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Etiquette

How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

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Re: How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

  • mbross3 said:
    Honestly, I'm with you on that.  The only people that were allowed guest on my guest list are people that are married.  Any others, I specifically said, Please only RSVP for guest listed on invitation.  Most people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone especially if you don't know their SO.  My single guest were fine with not bringing their SO they understood.
    Your "single" guests would not have had an SO to bring. Single means not part of a couple. So to the bolded, this just doesn't make any sense. If someone is truly single when invites go out, you don't have to give them a plus one. 

    If you're inviting anyone in a relationship than you need to invite their SO. Just married people? You weren't even married to you SO at that point! So by your own reasoning your relationship wasn't worth acknowledging?? That is some faulty (read: DUMB) logic. 
    According to the dictionary the actual definition of the word single is unmarried.  When you fill out any official forms it doesn't matter how long you have been dating, if you are living together, or even engaged which little box do you choose?  Single!  There is no box for "in a committed relationship" because the government doesn't recognize any relationship outside of married.  I also believe that the poster just said that only married couples were invited together all single guests were invited alone so by that logic her and her fiance would qualify to be invite to their own wedding just as 2 single people.
    aleighc3
  • TakerFan1 said:
    mbross3 said:
    Honestly, I'm with you on that.  The only people that were allowed guest on my guest list are people that are married.  Any others, I specifically said, Please only RSVP for guest listed on invitation.  Most people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone especially if you don't know their SO.  My single guest were fine with not bringing their SO they understood.
    Your "single" guests would not have had an SO to bring. Single means not part of a couple. So to the bolded, this just doesn't make any sense. If someone is truly single when invites go out, you don't have to give them a plus one. 

    If you're inviting anyone in a relationship than you need to invite their SO. Just married people? You weren't even married to you SO at that point! So by your own reasoning your relationship wasn't worth acknowledging?? That is some faulty (read: DUMB) logic. 
    According to the dictionary the actual definition of the word single is unmarried.  When you fill out any official forms it doesn't matter how long you have been dating, if you are living together, or even engaged which little box do you choose?  Single!  There is no box for "in a committed relationship" because the government doesn't recognize any relationship outside of married.  I also believe that the poster just said that only married couples were invited together all single guests were invited alone so by that logic her and her fiance would qualify to be invite to their own wedding just as 2 single people.
    This isn't true everywhere. My FI and I are in a common-law relationship, which is recognized by the government. When we fill out any legal forms we DO NOT check the single box. Neither of us is single, and for the past 2 years the government has not recognized us as single. However, following the logic of some PP, FI and I would not be invited to weddings together because we are not legally married. 

    And even if our common-law relationship was not recognized by the government, we have lived together for 4.5 years and would both be extremely angry if some one invited only one of us to their wedding because they had a "no ring no bring" policy.

    Anniversary
    ZiggyZosPrettyGirlLostluckysnorkel
  • I'm just pointing out that the definition of single is not what everyone on here is spouting out.
    aleighc3
  • mbross3mbross3 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited March 2014
    cmfarr said:
    TakerFan1 said:
    mbross3 said:
    Honestly, I'm with you on that.  The only people that were allowed guest on my guest list are people that are married.  Any others, I specifically said, Please only RSVP for guest listed on invitation.  Most people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone especially if you don't know their SO.  My single guest were fine with not bringing their SO they understood.
    Your "single" guests would not have had an SO to bring. Single means not part of a couple. So to the bolded, this just doesn't make any sense. If someone is truly single when invites go out, you don't have to give them a plus one. 

