How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

TakerFan1 · March 2014

I am having a small wedding (family and a few very close friends only). I am on a tight budget so we have a small venue (our current guest list is 6 people below capacity of the room and that does not include me, my fiance, or a photographer, caterer, DJ, any of that.) I already have people in my family asking to bring their boyfriends / girlfriends and I don't know how to tell them no without offending them or turning them off from coming to my wedding. With it all being family members and they are all aunts and uncles so I have never had a role of authority over them. They are telling me that I have to let them bring a date because they are not married. I don't know what to tell them to get them to leave it alone and realize that I do want them at my wedding but there is no room for their guests. So how do I tell them that they don't get to bring a date? I'm not asking if I should allow them to bring a date because I have my reasons for not wanting their boyfriend / girlfriends at my wedding I just want to know how to tell them that.

bethsmiles · March 2014

You need to invite people's SO. Truly single guests do not need a plus one but etiquette dictates that you must invite people's girlfriends/boyfriends no matter how long they have been together.

ETA: If I was invited to a wedding without my SO, I would decline. I don't want to attend a wedding where my SO isn't welcome. And I wouldn't side-eye any of your relatives for being upset with you and not wanting to attend your wedding if you aren't inviting their SOs.

ScoutF · March 2014

If your guests have a SO, the SO needs to be invited. If the guest is truly single, you don't have to give them a plus one. You should not have chosen a venue until you had your guest list finalized. You need to do what you need to do to not split couples.

KatWAG · March 2014

I am having a small wedding (family and a few very close friends only). I am on a tight budget so we have a small venue (our current guest list is 6 people below capacity of the room and that does not include me, my fiance, or a photographer, caterer, DJ, any of that.) I already have people in my family asking to bring their boyfriends / girlfriends and I don't know how to tell them no without offending them or turning them off from coming to my wedding. With it all being family members and they are all aunts and uncles so I have never had a role of authority over them. They are telling me that I have to let them bring a date because they are not married. I don't know what to tell them to get them to leave it alone and realize that I do want them at my wedding but there is no room for their guests. Any suggestions?

(stuck in Box)

Sounds like you need to find a new venue. You need to invite social units. That means, if someone considers themselves in a relationship, their significant other needs to be invited.

Being on a budget is not an excuse to leave out SOs.

banana468 · March 2014

It's really rude to not let sometime bring his/her SO on a day you are committing yourself to yours.

That said, you don't need to allow those not in relationships to bring a date.

TakerFan1 · March 2014

But they didn't have a SO when I chose my venue. My guest list was finalized when I picked a venue.

KatWAG · March 2014

TakerFan1 said:

But they didn't have a SO when I chose my venue. My guest list was finalized when I picked a venue.

Well this was your planning mistake. You needed to leave room in your budget/ space in your venue for single people who started a relationship.

ScoutF · March 2014

H and I solved that issue by mentally preparing for everyone to have a plus one. In the end, we invited everyone that was single with a plus one, but not a single one brought one.

If they are in a relationship when the invites go out, the SO needs to be invited.

grumbledore · March 2014

TakerFan1 said:
I am having a small wedding (family and a few very close friends only). I am on a tight budget so we have a small venue (our current guest list is 6 people below capacity of the room and that does not include me, my fiance, or a photographer, caterer, DJ, any of that.) I already have people in my family asking to bring their boyfriends / girlfriends and I don't know how to tell them no without offending them or turning them off from coming to my wedding. With it all being family members and they are all aunts and uncles so I have never had a role of authority over them. They are telling me that I have to let them bring a date because they are not married. I don't know what to tell them to get them to leave it alone and realize that I do want them at my wedding but there is no room for their guests. Any suggestions?

SO's are not plus ones. You must invite them. Also, unless you aren't going, you need to count yourselves.

bethsmiles · March 2014

TakerFan1 said:

But they didn't have a SO when I chose my venue. My guest list was finalized when I picked a venue.

