Snubbed Guest

APDSS22 · March 2014

I think if you're going to invite him, you have to invite his wife. Of course, you could do assigned seating and make sure her chair is the one with one short leg...just kidding. I think. If you invite them both, be polite but not overly effusive and hope that she declines to come out of embarrassment over what a cuntwaffle she is.

MrsMcCaw · March 2014

I would not invite either of them. She certainly made it clear they will never be friends with you again so what are you trying to save? Her husband would only be allowed to hang with your husband if you are not there. Is this the kind of people you really want in your life?

singinchick13 · March 2014

If I were your FI and actually had to attend the wedding without you as per the bride's instructions, I probably would have worked into my best man's toast something about wishing you could have been there....just to stick it to her.

That said, my FI would never dream of attending this event without me, or even speaking to someone who said such things about me EVER AGAIN. His choice, not mine. As for even wanting these people at your wedding after this at all, that is a discussion the two of you need to have together. If your FI still wants to have them there after what they (yes THEY because a wedding is between two people and he could have put a stop to her demands) did to you, I would seriously take a step back and a good look at his priorities.

LondonLisa · March 2014

I had to pick my jaw up off the floor at the fact that your fi still went to this wedding. That is absolutely inexcusable on your Fis part. No "long chat" with a friend can make up for the fact that he went to a wedding where you were specifically excluded.

I'm sorry, but that is actually a major, major red flag. By attending and supporting their wedding he was agreeing that it was OK to leave you out, regardless of what he said. Talk is cheap and his actions said he was fine with it.

schellzinator · March 2014

I agree with other posters - either invite them both and treat them as you would treat all of your guests - or invite neither of them.

I'm curious as to how your friendship with her actually ended if she specifically said you were not invited. It seems like a pretty harsh decision if you just kind of grew apart. But that is not my business - I know that.

artbyallie · March 2014

Really, there is absolutely zero reason his reaction shouldn't have been, "Sorry, I will not be in your wedding if my partner is not invited." That says to me his friendship with this person/couple was more important to him than his relationship with you and that is a huge red flag.

edandy · March 2014

Why did your fiance go???? I would have ended that friendship. I don't think you should invite either of them.

mbross3 · March 2014

I don't think you should invite either of them. Clearly you have no relationship with the wife and your FI's friend is honestly not much of a friend to your FI (based on what we've heard). If your FI still wants to be friends with either of them after they treated you that way, I'd have a serious conversation with him about why that is and why he doesn't think you deserve to be treated with even a baseline of respect by his "friends".

The other thing to consider is whether you want to be thinking about this horrible situation on your wedding day. If this is going to stress out your or your FI, it's just not worth it.

OP, I really, really, really hope that your FI didn't choose to bring a different "date" to that wedding. I can't even tell you how much I feel for you being excluded so horribly from their wedding. When BF's friend passive aggressively sent an invite to her wedding to BF as BF and Guest (even though she knows me quite well AND doesn't like me for whatever reason). BF told her he didn't think he could be in her wedding bc she was not treating me or our relationship with respect. She apologized to me personally (even though I had NO idea that BF had confronted her about it, I reacted like you, trying to ignore it and take the high road, but BF would not stand for her treating me that way and honestly I respect him even more for standing up to her and for having my back). Had she actually barred me from her wedding, I have no doubt that BF would have ended that friendship, regardless of my thoughts on the matter.

emmaaa · March 2014

OP, I would not invite either of them. I think the fact that your FI's friend did not insist that you should be allowed to come to their wedding also shows that it did not matter to him.

As far as your FI not standing up for you. I would be livid. Like making him sleep on the couch, cook me supper, do all the chores for weeks, livid. However, I would not personally end the relationship over this if it was the only occurrence. I sincerely hope y'all have had a discussion about that behavior and agreed it is not acceptable and will never happen again.

