You don't tell you family "I didn't invite you because I can't afford to feed you". You simply say that you are not able to invite everyone you would like and then change subject. Otherwise people try to find a way around it. It is less rude this way.
In one of your posts you said "hubby". Are you guys legally married already?
No I believe it said "hubby to be ". Apparently that's another bone of contention with wedding etiquette. Not having a wedding if you're already married. Seems so sad to me. I would never assume anyone is being rude if they are doing what they can afford to for a wedding celebration.
No I believe it said "hubby to be ". Apparently that's another bone of contention with wedding etiquette. Not having a wedding if you're already married. Seems so sad to me. I would never assume anyone is being rude if they are doing what they can afford to for a wedding celebration.
Lots of women on here were/are budget brides, including myself. However, being on a strict budget does not make it OK to be rude or a bad host.
What does that even mean though? "Only invite
the people you can afford to host." Isn't that just as rude as inviting
everyone and not being able to afford a sit down dinner ? (Just doing
apps and drinks for example?)
It means you only invite the number of people you can afford to feed to witness your wedding ceremony. If that is only 10 people, then so be it.
Yes. Move your wedding ceremony back to 7:30pm or 8pm if you want to ensure the reception doesn't begin during a mealtime. Then you can do a cake and punch reception.
No I believe it said "hubby to be ". Apparently that's another bone of contention with wedding etiquette. Not having a wedding if you're already married. Seems so sad to me. I would never assume anyone is being rude if they are doing what they can afford to for a wedding celebration.
By virtue of the definitions of the words "wedding" and "married" you logically cannot have a wedding after you are already married. Unless you divorce and re marry.
PPD's are rude because they usually entail lying to your guests that you already have a legal civil service and are married, for the sake of having a fancy, frou frou dress up day later on.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
A wedding is where people get married. If you are already married you have to have a divorce first. It is rude, especially if you are not telling your guest that what they are coming to see is fake. If someone can afford to have a traditional wedding, then they should have waited to get married.
I'm not already married and I definitely wouldn't be mad at someone else if they wanted to celebrate their marriage with a reception after they were legally married.
as far as im concerned I dont WANT a traditional wedding! Did nobody read that we would be having a backyard cookout style wedding? That sound extremely stuck up to say, if you cant afford a traditional wedding then dont have one. Im over this wedding etiquette BS. You all sound like snobs and im SO lucky and grateful my friends and family would be DELIGHTED to celebrate with my fiance and I if we decided to get married next to a dumpster let alone have a lame AFFORADBLE cookout to celebrate our marriage.
I'm not already married and I definitely wouldn't be mad at someone else if they wanted to celebrate their marriage with a reception after they were legally married.
It's fine to have a reception to celebrate the marriage after someone is legally married. It's rude not to tell your guests that you are already married, and then having a do-over.
as far as im concerned I dont WANT a traditional wedding! Did nobody read that we would be having a backyard cookout style wedding? That sound extremely stuck up to say, if you cant afford a traditional wedding then dont have one. Im over this wedding etiquette BS. You all sound like snobs and im SO lucky and grateful my friends and family would be DELIGHTED to celebrate with my fiance and I if we decided to get married next to a dumpster let alone have a lame AFFORADBLE cookout to celebrate our marriage.
What are you talking about? No one said there was anything wrong with a backyard cookout style wedding. Holy cow.
as far as im concerned I dont WANT a traditional wedding! Did nobody read that we would be having a backyard cookout style wedding? That sound extremely stuck up to say, if you cant afford a traditional wedding then dont have one. Im over this wedding etiquette BS. You all sound like snobs and im SO lucky and grateful my friends and family would be DELIGHTED to celebrate with my fiance and I if we decided to get married next to a dumpster let alone have a lame AFFORADBLE cookout to celebrate our marriage.
Oh FFS get a fucking grip already.
No one said you had to have a traditional wedding. In fact I don't see where anyone commented at all on the style of your wedding. Get married outside, inside, or by a fucking dumpster.
However, you need to feed your guests afterwards if you get married by that dumpster during a mealtime, and you need to at least host cake and punch after your dumpster ceremony if it is not held during a meal time.
That is all anyone was trying to explain to you. Your guests aren't going to care where you get married or even if you get married if you don't host them properly. All they will care about is how rude you treated them.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
as far as im concerned I dont WANT a traditional wedding! Did nobody read that we would be having a backyard cookout style wedding? That sound extremely stuck up to say, if you cant afford a traditional wedding then dont have one. Im over this wedding etiquette BS. You all sound like snobs and im SO lucky and grateful my friends and family would be DELIGHTED to celebrate with my fiance and I if we decided to get married next to a dumpster let alone have a lame AFFORADBLE cookout to celebrate our marriage.