    If you're inviting anyone in a relationship than you need to invite their SO. Just married people? You weren't even married to you SO at that point! So by your own reasoning your relationship wasn't worth acknowledging?? That is some faulty (read: DUMB) logic. 
    According to the dictionary the actual definition of the word single is unmarried.  When you fill out any official forms it doesn't matter how long you have been dating, if you are living together, or even engaged which little box do you choose?  Single!  There is no box for "in a committed relationship" because the government doesn't recognize any relationship outside of married.  I also believe that the poster just said that only married couples were invited together all single guests were invited alone so by that logic her and her fiance would qualify to be invite to their own wedding just as 2 single people.
    This isn't true everywhere. My FI and I are in a common-law relationship, which is recognized by the government. When we fill out any legal forms we DO NOT check the single box. Neither of us is single, and for the past 2 years the government has not recognized us as single. However, following the logic of some PP, FI and I would not be invited to weddings together because we are not legally married. 

    And even if our common-law relationship was not recognized by the government, we have lived together for 4.5 years and would both be extremely angry if some one invited only one of us to their wedding because they had a "no ring no bring" policy.
    ____________________________________________________


    @TakerFan1 I appreciate your effort (with the governmental definition) but it doesn't really aid your argument much when each state's (or country's) government has a different definition of single. For example when I moved from state x to state y last year, suddenly all state government forms (tax, driver's license, etc) offered "single, married, civil union, domestic partnership, or other". Lots of options. cool. 

    I have to believe you're being intentionally dense, because while the various governments have differing opinions on valid relationships, the ONLY opinions that should matter in social situations are those of the individuals who are actually in the relationship. If your friend identifies as is in a relationship (dating, married, engaged, whatever) then they are not single no matter how they fill out their tax return. 


    ETA: No matter how you try to justify it, if a bride and groom do this they are passing judgment on someone else's relationship and it's rude. that's all. 
    grumbledorePrettyGirlLost
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    TakerFan1 said:
    mbross3 said:
    Honestly, I'm with you on that.  The only people that were allowed guest on my guest list are people that are married.  Any others, I specifically said, Please only RSVP for guest listed on invitation.  Most people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone especially if you don't know their SO.  My single guest were fine with not bringing their SO they understood.
    Your "single" guests would not have had an SO to bring. Single means not part of a couple. So to the bolded, this just doesn't make any sense. If someone is truly single when invites go out, you don't have to give them a plus one. 

    If you're inviting anyone in a relationship than you need to invite their SO. Just married people? You weren't even married to you SO at that point! So by your own reasoning your relationship wasn't worth acknowledging?? That is some faulty (read: DUMB) logic. 
    According to the dictionary the actual definition of the word single is unmarried.  When you fill out any official forms it doesn't matter how long you have been dating, if you are living together, or even engaged which little box do you choose?  Single!  There is no box for "in a committed relationship" because the government doesn't recognize any relationship outside of married.  I also believe that the poster just said that only married couples were invited together all single guests were invited alone so by that logic her and her fiance would qualify to be invite to their own wedding just as 2 single people.
    I don't give a flying rat's ass what the dictionary, the government or healthcare forms list as criteria and what they consider single or not.

    Let's use common freaking sense and not stupidity for the sake of validating and rationalizing rudeness. 

    Common sense is that people in a relationship are not single!  And here's a definition for anyone who can't figure that out:
    Single- noun- one person or thing; a single one.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    grumbledorembross3
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    TakerFan1 said:
    I'm just pointing out that the definition of single is not what everyone on here is spouting out.
    There can be multiple definitions of a word. And personally I don't rely on the government to define terms for me. Don't be dense. You KNOW that socially "single" doesn't refer to all unmarried people.

    ETA: If someone in a bar asks me if I'm single, I don't say yes because I'm not no matter what the fucking government says.
    Yeah, pretty sure my FI, whom I have been with for over 12 years, would flip the fuck out if I told someone in a bar, "Why yes, I am single."