Doesn't matter. You need to find a new venue. Or make cuts to your guest list so that everyone invited can bring their SO.

You should have planned for as if every adult invited had a SO.

edandy · March 2014

Are you not counting yourself to go to your own wedding?

TakerFan1 · March 2014

I'm counting myself, I'm just not on the guest list. I don't need an invitation.

banana468 · March 2014

TakerFan1 said:
But they didn't have a SO when I chose my venue. My guest list was finalized when I picked a venue.

That's unfortunately poor planning on your part. You'll need to find a way to make room or cut the guest list including SOs.

misshart00 · March 2014

TakerFan1 said:

I'm counting myself, I'm just not on the guest list. I don't need an invitation.

But you're still a person. And warm bodies matter when it comes to fire code.

LondonLisa · March 2014

Ditto PP. You must invite all SOs of people that consider themselves in a relationship (regardless of time length). It looks like you need to find a new venue and reevaluate your guest list to include all SOs (they are not plus ones, they are a social unit that must be invited together).

MGP · March 2014

TakerFan1 said:

But they didn't have a SO when I chose my venue. My guest list was finalized when I picked a venue.

You can't expect a guest's relationship status to freeze just because you picked your venue and that's also not an appropriate excuse to split up couples and not invite these new SO's. You need to count on them being in a relationship by the time you send invites to account for space and budget. If by that time they aren't in a relationship and you can't afford +1's then you are still in the clear and didn't exclude anyone. Handling it any differently is rude not to mention piss poor planning.

Find a new venue or cut your guest list if you haven't already sent STDates. Be an adult and make some tough decisions.

a13049 · March 2014

I can say from experience, not getting invited because your not married really pisses people off. My FI was invited to a wedding, but only married couples were invited, si I was not. Everyone else was considered single and SO were not invited because they weren't in a serious relationship. So I was not invited after being with FI for 5 years, but a mutual friend met his wife and eloped only 6 weeks later and they both got invited because they were in a serious relationship. Don't mistake unmarried for not serious. Make some adjustments, cut your guest list or choose a new venue to accomodate your guest appropriately. FI was annoyed because, who wants to go to a wedding without their SO other. Weddings are fun and romantic,.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

Have you already paid your deposit for the venue?

If not, then the chorus of "Find a new venue" you have been getting from PP's makes sense.

If you already have placed a deposit on your venue, loosing the deposit and then finding a new one isn't very realistic, sprry PP's. However, OP can realistically trim people from her guest list to accommodate people's SOs. You don't need to give truly single guests a date.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Have you already paid your deposit for the venue?

If not, then the chorus of "Find a new venue" you have been getting from PP's makes sense.

If you already have placed a deposit on your venue, loosing the deposit and then finding a new one isn't very realistic, sprry PP's. However, OP can realistically trim people from her guest list to accommodate people's SOs. You don't need to give truly single guests a date.

She can't if she's sent STDates, because those are binding for sending invitations.

TakerFan1 · March 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Have you already paid your deposit for the venue?

If not, then the chorus of "Find a new venue" you have been getting from PP's makes sense.

If you already have placed a deposit on your venue, loosing the deposit and then finding a new one isn't very realistic, sprry PP's. However, OP can realistically trim people from her guest list to accommodate people's SOs. You don't need to give truly single guests a date.

Yes I have already paid the deposit for my venue. Everyone on my guest list is family (or friends that I or my fiance have known for most of our lives). No one can be trimmed. I don't see why my aunts and uncles need to bring their girlfriends / boyfriends to my wedding when they will know almost everyone at the wedding anyways. It's not like they won't have someone to talk to. Why do I want to look at my wedding pictures in 20 years and have no clue who these people are in my pictures? Why do I have to share my special day with people I have never met? That doesn't make sense.

ScoutF · March 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Have you already paid your deposit for the venue?

If not, then the chorus of "Find a new venue" you have been getting from PP's makes sense.