Oh FFS get a fucking grip already.
No one said you had to have a traditional wedding. In fact I don't see where anyone commented at all on the style of your wedding. Get married outside, inside, or by a fucking dumpster.
However, you need to feed your guests afterwards if you get married by that dumpster during a mealtime, and you need to at least host cake and punch after your dumpster ceremony if it is not held during a meal time.
That is all anyone was trying to explain to you. Your guests aren't going to care where you get married or even if you get married if you don't host them properly. All they will care about is how rude you treated them.
This.
You seem to be confusing "tradition' with 'being polite'. I have been to 'non traditional' backyard BBQ weddings where the B&G were married privately that morning, took the immediate family who were at the ceremony to lunch, and then had a BBQ that evening. FOB was manning the grill, B&G were in jeans, and it was a wonderful time. I've also been to a 'non traditional' backyard BBQ wedding where the B&G had the ceremony, had a potluck reception and only had enough 'dinner' (steak) for family, the rest of the guests all got to munch on the side dishes they'd been asked to bring.
If you want to have a backyard wedding, great, wonderful more power to you, I wish I had a backyard big enough for all our guests so we could have done the same. But that doesn't mean you get to be rude. I mean come on, these people are your family and friends, the ones who are always there for you, no matter what. And of the million things they could be doing on a beautiful summer weekend, they are going to come see you and FI start the next phase of your journey. You'd seriously begrudge them a hot dog and some potato salad?
Exactly what @lennonkdc said. I'm all about some non-traditional weddings. Backyard barbecue? Sounds great! But you can't not host your guests. If what you can afford is 40 people eating homemade food - that's what you do. If it's 10 people and catered food - that's what you do. You don't have to have a huge wedding in a church and a fancy reception in a hall to host your guests properly.
What does that even mean though? "Only invite the people you can afford to host." Isn't that just as rude as inviting everyone and not being able to afford a sit down dinner ? (Just doing apps and drinks for example?)
It means that:
1) If your reception is at a mealtime, you serve a meal to everyone. It doesn't have to be hugely expensive, but there needs to be enough food and beverages for everyone, of decent quality.
2) There is no requirement that you serve a sit-down dinner to everyone, but if you choose not to do that, then you don't hold your reception at a time of the day that would raise expectations of a meal.
3) You don't invite more people than you can afford to host, including SOs-but you serve everyone the same refreshments and hospitality without making distinctions among your guests. You don't say something like, "Our immediate family only for a meal immediately after the ceremony while everyone else comes back later for snacks and dancing."
I honest to goodness didnt think 7pm was a mealtime. And I am by no means intentionally being rude. At what time would appropriate to start a reception consisting of only apps drinks and cake?
oops sorry I forgot to specify. "cocktail reception @ 7." We were going to do ceremony, take pics, eat dinner (with our immediate fam within the 5-7 time frame) and then when guests arrive start the dj and dancing. We were going to have small snacks but no sit down dinner -only for immediate fam following ceremony.
This is not appropriate in the least. Treat all of your guests the same. If you don't want people to witness the ceremony and you don't want to host them for the meal, then simply don't invite them. Consolation prizes are not appropriate.
as far as im concerned I dont WANT a traditional wedding! Did nobody read that we would be having a backyard cookout style wedding? That sound extremely stuck up to say, if you cant afford a traditional wedding then dont have one. Im over this wedding etiquette BS. You all sound like snobs and im SO lucky and grateful my friends and family would be DELIGHTED to celebrate with my fiance and I if we decided to get married next to a dumpster let alone have a lame AFFORADBLE cookout to celebrate our marriage.
Traditional wedding =/= proper hosting. Proper hosting is making sure ALL of your guests are kept happy and treated fairly (as in a seat of some sort for every butt and enough food for the time of day).
Your options: - Private ceremony with fewer than 15-20 people (I think usually less than 15% of the total guest list) in the am. Cocktail reception starting at 8pm.