    Also, for the past 12 years, when filling out forms in Dr's offices I write in my own answer when they want to know my marital status; The answer is "In a monogamous, committed relationship of X years."  This is especially pertinent info for my OBGYN's to have, because they use age and whether or not you are single to determine at what risk you are for contracting STDs and that determines how they treat and consider your symptoms.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    jules3964
  • channah24channah24 member
    First Comment
    edited March 2014
    I'm going to go out on a limb here and disagree with basically everyone. I think it should be up to your discretion who is and is not invited to your wedding (even more if you are financing your own wedding!). Personally, I would absolutely give plus ones to family and friends with a husband, fiance or long term relationship. When it comes to someone who is single or has a new boyfriend/girlfriend that you've never met, I think that's when you should make a judgement call. Personally, if it's someone who might not know that many people at your wedding, I think you should give them a plus one so that they don't feel lonely. I would also talk with your fiance and parents when making this decision to get their opinions on the matter.

    I personally never assume that I am invited to a wedding that my fiance is invited too. My fiance was actually invited to a family friends wedding this summer and I wasn't and it didn't bother me at all!

    Sending warm wedding planning thoughts! :-)
    [Deleted User]AroundTheBlock
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2014
    banana468 said:

    TakerFan1 said:

    I'm just pointing out that the definition of single is not what everyone on here is spouting out.

    Where are you getting this definition?

    Merriam -Webster defines single as "not married or not having a serious romantic relationship with someone."

    Google defines it as, "Unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship. "

    Just as you can find a dictionary that states the definition strictly as related to marital status, I quickly found two above that don't.

    Remind me to write a letter to Google and complain. Glad to know that Google thinks H and I were single long after we were engaged. Having sex is NOT a requirement of being not single. I know dozens of people who waited to have sex until their wedding night. Please, Google, tell me more about how people getting married are single.

    I completely agree that all SOs, if they consider themselves as such, should be invited. I just completely disagree with Google's definition of what single is.

    PrettyGirlLostmisshart00arrippatigersgirlgv
  • channah24 said:
    I'm going to go out on a limb here and disagree with basically everyone. I think it should be up to your discretion who is and is not invited to your wedding (even more if you are financing your own wedding!). Personally, I would absolutely give plus ones to family and friends with a husband, fiance or long term relationship. When it comes to someone who is single or has a new boyfriend/girlfriend that you've never met, I think that's when you should make a judgement call. Personally, if it's someone who might not know that many people at your wedding, I think you should give them a plus one so that they don't feel lonely. I would also talk with your fiance and parents when making this decision to get their opinions on the matter.

    I personally never assume that I am invited to a wedding that my fiance is invited too. My fiance was actually invited to a family friends wedding this summer and I wasn't and it didn't bother me at all!

    Sending warm wedding planning thoughts! :-)
    You know there was a time when your FI was just someone "new" and was a stranger to your friends and family and now you're planning to spend the rest of your lives together.  How awkward will it be for you in 20 years when you're at a family reunion with your cousin Susie and her husband Bill, who she was "just" dating at the time of your wedding so you decided to not invite him.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    PrettyGirlLostluckysnorkel
  • banana468 said:

    TakerFan1 said:

    I'm just pointing out that the definition of single is not what everyone on here is spouting out.

    Where are you getting this definition?

    Merriam -Webster defines single as "not married or not having a serious romantic relationship with someone."

    Google defines it as, "Unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship. "

    Just as you can find a dictionary that states the definition strictly as related to marital status, I quickly found two above that don't.

    Remind me to write a letter to Google and complain. Glad to know that Google thinks H and I were single long after we were engaged. Having sex is NOT a requirement of being not single. I know dozens of people who waited to have sex until their wedding night. Please, Google, tell me more about how people getting married are single.

    I completely agree that all SOs, if they consider themselves as such, should be invited. I just completely disagree with Google's definition of what single is.
    See, I interpret the Google definition as not platonic but I see your point.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • abbyj700 said:
    channah24 said:
    I'm going to go out on a limb here and disagree with basically everyone. I think it should be up to your discretion who is and is not invited to your wedding (even more if you are financing your own wedding!). Personally, I would absolutely give plus ones to family and friends with a husband, fiance or long term relationship. When it comes to someone who is single or has a new boyfriend/girlfriend that you've never met, I think that's when you should make a judgement call. Personally, if it's someone who might not know that many people at your wedding, I think you should give them a plus one so that they don't feel lonely. I would also talk with your fiance and parents when making this decision to get their opinions on the matter.