My FI (then BF) and I have been together close to 6 years. When we had first started dating (within the first 2 years) we were young and immature. His mom and sister walked all over him and I did not stand for that so there were times that they would say hurtful things to and about me. There was one instance that he did not say anything back to them and just dropped it. I was so angry and hurt that he didn't stand up for me. I let him know that. I also told him I need to be with a man who had some balls and would stand up for me or I couldn't be in that relationship anymore. Never again has he failed to stand up for me. Although, I stand up for myself very readily, it is comforting knowing that he has your back in all situations.

Sars06 · March 2014

If I were you, I would drop everyone in this horrible situation. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? Surrounded by people who treat you like dirt while the ONE person who is supposed to have your back, to love and to cherish you in sickness and in health, enables them to treat you so cruelly?

I know this sounds harsh, but please trust that I do not mean to be unkind. I am very concerned that you hold yourself in so little esteem. OP, you do not deserve to be treated this way.

abbyj700 · March 2014

I gotta say...until I met FI I never had a BF in my life who was overly good at standing up for me. In some cases - they were down right bad at it. I think it's something that comes with maturity, life experience and time to really learn to do for others and to learn you deserve from others.

One of my FI's best friends doesn't seem to like me, has disrespected our relationship, and has declined to be in our wedding. FI has explained that he loves me, is going to be with me - and he hopes that his friend can get to know me, learn to live with it and still share in our wedding. He's told me it's crossed his mind several times to not invite him - I told him he'll regret that.

Your'e on a fine line. This is his friend, a close friend. But this friend (and his wife) and your FI need to learn to respect your relationship. Have you talked to your FI about it and figured out what he is feeling?

Amyzen83 · March 2014

I don't have any advice for this situation because of the way these people disrespected you I could not be the bigger person. I think people have a point about your fi but we also don't know how this all went down. He could just be one of those people that don't always pick up on social queues, men tend to be more guilty of not reading in between the lines. Either way I can't tell OP to ditch him without knowing the facts. If it was a reoccurring problem then I'd have a serious come to Jesus conversation with him about not knowing to stand up for his woman.

Jells2dot0 · March 2014

I do not have anything additional to add, but I personally would love to hear more from the OP.

FWIW, I ended up marrying someone who did not stand up for me and allowed me to be continuously hurt by his family. I was not mature enough to let go, but I finally got the courage after 2 years of marriage. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made (I say one of because deciding to date my now DH was also a fabulous idea!)

Edit- missing words

climbingsingle · March 2014

First, I have to say that I'm sorry you were treated like that. I would have been incredibly hurt and pissed the fuck off.

I'm going back and forth on how I would handle this situation if it were me. I'd either invite both of them and kill them with kindness (especially her) or I wouldn't invite either of them. I honestly don't know which way I'd go.

I have to agree with PPs on the actions of your FI too. I can't believe he actually went without out.

JandM517 · March 2014

melaniejames517 · March 2014

First and foremost thank you everyone for your responses. I was expecting one or two to post MAYBE three. I was not aware I would post on here and have almost 50 comments and 1.3k views. Your quick response were greatly appreciated, and I thank each and everyone of you.

My fiance and I talked when he arrived home from work this morning and have sorted it all out. It took me about twenty minutes to explain and him about two seconds to respond once I finished yammering. He very simply told me "Why would I want that b****, at our wedding?" So easy enough they've been cut off the list.

Now then to answer a few questions that were brought up A LOT.

1. While some of you may find it odd or immature or that I am seeing the world through rose colored glasses I do not. I love my fiance very, very much. Love endures a lot of things. Conflicts will arise and feelings get hurt and expectations are not met. How you handle it determines if you prevail through the storm or if it takes you under. "For better or worse," correct?

2. This was an isolated occasion. Any other time or relationship has come under fire he has handled far better than imaginable. The man hasn't spoken to his own mother who brought him into this world for almost two years now because when he said he wanted to marry me she told him I was the worst mistake he would ever make and it would end in divorce. I can handle him not standing up to his former friend in that situation because he has proven himself at much greater adversities. How many of your fiances before they proposed would choose you over their families?

