Help! Groom wants NO alcohol

kittin92 · March 2014

I'm about to graduate college and so is my fiance. My parents are paying for our wedding. His family will help contribute.
My dad really wants an open bar. I would not mind one myself. I don't mind alcohol and would love to have a drink myself!
Groom and I have talked about this before, and he isn't very enthused. He's been more of "it's whatever you want."
As far as parents are concerned right now, we are having an open bar (**no money/commitments have been made**).

Tonight, groom and I were talking, and I mentioned the open bar. He became adamant that he does not want one.
"Why does anyone need alcohol? It's pointless" he says.
I'm not very big on it myself, but our wedding will have all adults of drinking age. I'd like to serve alcohol.
The problem is not paying for it. We would not have a cash bar.

Groom has other objections to alcohol that I will not specify but some family members do tend to partake too much on a frequent basis.
I think he's afraid these same people will end up drunk at our wedding. I definitely do not want drunks going around, but I would like to think these same people know when and where to do that.

I feel a little bit saddened right now because up until now, my parents have been excited about providing this to our guests. I've been happy about it too!
I do NOT want to have something at the wedding that my future husband objects.
I do NOT want to fight either!

I know my next step is to talk to my parents and let them know how he feels and how we should keep it dry, but can anyone help me with some suggestions to make as far as what we would do in place of a cocktail hour?
Serve food, of course, but...anything else interesting/fun you guys can think of?

The reception is taking place right next to where the ceremony will be taking place, so there is no additional traveling after the ceremony. We are in the works of hiring a dj/entertainment.

Edit: Also not sure if times of things would be helpful. Ceremony is 6-6:30. Cocktail hour would be 6:30 to ~7:30 where we would then serve a plated dinner.

kittin92 · March 2014

Also, I've been reading around and have seen that it's ultimately up to the hosts - my parents.
I don't really know how to proceed.

chibiyui · March 2014

kittin92 said:

I'm about to graduate college and so is my fiance. My parents are paying for our wedding. His family will help contribute.
My dad really wants an open bar. I would not mind one myself. I don't mind alcohol and would love to have a drink myself!
Groom and I have talked about this before, and he isn't very enthused. He's been more of "it's whatever you want."
As far as parents are concerned right now, we are having an open bar (**no money/commitments have been made**).

Tonight, groom and I were talking, and I mentioned the open bar. He became adamant that he does not want one.
"Why does anyone need alcohol? It's pointless" he says.
I'm not very big on it myself, but our wedding will have all adults of drinking age. I'd like to serve alcohol.
The problem is not paying for it. We would not have a cash bar.

Groom has other objections to alcohol that I will not specify but some family members do tend to partake too much on a frequent basis.
I think he's afraid these same people will end up drunk at our wedding. I definitely do not want drunks going around, but I would like to think these same people know when and where to do that.

I feel a little bit saddened right now because up until now, my parents have been excited about providing this to our guests. I've been happy about it too!
I do NOT want to have something at the wedding that my future husband objects.
I do NOT want to fight either!

I know my next step is to talk to my parents and let them know how he feels and how we should keep it dry, but can anyone help me with some suggestions to make as far as what we would do in place of a cocktail hour?
Serve food, of course, but...anything else interesting/fun you guys can think of? The reception is taking place right next to where the ceremony will be taking place, so there is no additional traveling after the ceremony. We are in the works of hiring a dj/entertainment.

Edit: Also not sure if times of things would be helpful. Ceremony is 6-6:30. Cocktail hour would be 6:30 to ~7:30 where we would then serve a plated dinner.

Unless your FI has a moral/religious reason for not wanting to serve alcohol, if you and your parents want alcohol, and your parents are PAYING, then FI doesn't really get much of a say here.

It's one thing if it's against his religion and/or he has family members that are legitimately alcoholics. It can be hard to watch loved ones partake in an activity you find harmful or have seen destroy lives. It's another thing if he's afraid people will get "too drunk". No one is forcing him to partake, and no one is forcing other people to imbibe. Adults are capable of deciding how much they drink, and they can face the consequences of drinking too much.