- Ceremony at 5pm with a cocktail-style reception starting immediately afterwards with enough food to constitute a meal (usually more expensive than a plain meal) and enough seating for everyone (even if it's not all table seating, there should be enough seats between lawn chairs, picnic tables, benches, some table tops, etc)
- ceremony at 5pm with open seating bbq/buffet immediately following. Depending on the number of people you have, this can be pretty easy. I threw a birthday party for my mom with the food for 50 being less than $400 (ETA it was in December, so I used the snow as coolers for most of the food, and it was a jam packed house party) - home made chicken Parmesan, meatballs, baked ziti and salad with appetizers. Then I spent $200 on booze You can hire some local trustworthy high schoolers to help facilitate for probably $50 each for 3-4 hours.
Michaelacha said:What does that even mean though? "Only invite the people you can afford to host." Isn't that just as rude as inviting everyone and not being able to afford a sit down dinner ? (Just doing apps and drinks for example?) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course it isn't. No one needs to be invited to a wedding for it to be valid. But everyone who is invited needs to be treated equally.
These ideas obviously are not set in stone. My intentions were to salvage the invitations I had already purchsed but not sent. Will keep in mind everybody needs to be fed and to only host the number of people we can afford to for the future. Maybe next year. thanks guys
I honest to goodness didnt think 7pm was a mealtime. And I am by no means intentionally being rude. At what time would appropriate to start a reception consisting of only apps drinks and cake?
7:30pm or 8pm.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Under the circumstances, I would recommend one of the following:
- Have your reception at 8pm or later. If you invited me to a reception anytime between 4-7:30, I would expect some sort of real meal to be provided. If you told me to come at 3pm or 8pm I would think "oh, drinks and cake! Fun!"
-OR-
-Is it possible to buy enough hotdogs/hamburgers to feed everyone? Hotdogs are pretty cheap and if you/your FI/your parents are working the grill, that might be more affordable? Offering everyone a hotdog, potato chips and iced tea= a meal and then you'd be properly hosting everyone. The food doesn't have to be fancy. If you're having a BBQ wedding, then it's perfectly fine to serve BBQ food! I feel like this option is totally do-able on a budget.
Either of these options could work for you (there are probably others that I'm not thinking of too!).
We definitely talked about doing hot dogs and burgers for sure, I think our lapse in cohesion of the day started with the invitations. First we planned on immediate fam only for ceremony and reception, then we felt bummed we wouldnt be celebrating with friends and other family members too so I essentially split the day into two parties . Apparently a huge no no and now super embarassed about it. ;/
OP, I think you need to consider that one of the benefits of this forum is that you can learn what is considered good etiquette, what is considered mealtime, etc.
Not only that, but trust me: every person on these boards has either committed an etiquette mistake OR came pretty close to it. I personally was getting special snowflake about how it was okay for me to write "Semi-formal" on my wedding website for people to know how to dress. I sheepishly removed shortly afterwards, just based on other people's posts about it in other threads.
Folks on here are ALWAYS happy to help you brainstorm ways to host a great wedding that you can afford so you can maximize the number of people you can invite.
It's true- we've all had something in our minds that was such a great idea and then 20 people on here told us otherwise and we were like "oh shit, I should have known better". It's a really great place to bounce ideas off people and learn.
I think you have penty of great options- like going hot dogs & hamburgers or moving it back to 8pm. Nothing that can't be fixed
And for your original question, it stinks but sometimes it's just really not possible for people. My FI works Tuesday- Saturdays and he can only have off about 3 Saturdays per year. Sometimes if he uses all those up by April, and then we get invited to something on a Saturday in October he absolutely can't get it off no matter how much notice he has. I'm lucky to have a flexible job but a lot of people don't have that.
Exactly what @Phira said. Its really easy to get caught up in the "but its my day"ness of the whole thing, and the nice thing about this board is that they'll talk you off that ledge (or sometimes pull you) back to reality.
So, here's what I would suggest- Hot Dog and Hamburgers (you can start buying them now and freeze them, they'll keep), Do you have a Aldi near you? or a GFS? If so you can get cheap sides, chips, heat and eat apps, and cheese and meat to set out for apps. Bake pies to serve instead of cake. Look into the cost of a keg and a few boxes of wine, or if you've got a Trader Joe's a few cases of 2 buck Chuck are just fine (have some iced tea and water on hand for the nondrinkers). Smartyhadaparty.com has nice looking disposable plates and flatware, or just plain old chinet is fine. You can get rentals, or ONLY if you offer to pick up/drop off, you can can ask invited guests if they have any extra tables/chairs you can borrow. (Do not make guests bring their own chairs!) String up some twinkle lights, hook up the stereo and let the good times roll!!
