Etiquette vent -- Yes, YOUR wedding is OBVIOUSLY the most important thing in MY life

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

DH has a co-worker who is getting married in June.

It's a DW. At a beach. In a very, very popular vacation destination. On a Tuesday. At a location that is either an 8- to 10- hour drive, or a really inconvenient four-hour flight followed by a 2- to 3- hour drive from where we live.

DH does not (willingly) fly, and absolutely does not fly anywhere that he could drive to.

The couple sent out STDates in September, that informed us (a) of the dress code (light blues/greens/yellows), and (b) of the couple's desire that we would go in with other people who are invited (whom we do not know) and rent a beach house with them from Saturday through Thursday so as to participate in other WR-activities, such as sailing, snorkeling, clam-digging, etc. -- all of which are pay-your-own-way.

Essentially, we're supposed to vacation with their friends for their wedding.

We aren't able to attend (literally not able -- I would have to take unpaid time off from work to go, and I'm not going to do that), but even if we COULD attend, we wouldn't, because, hello etiquette train wreck much?

We received the invite last week, and I promptly mailed back the RSVP declining and expressing our (OK, admittedly faux) regrets.

The co-worker apparently cornered DH at work last night and asked why we're not coming, and she had come to ours, and she knew that I might not have vacation time yet, but DH and I are taking a week off next month (for a belated honeymoon!) and why couldn't we move those dates to coincide with her wedding and just have our honeymoon in June?

Uhm...really? I should move MY HONEYMOON to coincide with YOUR WEDDING? Are you effing serious?

Also, she told DH that if any more people decline and/or refuse to rent the beach house, she and her FI won't get the discount on their beach house. And, she mentioned that, if we were planning on getting them a gift, they'd prefer cash to cover our absence, rather than a physical object.

He came home last night and told me this and said, 'I should probably tell you more often how very, very grateful I am to you for how etiquette-faux-pas free our wedding was.'

Meanwhile, I couldn't wait to tell you all about this!

ETF: pronoun error

LondonLisa · March 2014

Seriously! What the heck is wrong with people? I love that they need money to cover your "absence" like it is a school exam and you need a note from your mum. I always laugh when I hear about people pulling this rubbish and saying "you don't know my crowd. Everyone loves me and doesn't care"... wrong!

lyndausvi · March 2014

This is a joke right? Please tell me yes, because I busted out laughing.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Nope, this is all, sadly, real life.

This co-worker has always been a bit high-strung and speshul snow-flakey. She and her FI are vegans* (fine) and wanted to know if DH and I would be having a vegan option at our wedding (yes, because we also have vegetarian friends so we accommodated all of them by having a vegan option) and if so, what was it (pasta primavera) and was the pasta going to be GF and were the vegetables locally sourced and organic (uhm...a wedding in Central PA in October; probably the veggies are not local).

* they are 'vegans' who eat eggs, fish, and cheese.

And I also really want to know what they were expecting from us, monetarily, that our absence is going to be a financial problem for them.

cupcait927 · March 2014

Yeah, let me get right on moving my honeymoon to coincide with your wedding. Not. Gonna. Happen. I cannot believe some people are real and think it's okay to say the things that they do.

sarawifenow · March 2014

Wow...just wow.

NYCBruin · March 2014

What did your husband say when she suggested that you move your honeymoon for their wedding??? I would have literally laughed in the co-workers face, not to be snarky, but because I would have assumed that she was joking.

LondonLisa · March 2014

I think you need to send the big metal kitchen cockerel, engraved with their names as the gift..... and a postcard from your lovely honeymoon destination

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

Their poor planning is not your problem. Seriously, what is wrong with people. Oh yes, I'm sure you'd love to have your honeymoon surrounded by your FI coworker's friends.

Where do these people come from?

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

DH is pretty non-confrontational, and this girl is a known drama-llama, so he said he just looked at her and was like, 'Yeah, HisGirl already requested her time off, as did I, and we've booked all our hotel rooms. Plus you know they won't allow us to change time off after our requests are in.' (He works in a small office and basically no more than one person per department can be on vacation at one time.)

Because....really? We leave for our honeymoon two weeks from Saturday. Yes, let us just get RIGHT ON changing that for you, sweetie.

hikebikebemerry · March 2014

I feel like the follow-up is going to be, "DH's co-worker thought the wedding week went so well that she's quitting her job to become a wedding planner."