3. As to why we are no longer friends. She was hell bent on finding me a boyfriend. Took it upon herself to make it her crusade. There were probably ten failed set ups before her uncle came to town and she said he and I should go on a date (he is two years older just incase that may come across as creepy). So he and I went out. Wasn't as awful as some of her other attempts, we actually enjoyed ourselves. We went out several times but both agreed nothing romantic was to be found there so we remained close friends and we are in each other's wedding parties now. Now apparently I was an ungrateful friend. She had told me that since dating family was against Girl Code that by not trying harder when she was so kind as to make an exception that it was a slap in the face to her. Maybe I was in the wrong for agreeing to her idea that he and I should try dating. I don't know that's a whole other topic. That was our falling out she couldn't be friends with someone who was so selfish.

4. Finally my fiance went ahead and was in the wedding at MY urging. The groom was the reason we met each other. He continued on reluctantly fulfilling all his duties right down to the bachelor party where the bride had been very adamant no stripers at all what so ever. My wonderful fiance in his sometimes passive nature ordered (is ordered the right word for that?) EIGHT strippers to dance at the party to stick it to the bride.

I think that about answers all the questions that were repeatedly asked. Thank you again for being so helpful. I hope I can repay the kindness that each of you bestowed upon me. With all that said, I hope you each have marriages that grow more beautiful as time goes on. Here's to honeymoon phases that never end!

J.M.J

Jells2dot0 · March 2014

@melaniejames517. Thank you for coming back and addressing some of the issues and questions. A lot of times, posters come on here and post things that draw a ton of responses because of it's "controversial" nature but then they disappear. I know I personally wanted to know more about the situation, as I felt there was more to the story.

I'm glad that your FI stands up for you on other occasions. That is a big deal. If I were him, I probably would have still skipped that wedding. But, if you really urged him to go, then at least it was something you fully supported.

I'm also very happy to hear that you both have decided to skip inviting that couple. they do not deserve your kindness.

melaniejames517 · March 2014

@Jells2dot0

I personally wouldn't feel right just disapearing. I asked for advice and with that comes with following through and making sure to thank the people. I really did try to pare the story down as much as I could but then all that backlash came on my fiance and I felt awful. I was thinking what have I done? In an attempt to keep it short and to the point I painted him as this wimpy, spineless, guy and myself as a dodo bird, so naturally had to go into more detail.

Your wedding wedding picture at the bottom is BEAUTIFUL!!! I love it.

Amyzen83 · March 2014

melaniejames517 said:
@Jells2dot0

I personally wouldn't feel right just disapearing. I asked for advice and with that comes with following through and making sure to thank the people. I really did try to pare the story down as much as I could but then all that backlash came on my fiance and I felt awful. I was thinking what have I done? In an attempt to keep it short and to the point I painted him as this wimpy, spineless, guy and myself as a dodo bird, so naturally had to go into more detail.

Your wedding wedding picture at the bottom is BEAUTIFUL!!! I love it.

Thanks for telling us more! I think you both made the right decision! It's nice that your fi also doesn't like her either, that's really funny harmless way how he got back at her. She sounds extremely petty! Good luck with the rest of your planning!

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Thanks for updating us! It sounds like your FI has a good head on his shoulders and has your back, which is what matters.

I love, love, LOVE his passive-aggressive jab of getting eight strippers. That's fabulous!

Happy planning!

Vivandiere8 · March 2014

Thank you so much for the update! I was reading through this and getting depressed for you... and then got to the end and saw your update. What a happy ending! I wish more of the controversial posts could end this way.

mbross3 · March 2014

Thanks for the update! I'm really glad your FI realized how you felt and was ok with not inviting them (definitely the best choice I think)!

I know sometimes it's hard to express the reality of your relationship since you don't want to write a novel on here. That sometimes leads to controversial questions/misunderstandings. It helps to get more details! Sounds like he's got your back!

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