Perhaps you could suggest doing a limited bar, beer, wine and maybe a signature cocktail as opposed to a fully open bar. It doesn't actually change how drunk people can get, but it has the bonus of making people think it does.

TL;DR. If you're parents are paying, they can decide what bar to provide.

Disclaimer: I am aware "people who drink too much on occasion" can in fact be alcoholics. I am not trying to minimize that, but when these ^^^ words are used, it tends to be more like, "makes an ass of oneself once in a while at events" as opposed to "repeated, timely abuse of a substance" and is, again in my experience, more indicative of the person just being inconsiderate or having poor impulse control, not a full blown addiction.

kittin92 · March 2014

Well, I guess I need to go in more detail as the wording was sugarcoated.

His mother is becoming/is an alcoholic.
She has been in bar fights before and has previously gotten violent.
She'll likely end up in rehab. Has had a DUI before that I personally KNOW of.
She also knows how to act in events like this (in the past she has - it could be a toss up now).

My parents are aware that she enjoys alcohol but not quite to that extent.
I don't really want to tell them all details because it's a sensitive issue.

My fiance, as mentioned before, has been mostly "whatever you want" over this (I told him we would make sure the bar tender knew who she was beforehand and would serve her accordingly), but he is now adamantly against it as of tonight.

I feel as though I don't know the "right" way to proceed.

vulpiepop · March 2014

I've been reading around because my fiance and I are in a similar situation (except in our case, my parents who are paying want a mostly dry wedding and so do we; it's the guests that are adamant about alcohol/open bar that we can't even really afford). Although we're still tossing up ideas, what we've decided to do was try for an earlier reception time (most people wouldn't drink as much/want to drink too much earlier in the day) and serve just champagne and wine and supplement with a coffee bar and good food. I've seen other fun suggestions such as ice cream or candy stations, juice/smoothie bars too. Mocktail bars seem to be a fairly common thing for dry/mostly dry weddings as well. Hope this helps!

TwinkleStaar · March 2014

If your fiance doesn't want it because of his mom's problem, you shouldn't have it.

´¯)

`*.¸.*´

¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)

(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.★

¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)★ Love, Star

…(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.★

JoanE2012 · March 2014

kittin92 said:

Well, I guess I need to go in more detail as the wording was sugarcoated.

His mother is becoming/is an alcoholic.
She has been in bar fights before and has previously gotten violent.
She'll likely end up in rehab. Has had a DUI before that I personally KNOW of.
She also knows how to act in events like this (in the past she has - it could be a toss up now).

My parents are aware that she enjoys alcohol but not quite to that extent.
I don't really want to tell them all details because it's a sensitive issue.

My fiance, as mentioned before, has been mostly "whatever you want" over this (I told him we would make sure the bar tender knew who she was beforehand and would serve her accordingly), but he is now adamantly against it as of tonight.

I feel as though I don't know the "right" way to proceed.

If your parents are paying, they can host as they please. If you don't want that, then you can take over the financial responsibility and host as you want.

I do think it's a little much to ban alcohol from everyone because one person may act up.

STARMOON44 · March 2014

If your FI thinks his worry about his mom means he gets to dictate how your parents host an event, and you "don't want to fight " so you just want to figure out alternatives, I don't think either one of you is mature enough for marriage.

Gina0887 · March 2014

What about a beer and wine bar served by an actual bartender who knows not to over serve (and reiterate this point to them at the reception)?

chibiyui · March 2014

kittin92 said:

Well, I guess I need to go in more detail as the wording was sugarcoated.

His mother is becoming/is an alcoholic.
She has been in bar fights before and has previously gotten violent.
She'll likely end up in rehab. Has had a DUI before that I personally KNOW of.
She also knows how to act in events like this (in the past she has - it could be a toss up now).

My parents are aware that she enjoys alcohol but not quite to that extent.
I don't really want to tell them all details because it's a sensitive issue.

My fiance, as mentioned before, has been mostly "whatever you want" over this (I told him we would make sure the bar tender knew who she was beforehand and would serve her accordingly), but he is now adamantly against it as of tonight.

I feel as though I don't know the "right" way to proceed.

