Big Family, Small Wedding.

Danger+Zone · March 2014

My SO and I want a smaller, more intimate wedding, but we both come from gigantic families. Considering ONLY parents, grand-parents, siblings, aunt and uncles, and first-cousins...we've already reached 100 guests on our preliminary guest list. My family is up north in New Jersey. His family is in Cancun, Mexico. We decided, to be fair, that getting married where we live, in Florida, was probably the best bet. We don't want any drama over making one side travel, but not the other (somebody would complain). I know it's likely not all of them will be able to make it, given that there will be some travel involved, but how do we even begin to cut down on the list? That list of 100 doesn't even consider some of the first cousin's children...and I assume, they won't travel without their kids, but we do really want them there. That list of 100 includes NONE of our personal friends outside of the family either. We'd like it to, but honestly, I think we'd be happier with a wedding of maybe 50 guests.

The logistics of this just seem impossible. Thoughts? Advice? Tips? Experiences to share? Ultimately, we know it's our day and we'll have to choose the people closest to us. It's just really difficult to pick and choose, coming from families this size. I really don't want to offend anyone or make them feel left out.

melbelleup · March 2014

Honestly, in your situation, I'd cut out 1st cousins. Otherwise, it looks like you'll be having a big wedding. If you don't mind a big wedding, but worried about money, I would recommend looking at parks, volunteer fire banquet halls, etc. These would be cheaper to rent out for a day and you can provide your own food through catering. You also don't need to have alcohol, or could do just beer and wine if wanted.

lyndausvi · March 2014

Who do you want at the wedding? Have you tried going in circles? Do you want your first cousins or not? If yes, then you have to deal with a 100+ person wedding (I have a huge family also, I get it). If you don't, then cut them. Then go down to the aunts/uncles. Do you want them or not. Again, if yes then you might have to deal with an 80 person wedding. No? Cut them.

I would stop short of thinking in terms hard number of guests you want though. Life isn't always that cut and dry. Make the list of who you really want there. If it's 63 people, so be it. If it's only 41, then it's 41. If you really do want all your first cousins then you have to deal with a 100+ person wedding.

melbenso · March 2014

If you want a wedding with about 50 guests, then you simply cannot invite all of your close family, whether or not you invite any friends (and it makes perfect sense to want to have your closest friends there). Unfortunately, some people's feelings may be hurt and that is beyond your control. The best way to cut down on hurt feelings is to invite in circles.

Circle 1 - parents and siblings
Circle 2 - grandparents
Circle 3 - Aunts and Uncles
Circle 4 - Cousins
Circle 5 - Cousins' kids

If it were me, I'd definitely invite Circles 1 and 2 and see how many more Circle 3 would add. Alternately, you could do Circles 1 and 2 and then only invite Aunts/Uncles/Cousins that you see frequently or are particularly close to (though this may cause more hurt feelings than not inviting any of them).

It sucks, but in the end, you are going to have to make a choice between having the small wedding you want and not hurting anyone's feelings. Some of this may end up being determined by your budget. Make sure you assume a 100% acceptance rate when deciding who to invite, so that you don't have sticker shock/a larger wedding than you want.

Good luck.

Danger+Zone · March 2014

I actually don't expect all of my first cousins to come, but there's only 7 invited. SO's first cousins though would all want to be there and probably all be offended if they DIDN'T get invited.

Thanks for the input so far, I appreciate it. I know it's going to be a tough call, but hopefully they'll understand and take it well. Right now we're in the very very early stages of planning, still trying to figure out how this will all work out.

Danger+Zone · March 2014

By the way...is there a polite way to send out "B list" invites? $:\$ That's the only practical way, I think.

cruffino · March 2014

Danger+Zone said:
By the way...is there a polite way to send out "B list" invites? $:\$ That's the only practical way, I think.

Nope.

larrygaga · March 2014

I made 89 people only inviting must-haves.

I wanted a small wedding

We both have 5 siblings each most with families of their own and he has very close extended family

larrygaga · March 2014

Danger+Zone said:

By the way...is there a polite way to send out "B list" invites? $:\$ That's the only practical way, I think.

