A Marriage of Convenience - Update!

abbyj700 · March 2014

I seldom think about and remember that my FI's father is remarried. While he is remarried, his marriage is one of convenience, bringing her health insurance and him...well, I don't know. She lives hours away from him and us and I have never met her. He has girlfriends constantly -which she knows about and doesn't care about. They get together periodically and he cooks her dinner and they talk. My question is...do I invite this woman to our wedding? FI has never met her and wouldn't even think of inviting her. I doubt the FoG would bat an eye at her not being invited but...what is the etiquette on something like this? Should I at least put her (or a plus one for one of his "girlfriends?") on his invite?

Inkdancer · March 2014

I am utterly baffled. This situation is not etiquette-approved--even marriages of convenience in ages past generally tried to look like real marriages on the outside.

It is probably best to have your FI talk to his father and figure out what he wants. You don't want to get caught in the middle of this.

AddieCake · March 2014

How strange. I would invite them both on the dad's invitation and then just have your fiance let him know he is welcome to bring someone else.

climbingsingle · March 2014

That is a strange situation. I'd ask your FI to talk to his dad and see how he would like to handle it.

raeah219 · March 2014

Is health insurance really THAT expensive?

abbyj700 · March 2014

raeah219 said:

Is health insurance really THAT expensive?

Eh, not really. But it's really not my business to judge why they do what they do. If it were really only about health insurance he wouldn't have been up there this weekend making her dinner and hanging out.

My boss and his wife don't live in the same state, haven't lived in the same house for half of their 17 year marriage. But it's their life, their marriage and I truly believe you can only understand a relationship if you are a part of it.

JennyColada · March 2014

@raeah219, there are a lot of variables that go into it.

Personally, I have a "pre-existing condition" (or would, if I let my health insurance lapse), so it's REALLY important that I keep covered. Personal health insurance is pretty expensive, and the "best" way to get coverage is through an employer (which not everyone gets).

melbelleup · March 2014

I would almost just write "and Guest" and play dumb. Oh I didn't know you got married...

photokitty · March 2014

I would have FI talk to his dad. This doesn't sound like a social unit and etiquette requires both halves of a social unit. I think this falls into the gray area that separated couples also fall into. I would do whatever FI and FFIL are comfortable with and exclude myself from the decision process.

Marriage of convince doesn't make sense to me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work for other. There are a staggering numbers of people who stay married, even living together while dating others, bc they can't afford to get divorced. What two consenting adults choose to do in their marriage isn't really any of my business.

AddieCake · March 2014

melbelleup said:

I would almost just write "and Guest" and play dumb. Oh I didn't know you got married...

Her fiance would surely know. No need to play dumb here.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I'd have your FI ask his father, and then address the invite accordingly. Perhaps, if they are friendly, he'd want to bring his wife rather than a GF. Who knows?

Better to ask and know than assume and offend.

abbyj700 · March 2014

Thanks ladies. I think you're right. We have a good relationship with his dad. Just asking can't hurt. If I were a guessing woman I'd assume he'll just come alone. BUT it is his decision.

Amyzen83 · March 2014

Since you both really don't know the nature of the relationship I'd ask him and include her on his invite if he says to, it is possible that there is a love and romance there but they have an open marriage.

phira · March 2014

Agree with previous posters: have your fiance ask his father.

Also, as someone who's dealt with health insurance issues in the past, in a state where we've had better healthcare than most states for a very long time (Massachusetts), I can tell you that yes, for a lot of people, health insurance is that expensive or hard to get. It's not cool or fair, and I don't want to start a political discussion, but as someone who almost married her partner a year and a half ago for health insurance, I can understand the reasons why people marry for insurance.

Amyzen83 · March 2014

Until Obama care not trying to go there but until it passed I couldn't even get private insurance because of bogus pre existing conditions that some quack of a shrink diagnosed me with. I don't want to go into the hell I had to go through just to get crappy private coverage. So yes if you hav a job that offers medical insurance it's far better and less expensive than anything you can get privately

2leadsingers · March 2014

I would let FI ask his dad. I know 3 (!) Couples like this. Married and don't live together and even see other people. I don't understand it but it's not my life. I definitely wouldn't want to offend anyone over it though. If it was some someone like a distant cousin then maybe I would ask someone else closer to me, but since his dad is about as close as it gets to being close family I would take the time to ask.

PhoneCardLady · March 2014

raeah219 said:

Is health insurance really THAT expensive?

Blame it on Obamacare. I was lucky because I've had insurance since 1988. My sister is one of the people who got a letter that she was being dropped.

Right now he has a $500 deductible for a single person; $1000 for a married couple. The union pays for the insurance, or at least most of it.

MY FI has Blue Cross/Blue Shield but with all the cuts it's pretty crappy now. He doesn't go to the doctor but when we get married I will see if he can get on mine. I have Humana..

abbyj700 · March 2014

It really has nothing to do with The Affordable Healthcare Act - they've been married since years before that. No need to bring in politics.

ab6704a · March 2014

We have a slightly different but similarly awkward situation. FI's half brother is married but separated. Except his wife still lives in the home with him and their 8 years old daughter. With her boyfriend.