If his mom decides to act out/be inappropriate, she can do that with or without alcohol.

A good bartender will cut people off. You can have security on hand to escort anyone who gets rowdy out.

IF your FI is indeed adamant about this. He should also cover the cost of the reception then instead of your parents.

And honestly, being secretive about her struggles isn't helping anyone. Drop the "sensitivity" if you're honestly going to tell your parents they can't host an open bar because of FMIL, they deserve to know she's an alcoholic. This is probably not going to be the last time your parents are around her, and while recovery is all about being able to control yourself around alcohol, you don't' necessarily want your parents bringing over a bottle of wine if you're hosting both sets of parents for dinner.

AddieCake · March 2014

If you're going to ask your parents to change the bar plan, they definitely deserve to know the real reason why.

kmmssg · March 2014

Yeah, I come from a family chock full of addicts and alcoholics and if FSIL wanted me to ditch alcohol from a wedding I was paying for and hosting we would be having a long chat. I don't ditch it for my family (well, most of the offenders are dead now, go figure, but not all of them) and if we are talking only one person here, I wouldn't be too keen on catering everything to that person over the rest of the guests. I would have an excellent bartender on hand who would handle things and let the DOC and me know if things were getting out of hand.

banana468 · March 2014

kmmssg said:

Yeah, I come from a family chock full of addicts and alcoholics and if FSIL wanted me to ditch alcohol from a wedding I was paying for and hosting we would be having a long chat. I don't ditch it for my family (well, most of the offenders are dead now, go figure, but not all of them) and if we are talking only one person here, I wouldn't be too keen on catering everything to that person over the rest of the guests. I would have an excellent bartender on hand who would handle things and let the DOC and me know if things were getting out of hand.

This. You shouldn't change your reception because of a few bad apples. Instead, you talk to your licensed and insured venue about the issue and the measures they take to prevent guests from being over served.

I am in no way belittling the issue of an alcoholic parent, but your FI needs some counseling here. His solution of taking alcohol away from all because of his undisclosed issue with his mother seems to make no sense. Also, I would anticipate your parents being highly annoyed at their FSIL telling them how to spend their money. And with having a reception in the evening, I would doubt that guests would stay for a very long time at a dry reception.

lyndausvi · March 2014

banana468 said:

kmmssg said:

Yeah, I come from a family chock full of addicts and alcoholics and if FSIL wanted me to ditch alcohol from a wedding I was paying for and hosting we would be having a long chat. I don't ditch it for my family (well, most of the offenders are dead now, go figure, but not all of them) and if we are talking only one person here, I wouldn't be too keen on catering everything to that person over the rest of the guests. I would have an excellent bartender on hand who would handle things and let the DOC and me know if things were getting out of hand.

This. You shouldn't change your reception because of a few bad apples. Instead, you talk to your licensed and insured venue about the issue and the measures they take to prevent guests from being over served.

I am in no way belittling the issue of an alcoholic parent, but your FI needs some counseling here. His solution of taking alcohol away from all because of his undisclosed issue with his mother seems to make no sense. Also, I would anticipate your parents being highly annoyed at their FSIL telling them how to spend their money. And with having a reception in the evening, I would doubt that guests would stay for a very long time at a dry reception.

This.

alm&mdm · March 2014

I agree with the pp that there's a deeper issue here your FI will need to work through.

To put a little perspective on a similar situation for you, I have an aunt who a hardcore addict with drugs and alcohol. She's been arrested multiple times, done jail time and rehab stints. We are having an open bar but she is being placed on a do not serve list. I also have underage cousins who do not look underage so we needed to have a backup plan to make sure some guests are not served.

We are going to politely tell her before the wedding that to support her sobriety we have made sure she can't make any mistakes on the alcohol front. It's not a pretty conversation to have but when you have family with serious issues, sometimes things aren't pleasant.

JoanE2012 · March 2014

alm&mdm said:

I agree with the pp that there's a deeper issue here your FI will need to work through.