    I personally never assume that I am invited to a wedding that my fiance is invited too. My fiance was actually invited to a family friends wedding this summer and I wasn't and it didn't bother me at all!

    Sending warm wedding planning thoughts! :-)
    Wait..in the same breath you think people in relationships don't need to be invited together - but a single person who knows very few people should get a plus one? And you defend this with budget?

    Logic fail.
    Well, duh, obvs.  @channah24 that post is seriously barf-worthy and makes no sense.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • channah24 said:
    I'm going to go out on a limb here and disagree with basically everyone. I think it should be up to your discretion who is and is not invited to your wedding (even more if you are financing your own wedding!). Personally, I would absolutely give plus ones to family and friends with a husband, fiance or long term relationship. When it comes to someone who is single or has a new boyfriend/girlfriend that you've never met, I think that's when you should make a judgement call. Personally, if it's someone who might not know that many people at your wedding, I think you should give them a plus one so that they don't feel lonely. I would also talk with your fiance and parents when making this decision to get their opinions on the matter.

    I personally never assume that I am invited to a wedding that my fiance is invited too. My fiance was actually invited to a family friends wedding this summer and I wasn't and it didn't bother me at all!

    Sending warm wedding planning thoughts! :-)
    1st bolded: No. Just no. You don't get to judge someone else's relationship as "serious" or not. Not to mention, what defines a "new" relationship? If someone is engaged after 3 weeks, but you haven't met the SO, do they not warrant an invite because it's too "new"?

    2nd bolded: Good for you. I can tell you that you are the exception, not the rule. 
    PrettyGirlLostluckysnorkel
  • phira said:
    channah24 said:
    I'm going to go out on a limb here and disagree with basically everyone. I think it should be up to your discretion who is and is not invited to your wedding (even more if you are financing your own wedding!). Personally, I would absolutely give plus ones to family and friends with a husband, fiance or long term relationship. When it comes to someone who is single or has a new boyfriend/girlfriend that you've never met, I think that's when you should make a judgement call. Personally, if it's someone who might not know that many people at your wedding, I think you should give them a plus one so that they don't feel lonely. I would also talk with your fiance and parents when making this decision to get their opinions on the matter.

    I personally never assume that I am invited to a wedding that my fiance is invited too. My fiance was actually invited to a family friends wedding this summer and I wasn't and it didn't bother me at all!

    Sending warm wedding planning thoughts! :-)
    I am really tired of the whole, "We shouldn't have to invite people we don't know to our wedding" excuse.

    Like, I get it. You don't want to pay for people you don't know. These aren't your loved ones. When you're trying to keep a wedding smaller and more intimate, it can feel counter-intuitive to then invite, no questions asked, a bunch of people you've never met.

    However, as we've said time and time again: your wedding is no longer solely about YOU when you invite other people to celebrate with you. You are hosting a party, which means that there are etiquette rules to be observed to ensure that you host your party well. Part of being a good host? If people are in relationships, they should be invited together.

    I would be crushed if I were invited to a wedding, but my partner wasn't, just because the couple hadn't met him. Hell, I've been to weddings where I've only known one of the people getting married. Should the other person be able to say, "I've never met this 'phira' character, why do we have to invite her?"

    Finally, here, you win the most-coolest-chill-fiancee-ever award for not being offended that you were left off the guest list of a wedding that your fiance was invited to, when you SHOULD have been invited. But, "I wouldn't be offended, so it's okay!" doesn't work with etiquette. You are trying to err on the side of being a gracious, polite host to everyone.

