Wedding Reception Forum
Options

Gap between ceremony ending & cocktail hour/reception beginning

Hi Ladies!

I'm looking for a bit of insight from all of you into a dilemma I'm having. I should start by mentioning that the date we've chosen for our wedding (3/21/15) is significant to my fiance and I - it is actually our anniversary, and we've already booked our dream reception venue. We're inviting about 210 people, and literally about 110 of them live in the same town that the wedding ceremony (Bristol, RI - which is the town both my parents grew up in, and where both side of my extended family still live) is being held in. Those that aren't local will probably end up staying overnight, and we've reserved a pretty large room block at the hotel we're holding the reception at - which is in Providence, RI. 

Because our wedding is during Lent, and my fiance and I are both Catholic (and my mother's family is very religious), every church in the area is being very strict about the time they are willing to do our ceremony (since there are other religious ceremonies that must take place during the day, such as confession, stations of the cross, etc). It's actually incredible that we were able to get a church to agree to hold the ceremony during Lent, as some of them flat out said that churches are supposed to refrain from celebration during Lent, etc. The latest we can get a church to agree to do our ceremony is with a 1:30pm start time, meaning the ceremony would end around 2:30pm.

The problem is that, currently, cocktail hour begins at 5pm. We were planning to have a "formal attire requested" type of reception (not sure if we will be listing it only on the reception card, not on the invitation, or just passing the word by mouth) and my mother is confident that the guests will use the 2 hours to go home (or to their hotel rooms, which are where the reception is being held) to change and freshen up, since a 1:30pm ceremony doesn't lend itself to cocktail/evening attire for the reception anyway.

Meanwhile, I feel horrible that my guests will need to find a way to entertain themselves for 2 hours. (It's approximately a 30 minute drive from the ceremony in Bristol to the reception in Providence). 

So, I guess my questions are thus:
  • Is having the 2 hour gap completely unacceptable/inappropriate? Should I be trying to beg priests or change cocktail hour (although 4pm seems VERY early for a cocktail hour) to get a shorter gap of time?
  • Should I try to arrange for something for the guests to do during their 2 hour time frame?
  • Should I just not worry about it since, as my mother maintains, the guests are mostly local and can just go home, and those who aren't will be staying at the hotel anyway?
(PS: One of my biggest fears is that people will skip the ceremony due to the gap and - to me - that's the most important part of the whole affair, since that's the actual wedding portion. I know that those nearest and dearest to me would never skip - and I suspect that most of my extended family wouldn't skip either [because it just isn't done in my family] - but then I'm back to feeling like my wedding is just a huge hassle for my guests.)
«13

Re: Gap between ceremony ending & cocktail hour/reception beginning

  • Options

    Oh boy.  In the real world, at least where I live, gaps are the norm- nobody cares, it's extremely easy to either go back to the hotel and relax/freshen up or go out and visit with other friends and out of town guests.  Truly, in real life I have never heard anyone complain about a gap, and we all just go and have a great time at our loved ones' weddings.  With that said, everyone here is going to tell you how AWFUL a gap is and how inappropriate and rude you're being.  Brace yourself.

    It does seem kind of weird that you have placed all these complications on yourself for the sake of a number.  I also completely don't understand why you have prioritized a meaningless date over everything else.  Wedding planning can be difficult enough.

     

     

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    I have personally never been invited to a wedding that had a gap. However there was one wedding I went to where the drive from the church to the reception was 45 minutes. I remember thinking that was a bit much. I suppose if I ever was invited to a wedding with your kind of timeline, I'd probably either attend the ceremony OR the reception. So be prepared that some guests may choose this option.


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers



  • Options
    Your mother is wrong. Just because people are local doesn't mean that they are going to be ok with a gap. I dress up for a wedding- what am I supposed to do in my nice clothes/ hair styled? Sit around and watch telly? I'm not going to be able to get anything done. This is literally the definition of "all dressed up and no where to go" (and there is a reason that phrase is a negative one!). I'm just going to be waiting for the reception to start, frustrated. Also, according to your post, what are the other 50% of your guests who are out of town supposed to do? Sit in their hotel rooms for 2 hours? I'd be really cross at the inconsiderateness. 

    I agree with PP that your first mistake was prioritising a date that was special to you two at the sake of your guests comfort. A few things you need to remember when planning:
    1.) Gaps are always rude. You must host your guests properly regardless of if they are local or not. 
    2.) A cocktail hour must be exactly that- only 1 hour. Anything more is rude.
    3.) A reception is a thank you to your guests for coming to your wedding. Their comfort and enjoyment are paramount even if it means you have to sacrifice something that you really wanted (a date). 
    4.) The wedding stops being about you when you invite guests.  

