.

APDSS22 · March 2014

Lurkers: Situations like this are why we tell brides on here to not send the STD if you aren't sure about wanting that person at your wedding.

OP: Now that you have sent her the STD, etiquette says you should follow with an invitation. You should definitely discuss this with your sister and BIL. If they seem chill about not inviting her, be aware that you will be offending her by not sending an invitation. Usually we don't suggest you withhold the invite if you've sent the STD unless the person has physically harmed you or your FI. As ridiculously high school mean girl as this woman has acted, she hasn't physically hurt anyone/threatened to kill you or your FI or threatened to ruin your wedding by any means possible. If it might cause more problems for your sister and BIL by inciting family drama, it might be best to invite her, sit her away from your mother in the seating chart and focus on the fact that you will likely just greet her and not interact with her for the rest of the event. Heck, if you're lucky, she might decline to attend.

mbross3 · March 2014

I would talk to your sister and BIL before making the decision. The decision not to invite someone to a wedding, especially after they've received a STD, can honestly end relationships (for better or worse it's the truth). It seems like you have a tenuous connection to this woman at best, but this could seriously impact your sister and BIL's relationship with her. She sounds like a bitch, but I would invite her anyway for the benefit of your sister (I can just imagine the MIL bringing up how rude you were to your sister for the rest of her life and bitching about it) and also because I strongly believe you should take the high road here.

I would invite her, perhaps don't seat her anywhere near your own mother. But that way you took the high road, and she can never claim that you were the one who started any fall out by not inviting her after she was, technically, invited with the STD.

If you feel comfortable, maybe talk to your BIL about speaking to his mother regarding her behavior. If this is the only time she's been such a bitch, maybe she had something else going on? Not that that's an excuse, but it's a possible explanation.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I am normally the etiquette police on things like STDates = invites.

But NO ONE who insulted my mother would be allowed at my wedding. NO ONE.

I would check with your sister and see how she feels. Ask if not sending an invite would cause more problems for her than sending it would.

But I am curious -- why didn't you ask your sister about this before sending the STdates?

AddieCake · March 2014

No fucking way would I invite this woman, STD or not. Hardly knowing her, she would never have been on my guest list in the first place, either, though.

And here's another heads up for lurkers: Inviting people you don't even really know just to appease a family member is silly (unless you're forced to b/c someone else is paying.)

classyduck · March 2014

Well, as others have stated, you are going to to have to weigh the potential costs here, but if I can offer one bit of perspective: This isn't a vacation in close quarters, it is one evening in a room full of people. Would that help temper her attitude a bit? I mean, if you sit her on the other side of the room as your mom around other people that she will be social with, how likely is it that she is going to spend the entire evening blasting your mom? My guess is that she can be contained, but I don't know her.

It sounds like there are two issues here. 1) You don't want her to spoil the reception with her toxic negativity, and 2) you are pissed and perhaps, rightfully, a bit vengeful in wanting to rescind your invitation. Don't get me wrong, there is no judgement coming from me on #2, I can be vindictive bitch myself sometimes, especially when someone has really done something to deserve it like this woman has.

I would just be very clear which motive you are acting on, and prepare accordingly. There IS a correct way to do revenge; you can actually be tactful, tasteful, and polite about it, but it is very difficult. Think carefully if this is how you want to do it. Of course, if the main issue is motive #1, well, then you really may be better off not inviting her.

It's difficult ... one of the most memorable evenings of your life vs. family harmony for years to come are both at stake.

jdluvr06 · March 2014

No way would I invite her! No one insults my mother and gets to come anywhere around me.

phira · March 2014

Honestly, in your shoes, I would have decided not to invite her at all, and then avoided the Etiquette board because I wouldn't want to know if people thought I should be an exception.

MyNameIsNot · March 2014

It's still rude, but I'm not sure if I'd care about being rude to this lady. I would assume that you would avoid any need to interact with her again in the future.

I would talk to my sister, though. I would worry that it would cause drama for her.

Jen4948 · March 2014

Well, not to follow up an STD with an invitation is technically rude, but I can totally understand why you don't want to invite this woman. That said, because your sister and BIL would be impacted by any possible fallout that results from not sending the woman an invitation, I agree with PPs that I would discuss the situation with them before making a final decision on the matter.

SP29 · March 2014

Well yes, technically it is rude and against etiquette and a relationship-ending behaviour.. BUT do you care?

I would talk to BIL and sister first- tell them what you are thinking and see what they say. It could cause more problems for your sister and mother (as your mother still has to be involved with her due to the grandchildren) if you don't send the invite.

If she is at the wedding, you can seat her away from your mother and you are unlikely to engage with her much if you choose not to, but it comes down to how you and your family feel about it. I would not want this person at my wedding.

Agree- lurkers, STD's are meant for VIPs, those guests who are your very nearest and dearest, who you know 100% will be invited to your wedding. You do not have to send everyone a STD, particularly if you are unsure about them or they are an acquaintance.

Does this count as an exception?

Re: Does this count as an exception?

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