If you already have placed a deposit on your venue, loosing the deposit and then finding a new one isn't very realistic, sprry PP's. However, OP can realistically trim people from her guest list to accommodate people's SOs. You don't need to give truly single guests a date.

Yes I have already paid the deposit for my venue. Everyone on my guest list is family (or friends that I or my fiance have known for most of our lives). No one can be trimmed. I don't see why my aunts and uncles need to bring their girlfriends / boyfriends to my wedding when they will know almost everyone at the wedding anyways. It's not like they won't have someone to talk to. Why do I want to look at my wedding pictures in 20 years and have no clue who these people are in my pictures? Why do I have to share my special day with people I have never met? That doesn't make sense.

SITB
How would you feel about not being invited to a wedding that your FI is invited to? You shouldn't split couples on a day meant to celebrate love. It doesn't matter if you haven't met these people are not, they are special to your loved ones.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

TakerFan1 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Have you already paid your deposit for the venue?

If not, then the chorus of "Find a new venue" you have been getting from PP's makes sense.

If you already have placed a deposit on your venue, loosing the deposit and then finding a new one isn't very realistic, sprry PP's. However, OP can realistically trim people from her guest list to accommodate people's SOs. You don't need to give truly single guests a date.

Yes I have already paid the deposit for my venue. Everyone on my guest list is family (or friends that I or my fiance have known for most of our lives). No one can be trimmed. I don't see why my aunts and uncles need to bring their girlfriends / boyfriends to my wedding when they will know almost everyone at the wedding anyways. It's not like they won't have someone to talk to. Why do I want to look at my wedding pictures in 20 years and have no clue who these people are in my pictures? Why do I have to share my special day with people I have never met? That doesn't make sense.

1. Because your wedding day is about honouring a relationship commitment, so you might want to extend that same courtesy to your guests.

2. You have NO IDEA if those people won't be in your life in 20 years; your aunts and uncle could marry those people.

3. It ceased to be YOUR SPECIAL DAY when you invited other people to celebrate it with you. If you want a special day where you don't have to be polite to anyone else, spend a day by yourself. Otherwise, inviting people means hosting them properly.

Also, 'my special day' is a phrase used by people who generally aren't mature enough for marriage, because those who are realise it's JUST ONE DAY.

crunchymamaof2 · March 2014

TakerFan1 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Have you already paid your deposit for the venue?

If not, then the chorus of "Find a new venue" you have been getting from PP's makes sense.

If you already have placed a deposit on your venue, loosing the deposit and then finding a new one isn't very realistic, sprry PP's. However, OP can realistically trim people from her guest list to accommodate people's SOs. You don't need to give truly single guests a date.

Yes I have already paid the deposit for my venue. Everyone on my guest list is family (or friends that I or my fiance have known for most of our lives). No one can be trimmed. I don't see why my aunts and uncles need to bring their girlfriends / boyfriends to my wedding when they will know almost everyone at the wedding anyways. It's not like they won't have someone to talk to. Why do I want to look at my wedding pictures in 20 years and have no clue who these people are in my pictures? Why do I have to share my special day with people I have never met? That doesn't make sense.

Why? Because they're human and your family and deserve to be treated with a little respect.

just because you were too self absorbed to think about your guests before choosing a venue they shouldn't be punished for it.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Have you already paid your deposit for the venue?

If not, then the chorus of "Find a new venue" you have been getting from PP's makes sense.

If you already have placed a deposit on your venue, loosing the deposit and then finding a new one isn't very realistic, sprry PP's. However, OP can realistically trim people from her guest list to accommodate people's SOs. You don't need to give truly single guests a date.

She can't if she's sent STDates, because those are binding for sending invitations.

Sure she can. However she has to be willing to accept the ramifications of the "bad etiquette" which is that ppl will be pissed at her and hurt.

STDs are not a legally binding contract for an invitation with financial ramifications for a cancellation like breaking a contract with a venue is.