To put a little perspective on a similar situation for you, I have an aunt who a hardcore addict with drugs and alcohol. She's been arrested multiple times, done jail time and rehab stints. We are having an open bar but she is being placed on a do not serve list. I also have underage cousins who do not look underage so we needed to have a backup plan to make sure some guests are not served.

We are going to politely tell her before the wedding that to support her sobriety we have made sure she can't make any mistakes on the alcohol front. It's not a pretty conversation to have but when you have family with serious issues, sometimes things aren't pleasant.

Is she sober now? Does she want you to make sure she's not served alcohol? If not, it's quite possible that she will be furious that you're treating her like a child by pretty much posting her mugshot with a do not serve note and you'll still end up with the behavior you're trying to avoid. And, quite frankly, if an addict truly wants something, they'll get it. Telling the bartender not to serve her isn't going to make a difference.

As for your underage cousins, the bartender should be carding if he feels the person is under a certain age. He's the professional. It's not his first rodeo. He shouldn't have mugshots of the people not to serve.

niki&rob · March 2014

I can sympathize with you and your FI, My mother is an alcoholic. In September she had a grand mal seizure due to her alcoholism and has since quit drinking. I had not told my inlaws up to that point, but they happen to be visiting from accross the country at the time so i had no choice. It was extremely embarrasing for me to have to tell them, I thought it would reflect badly on me. My inlaws were in no way judgemental thank goodness. In my experience you will not be able to keep an alcoholic from drinking anywhere, she will bring her own if she is that bad, My mother walked around with a coffee mug full of vodka if she went out. I would suggest your FI talk to his mother and ask her not to drink at your wedding, He can let her know how embarassed and hurt he would be if she does, this might strike a cord with her. I had actually asked my mother not to drink before dress shopping, she wanted to be sober for me, this is when she had her seizure due to withdrawl, So the sober person in here may be reached?

mysticl · March 2014

kittin92 said:

Well, I guess I need to go in more detail as the wording was sugarcoated.

His mother is becoming/is an alcoholic.
She has been in bar fights before and has previously gotten violent.
She'll likely end up in rehab. Has had a DUI before that I personally KNOW of.
She also knows how to act in events like this (in the past she has - it could be a toss up now).

My parents are aware that she enjoys alcohol but not quite to that extent.
I don't really want to tell them all details because it's a sensitive issue.

My fiance, as mentioned before, has been mostly "whatever you want" over this (I told him we would make sure the bar tender knew who she was beforehand and would serve her accordingly), but he is now adamantly against it as of tonight.

I feel as though I don't know the "right" way to proceed.

If it's to the point where people are saying she'll probably end up in rehab, she probably should be in rehab.

Having a dry wedding will not stop her from drinking. If she wants to drink she will have a flask stashed on her somewhere. Even if she doesn't know the wedding is dry she may have the flask so that she can keep refilling her glass so it doesn't look like she is drinking as much as she really is. Addicts make sure they have their stash (be it cigarettes, crack, alcohol, etc) available or they know they will have the opportunity to get their drug of choice while they are out and about.

kittin92 · March 2014

STARMOON44 said:

If your FI thinks his worry about his mom means he gets to dictate how your parents host an event, and you "don't want to fight " so you just want to figure out alternatives, I don't think either one of you is mature enough for marriage.

By not wanting to fight, I mean by phone.
I've definitely got my whole life to continue to mature, but I do find it a bit judgy to say that to me.

AddieL73 said:

If you're going to ask your parents to change the bar plan, they definitely deserve to know the real reason why.

Definitely have told them now, and we're all going to work together to find out the best solution. FI has clarified to me that he should not have said "no" to all alcohol and has apologized. We (my parents, FI, and me) are going to come together and determine a way to best handle the situation. I hate to refer to a person as needing to be handled, but that's the best way to describe her as of late.