    This is the only timescale that isn't rude/ breaking etiquette if you must have a 1:30 ceremony:
    1:30 Ceremony start
    2:30 Ceremony end
    2:45 Cocktail hour start (I assumed 15 minutes driving time. The cocktail hour MUST start as the first guests arrive
    3:45 Reception start

    Remember, no one forced you to have your wedding this way. You CHOSE to have your wedding on a day during lent. No one is entitled to have an evening wedding, but if you really want to have one, you have to either find a church willing to have your ceremony later, or move your date. A great piece of advice that is often repeated on here is: If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to make (and live with) adult decisions. 

    Two hours is WAY too long of a gap. And what you are actually saying is that you are going to have a cocktail hour on top of this, which means it is really more like 3 hours until the reception officially starts.  You are correct, if you have a gap your wedding will be a huge hassle to your guests and plenty will skip the first portion.  
  • Options

    Two hours is WAY too long and I am not changing outfits between the ceremony and the reception.  That is just ridiculous.  I have only attended one wedding with a gap, 3 hours, in the middle OF the middle of BFE and that won't be happening again.

    FTR - I married into a Catholic family and have yet to experience the "gap".

    OP - you created this situation and you can solve it by changing your wedding date.

  • Options
    Two hours is a significant time gap. I would suggest pushing the wedding ceremony time back., I went to a wedding once that I was a part of the bridal party. The wedding was at 230 (I had to get there at 1130). After the wedding, the guests (including my FI) went to the reception venue. We took pictures for about 1 hour, then the BP left while her and Groom took  more pictures. The whole time people were at the reception venue waiting outside in the lobby for them to get there. It was hot, stuffy, uncomfortable, and RUDE.

  • Options
    yes, I agree that this is a huge hassle.  Also, you say that most of your guests are local but unless I am reading incorrectly, 100 are not local, so I guess I'm misunderstanding what you mean by "the guests are mostly local."

    No one wants to go home in between the ceremony and the reception.  No one wants to just hang around for 2 hours either.  Would you want to do either of those things if you were a guest at a wedding?
  • Options
    Why would you book your reception venue BEFORE your ceremony? You did it backwards. You must move the ceremony up or the reception back. Having a gap is rude and inconsiderate to your guests. I also think it's childish to do all this because of a dating anniversary.
  • Options
    Gaps are rude. If you care so little for your guests that you would treat them that way, you shouldn't be inviting them in the first place. You need to change the ceremony or change the reception. Picking a date over hosting your guests is one of the most selfish things I've ever heard.
  • Options
    Yeah, listen to these other ladies.  Gaps are always rude, even where they're routinely done. It shows an appalling lack of consideration for your guests. The reason you don't feel comfortable with it is because you don't want to be rude to your guests. I get that the church is not flexible. Then, if your reception venue isn't either, you need to scrap one (and forfeit the money spent) and start over again.
  • Options
    Ditto PPs. You need to either move up your reception time or change your date to something pre- or post-Lent.

    There are no other options. You cannot have an unhosted gap; there's nothing that would sufficiently occupy me for two hours while waiting for a reception; and people should not have to go home and then come back. Just no.


    image
  • Options
    You're not just getting married during Lent, you're getting married during The Scrutinies. I'm also completely amazed that the church agreed to allow you to get married during Lent, let alone on that date, but that is neither here nor there.

    Having prioritised a date over everything else, you are now obligated to host your guests properly within those parameters.

    That means moving the cocktail hour up to immediately following the Mass ending, or whenever your first guests will arrive at the reception venue. Your OP says a 1.30 p.m. start time, so a 2.30 p.m. end time, and a 30-minute drive. That means starting your cocktail hour at 4 p.m.

    Your mother is wrong; your guests will not like a gap, they will not go home during the gap, they will not change clothes during the gap, they will not find something to do during the gap, they will not sit and twiddle their thumbs during the gap, they will not sight-see during the gap.

    Do you know what they will do during the gap? They will kvetch about how rude you are being, and how much they dislike the gap, how they can't believe they're being left to their own devices, etc.

    They will probably not tell you this to your face, because most people are more polite than that. 

    Some of them may get fed up and just go home. Some of them make skip the ceremony entirely and instead attend only the reception -- which, as you point out, rather misses the point of the day. 

    Part of being an adult is owning your decisions and dealing with the consequences of your actions. Since your choice was to have a wedding during Lent, which precludes a later start time, the consequence is you must move everything up accordingly so as to not leave people unhosted.
    I think what HGF means is that the cocktail hour should start at 3pm.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Options
    @KatWAG -- yes! Crap, good catch! Clearly counting is not my strong suit today. If the wedding ends at 2.30, and it's a 30-minute drive, then yes, cocktail hour starts at 3 p.m.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Options

    I have been to a few weddings that have had a gap in between ceremony and reception. The reason always being that the ceremony is in a church and they have to do it early. I understand that this may be unavoidable (for instance wanting to get married in a church you belong too or grew up in) but be prepared for your guests not to show up to the ceremony.

     image

     

     

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

  • Options
    QueerFemmeQueerFemme member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited March 2014

    have an afternoon reception.  You don't get a free pass to be rude just because (a) you are catholic and (b) you booked your wedding during lent. 