While we all try to give the appropriate and best etiquette advice possible on this board, sometimes "find a new venue" is not actually a realistic option, even if it is the etiquette correct option.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

TakerFan1 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Have you already paid your deposit for the venue?

If not, then the chorus of "Find a new venue" you have been getting from PP's makes sense.

If you already have placed a deposit on your venue, loosing the deposit and then finding a new one isn't very realistic, sprry PP's. However, OP can realistically trim people from her guest list to accommodate people's SOs. You don't need to give truly single guests a date.

Yes I have already paid the deposit for my venue. Everyone on my guest list is family (or friends that I or my fiance have known for most of our lives). No one can be trimmed. I don't see why my aunts and uncles need to bring their girlfriends / boyfriends to my wedding when they will know almost everyone at the wedding anyways. It's not like they won't have someone to talk to. Why do I want to look at my wedding pictures in 20 years and have no clue who these people are in my pictures? Why do I have to share my special day with people I have never met? That doesn't make sense.

I'm going to be blunt with you- you fucked up. You should have included all SO's in your guest list count before going out and contracting with a venue. But that ship has sailed now.

Since we are being honest, you aren't going to break the contract with your venue and lose your deposit plus potentially pay a penalty cancellation fee. Not many people here would.

So you need to tell your family members that you are sincerely very, very, very sorry for fucking up, that you didn't know how rude it was to not include their SO's, you are very, very, very sorry for this ignorance, but unfortunately you cannot invite their SO's due to venue restrictions and you understand if they are hurt by this and choose not to come to the wedding.

a13049 · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

TakerFan1 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Have you already paid your deposit for the venue?

If not, then the chorus of "Find a new venue" you have been getting from PP's makes sense.

If you already have placed a deposit on your venue, loosing the deposit and then finding a new one isn't very realistic, sprry PP's. However, OP can realistically trim people from her guest list to accommodate people's SOs. You don't need to give truly single guests a date.

Yes I have already paid the deposit for my venue. Everyone on my guest list is family (or friends that I or my fiance have known for most of our lives). No one can be trimmed. I don't see why my aunts and uncles need to bring their girlfriends / boyfriends to my wedding when they will know almost everyone at the wedding anyways. It's not like they won't have someone to talk to. Why do I want to look at my wedding pictures in 20 years and have no clue who these people are in my pictures? Why do I have to share my special day with people I have never met? That doesn't make sense.
1. Because your wedding day is about honouring a relationship commitment, so you might want to extend that same courtesy to your guests.
-^this, plus its not your place to judge the signifcance of their relationship

2. You have NO IDEA if those people won't be in your life in 20 years; your aunts and uncle could marry those people.

-Unfortunetly, it could be the same with yourself and married guests as well. This unmarried guests could still be together and some of you married guest could be divorced

3. It ceased to be YOUR SPECIAL DAY when you invited other people to celebrate it with you. If you want a special day where you don't have to be polite to anyone else, spend a day by yourself. Otherwise, inviting people means hosting them properly.

Also, 'my special day' is a phrase used by people who generally aren't mature enough for marriage, because those who are realise it's JUST ONE DAY.

^^^^Yes yes yes, "may special day" is almost always followed by rude behaviors or bridezilla. This is the same logic as the 5 year old, "its my party and I can cry if I want to."

rmueller89 · March 2014

I would have to say I disagree with some of the comments. If you only have room for "x" number of people, that's all you can invite. You already have your place, it sucks, but that's what you chose. Since it is your families boyfriends/girlfriends that you're contemplating, I would explain to them before you mail out the invitations what problem you came across. Just be honest,family members & your close friends should understand. If they don't come because they can't bring someone, then they can pout at home and miss your big day. Make sure you're sympathetic of their feelings & express how sorry you are that this has happened. It'll all work out though.