I get that some etiquette mistakes happen, I do. But at a certain point wouldn't you stop and think, "I am being a shitty human being."?

Inkdancer · March 2014

ETA: my response to the woman who thinks you'll use your honeymoon for her wedding, not to HisGirl. HisGirl is not a bitch.

Vivandiere8 · March 2014

I think the worst part of that for me was asking for cash to help cover you absence. That sets fake obligations to the bride and groom to a new low

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

On a serious note, how did your husband handle it when she confronted him? I'm so nervous about what my boss is going to say when she receives my decline to her wedding, and how I'm going to explain it.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

On a serious note, how did your husband handle it when she confronted him? I'm so nervous about what my boss is going to say when she receives my decline to her wedding, and how I'm going to explain it.

Am I the only person who hopes we get declines? (I know that sounds terrible, but there are definitely people who we want there more than anything, and then there are others that if they can't come, it's no big deal).

We have the money to pay for our wedding with full attendance, but it would be nice to be able to save some of it too.

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

@laurym84 Well, I know my boss NEEDS some declines... her list is 40 people over what her venue room can hold. That room capacity limit is the reason why everyone was invited without their SO unless married (the very reason I'll be declining), and she doesn't want to spend the extra money to upgrade to the bigger room. If everyone accepts, I'm not sure what she's going to do. At least I'll be one of her needed declines.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

@InkDancer, I figured that

@JellyBean52513 -- He handled being confronted pretty well, mostly because (according to him), after he told her we couldn't come for logistic reasons, she just ranted about the number of people declining and how rude that was, since she'd sent them STDates and they'd had tons of time to clear their calendars, and why wasn't anyone taking her wedding seriously and yada, yada, yada.

Then there was an emergency and he had to go, so he escaped.

Invitations aren't subpoenas. People are free to decline them. Why are you worried your boss is going to freak when you decline?

@laurnm84 -- No. I was very, very happy when we got declines, because it meant we could save money. and it also meant that people we had invited out of obligation were not coming, and that made me happy happy happy.

sarahufl · March 2014

Wow, so, so, so many things wrong with this. I wouldn't go either! How do you get off telling people they should pay for their absence?!

lyndausvi · March 2014

I guess we know what their reflection is saying about them as a couple?

And no it's not that they are having a DW that is an inconvenience to their guests.

NYCBruin · March 2014

laurynm84 said:

JellyBean52513 said:

On a serious note, how did your husband handle it when she confronted him? I'm so nervous about what my boss is going to say when she receives my decline to her wedding, and how I'm going to explain it.

Am I the only person who hopes we get declines? (I know that sounds terrible, but there are definitely people who we want there more than anything, and then there are others that if they can't come, it's no big deal).

We have the money to pay for our wedding with full attendance, but it would be nice to be able to save some of it too.

Nope. I feel the same way. Not only money saved, but assuming the declines are from the obligatory/meh invitees, it also means that we get to spend more time at the reception with the people we really really want there.

ei34 · March 2014

I'd like to believe that this is fake...I can't believe the moxie some people have, expecting guests to make their wedding an expensive vacation. I'm shocked your husband's coworker is surprised she's getting declines. I usually send the couple a gift when I cannot attend a wedding, but in this case I'd be really tempted not to!

@laurynm84 I was also fully prepared and able to host every guest I'd invited, but yes the handful of declines I got, I was like "yaaay"! Lol

abbyj700 · March 2014

@laurym84. I'm in your boat. We have the money for each and every person we sent STD to and additional folks who gain SO's between now and then. But in some cases did we invite in circles and expect say the cousin I haven't seen in 15 years to decline? Yes. I wouldn't say we WANT declines - but I'm not going to be heart broken over some people. Sidenote for if said cousin comes - I would be so damn excited!

And OP...argh....seriously? WTF? They actually voiced that they'll lose their discount? I blocked rooms - if we don't fill the block - the discounted price is gone. My comment to the hotel was for them to call if the block isn't filled getting closer to the date - as I don't want my guest to lose their discount - WE will cover the difference. Again - WTF?? These people...argh...

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Normally, I crochet blankets for couples for wedding gifts (yes, it takes a ton of time, but I usually have enough notice that it's not a problem), and I love giving them something handmade.