TLDR; open bar is still a go.

edit: I was hesitant to tell my parents before because my mom already does not like FMIL, and I did not want to give more "dirt." There are many things that are prone to turn into drama that I really want to avoid!

kittin92 · March 2014

niki&rob said:

I can sympathize with you and your FI, My mother is an alcoholic. In September she had a grand mal seizure due to her alcoholism and has since quit drinking. I had not told my inlaws up to that point, but they happen to be visiting from accross the country at the time so i had no choice. It was extremely embarrasing for me to have to tell them, I thought it would reflect badly on me. My inlaws were in no way judgemental thank goodness. In my experience you will not be able to keep an alcoholic from drinking anywhere, she will bring her own if she is that bad, My mother walked around with a coffee mug full of vodka if she went out. I would suggest your FI talk to his mother and ask her not to drink at your wedding, He can let her know how embarassed and hurt he would be if she does, this might strike a cord with her. I had actually asked my mother not to drink before dress shopping, she wanted to be sober for me, this is when she had her seizure due to withdrawl, So the sober person in here may be reached?

This a good idea and we're definitely going to plan a good way to approach her. She's not home very often and has an 11yr old son that is basically raised by men that are not his father. My FI's dad actually watches the son, feeds the son, etc, along with another family friend. She's spiraled out of control at this point...which she's definitely in need of rehabilitation (just so everyone knows, FI and her have hashed this out a few times).

I was going to meet with her yesterday (told FI she would be home at 3pm and for me to come over and the youngest would let me in), and she never showed up. I waited for her until 9pm with her youngest son. I had texted/called her while waiting and never received a response. I don't think I ever will. I ended up staying with him until FI could come be with him for the night.
I was going to meet with her in hopes of connecting a little bit more and making her feel involved in our wedding. Her oldest son recently eloped without as much as a phone call to anyone and instead posted his marital status on Facebook. I was hoping she would want to be involved in this wedding by at least knowing some of the details and giving me a list of people she would like to invite that I have not included on our guest list.

Anyway, this is less of a reception problem now. Thanks everyone for your feedback and suggestions.

Jen4948 · March 2014

kittin92 said:

STARMOON44 said:

If your FI thinks his worry about his mom means he gets to dictate how your parents host an event, and you "don't want to fight " so you just want to figure out alternatives, I don't think either one of you is mature enough for marriage.

By not wanting to fight, I mean by phone.
I've definitely got my whole life to continue to mature, but I do find it a bit judgy to say that to me. I have to agree. It in fact does mean that they are mature, because not wanting to have alcohol is not unreasonable. It would be one less thing that her parents would have to pay for. If her parents had a problem with that, then maybe they could work out a compromise. Wanting to figure out alternatives does not mean neither one is mature enough for marriage. That suggestion was inappropriately harsh and negative based on a small amount of information.

AddieL73 said:

If you're going to ask your parents to change the bar plan, they definitely deserve to know the real reason why.

Definitely have told them now, and we're all going to work together to find out the best solution. FI has clarified to me that he should not have said "no" to all alcohol and has apologized. We (my parents, FI, and me) are going to come together and determine a way to best handle the situation. I hate to refer to a person as needing to be handled, but that's the best way to describe her as of late.

TLDR; open bar is still a go. Glad you worked things out and he apologized.

edit: I was hesitant to tell my parents before because my mom already does not like FMIL, and I did not want to give more "dirt." There are many things that are prone to turn into drama that I really want to avoid! Don't blame you!

LondonLisa · March 2014

I'm glad this has worked out, but if his mother is an alcoholic to the level you suggest, she is going to find a way to have alcohol in a dry wedding. I have been to a dry wedding where an alcoholic uncle snuck in a hip flask. Can your Fi's father or a trusted aunt step in if FMIL starts to get "rowdy"?

Also, I think fi should sit down with his mother in some counseling beforehand and just try to talk through some of his feelings about her drinking. I know you cannot fix someone who doesn't want to change, but I think it would be good to at least air some of his grievances in a safe space.

OliveOilsMom · March 2014

Your FI could benefit from some Al-Anon meetings. It is to help the family of alcoholics, deal with the alcoholic. Also, who is the father of the young son? He needs much more supervision than you describe and it may be beneficial to him that someone take the mom to court for custody of him.

kmmssg · April 2014

OliveOilsMom said:

Your FI could benefit from some Al-Anon meetings. It is to help the family of alcoholics, deal with the alcoholic. Also, who is the father of the young son? He needs much more supervision than you describe and it may be beneficial to him that someone take the mom to court for custody of him.

ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto. Al-Anon has been incredibly helpful to members of my family and I really encourage you and FI to look into them.

kmmssg · April 2014

alm&mdm said:

I agree with the pp that there's a deeper issue here your FI will need to work through.

To put a little perspective on a similar situation for you, I have an aunt who a hardcore addict with drugs and alcohol. She's been arrested multiple times, done jail time and rehab stints. We are having an open bar but she is being placed on a do not serve list. I also have underage cousins who do not look underage so we needed to have a backup plan to make sure some guests are not served.

We are going to politely tell her before the wedding that to support her sobriety we have made sure she can't make any mistakes on the alcohol front. It's not a pretty conversation to have but when you have family with serious issues, sometimes things aren't pleasant.

I really suspect this is going to backfire miserably. Either 1. she is in a period where she is working a program really hard to maintain her sobriety and you will be shaming her mercilessly, OR 2. (and what I suspect) is you are giving her fair warning to stash flasks in her car and purse. If she wants to drink she WILL.

I have lost immediate family members to alcoholism and addiction so I am pretty sensitive to how it feels as a family member and I am pretty by the book about not being an enabler. I find your approach to be quite horrid. There is no way you could possibly insult this person more or make them feel any less welcome at your wedding. Nothing says please attend our wedding like identifying her to the bartender and refusing to serve her.

I get the damage, I get the hurt, I get the anger. This is just a very misguided avenue of approach.

Jen4948 · April 2014

kmmssg said:

alm&mdm said:

I agree with the pp that there's a deeper issue here your FI will need to work through.

To put a little perspective on a similar situation for you, I have an aunt who a hardcore addict with drugs and alcohol. She's been arrested multiple times, done jail time and rehab stints. We are having an open bar but she is being placed on a do not serve list. I also have underage cousins who do not look underage so we needed to have a backup plan to make sure some guests are not served.

We are going to politely tell her before the wedding that to support her sobriety we have made sure she can't make any mistakes on the alcohol front. It's not a pretty conversation to have but when you have family with serious issues, sometimes things aren't pleasant.

I really suspect this is going to backfire miserably. Either 1. she is in a period where she is working a program really hard to maintain her sobriety and you will be shaming her mercilessly, OR 2. (and what I suspect) is you are giving her fair warning to stash flasks in her car and purse. If she wants to drink she WILL.

I have lost immediate family members to alcoholism and addiction so I am pretty sensitive to how it feels as a family member and I am pretty by the book about not being an enabler. I find your approach to be quite horrid. There is no way you could possibly insult this person more or make them feel any less welcome at your wedding. Nothing says please attend our wedding like identifying her to the bartender and refusing to serve her.

I get the damage, I get the hurt, I get the anger. This is just a very misguided avenue of approach.

I disagree. However uncomfortable this particular guest might feel by this approach, there's another issue at stake, which is the safety of other guests and the protection of the property of the venue. This is a person who has a habit of putting that at risk when she drinks, because she is unable to judge how much she can safely drink before she is intoxicated to the point that other people and things are in danger. Sorry, but safety has to take priority.

Something else: She brought the "insult" on herself by refusing to exercise judgment and responsibility. That's the consequences of her own bad decision. If her feelings are hurt by this, it's entirely her problem.

alm&mdm · April 2014

All addicts are also different and his need to be handled differently. No one knows the backstory and all we have gone through with her and her behaviors; just as I can not claim to understand what any of you who shared family experience have gone through. For my family, and this decision has been discussed with her husband as well, this is the only option we have. She is not responsible with her actions. She spent nearly a year in an out patient rehab and was still managing to use behind everyone backs. I have to place a well known ban to the bartenders if she is even able to attend the wedding, If she is caught relapsing again she will sent to prison again and all of this becomes a mute point.

All I'm trying to say is everyone has to judge their own situation for themselves and their loved ones. What is polite and proper does not always work for every situation and that is sad but it's life.