Exactly what @Phira said. Its really easy to get caught up in the "but its my day"ness of the whole thing, and the nice thing about this board is that they'll talk you off that ledge (or sometimes pull you) back to reality.
So, here's what I would suggest- Hot Dog and Hamburgers (you can start buying them now and freeze them, they'll keep), Do you have a Aldi near you? or a GFS? If so you can get cheap sides, chips, heat and eat apps, and cheese and meat to set out for apps. Bake pies to serve instead of cake. Look into the cost of a keg and a few boxes of wine, or if you've got a Trader Joe's a few cases of 2 buck Chuck are just fine (have some iced tea and water on hand for the nondrinkers). Smartyhadaparty.com has nice looking disposable plates and flatware, or just plain old chinet is fine. You can get rentals, or ONLY if you offer to pick up/drop off, you can can ask invited guests if they have any extra tables/chairs you can borrow. (Do not make guests bring their own chairs!) String up some twinkle lights, hook up the stereo and let the good times roll!!
YES! Start "collecting"piece meal and you'll be fine. You'd be surprised at what you can buy and store - Freeze bbq meats, buns, appetizers, cheese, deli meat. Get canned "antipasti" things (olives, peppers). Get shelf-stable condiments (heinz all the way!). Get bottles of water, paper/disposables, cans of soda, and set them in the basement (where there's a steady temp). You CAN have it all! It may just be a little different that you envisioned!
For reals! Buying a stuff a little bit at a time makes it much easier then thinking "omg we need all this stuff all at once" Buy it when you have a coupon, or see it on sale. Every time you go to the store buy an couple extra things for the party. Before you know it you'll have everything you need!
Re: Fiance's brother claims "cant make it" to wedding
Ditto. We eat at that time every night.
Yes. Move your wedding ceremony back to 7:30pm or 8pm if you want to ensure the reception doesn't begin during a mealtime. Then you can do a cake and punch reception.
By virtue of the definitions of the words "wedding" and "married" you logically cannot have a wedding after you are already married. Unless you divorce and re marry.
PPD's are rude because they usually entail lying to your guests that you already have a legal civil service and are married, for the sake of having a fancy, frou frou dress up day later on.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
No one said you had to have a traditional wedding. In fact I don't see where anyone commented at all on the style of your wedding. Get married outside, inside, or by a fucking dumpster.
However, you need to feed your guests afterwards if you get married by that dumpster during a mealtime, and you need to at least host cake and punch after your dumpster ceremony if it is not held during a meal time.
That is all anyone was trying to explain to you. Your guests aren't going to care where you get married or even if you get married if you don't host them properly. All they will care about is how rude you treated them.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I honest to goodness didnt think 7pm was a mealtime. And I am by no means intentionally being rude. At what time would appropriate to start a reception consisting of only apps drinks and cake?
Your options:
- Private ceremony with fewer than 15-20 people (I think usually less than 15% of the total guest list) in the am. Cocktail reception starting at 8pm.
- Ceremony at 5pm with a cocktail-style reception starting immediately afterwards with enough food to constitute a meal (usually more expensive than a plain meal) and enough seating for everyone (even if it's not all table seating, there should be enough seats between lawn chairs, picnic tables, benches, some table tops, etc)
- ceremony at 5pm with open seating bbq/buffet immediately following. Depending on the number of people you have, this can be pretty easy. I threw a birthday party for my mom with the food for 50 being less than $400 (ETA it was in December, so I used the snow as coolers for most of the food, and it was a jam packed house party) - home made chicken Parmesan, meatballs, baked ziti and salad with appetizers. Then I spent $200 on booze
Of course it isn't. No one needs to be invited to a wedding for it to be valid. But everyone who is invited needs to be treated equally.
These ideas obviously are not set in stone. My intentions were to salvage the invitations I had already purchsed but not sent. Will keep in mind everybody needs to be fed and to only host the number of people we can afford to for the future. Maybe next year. thanks guys
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
It's true- we've all had something in our minds that was such a great idea and then 20 people on here told us otherwise and we were like "oh shit, I should have known better". It's a really great place to bounce ideas off people and learn.
I think you have penty of great options- like going hot dogs & hamburgers or moving it back to 8pm. Nothing that can't be fixed
And for your original question, it stinks but sometimes it's just really not possible for people. My FI works Tuesday- Saturdays and he can only have off about 3 Saturdays per year. Sometimes if he uses all those up by April, and then we get invited to something on a Saturday in October he absolutely can't get it off no matter how much notice he has. I'm lucky to have a flexible job but a lot of people don't have that.