    There are PLENTY of etiquette mistakes that wouldn't actually bother me. I wouldn't be irritated to go to a pot-luck wedding or a wedding with a cash bar, assuming I knew about both conditions in advance. However, I am not going to have a pot-luck wedding OR a cash bar because I know that just because it wouldn't bother ME doesn't mean it wouldn't still be rude to my guests, many of whom WOULD be bothered.
    Granted we were engaged and 3 weeks out from our wedding (so DH would have been invited as a "serious relationship" qualifier, whatever that means) when I stood as MOH for my best friend's wedding, but her husband had never met then-FI before. 

    Turns out, they became fast friends in the weekend we were out there (rehearsal on Friday, bonfire post-rehearsal, plus wedding on Saturday and subsequent post-party bonfire) and now they regularly text back and forth.

    Is this going to be typical of people you've never met attending your wedding as someone's SO? Probably not. But it serves as a good reason not to dismiss someone simply because you "haven't met them before". 
    PrettyGirlLostluckysnorkel
  • channah24 said:
    I'm going to go out on a limb here and disagree with basically everyone. I think it should be up to your discretion who is and is not invited to your wedding (even more if you are financing your own wedding!). Personally, I would absolutely give plus ones to family and friends with a husband, fiance or long term relationship. When it comes to someone who is single or has a new boyfriend/girlfriend that you've never met, I think that's when you should make a judgement call. Personally, if it's someone who might not know that many people at your wedding, I think you should give them a plus one so that they don't feel lonely. I would also talk with your fiance and parents when making this decision to get their opinions on the matter.

    I personally never assume that I am invited to a wedding that my fiance is invited too. My fiance was actually invited to a family friends wedding this summer and I wasn't and it didn't bother me at all!

    Sending warm wedding planning thoughts! :-)
    I've been holding my tongue lately, but I can't anymore-- 

    So, by your definition, my FI and I wouldn't be invited together before we were engaged. We were best friends and exclusive with one another, but we weren't "dating" because I had emotional issues to work through at the time. Everyone assumed we were dating for months when we weren't officially dating; we use the day that we started out together, not the day we started dating, as our anniversary. When we started officially dating, it was a mere 3 months before we were engaged. I would have been plenty upset if during the time we were actually "dating" before getting engaged if we weren't invited together. None of my family or friends met him before we were engaged, either.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    channah24 said:
    I'm going to go out on a limb here and disagree with basically everyone. I think it should be up to your discretion who is and is not invited to your wedding (even more if you are financing your own wedding!). Personally, I would absolutely give plus ones to family and friends with a husband, fiance or long term relationship. When it comes to someone who is single or has a new boyfriend/girlfriend that you've never met, I think that's when you should make a judgement call. Personally, if it's someone who might not know that many people at your wedding, I think you should give them a plus one so that they don't feel lonely. I would also talk with your fiance and parents when making this decision to get their opinions on the matter.

    I personally never assume that I am invited to a wedding that my fiance is invited too. My fiance was actually invited to a family friends wedding this summer and I wasn't and it didn't bother me at all!

    Sending warm wedding planning thoughts! :-)
    It's great that you weren't bothered by this wedding couple's rude behavior but that doesn't magically make their behavior proper.  Some people are not offended by belching or farting in public, but it is still crass behavior. 

    PrettyGirlLost
  • channah24 said:
    I'm going to go out on a limb here and disagree with basically everyone. I think it should be up to your discretion who is and is not invited to your wedding (even more if you are financing your own wedding!). Personally, I would absolutely give plus ones to family and friends with a husband, fiance or long term relationship. When it comes to someone who is single or has a new boyfriend/girlfriend that you've never met, I think that's when you should make a judgement call. Personally, if it's someone who might not know that many people at your wedding, I think you should give them a plus one so that they don't feel lonely. I would also talk with your fiance and parents when making this decision to get their opinions on the matter.

    I personally never assume that I am invited to a wedding that my fiance is invited too. My fiance was actually invited to a family friends wedding this summer and I wasn't and it didn't bother me at all!