NO

short+sassy · March 2014

melbenso said:

If you want a wedding with about 50 guests, then you simply cannot invite all of your close family, whether or not you invite any friends (and it makes perfect sense to want to have your closest friends there). Unfortunately, some people's feelings may be hurt and that is beyond your control. The best way to cut down on hurt feelings is to invite in circles.

Circle 1 - parents and siblings
Circle 2 - grandparents
Circle 3 - Aunts and Uncles
Circle 4 - Cousins
Circle 5 - Cousins' kids

If it were me, I'd definitely invite Circles 1 and 2 and see how many more Circle 3 would add. Alternately, you could do Circles 1 and 2 and then only invite Aunts/Uncles/Cousins that you see frequently or are particularly close to (though this may cause more hurt feelings than not inviting any of them).

It sucks, but in the end, you are going to have to make a choice between having the small wedding you want and not hurting anyone's feelings. Some of this may end up being determined by your budget. Make sure you assume a 100% acceptance rate when deciding who to invite, so that you don't have sticker shock/a larger wedding than you want.

Good luck.

I really like melbenso's suggestion. I so often see on these boards brides freaking out because they feel like they HAVE to invite first cousins, aunts/uncles, or whatever the case may be. There is nothing wrong with cutting first cousins and/or aunts/uncles off the list, even if it is to "replace" them with some good friends or just to make your wedding the smaller size you prefer. Will there be hurt feelings? Unfortunately, probably so, but as long as the inviting is done in circles, they would be unreasonable to get all bent out of shape because you want to keep your wedding smaller.

Almost every bride and groom out there, regardless of wedding size, had people they would have loved to invited but just didn't have either the room or the finances. Lines have to be drawn somewhere, within etiquette parameters, to make it the day that you and your fiance envision.

tammym1001 · March 2014

FI and I wanted to have a small wedding so we only invited immediate family (parents, siblings, grandparents, siblings children). We did not invite any aunts, uncles, or cousins. We both come from very large families and it would have made our guest list huge. We did invite our friends though and there have been some hurt feelings from family members and some attempted guilt trips to invite family. It's frustrating, but we are having the wedding we want and if people are going to get their panties in a knot over not being invited to a wedding then that is their problem to deal with. You don't have to invite anyone to your wedding unless you really want them there.

Jen4948 · March 2014

Danger+Zone said:

By the way...is there a polite way to send out "B list" invites? $:\$ That's the only practical way, I think.

No. This is very specifically not polite.

phira · March 2014

Danger+Zone said:
The logistics of this just seem impossible. Thoughts? Advice? Tips? Experiences to share? Ultimately, we know it's our day and we'll have to choose the people closest to us. It's just really difficult to pick and choose, coming from families this size. I really don't want to offend anyone or make them feel left out.

Just to go back to your original post, I think it's worth mentioning that there are many times when you can be, like ... the best etiquette-er who ever etiquette-ed, and you still manage to offend the crap out of people for whatever reason. Is it against etiquette to invite friends instead of first cousins? Nope! Will it offend people? Probably!

It's about being a good host and practicing good etiquette while also making non-etiquette decsions the way you want to make them. If you want to keep things small and invite your friends instead of your cousins, then that's your choice. Own it. If people are upset, then fine; let them be upset.

Fairyjen1 · March 2014

We are doing immediate family only because we wanted only a small wedding. My aunts, uncles and cousins are all fine with this. It's friends and acquaintances we are getting flak from for not inviting them.

Danger+Zone · March 2014

larrygaga said:

I made 89 people only inviting must-haves.

I wanted a small wedding

We both have 5 siblings each most with families of their own and he has very close extended family

Yep! That's similar to how it is for us. I have 5 siblings. My SO doesn't not have as many, but our parents all have many siblings (my dad is one of 8!). My youngest aunt is actually only 2 years older than me, so some of us are really close.

Anyway, you get the picture, it's a crazy ton of people. AND many of them have been divorced and remarried, so that only adds to the complication. Yikes, lol.

Jen4948 · March 2014

phira said:

Danger+Zone said:
The logistics of this just seem impossible. Thoughts? Advice? Tips? Experiences to share? Ultimately, we know it's our day and we'll have to choose the people closest to us. It's just really difficult to pick and choose, coming from families this size. I really don't want to offend anyone or make them feel left out.

Just to go back to your original post, I think it's worth mentioning that there are many times when you can be, like ... the best etiquette-er who ever etiquette-ed, and you still manage to offend the crap out of people for whatever reason. Is it against etiquette to invite friends instead of first cousins? Nope! Will it offend people? Probably!

It's about being a good host and practicing good etiquette while also making non-etiquette decsions the way you want to make them. If you want to keep things small and invite your friends instead of your cousins, then that's your choice. Own it. If people are upset, then fine; let them be upset.

I want to be "the best etiquette-er who ever etiquette-ed" so I can sleep at night knowing I did my best and any remaining fallout is not my responsibility. (Also, so I'll know that I did my best for my friends, loved ones, and other guests.)

sofakingmad · March 2014

It's definitely tough to cut anyone from the list. Someone will be hurt by it, but you just have to stick to your guns and inviting complete circles (as PPs have mentioned) helps.

We wanted a small DW so we just went with parents, siblings and close friends. No extended family at all. I know people were upset, but just with aunts and uncles, we would have had to invite around 50 extra people. We knew most of them wouldn't come, but we couldn't risk inviting 125 ppl, when we were trying to only budget for no more than 50-75.

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

Can I just add that whoever you invite must be invited with their significant other (assuming they're over the age of 18). Do not invite someone who's in a relationship alone to save a spot on your guest list for someone else. This is beyond rude and currently a huge source of my hurt feelings for my own wedding invitation shituation.

If someone invited me to their small, intimate wedding without my SO because "we really want you to attend, but we're trying to keep it small, so unfortunately your SO isn't invited," I wouldn't go no matter how close to them I am. If you're that close to me that you want me at your wedding, you'll invite my other half to attend, too.

OP, please make sure to have space for SOs/FIs/spouses of the people you choose to invite. Do not judge their relationships based on length of time, living arrangement, etc. If someone you want to invite considers themselves to be in a relationship when you're getting ready to send invites, then they should be invited with their partner (by name, not just "and guest," as they're not a nameless guest of your loved one but a partner)

JennyColada · March 2014

We are doing just immediate family. Our guest list is: me and Fi (duh), parents, siblings (and sibling's partner's children). That leaves us at 9 guests.

Part of the reason why we're doing this is because if we invite grandparents then we have to invite and aunt to accompany his grandmother, so then we have to invite the rest of the aunts and uncles, so then we have to invite their children, so then we have to invite all our cousins, and I would be unhappy having my cousins there and not my closest friends, etc. etc.

Neither of us had an interest in a large wedding, so the only alternative was to keep it super intimate.

You just have to decide what you two really want and what's important. If people get offended then you can do your best to limit that, but you'll never be able to stop it 100%.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

Jennycolada said:

We are doing just immediate family. Our guest list is: me and Fi (duh), parents, siblings (and sibling's partner's children). That leaves us at 9 guests.

Part of the reason why we're doing this is because if we invite grandparents then we have to invite and aunt to accompany his grandmother, so then we have to invite the rest of the aunts and uncles, so then we have to invite their children, so then we have to invite all our cousins, and I would be unhappy having my cousins there and not my closest friends, etc. etc.

Neither of us had an interest in a large wedding, so the only alternative was to keep it super intimate.

You just have to decide what you two really want and what's important. If people get offended then you can do your best to limit that, but you'll never be able to stop it 100%.

You don't have to invite cousins because you are inviting aunts and uncles. I understand having to invite your aunt if you invite your grandmother. But you could always give your grandmother a guest and then she can bring anyone, and if that's your aunt, so be it.

JennyColada · March 2014

laurynm84 said:

Jennycolada said:

We are doing just immediate family. Our guest list is: me and Fi (duh), parents, siblings (and sibling's partner's children). That leaves us at 9 guests.

Part of the reason why we're doing this is because if we invite grandparents then we have to invite and aunt to accompany his grandmother, so then we have to invite the rest of the aunts and uncles, so then we have to invite their children, so then we have to invite all our cousins, and I would be unhappy having my cousins there and not my closest friends, etc. etc.

Neither of us had an interest in a large wedding, so the only alternative was to keep it super intimate.

You just have to decide what you two really want and what's important. If people get offended then you can do your best to limit that, but you'll never be able to stop it 100%.

You don't have to invite cousins because you are inviting aunts and uncles. I understand having to invite your aunt if you invite your grandmother. But you could always give your grandmother a guest and then she can bring anyone, and if that's your aunt, so be it.

It would be pretty rude to not invite my uncle to come with my aunt though (or so I think). And it would cause a lot of unnecessary family drama to not invite the rest.

Really, of our entire extended family, there's only one cousin and one aunt that we want to invite (which wouldn't even be the aunt accompanying the grandmother). So it was easy to jut ex them all out.

Danger+Zone · March 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

Can I just add that whoever you invite must be invited with their significant other (assuming they're over the age of 18). Do not invite someone who's in a relationship alone to save a spot on your guest list for someone else. This is beyond rude and currently a huge source of my hurt feelings for my own wedding invitation shituation.

If someone invited me to their small, intimate wedding without my SO because "we really want you to attend, but we're trying to keep it small, so unfortunately your SO isn't invited," I wouldn't go no matter how close to them I am. If you're that close to me that you want me at your wedding, you'll invite my other half to attend, too.

OP, please make sure to have space for SOs/FIs/spouses of the people you choose to invite. Do not judge their relationships based on length of time, living arrangement, etc. If someone you want to invite considers themselves to be in a relationship when you're getting ready to send invites, then they should be invited with their partner (by name, not just "and guest," as they're not a nameless guest of your loved one but a partner)

I feel ya on this. I always planned on inviting significant others, regardless of if they're just dating or have been married for 30 years. I want our guests to be comfortable, and honestly, if someone invited me to their wedding without my SO, I wouldn't be having as much fun as if he were there.

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

Danger+Zone said:

JellyBean52513 said:

Can I just add that whoever you invite must be invited with their significant other (assuming they're over the age of 18). Do not invite someone who's in a relationship alone to save a spot on your guest list for someone else. This is beyond rude and currently a huge source of my hurt feelings for my own wedding invitation shituation.

If someone invited me to their small, intimate wedding without my SO because "we really want you to attend, but we're trying to keep it small, so unfortunately your SO isn't invited," I wouldn't go no matter how close to them I am. If you're that close to me that you want me at your wedding, you'll invite my other half to attend, too.

OP, please make sure to have space for SOs/FIs/spouses of the people you choose to invite. Do not judge their relationships based on length of time, living arrangement, etc. If someone you want to invite considers themselves to be in a relationship when you're getting ready to send invites, then they should be invited with their partner (by name, not just "and guest," as they're not a nameless guest of your loved one but a partner)

I feel ya on this. I always planned on inviting significant others, regardless of if they're just dating or have been married for 30 years. I want our guests to be comfortable, and honestly, if someone invited me to their wedding without my SO, I wouldn't be having as much fun as if he were there.

I think you're on the right track, then

I feel you on the huge families issues, my SO has a gigantic very-close-knit family and all of his might as well be his extended family (and mine too!) We'd be looking at close to 200 people I imagine, but our choice would be to save up to afford the whole thing, because neither one of us can imagine excluding any of them from our wedding. If we COULD get away with immediate family only, it'd still come out around 50+. Making cuts is very tough but you have a great resource in the posters here to help you figure out the best way to go about things if you need help.

a13049 · March 2014

It can be difficult to shrink a guest list when you have a big family. My dad has 5 sisters and two brothers. All of his siblings had at least three children, most more. I have 30 cousins on just that side if the family and that doesn't could SO and my moms side. I have cousins I really want at my wedding but I have some cousins that I haven't seen in years, so I invites them by the relationships I have with them, with SO of course. We chose a destination wedding and narrowed our guest down to 60. In wondering how many will actually make the trip, be a little or a lot our guest list is those who truly mean the most to FI and I.

Danger+Zone · March 2014

a13049 said:

It can be difficult to shrink a guest list when you have a big family. My dad has 5 sisters and two brothers. All of his siblings had at least three children, most more. I have 30 cousins on just that side if the family and that doesn't could SO and my moms side. I have cousins I really want at my wedding but I have some cousins that I haven't seen in years, so I invites them by the relationships I have with them, with SO of course. We chose a destination wedding and narrowed our guest down to 60. In wondering how many will actually make the trip, be a little or a lot our guest list is those who truly mean the most to FI and I.

I think that's exactly what we're going to do, actually. We talked a bit yesterday and I think we agreed to picking ~50 people who are the most important for us and are likely to go be there with us on that day. If our parents give us a hard time about not inviting X, Y, and Z, then they can feel free to pay for the extra people...because we won't/can't. Having something on the smaller side is important for us, because the smaller the wedding is, the more we can do for those guests.

wrigleyville · March 2014

I have a HUGE family, so this was our logic. It may sound silly, but it helped us feel less guilty.

Circles:

1) Parents - obvious

2) Siblings - obvious

2a) Siblings' kids - immediate family, love them like our own, no way are we not inviting them

3) Aunts and Uncles - since they are our *parents'* siblings, that made sense to us. Plus, some of those aunt/uncle sets were like parents to me when I was growing up.

4) Cousins - while they're all over 18, they're still technically our aunt and uncles kids, so they aren't in that inner parents/siblings/parents' siblings circle. This made me feel better about axing them.

5) Friends - no way are we getting married without our closest friends. We kept it to 14 (not including the 2 friends in the WP) since that's how many cousins we axed.

That gave us list of approximately 40 people, which fit our 50-person cap perfectly. We ended up with 43 guests, as three people had started relationships by the time the invitations went out.

Also, since the ratio of family to friends was pretty high, I didn't worry about any griping about cousins not being invited but friends coming. It was easy to see we only invited our nearest and dearest.

Andplusalso, even though this was a DW, we had 100% attendance. Lurkers, let this be a lesson - getting married 2000 miles away from home doesn't guarantee people will decline. We actually had people begging for invitations.

SP29 · March 2014

Remember, you can invite Aunt Sally and Uncle John without inviting Aunt Susan, Mary, Gladys and Uncle Joe, Jeff and Bill.

I would invite people based on your relationship with them. In that respect, you may have a stronger relationship with many friends over your family- and I think you should honour those friendships over inviting ALL your first cousins because you think you have to or someone will get offended.

If it's a money issue, there are many options to look at. If you parents are willing to pay for any extra guests- well that is nice of them. But remember, don't count on money until it's in your hands or you may end up paying for these extra guests. Also remember that these extra guests aren't just a plate of food, it's extra invitations, chairs, tables, linens, centerpieces, favours, drinks, and cake.

If it's more about the feel of your wedding, be careful accepting your parents offer to pay for any extra guests, because this can spiral your guest list out of control and you should never feel bad for wanting a small wedding. Just because someone may offer you money for something bigger doesn't mean you need to take it.

VerizonGirl · March 2014

We did this:

Us=2
FI has a mother, father, brother, wife, 3 kids=7
So my mom and I invited 7: mom, mom's friend, mom's other friend with husband, my two friends, and an older woman who was like a real friend/mentor to me.
Then we had the officiant, the minister who did the blessing and his wife, the girl who did the toast and her husband, the videographer and his assistant, and the photographer, and we decided to invite the woman who set us up.
So we had 25 total for the meal.

Maybe these suggestions of how other people made the decisions to have very small weddings will help those people who have big guest lists cut those lists back to a smaller number.

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