I had to tell my mom she couldn't bring anyone to my wedding. She has been married & divorced 3 times. She's dated so many people since my husband and I met, it was a hard decision to make, but we didn't want some guy in a lot of our pictures that she was going to dump the next week. She wasn't happy, but she still came. She also broke up with the guy 1 month before the wedding, started to see someone else, wanted to bring them & broke up with them 1 week before the wedding- definitely proved my point; it's sad, but I'm really glad I didn't cave & let her bring someone we didn't know/someone who would have been in a lot of our pictures to then be out of the picture.

I am really sorry you have to have those conversations, it's not easy. But you just need to be honest. And don't wait too long to say something, it would be better to give them as much notice as possible so they aren't talking to their boyfriends/girlfriends about going with them & leaving that date free.

I hope your wedding is beautiful.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

This is why every couple should give a plus one to every person without a SO when making their guest list. Then there will be no surprises. Or, make sure your venue is large enough to accommodate additional guests if necessary.

I really don't understand going up to the max the venue can hold in the first place. No one wants to be crammed in like sardines I used to work in a restaurant and we had a room that said held 50 people. Yeah 50 people can fit, but can barely move around.

MobKaz · March 2014

rmueller89 said:

I would have to say I disagree with some of the comments. If you only have room for "x" number of people, that's all you can invite. You already have your place, it sucks, but that's what you chose. Since it is your families boyfriends/girlfriends that you're contemplating, I would explain to them before you mail out the invitations what problem you came across. Just be honest,family members & your close friends should understand. If they don't come because they can't bring someone, then they can pout at home and miss your big day. Make sure you're sympathetic of their feelings & express how sorry you are that this has happened. It'll all work out though.

I had to tell my mom she couldn't bring anyone to my wedding. She has been married & divorced 3 times. She's dated so many people since my husband and I met, it was a hard decision to make, but we didn't want some guy in a lot of our pictures that she was going to dump the next week. She wasn't happy, but she still came. She also broke up with the guy 1 month before the wedding, started to see someone else, wanted to bring them & broke up with them 1 week before the wedding- definitely proved my point; it's sad, but I'm really glad I didn't cave & let her bring someone we didn't know/someone who would have been in a lot of our pictures to then be out of the picture.

I am really sorry you have to have those conversations, it's not easy. But you just need to be honest. And don't wait too long to say something, it would be better to give them as much notice as possible so they aren't talking to their boyfriends/girlfriends about going with them & leaving that date free.

I hope your wedding is beautiful.

You do understand, you could have easily taken photos without your mother's guest, right?

grumbledore · March 2014

TakerFan1 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Have you already paid your deposit for the venue?

If not, then the chorus of "Find a new venue" you have been getting from PP's makes sense.

If you already have placed a deposit on your venue, loosing the deposit and then finding a new one isn't very realistic, sprry PP's. However, OP can realistically trim people from her guest list to accommodate people's SOs. You don't need to give truly single guests a date.

Yes I have already paid the deposit for my venue. Everyone on my guest list is family (or friends that I or my fiance have known for most of our lives). No one can be trimmed. I don't see why my aunts and uncles need to bring their girlfriends / boyfriends to my wedding when they will know almost everyone at the wedding anyways. It's not like they won't have someone to talk to. Why do I want to look at my wedding pictures in 20 years and have no clue who these people are in my pictures? Why do I have to share my special day with people I have never met? That doesn't make sense.

You are being rude and selfish. You invite social units together because it is incredibly rude to split them up. Why would you expect people to come and celebrate your new marriage when you can't respect their relationships? Frankly it sounds like you could stand to do some growing up before doing anything as serious as getting married.

MobKaz · March 2014

TakerFan1 said:

But they didn't have a SO when I chose my venue. My guest list was finalized when I picked a venue.

I'm curious about your time frame and numbers. How long ago did you place a deposit on your venue? That is when you should have finalized your guest list. How many aunts and uncles are we discussing here? Was there some huge, mass family speed dating weekend or something?

How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

Re: How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

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