    Have a 1:30 ceremony, and 3:00pm cocktail hour.  Reception/dinner starting at 4:00pm. I promise, even catholics will start drinking at 3pm if the liquor is there.  And dinner at 4pm is fine.  Your reception will end around 9pm, and if you want, you can always host an afterparty somewhere.

    DON'T put "formal attire requested" anywhere.  Grownups know how to dress for a wedding. And if they don't, that's on them, not you. It's really tacky to tell people how to dress unless they ask for your opinion.

    ETA:  By the way, Yes, your biggest fear of people skipping the ceremony will happen.  And people DO complain about the "catholic gap", they just don't complain to the host, usually.  I've been to lots of weddings where people were bitching and moaning about what to do for 2 hours. Most of the time, at least a few don't bother showing up for the reception.

  • Options

     scribe95 said:

    Also, I have never, ever changed in between a ceremony and a reception? Why would your mom expect people to do this? I don't understand. 

    Me either. 
  • Options
    I don't disagree with the idea that gaps are rude. I do however frequently attend weddings with them and do exactly as OP's mother suggests. I wear a daytime church outfit to the ceremony and change into a cocktail dress, as do most of the other guests.
  • Options
    I have never changed between the ceremony and reception. Please do not have a 2 hour gap! This will be very uncomfortable for your guests, many whom will have traveled and paid money to attend your wedding and support you. I have been to weddings with gaps, and after the last one I would either attend your ceremony only or decline all together.
  • Options

    I have been to a few weddings that have had a gap in between ceremony and reception. The reason always being that the ceremony is in a church and they have to do it early. I understand that this may be unavoidable (for instance wanting to get married in a church you belong too or grew up in) but be prepared for your guests not to show up to the ceremony.

    Gaps are 100% avoidable. If you want to get married in a church that you grew up in or belong to, and they only have early ceremonies, just start your reception immediately afterwards. Problem solved.

    No one is entitled to an evening reception. If having an evening reception is so important find another church. Gaps say to your guests: all I care about is what I want for my wedding and not your comfort.
  • Options

    I'm not disagreeing with anything said here overall.  But it's simply not true that all guests will absolutely complain behind her back or not show up or this or that.  I'm speaking AS A GUEST of probably 10+ weddings with gaps.  I didn't have a problem with them and neither did any of the other guests I socialized with during that time.  I have used gaps to change clothes, to do my hair, to take a nap, or usually, to hang out at the hotel or a nearby restaurant or bar and drink and socialize with friends and other guests.  I'm often really glad of the gap because it either gives me more time to get ready for the reception, meaning I don't have to get up as early, or it gives me more time to have fun with family and friends.  I've been to weddings with ceremonies of different cultures, where I used some gap time to change from traditional ceremonial clothing into a cocktail dress.

    I'm certainly not trying to discount that the vast majority of you are saying that you hate it and feel that it is rude.  The OP needs to take this into consideration.  I put a lot of effort into rearranging the timeline of my own wedding so there will be no gap.  But please don't speak for everyone so adamantly. 

     

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    I've been to two weddings with gaps; one with my family where we wound up going out for Mexican food (because the little Mexican restaurant was literally the ONLY thing around that was open at that time) and one where I sat around and did nothing for over an hour. 

    I hated them both. 

    The first one we were driving from home for, but the wedding was two hours away. It made no sense for us to get a hotel for such an easy drive, nor was it feasible to drive home to relax in between the ceremony and reception. It was so awkward to sit in a casual restaurant all done up in our nice wedding clothes, not to mention it was very inconvenient for us (and my parents were out more money, since they had to pay for the small meal and drinks we had). 

    The second one I came OOT for, but stayed with a friend who was a BM in the wedding. Since she drove us and had to stick around for pictures after the ceremony, I caught a ride to the reception venue with another friend. There was no food, no drinks, no entertainment until over an hour later when the bridal party arrived. We literally sat outside on the curb in our nice church/wedding clothes talking while we waited. 

    To say I was a little irritated is an understatement. 

    Don't be so rude to your guests. I *never* said anything to the bride/groom on either occasion, nor did we as guests discuss it with one another. Why? Because we had manners and a sense of common courtesy, unlike the bride and groom in either instance. 
  • Options

    I have been to a few weddings that have had a gap in between ceremony and reception. The reason always being that the ceremony is in a church and they have to do it early. I understand that this may be unavoidable (for instance wanting to get married in a church you belong too or grew up in) but be prepared for your guests not to show up to the ceremony.

