Two general things that I will never understand, inspired by this thread:
1. I will never understand why some brides/grooms try to guilt their guests into giving them cash by saying they can't afford their wedding (or to rent their beach house or whatever) without said monetary gift. Uhh, it's not your guests' fault that you planned something you couldn't afford. It isn't the guests responsibility to pay for it!
2. I will never understand why some brides/grooms are surprised and/or butthurt when guests decline to attend their DW. You have to expect, when you plan a DW, that some guests will not be able to come. Attending a DW requires a lot more time, energy, and money than attending a traditional wedding. So you must expect a low(er) attendance rate if you plan a DW, right? Shouldn't that be common sense?
As someone planning an OOS wedding, I think you're spot on for #2 (well #1 too!) We choose our location in part to keep it small and limit it to family and closest friends. That said, we realize it means not everyone will make it. And dipping low enough on attendance could cost us on the lodging, but we have accounted for that possibility in our budget. Ya know, because it's our wedding. That we're hosting. I must've missed the memo that it's our guests responsibility to fund our celebrations.
HisGirl's FI is a nice person who is being far kinder to this dope than she deserves.
@hisgirlfriday13 if you dh still wants to send a gift i have some ideas for you
did she register anywhere for gifts if so get the most inexpensive gift off the registry
2 send her some candles in a bag but instead of getting the ones that smell good get her the ones that smell really bad. and go to walmart you can get full size ones sometimes for a dollar
or some potpury but again the really nasty smelling ones.
dont give her money she was rude to expect you to switch your honymoon for her no way i can see why no one is rsvping beacuse she wants them to pay for a beach house with strangers and partake in all the festivities and have to pay extra
as a host what she should have done was figured out how many people she wanted and rented out a few cottages for the guest to stay making the burden lessor on the guest as they would only have to pay for the activities or she could have said activties are on us.
so tacky and so rude i work with lots of people but no one i am close to. people want to crash my wedding but they are the jokers at work and would never do such a thing
Don't worry ladies! I am sure their guests told them that they don't mind renting a house with people that they don't know, they would be more than happy to pay for all the wedding weekend extras and they would love to give them a cash gift!
*Please note the heavy, heavy sarcasm*
It just drives me crazy hearing stories like this. Etiquette or not, all the friends and family that were at my wedding were people that my husband and I LOVED with all our hearts. Why the hell would we go out of our way to make them feel uncomfortable!?!? We wanted them to enjoy the wedding as much as we did!
I feel like the follow-up is going to be, "DH's co-worker thought the wedding week went so well that she's quitting her job to become a wedding planner."
I get that some etiquette mistakes happen, I do. But at a certain point wouldn't you stop and think, "I am being a shitty human being."?
This actually happened with my friend's (now) wife! I actually wrote about their wedding in the "Worst Weddings" thread (their wedding was 2 or 3 hours outside of Seattle, rainy day with no indoor location alternative, limited cash bar, head table w/ no SOs, not enough cold food, my FI ended up at a table by himself cause of no-shows (I was a bridesmaid), had previously told ALL guests that there was a shuttle from the hotel in Seattle; turns out it was only for the wedding party (not even for our SOs)...pretty much a big shitshow.)
Soon after her wedding, she quit her job, got a gig as an assistant at a wedding/event planning firm, and within a month, her texts/phone calls took on the "I can't BELIEVE that the 2 CEOs asked me to leave the room in the MIDDLE of the meeting! I have good ideas! I DESERVE to start getting my own clients, blah blah blah..." tone. Then she told me that she and her boss had "mutually decided that this job wasn't the right fit for her" and now she's trying to start her own wedding planning business. And she's trying to hijack my wedding. Right.
(Their original STDate, btw, told us all to save 'the week of' their wedding, for their wedding, because they hadn't firmed up the date yet.)
Hahahahahahahaha. Oh. my. God.
It irks me to no end when couples act like they are doing their guests a favor by having a DW. I will happily attend your wedding if you are important to me, but don't expect me to be grateful to you for "giving me an excuse" to take a vacation. When we take a vacation, we go to a place we want to go to do activities we like - at a time and on a budget that works for us.
On a serious note, how did your husband handle it when she confronted him? I'm so nervous about what my boss is going to say when she receives my decline to her wedding, and how I'm going to explain it.
Am I the only person who hopes we get declines? (I know that sounds terrible, but there are definitely people who we want there more than anything, and then there are others that if they can't come, it's no big deal).
We have the money to pay for our wedding with full attendance, but it would be nice to be able to save some of it too.
dude. I am hoping and praying for declines. My mom insisted on inviting Everyone On The Planet and I don't want them there.
My "I'm an evil snarky witch" side votes to get them an approved color of plastic dip as they're been tools if I must get a gift. But with that drama llama fit - nope. No gift, no card. Nothing. My four year old can behave better than that.
I heard some guys talking about getting their friend a tool for his bachelor party gift. Evil Chipmunk piped up at that point and asked them if a douche would be too subtle.
I feel like the follow-up is going to be, "DH's co-worker thought the wedding week went so well that she's quitting her job to become a wedding planner."
I get that some etiquette mistakes happen, I do. But at a certain point wouldn't you stop and think, "I am being a shitty human being."?
This actually happened with my friend's (now) wife! I actually wrote about their wedding in the "Worst Weddings" thread (their wedding was 2 or 3 hours outside of Seattle, rainy day with no indoor location alternative, limited cash bar, head table w/ no SOs, not enough cold food, my FI ended up at a table by himself cause of no-shows (I was a bridesmaid), had previously told ALL guests that there was a shuttle from the hotel in Seattle; turns out it was only for the wedding party (not even for our SOs)...pretty much a big shitshow.)
Soon after her wedding, she quit her job, got a gig as an assistant at a wedding/event planning firm, and within a month, her texts/phone calls took on the "I can't BELIEVE that the 2 CEOs asked me to leave the room in the MIDDLE of the meeting! I have good ideas! I DESERVE to start getting my own clients, blah blah blah..." tone. Then she told me that she and her boss had "mutually decided that this job wasn't the right fit for her" and now she's trying to start her own wedding planning business. And she's trying to hijack my wedding. Right.
Wait, casey, so craptastic wedding planned, and she goes into wedding planning, only to be politely told she's a moronic asshole when it comes to wedding planning? Thank you, you just made my day.
(Their original STDate, btw, told us all to save 'the week of' their wedding, for their wedding, because they hadn't firmed up the date yet.)
Hahahahahahahaha. Oh. my. God.
It irks me to no end when couples act like they are doing their guests a favor by having a DW. I will happily attend your wedding if you are important to me, but don't expect me to be grateful to you for "giving me an excuse" to take a vacation. When we take a vacation, we go to a place we want to go to do activities we like - at a time and on a budget that works for us.
We went to a DW in Mexico at this awful all-inclusive place. It was terrible and terribly expensive. The bride and groom kept saying how great it was that we got to take a nice vacation. They seemed like they were helping us in some way.
There is no way FI and I would have taken this trip on our own. It was a huge inconvenience, not this big help!
@HisGirlFriday13 I'm freaking because of the reason I'm declining. I'm declining because I'll be invited alone and I have no interest in going anywhere that my SO is not allowed to come with me unless it's a restroom, especially not a wedding. The problem is that I'm not sure there's a polite way to tell my boss this, and I'm a terrible liar so to make something up will be tough for me. Also, we work so closely together that we're also very friendly (and we've socialized outside of work. We're the same age so there's many things we have in common and have bonded over). I'm afraid I'm going to hurt/offend her personally if I decline, and again, she will ask why I'm declining. She send her STD in October so, like your DH's co-worker, it's not like I haven't had plenty of time to make sure I'm free that weekend! My SO said to just tell her he has a DJ gig out of town and I need to go with him. But again, I'm a bad liar.
I actually want to be honest. I want to tell her honestly that being invited to a big event alone is really not preferable to anybody and I hope she gets enough declines that she'll allow her guests to attend with their SOs. The whole staff talks about it behind her back. I almost feel bad at this point, but... she's been very clear that she gives no fucks about how people feel about this rule. They can pay for the cost to move to the bigger room or suck it up and get over it.
Just because you all work closely together doesn't mean your boss is entitled to hassle you about why you are declining. If she asks you why, I think you should be honest- but do so very, very carefully. If you hurt her feelings, or she gets pissed, so be it- actions have consequences. I just hope she is adult enough to act professionally at work and not hold a grudge over something that has nothing to do with work.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Two general things that I will never understand, inspired by this thread:
1. I will never understand why some brides/grooms try to guilt their guests into giving them cash by saying they can't afford their wedding (or to rent their beach house or whatever) without said monetary gift. Uhh, it's not your guests' fault that you planned something you couldn't afford. It isn't the guests responsibility to pay for it!
2. I will never understand why some brides/grooms are surprised and/or butthurt when guests decline to attend their DW. You have to expect, when you plan a DW, that some guests will not be able to come. Attending a DW requires a lot more time, energy, and money than attending a traditional wedding. So you must expect a low(er) attendance rate if you plan a DW, right? Shouldn't that be common sense?
Not only that, but mant couples fall into the trap of thinking they are doing their guests a favor by getting married someplace that their guests can make a "vacation" out of.
Yeah, well, it depends on where you are having your DW. I have zero desire to ever visit Mexico, so if you have a DW there I'm most likely going to decline. Having a DW in Italy? I'm so there.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
@HisGirlFriday13. Have you ever asked them why they don't call themselves pescetarians? I really want to know their reasoning as to why they are vegans.
@HisGirlFriday13. Have you ever asked them why they don't call themselves pescetarians? I really want to know their reasoning as to why they are vegans.
To try to sound pretentious?
I'm not saying that vegans are pretentious, but I sometimes notice that people use certain food things as a social status. i.e. My boss randomly states that he is gluten-intolerant. No buddy, you eat like shit and are looking for a scapegoat. I think it minimizes the struggles of people who have legitimate gluten sensitivities to act this way. ... Sorry for the random tangent.
@HisGirlFriday13. Have you ever asked them why they don't call themselves pescetarians? I really want to know their reasoning as to why they are vegans.
I have, actually! Because, as we've all seen in my other complaints, I am semantically pedantic. I want precision of language.
So, first they were vegetarians -- no meat, but fish and dairy were OK.
Then they became vegans -- but they still ate eggs. Oh, and that weird florescent orange Cheese Whiz stuff my Canadian friends (ahem, @pumpkinsandturkeys) inform me is not really cheese. And probably it's not.
Then he became GF and dairy-free, but they still eat eggs and added fish back into the mix.
She will also tell you, whether you ask or not, that they are vegans because of the horrible cruelty animals are subjected to for slaughter and because it's ecologically and morally and environmentally and whatever-else-ally better to be vegan.
They're also really, really, REALLY into being 'locavores' and only eating foods that are grown/produced/raised locally.
So I asked, once, why they eat fish. We live in Central PA. 'Fresh' fish is optimistic; we don't really have access to fresh fish much, and what we do have access to isn't a very large selection.
Plus, they eat things like Alaskan snow crabs and Maine lobster -- definitely not local. And not necessarily harvested in sustainable ways.
She said that, 'It's really about calories and just getting enough calories into me and him every day, because there's so much he can't eat with the gluten allergy, and this is better than having him starve.'
And while I agree that I wouldn't want anyone to starve, he's starving because he's making ridiculous food choices and being insanely picky. At some point, you have to realise that you're doing the best you can do under the circumstances, and you eat what's available.
So I pointed out that, actually, they're 'pescetarians,' since they do, in fact, eat fish. She snapped, 'No, we are VEGANS who occasionally eat fish and dairy. We are NOT pescetarians.'
Uhm....OK then.
I don't ask anymore. But I also refuse to invite them over for dinner. Ever.
I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
So, first they were vegetarians -- no meat, but fish and dairy were OK.
Then they became vegans -- but they still ate eggs. Oh, and that weird florescent orange Cheese Whiz stuff my Canadian friends (ahem, @pumpkinsandturkeys) inform me is not really cheese. And probably it's not.
Then he became GF and dairy-free, but they still eat eggs and added fish back into the mix.
Never mind 'probably', HGF -- it's not. Same with that weird spray cheese crap. Yuck!
Come here and I will introduce you to the real cheeses of the world
So, first they were vegetarians -- no meat, but fish and dairy were OK.
Then they became vegans -- but they still ate eggs. Oh, and that weird florescent orange Cheese Whiz stuff my Canadian friends (ahem, @pumpkinsandturkeys) inform me is not really cheese. And probably it's not.
Then he became GF and dairy-free, but they still eat eggs and added fish back into the mix.
Never mind 'probably', HGF -- it's not. Same with that weird spray cheese crap. Yuck!
Come here and I will introduce you to the real cheeses of the world
I think they're labeled "cheese-like product" or at least that's what my college Chemistry of Cooking textbook said under the heading "only found in the US". I guess if it's enough chemicals and doesn't include actual milk product it would be vegan...
@HisGirlFriday13. Have you ever asked them why they don't call themselves pescetarians? I really want to know their reasoning as to why they are vegans.
I have, actually! Because, as we've all seen in my other complaints, I am semantically pedantic. I want precision of language.
So, first they were vegetarians -- no meat, but fish and dairy were OK.
Then they became vegans -- but they still ate eggs. Oh, and that weird florescent orange Cheese Whiz stuff my Canadian friends (ahem, @pumpkinsandturkeys) inform me is not really cheese. And probably it's not.
Then he became GF and dairy-free, but they still eat eggs and added fish back into the mix.
She will also tell you, whether you ask or not, that they are vegans because of the horrible cruelty animals are subjected to for slaughter and because it's ecologically and morally and environmentally and whatever-else-ally better to be vegan.
They're also really, really, REALLY into being 'locavores' and only eating foods that are grown/produced/raised locally.
So I asked, once, why they eat fish. We live in Central PA. 'Fresh' fish is optimistic; we don't really have access to fresh fish much, and what we do have access to isn't a very large selection.
Plus, they eat things like Alaskan snow crabs and Maine lobster -- definitely not local. And not necessarily harvested in sustainable ways.
She said that, 'It's really about calories and just getting enough calories into me and him every day, because there's so much he can't eat with the gluten allergy, and this is better than having him starve.'
And while I agree that I wouldn't want anyone to starve, he's starving because he's making ridiculous food choices and being insanely picky. At some point, you have to realise that you're doing the best you can do under the circumstances, and you eat what's available.
So I pointed out that, actually, they're 'pescetarians,' since they do, in fact, eat fish. She snapped, 'No, we are VEGANS who occasionally eat fish and dairy. We are NOT pescetarians.'
Uhm....OK then.
I don't ask anymore. But I also refuse to invite them over for dinner. Ever.
Perhaps a dictionary would make a nice wedding gift.
Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
@HisGirlFriday13. Have you ever asked them why they don't call themselves pescetarians? I really want to know their reasoning as to why they are vegans.
I have, actually! Because, as we've all seen in my other complaints, I am semantically pedantic. I want precision of language.
So, first they were vegetarians -- no meat, but fish and dairy were OK.
Then they became vegans -- but they still ate eggs. Oh, and that weird florescent orange Cheese Whiz stuff my Canadian friends (ahem, @pumpkinsandturkeys) inform me is not really cheese. And probably it's not.
Then he became GF and dairy-free, but they still eat eggs and added fish back into the mix.
She will also tell you, whether you ask or not, that they are vegans because of the horrible cruelty animals are subjected to for slaughter and because it's ecologically and morally and environmentally and whatever-else-ally better to be vegan.
They're also really, really, REALLY into being 'locavores' and only eating foods that are grown/produced/raised locally.
So I asked, once, why they eat fish. We live in Central PA. 'Fresh' fish is optimistic; we don't really have access to fresh fish much, and what we do have access to isn't a very large selection.
Plus, they eat things like Alaskan snow crabs and Maine lobster -- definitely not local. And not necessarily harvested in sustainable ways.
She said that, 'It's really about calories and just getting enough calories into me and him every day, because there's so much he can't eat with the gluten allergy, and this is better than having him starve.'
And while I agree that I wouldn't want anyone to starve, he's starving because he's making ridiculous food choices and being insanely picky. At some point, you have to realise that you're doing the best you can do under the circumstances, and you eat what's available.
So I pointed out that, actually, they're 'pescetarians,' since they do, in fact, eat fish. She snapped, 'No, we are VEGANS who occasionally eat fish and dairy. We are NOT pescetarians.'
Uhm....OK then.
I don't ask anymore. But I also refuse to invite them over for dinner. Ever.
So, I have been playing with my diet because my doctor thinks I have a food allergy. We have tried to pin point it for years. I have gone gluten free before and am doing it again starting this week. Trust me, I am FAR from starving. That is a super lame excuse.
Wow. I don't feel so bad for asking my guest to pay for their own meal at my Vegas wedding. Kidding!! I'm properly hosting my guests of course. I hope someone explains to the poor girl why they are declining so she will reconsider her not so well thought out plan.
Oh my gosh this is so awful!! Ugh. I'm actually relieved for you that you had a reason not to go. I mean who actually expects people to rearrange their HONEYMOON for that.
Seriously. Some people are just so crazy. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this!
Good lord. My friend is a vegan and has Celiac disease, and she eats plenty. She's a gorgeous, curvy, hot woman with hips from here to eternity and in prime health.
They're just being stupid about it. Do they have any idea how many calories are in peanuts? He could get nearly half his daily calories out of one, measly cup of peanuts.
Normally, I crochet blankets for couples for wedding gifts (yes, it takes a ton of time, but I usually have enough notice that it's not a problem), and I love giving them something handmade.
I told DH straight-up, I am NOT making them an afghan. No way, jose.
He still wants to get them a wedding gift (or he did, as of last week when we declined. I forgot to ask him last night if his opinion had changed).
I normally send gifts, too, when I can't attend.
I do quilts
Only if I like them and I'm not just going out of obligation. lol
JellyBean52513 I agree that it's really really really rude of her not to invite your SO, but if you are close to her, and you're dreading declining why not just go? It's not like you wont know anybody there. Your coworkers will be there and you guys can stick together since she didn't invite their SOs either. Maybe you can make a "girls night" out of it. That way you avoid the awkwardness that you might wrongfully face in the office if you decline. I'm not saying you're wrong in any way, I'm just saying that it may save you a headache and stress if you just go ahead and go alone.
Re: Etiquette vent -- Yes, YOUR wedding is OBVIOUSLY the most important thing in MY life
Officially hitched as of 10/25/13
As someone planning an OOS wedding, I think you're spot on for #2 (well #1 too!) We choose our location in part to keep it small and limit it to family and closest friends. That said, we realize it means not everyone will make it. And dipping low enough on attendance could cost us on the lodging, but we have accounted for that possibility in our budget. Ya know, because it's our wedding. That we're hosting. I must've missed the memo that it's our guests responsibility to fund our celebrations.
HisGirl's FI is a nice person who is being far kinder to this dope than she deserves.
did she register anywhere for gifts if so get the most inexpensive gift off the registry
2 send her some candles in a bag but instead of getting the ones that smell good get her the ones that smell really bad. and go to walmart you can get full size ones sometimes for a dollar
or some potpury but again the really nasty smelling ones.
dont give her money she was rude to expect you to switch your honymoon for her no way i can see why no one is rsvping beacuse she wants them to pay for a beach house with strangers and partake in all the festivities and have to pay extra
as a host what she should have done was figured out how many people she wanted and rented out a few cottages for the guest to stay making the burden lessor on the guest as they would only have to pay for the activities or she could have said activties are on us.
so tacky and so rude i work with lots of people but no one i am close to. people want to crash my wedding but they are the jokers at work and would never do such a thing
*Please note the heavy, heavy sarcasm*
It just drives me crazy hearing stories like this. Etiquette or not, all the friends and family that were at my wedding were people that my husband and I LOVED with all our hearts. Why the hell would we go out of our way to make them feel uncomfortable!?!? We wanted them to enjoy the wedding as much as we did!
I heard some guys talking about getting their friend a tool for his bachelor party gift. Evil Chipmunk piped up at that point and asked them if a douche would be too subtle.
Wait, casey, so craptastic wedding planned, and she goes into wedding planning, only to be politely told she's a moronic asshole when it comes to wedding planning? Thank you, you just made my day.
There is no way FI and I would have taken this trip on our own. It was a huge inconvenience, not this big help!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Yeah, well, it depends on where you are having your DW. I have zero desire to ever visit Mexico, so if you have a DW there I'm most likely going to decline. Having a DW in Italy? I'm so there.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Don't be rude, send a gift. I think a framed photo of you and your DH on your honeymoon will be lovely.
If you get them a dictionary, make sure you highlight "vegan" and "pescatarian" and "etiquette" and "rude". Underline rude and put a star by it too.
I'm actually relieved for you that you had a reason not to go. I mean who actually expects people to rearrange their HONEYMOON for that.
Seriously. Some people are just so crazy. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this!