I told DH straight-up, I am NOT making them an afghan. No way, jose.

He still wants to get them a wedding gift (or he did, as of last week when we declined. I forgot to ask him last night if his opinion had changed).

I normally send gifts, too, when I can't attend.

Amyzen83 · March 2014

Wow! There are just no words for the amounts rudeness in this situation! I'd probubly be snarky and say "I can't imagine why so many people would want to miss out on your speshal day especially with your charming personality"

laurynm84 said:

JellyBean52513 said:

On a serious note, how did your husband handle it when she confronted him? I'm so nervous about what my boss is going to say when she receives my decline to her wedding, and how I'm going to explain it.

Am I the only person who hopes we get declines? (I know that sounds terrible, but there are definitely people who we want there more than anything, and then there are others that if they can't come, it's no big deal).

We have the money to pay for our wedding with full attendance, but it would be nice to be able to save some of it too.

And no I feel the same way. My fi and I see our guest list as a win win situation, if by some miracle everyone can come great!!! More people to celebrate with especially since they all fit within budget. If we get declines it's too bad they can't join us but that's less people we need to host and therefor money we can save

AllOnOneDay · March 2014

My "I'm an evil snarky witch" side votes to get them an approved color of plastic dip as they're been tools if I must get a gift.

But with that drama llama fit - nope. No gift, no card. Nothing. My four year old can behave better than that.

ZiggyZos · March 2014

I can't even fathom the kind of entitlement this bride has. Is she generally a shitty person? Or is this just an extreme case of bridezilla-ism?

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

ZiggyZos said:

I can't even fathom the kind of entitlement this bride has. Is she generally a shitty person? Or is this just an extreme case of bridezilla-ism?

She's not generally a shitty person, but she is generally high-strung, drama prone, self-centred, and selfish.

She and her FI got engaged the weekend DH and I had our first date. We were engaged and had a date picked before they finalised the date.

(Their original STDate, btw, told us all to save 'the week of' their wedding, for their wedding, because they hadn't firmed up the date yet.)

Jells2dot0 · March 2014

OH HOLY HELL. What a freaking mess.

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 I'm freaking because of the reason I'm declining. I'm declining because I'll be invited alone and I have no interest in going anywhere that my SO is not allowed to come with me unless it's a restroom, especially not a wedding. The problem is that I'm not sure there's a polite way to tell my boss this, and I'm a terrible liar so to make something up will be tough for me. Also, we work so closely together that we're also very friendly (and we've socialized outside of work. We're the same age so there's many things we have in common and have bonded over). I'm afraid I'm going to hurt/offend her personally if I decline, and again, she will ask why I'm declining. She send her STD in October so, like your DH's co-worker, it's not like I haven't had plenty of time to make sure I'm free that weekend! My SO said to just tell her he has a DJ gig out of town and I need to go with him. But again, I'm a bad liar.

I actually want to be honest. I want to tell her honestly that being invited to a big event alone is really not preferable to anybody and I hope she gets enough declines that she'll allow her guests to attend with their SOs. The whole staff talks about it behind her back. I almost feel bad at this point, but... she's been very clear that she gives no fucks about how people feel about this rule. They can pay for the cost to move to the bigger room or suck it up and get over it.

chibiyui · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Nope, this is all, sadly, real life.

This co-worker has always been a bit high-strung and speshul snow-flakey. She and her FI are vegans* (fine) and wanted to know if DH and I would be having a vegan option at our wedding (yes, because we also have vegetarian friends so we accommodated all of them by having a vegan option) and if so, what was it (pasta primavera) and was the pasta going to be GF and were the vegetables locally sourced and organic (uhm...a wedding in Central PA in October; probably the veggies are not local).

* they are 'vegans' who eat eggs, fish, and cheese.

And I also really want to know what they were expecting from us, monetarily, that our absence is going to be a financial problem for them.

jnissa · March 2014

The absolute best part of this, is this:

"Also, she told DH that if any more people decline and/or refuse to rent the beach house, she and her FI won't get the discount on their beach house"

Perhaps one should only plan what they can afford for a wedding, rather than relying on numbers? Or perhaps one should pause and say, "Why are people declining in such high numbers?"

Etiquette vent -- Yes, YOUR wedding is OBVIOUSLY the most important thing in MY life

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