    Sending warm wedding planning thoughts! :-)
    I've been holding my tongue lately, but I can't anymore-- 

    So, by your definition, my FI and I wouldn't be invited together before we were engaged. We were best friends and exclusive with one another, but we weren't "dating" because I had emotional issues to work through at the time. Everyone assumed we were dating for months when we weren't officially dating; we use the day that we started out together, not the day we started dating, as our anniversary. When we started officially dating, it was a mere 3 months before we were engaged. I would have been plenty upset if during the time we were actually "dating" before getting engaged if we weren't invited together. None of my family or friends met him before we were engaged, either.
    I'm just curious... None of your friends or family met your fiancé until you were engaged? That seems really hard to do unless he was long distance.
  • Mitch617 said:
    channah24 said:
    I'm going to go out on a limb here and disagree with basically everyone. I think it should be up to your discretion who is and is not invited to your wedding (even more if you are financing your own wedding!). Personally, I would absolutely give plus ones to family and friends with a husband, fiance or long term relationship. When it comes to someone who is single or has a new boyfriend/girlfriend that you've never met, I think that's when you should make a judgement call. Personally, if it's someone who might not know that many people at your wedding, I think you should give them a plus one so that they don't feel lonely. I would also talk with your fiance and parents when making this decision to get their opinions on the matter.

    I personally never assume that I am invited to a wedding that my fiance is invited too. My fiance was actually invited to a family friends wedding this summer and I wasn't and it didn't bother me at all!

    Sending warm wedding planning thoughts! :-)
    I've been holding my tongue lately, but I can't anymore-- 

    So, by your definition, my FI and I wouldn't be invited together before we were engaged. We were best friends and exclusive with one another, but we weren't "dating" because I had emotional issues to work through at the time. Everyone assumed we were dating for months when we weren't officially dating; we use the day that we started out together, not the day we started dating, as our anniversary. When we started officially dating, it was a mere 3 months before we were engaged. I would have been plenty upset if during the time we were actually "dating" before getting engaged if we weren't invited together. None of my family or friends met him before we were engaged, either.
    I'm just curious... None of your friends or family met your fiancé until you were engaged? That seems really hard to do unless he was long distance.
    I live long distance from my family (they all moved out of state over the past few years). My FI and I went to school together (he was originally my TA for a course), and I worked in the office next door on campus. By friends, I mean my friends that I go out with occasionally; we would generally hangout with his friends during that time or just hang out together. 
  • I met most of FI's extended family at his cousin's wedding a year and a half ago (they had never met me).  I was glad to get to know them there, and am now looking forward to seeing them again at OUR wedding. 
  • If they didn't have a SO when you finalized your guest list, I say just inform your relatives of your space limitations. If they don't understand o well. We chose not to include plus 1's unless the SO was a long term SO (meaning we have met them more than once). After RSVPs come in we plan to open the remaining spaces on a first come first serve basis. Bottomline its YOUR wedding and YOU ARE FOOTING THE BILL! Don't let your family member's new relationship stress you out.

  • Your wedding is NOT the time for family member's to introduce their new SO to the rest of the family. STAND YOUR GROUND!!!
    [Deleted User]
  • MrsMackVI said:

    If they didn't have a SO when you finalized your guest list, I say just inform your relatives of your space limitations. If they don't understand o well. We chose not to include plus 1's unless the SO was a long term SO (meaning we have met them more than once). After RSVPs come in we plan to open the remaining spaces on a first come first serve basis. Bottomline its YOUR wedding and YOU ARE FOOTING THE BILL! Don't let your family member's new relationship stress you out.

    All of this is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

    1. If someone is in a relationship at the time the invitations are sent, the person should be invited. 
    2. I don't care if you haven't met someones SO before. If they are in a relationship of any sort, regardless of length of time together, the SO must be invited.
    3. Rude. 
    PrettyGirlLostgrumbledoreOliveOilsMomluckysnorkel
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