    It's perfectly avoidable - you find a reception venue that will accommodate a start time appropriate to your ceremony end time.  It's not rocket science.  If you prioritize a church ceremony that gives you time constraints, then you give up the evening reception.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    I'd be seriously ticked over a 2 hour gap if I came in from out of town. If we went back to the hotel room in between events, FI would take off his tie and probably wouldn't be talked into putting it back on. There's no way that I'd change outfits because I'm not carrying 2 dressy outfits with me for a an out of town wedding.

    I went to a wedding a year ago that had a 2 hour gap. It was downtown and most people were either from the 'burbs or out of town. Since no one knew what to do with themselves, we all ended up in bars. The upside was that I met some very cool people. The downside was that many of us showed up to the cocktail hour buzzed or drunk.

    If you insist on your current situation...
    I agree with the others that you can't impose a dress code so lighten up on that and offer something fun- host something at the Dave & Buster's in Providence, get beer and snacks at a bowling alley, etc.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Options

    I'm not disagreeing with anything said here overall.  But it's simply not true that all guests will absolutely complain behind her back or not show up or this or that.  I'm speaking AS A GUEST of probably 10+ weddings with gaps.  I didn't have a problem with them and neither did any of the other guests I socialized with during that time.  I have used gaps to change clothes, to do my hair, to take a nap, or usually, to hang out at the hotel or a nearby restaurant or bar and drink and socialize with friends and other guests.  I'm often really glad of the gap because it either gives me more time to get ready for the reception, meaning I don't have to get up as early, or it gives me more time to have fun with family and friends.  I've been to weddings with ceremonies of different cultures, where I used some gap time to change from traditional ceremonial clothing into a cocktail dress.

    I'm certainly not trying to discount that the vast majority of you are saying that you hate it and feel that it is rude.  The OP needs to take this into consideration.  I put a lot of effort into rearranging the timeline of my own wedding so there will be no gap.  But please don't speak for everyone so adamantly. 

    To the first Bold - You are right that not EVERYONE will be upset about this, but why would you do something that is unavoidable if you know it could inconvenience or offend some of your guests?

    2nd bolded - Why wouldn't you be just as dressed for the ceremony as the reception? I get it if you need to change into a traditional garb, but I truly hope all of my guest feel the need to dress nicely for both the ceremony and reception. 
  • Options
    I would bump up cocktail hour to like 3:30-4:30 or 3-4 (30 minute gap is more polite to your guests and is plenty if anyone actually did want to "freshen up" although I'm not sure that anyone would) You could start your spotlight dances and cake cutting as soon as the reception starts then dinner and then dancing. Maybe like
    3:30-4:30 cocktail hour
    4:30-4:35 First Dance
    4:35-4:40 Father/Daughter dance
    4:40-4:45 Mother/Son Dance
    4:45 Cake cutting (then they can be prepping the rest of the cake in the back to make serving faster)
    5:00 Dinner
    6:00 Dancing
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    vulpiepopvulpiepop member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited March 2014
    I agree with most people on here in that you shouldn't have prioritized a date over the convenience of your guests. Worse that it's a holiday that they may have stuff planned for already. I would HIGHLY suggest rescheduling the wedding to a more convenient date, however if you're absolutely set on it being on this date, then a 2 hour gap is too long. It's especially uncomfortable for your guests arriving from out of town who don't know the area!

    If you can close the gap to a half hour - an hour gap (including driving time), it isn't too bad although it'd be polite to have things for your guests to do in the meantime. If the 2 hour gap is unavoidable, then maybe try arranging for a shuttle/bus/etc. for your guests and take them someplace they can enjoy themselves for that time (museum, landmark, aquarium, etc.), but that also means you should probably pay for tickets to whatever it is you'll be taking them to. Don't expect them to pay for anything while they are there for your wedding. The celebration would then have started sooner so that there's no apparent gap although you may not be a part of it until a little later.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    scribe95 said:
    Also, I have never, ever changed in between a ceremony and a reception? Why would your mom expect people to do this? I don't understand. 
    I am not a fan of the gap but to answer your question, in my experience I've seen people attend the day-time church ceremony in fashion that was more conservative and non-flashy and then go home or back to the hotel and change into black-tie like attire - ie: glitzy formal evening gowns for women. 

    Now, if the ceremony just started later in the evening it would be appropriate to wear the evening clothing to the ceremony, assuming modesty was taken into account.
  • Options
    @MrsMarende, to answer your question, I think in a lot of cases what you want to wear to the reception is different from what you'd want to wear to church, especially if the ceremony is earlier in the day.  Sometimes I have time to put on a nice dress and light makeup before the ceremony, but want to do more smoky makeup, a fancier gown, and curl my hair before the reception.

     

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards