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High Expectations?!?

cfh071000cfh071000 member
First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

My MOH is throwing me a lingerie shower in a couple weeks and I gave her a list of about 15 people to invite, and said the location was up to her.  She chose a cute place with a rooftop patio.  I asked her about the menu, and she said that it is up to the guests to pay/order their own food/drinks (the venue is a restaurant).  I am a little taken back by this, because I think if you invite people to a shower, then food/drinks should be provided and then if they would like something else that's not provided, they can purchase it on their own.  Am I wrong to think this?

Also, I have a really hard time with this, because when I was her MOH, she gave me a list of 75 people to invite to her Wedding Shower (guys and girls).  I planned the entire Shower, as I was the only person in the bridal party.  I also footed the entire bill on my own for the whole thing.  I know you don't do something for somebody and expect the same in return, but I just feel like this is not right!  Am I just expecting too much here?

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Re: High Expectations?!?

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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    cfh071000 said:

    My MOH is throwing me a lingerie shower in a couple weeks and I gave her a list of about 15 people to invite, and said the location was up to her.  She chose a cute place with a rooftop patio.  I asked her about the menu, and she said that it is up to the guests to pay/order their own food/drinks (the venue is a restaurant).  I am a little taken back by this, because I think if you invite people to a shower, then food/drinks should be provided and then if they would like something else that's not provided, they can purchase it on their own.  Am I wrong to think this?

    Also, I have a really hard time with this, because when I was her MOH, she gave me a list of 75 people to invite to her Wedding Shower (guys and girls).  I planned the entire Shower, as I was the only person in the bridal party.  I also footed the entire bill on my own for the whole thing.  I know you don't do something for somebody and expect the same in return, but I just feel like this is not right!  Am I just expecting too much here?

    It's up to the MOH to host (or not host) whatever party she wants to and can afford.

    Just because you footed the bill for the enormous (75 people?!? Holy crap!!) party that she wanted doesn't mean that she owes you the same thing. It's clear that you expect that, though.

    As far as having guests pay their own way; that's borderline tacky. If they're invited to an event and it's clear that everybody pays their own way (such as a bachelorette party), then it's OK, but it is odd that the MOH is 'hosting' a shower that she's not actually hosting or paying for. 
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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    banana468 said:

    Tell her that you're thankful but can't accept the shower where guests are expected to pay for their food.

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    cfh071000cfh071000 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    I agree with all of the above!  The invites have already been sent and I was not aware of the food situation until yesterday...Should l just foot the bill or mention it to her, maybe she isn't even aware that it's tacky?
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    cfh071000cfh071000 member
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    How do I do that when the invites have been sent and people have RSVP'd?
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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
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    cfh071000 said:
    I agree with all of the above!  The invites have already been sent and I was not aware of the food situation until yesterday...Should l just foot the bill or mention it to her, maybe she isn't even aware that it's tacky?
    You shouldn't pay for it, but given the situation, if it's the only option, then I would.

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    cfh071000cfh071000 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary

    I was thinking of buying appetizers for the group, but I wasn't sure if I should say something to my MOH beforehand or just purchase them the day of. 

    Also, I know my other BMs have offered to help, but she has told them that she doesnt need help.

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    Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
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    edited March 2014
    What a mess. I'm sorry your MOH put you in that position. If it was me, I'd personally pay for it behind the scenes. It's not appropriate to "host" your own bridal shower, but I just wouldn't feel right about having people come to a party to celebrate me, bring me gifts, and on top of that have to pay for their food. Not acceptable.

    P.S.- Your MOH sounds a bit like a control freak. She wouldn't even let the bridesmaids contribute.
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    cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
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    Blue_Bird said:
    What a mess. I'm sorry your MOH put you in that position. If it was me, I'd personally pay for it behind the scenes. It's not appropriate to "host" your own bridal shower, but I just wouldn't feel right about having people come to a party to celebrate me, bring me gifts, and on top of that have to pay for their food. Not acceptable.

    P.S.- Your MOH sounds a bit like a control freak. She wouldn't even let the bridesmaids contribute.


    I agree with this.  Although its not perfect, I think it would be worse to make people pay for food than to just pay for it anyway.

    My only concern is how would the MOH react to you paying for the food???  It seems like she wouldn't take it very well.

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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
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    GlitterWitch22 said:
    No, you can't foot the bill.  You may end up having to change the shower plans completely (not YOU, but your MOH) and send corrected invites with the new info.  "Change of plans, CFH's shower will now be held at XYZ Tea Room, join us for cake and punch, etc"  

    Worst case scenario, you (not you really, your MOH) find a way to spread the word that it is a pay-your-own-way kind of thing and just grin & bear it.  That way, at least people know what to expect??
    Eh, I would absolutely foot the bill if the event was not cancelled/rescheduled and the invites already went out rather than having guests paying their own way.  While it should only reflect badly on the MOH, in reality it will reflect badly on the bride.

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    Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
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    I was just venting about this to my mother. If it is a gift giving event... the guests should be provided with food. To ask the guest to bring a gift and feed themselves is one of the rudest things I think! (I was just invited to a potluck brunch for my 1 year old niece's birthday party. It said POTLUCK on the invite)
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    Do the guests know they're paying for their own food? If this plan isn't common among your guests, it might get super awkward when the bill arrives.
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    bubblegum1309 said:


    Blue_Bird said:

    bubblegum1309 said:

    I was just venting about this to my mother. If it is a gift giving event... the guests should be provided with food. To ask the guest to bring a gift and feed themselves is one of the rudest things I think! (I was just invited to a potluck brunch for my 1 year old niece's birthday party. It said POTLUCK on the invite)

    Stuck in the box: I was invited to a potluck baby shower recently. I went like a fool, gift and dish in hand because I love the guest of honor. It just never ends. People just don't get it. Probably because people are too polite to speak up, so they reason, "Oh, my circle understands. We do this all the time!"