The wife typically does not participate in FI's family events because she really has no interest in being part of FI's family anymore but their daughter always questions why mommy didn't come. It makes for very uncomfortable situations.

Not sure what we're doing for the wedding yet....

sofakingmad · March 2014

THANKS OBAMA!

(JK)

Fairyjen1 · March 2014

In our case, Fi would insist we don't invite him at all! Even if it was his father. My fi's first marriage broke up due to infidelity (on her part not his) and he's extremely sensitive to anything that even smells of not taking marriage vows seriously. He's easy going about absolutely anything else, this is one sticking point with him.

We had one good friend who suddenly left his wife two months ago to move to an apartment with his 19 year old girlfriend (the guy is in his mid 30s). No warning to his wife, we know because the wife called my fi looking for said friend when he didn't come home for two days. Fi insisted this guy is not going to be invited. Which is probably for the best, because would I invite his wife who he's still married to or his mistress? However, This guy (and his wife) would absolutely have been invited and it would start drama if we didn't invite him since we would invite other friends from this same circle. This would be blamed on me, because, lets face it, everything is reflected on the bride, even if it's the grooms thing.

Granted, a friend is different than a father. This is one of the many reasons our wedding is now immediate family only!

abbyj700 · March 2014

Eh, having an arrangement and infidelity are two different things. Polyamorous couples for example can take their wedding vowes very seriously and still not have a monogamous relationship. I have an acquaintance who is poly. He was recently married and he and his wife take loyalty and complete honesty very seriously. They just chose not to only have sex with each other. It's not anything I would ever do - but it works very well for them as a stable marriage.

I understand your FI's feelings, but we will be inviting his father - even though in the past he was not faithful to FI's mother (his 2nd wife). She has forgiven him for a lot, and they are friends. Honestly - they'll probably end up at the same table. FI's stepfather refers to his dad as his "husband-in-law". This is mostly because he knows that his wife loves him, and that her ex will be in their lives because they have two grown children together.

Fairyjen1 · March 2014

Yeah, this is Fi's only issue. He wouldn't be cool with poly-amorous marriages either, where I think it's fine as long as everyone is on board. Not a choice I would make, but hey, to each his own. I totally get why someone might feel a marriage of convenience is 'no big deal' and they don't offend me!

Like I said, I avoided the issue by doing immediate family only, LOL. This wasn't the only issue, but it helped make the decision.

ChemFanatic25 · March 2014

When I read OP's first post all I thought of was "this would make such an interesting novel."

MrsMarende · March 2014

Why not invite the FOG + guest. He can then decide who he wants to bring?

abbyj700 · March 2014

So boy am I happy we asked! FOG stopped by the house yesterday while I was at work and FI was home (long story including getting bit by a raccoon- oh our crazy life!) FI asked his dad about inviting his wife to the wedding. Guess what came out? FOG did not attend FI's older brother's wedding because his wife was not only not invited - when asked - he was told she was not welcome! At this point (10 years ago) FOG's wedding was fairly new and he was rather hurt and insulted - so he did not attend his son's wedding. We will be addressing his invite formally to both he and his wife.

Though big brother is causing issues all over again. He's making waves about us not having kids, saying he won't be attending anything where his boys aren't welcome. (who doesn't go to their brother's wedding???) and is now making issues saying his dad better not come to our wedding since he missed his. Good times...good times...

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

abbyj700 said:

So boy am I happy we asked! FOG stopped by the house yesterday while I was at work and FI was home (long story including getting bit by a raccoon- oh our crazy life!) FI asked his dad about inviting his wife to the wedding. Guess what came out? FOG did not attend FI's older brother's wedding because his wife was not only not invited - when asked - he was told she was not welcome! At this point (10 years ago) FOG's wedding was fairly new and he was rather hurt and insulted - so he did not attend his son's wedding. We will be addressing his invite formally to both he and his wife.

Though big brother is causing issues all over again. He's making waves about us not having kids, saying he won't be attending anything where his boys aren't welcome. (who doesn't go to their brother's wedding???) and is now making issues saying his dad better not come to our wedding since he missed his. Good times...good times...

Actions have consequences. In your FBIL's case, his action was to not invite his father's new wife, and the consequence is that his father skipped his wedding. If your action is to be disrespectful, the consequence is that people will remember that and treat you badly.

But hey, if his sons can't come, then he won't come, and then he won't know until after the fact that his dad came!

hikebikebemerry · March 2014

abbyj700 said:

So boy am I happy we asked! FOG stopped by the house yesterday while I was at work and FI was home (long story including getting bit by a raccoon- oh our crazy life!) FI asked his dad about inviting his wife to the wedding. Guess what came out? FOG did not attend FI's older brother's wedding because his wife was not only not invited - when asked - he was told she was not welcome! At this point (10 years ago) FOG's wedding was fairly new and he was rather hurt and insulted - so he did not attend his son's wedding. We will be addressing his invite formally to both he and his wife.

Though big brother is causing issues all over again. He's making waves about us not having kids, saying he won't be attending anything where his boys aren't welcome. (who doesn't go to their brother's wedding???) and is now making issues saying his dad better not come to our wedding since he missed his. Good times...good times...

Double standards much?!

A Marriage of Convenience - Update!

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