    You're right because this particular "host" is a repeat offender. Every single party is a damn potluck. If its just a regular cook out / get together then I am totally fine with a potluck. I am also fine with bringing a dish to a gift giving party if I am close with the host (although it is because I offered, not asked to). But to have it actually state on the invite it is a potluck when I am expected to also bring a gift for you/your kid/husband/sister (I did mention repeat offender) I can't stand it and I'm gonna flip out one of these days (it probably doesn't help that in the past I had been called out by said offender because the dish I brought was not home made although I tried to pass it off as such. Listen, sorry I don't have time to make home made potato salad because I was busy picking up a gift as well. But thanks for trying to embarrass me in front of everyone). Yikes... I am a lot angrier then I thought....

    ETA: Sorry OP for going off on my own rant vs offering advice.

    Stop going to these events or stop bringing a gift/food. She will get the hint.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    Blue_Bird said:
    I was just venting about this to my mother. If it is a gift giving event... the guests should be provided with food. To ask the guest to bring a gift and feed themselves is one of the rudest things I think! (I was just invited to a potluck brunch for my 1 year old niece's birthday party. It said POTLUCK on the invite)

    Stuck in the box: I was invited to a potluck baby shower recently. I went like a fool, gift and dish in hand because I love the guest of honor. It just never ends. People just don't get it. Probably because people are too polite to speak up, so they reason, "Oh, my circle understands. We do this all the time!"
    You're right because this particular "host" is a repeat offender. Every single party is a damn potluck. If its just a regular cook out / get together then I am totally fine with a potluck. I am also fine with bringing a dish to a gift giving party if I am close with the host (although it is because I offered, not asked to). But to have it actually state on the invite it is a potluck when I am expected to also bring a gift for you/your kid/husband/sister (I did mention repeat offender) I can't stand it and I'm gonna flip out one of these days (it probably doesn't help that in the past I had been called out by said offender because the dish I brought was not home made although I tried to pass it off as such. Listen, sorry I don't have time to make home made potato salad because I was busy picking up a gift as well. But thanks for trying to embarrass me in front of everyone). Yikes... I am a lot angrier then I thought.... ETA: Sorry OP for going off on my own rant vs offering advice.
    Stop going to these events or stop bringing a gift/food. She will get the hint.
    Seriously? I agree with PrettyGirlLost. Stop going to her tacky events.
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    thesummerskythesummersky member
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    I would agree that some kind of food and beverages need to be provided. If that's out of the budget for the restaurant she's selected, I would ask her to consider choosing a more intimate venue where something small like soda and cupcakes are served (perhaps someone's house?). And of course, whatever happens, thank her for offering to host it in the first place. With how close my MOH are, I'd probably just tell her straight up that hosting means providing drinks and appetizers - I would hope that my best friend would be that honest with me to prevent me from being rude!

    Also, I would not recommend you foot the bill the day of. Not only will you technically be hosting your own shower, but if you don't discuss this with her first, she may be taken aback by your lack of ability to trust her hosting (whether her hosting is good or not). Best of luck!
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    APDSS22APDSS22 member
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    Any way you could talk to your other BM's about this?  Maybe they'll offer to pay for a round of drinks and apps so that you're not hosting your own shower but your guests also don't have to pay. 
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    MrsMarendeMrsMarende member
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    If it is too late to decline I would pay for it.
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    tesgirl123tesgirl123 member
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    If I was expected to bring a gift to a shower I would expect to be fed. I tend to bring small gifts to bachelorette parties but that's my group of friends. At this point, call your friend and tell her that you feel uncomfortable having guests pay for food at a shower. Tell her you respect the fact that she might not be able to pay for everyone's food and drink, but if you other BMs have offered to help, she doesn't have to go it alone. BTW, you are a saint for paying for a 75 person party alone.
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    RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I would have absolutely no problem telling her that I cannot accept a shower where the guests aren't adequately hosted. We could change the location to something affordable, or cancel altogether. But no guest of mine would pay for anything. I'm sorry your friend is so rude.
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    LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    How long ago were invitations sent? I think your best course of action is to cancel this whole debacle. 

    You absolutely cannot have your guests pay for their own food and drinks. Do you have a house that could fit 15 people? Maybe shift it to your house and get some snacks and drinks for everyone, that would be more affordable. All you really need is cake, punch and some nibbles. 

    I'm really sorry you are stuck with this, but you have to intervene now. I would be aghast if I was invited to a shower and had to pay my own way, and I hate to say it, but I would assume that the bride knew/condoned this behaviour. As much as she is saying she is the hostess, it does reflect poorly on you.
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    hyechica81hyechica81 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    tell her strait up i was not prepared for this as a host you have to properly host if you cannot afford this venue then have it somewhere else where you can afford to pay for some kind of food be bold and upfront dont sugar coat it
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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
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    You could decline, but I hesitated to suggest that since I assume you are not looking to have a huge falling out with your MOH.

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Oh boy.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this trainwreck.

    I hope your MOH changes the plans and doesn't make everyone pay their own way.  Even if invitations have already gone out, it's safer to cancel then take such a risk of upsetting your guests.  I'd just let them know (technically, your MOH should do this, but I doubt she will) that the event has been canceled.
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    cfh071000cfh071000 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    Yes, this is my only shower. 
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