To the OP, I'm very glad you and your FI were able to discuss this and have be more open with each other and your family. Best of luck to you both on your wedding and your family connections!

traditionallyuntraditional · April 2014

I don't know how far out your wedding is but I think for the emotional well being of your FI and future in laws you should support him in speaking with her BEFORE the wedding. It's painful, I know my father is a raging alcoholic, but if there is any chance to get her help before she harms herself or others I would assume the people who love her would want her to get that help right away.
It's a job nobody wants to do and it doesn't always work but you have to at the very least try.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

banana468 said:

kmmssg said:

Yeah, I come from a family chock full of addicts and alcoholics and if FSIL wanted me to ditch alcohol from a wedding I was paying for and hosting we would be having a long chat. I don't ditch it for my family (well, most of the offenders are dead now, go figure, but not all of them) and if we are talking only one person here, I wouldn't be too keen on catering everything to that person over the rest of the guests. I would have an excellent bartender on hand who would handle things and let the DOC and me know if things were getting out of hand.

This. You shouldn't change your reception because of a few bad apples. Instead, you talk to your licensed and insured venue about the issue and the measures they take to prevent guests from being over served.

I am in no way belittling the issue of an alcoholic parent, but your FI needs some counseling here. His solution of taking alcohol away from all because of his undisclosed issue with his mother seems to make no sense. Also, I would anticipate your parents being highly annoyed at their FSIL telling them how to spend their money. And with having a reception in the evening, I would doubt that guests would stay for a very long time at a dry reception.

This^

Not only this, but if his mother is truly an alcoholic, having a dry reception won't necessarily keep her sober. people with addiction issues tend to find ways to get their fix, no matter the circumstances.

nlh85 · April 2014

There were a lot of responses here and I admit I didn't read all of them, but I'm going to go against the grain of most of what I saw and say I think the wise thing to do would be a dry or very limited alcohol wedding. The wedding is about you and your fiance making a commitment to live life together and to help carry each other's burdens, not about hosting a good party. IMO, there is no strong legitimate reason to serve alcohol. It is not a necessity. The compassionate thing to do for your fiance would be to respect his anxiety and concern, and to partner with him in trying to do the right thing for his mom. This issue with his mom is going to be a long-term issue that you'll have to deal with in your marriage, and dealing with that well is so much more important than having alcohol at your wedding.

Regarding your parents, I don't think it's necessary to disclose all the details to them. Tell them you appreciate the offer of the open bar, but you would both be much more comfortable with little/no alcohol. And I do think you should say both of you feel that way - I know you're okay with it, but you need to present it as a united stance. And frankly (and I'm probably overstepping here, so I apologize)...but the truth is, in this situation, you really should be uncomfortable with it. What hurts him should, be extension, hurt you. If they absolutely won't budge, then there might not be much you can do unless you're willing to take over the expense of the wedding, but most parents aren't going to insist on that if they believe you're strongly opposed to it.

Lastly, one thing to keep in mind - if you do serve alcohol, that will cause anxiety in him that day. Possibly a lot of anxiety, if he's spending the day waiting for the worst. And wouldn't you rather him not have that distraction or anxiety on top of everything else?

I know I'm in the minority here, but those are my thoughts to take or leave. Good luck with everything!

thesummersky · April 2014

There were a lot of responses here and I admit I didn't read all of them, but I'm going to go against the grain of most of what I saw and say I think the wise thing to do would be a dry or very limited alcohol wedding. The wedding is about you and your fiance making a commitment to live life together and to help carry each other's burdens, not about hosting a good party. IMO, there is no strong legitimate reason to serve alcohol. It is not a necessity. The compassionate thing to do for your fiance would be to respect his anxiety and concern, and to partner with him in trying to do the right thing for his mom. This issue with his mom is going to be a long-term issue that you'll have to deal with in your marriage, and dealing with that well is so much more important than having alcohol at your wedding.

Regarding your parents, I don't think it's necessary to disclose all the details to them. Tell them you appreciate the offer of the open bar, but you would both be much more comfortable with little/no alcohol. And I do think you should say both of you feel that way - I know you're okay with it, but you need to present it as a united stance. And frankly (and I'm probably overstepping here, so I apologize)...but the truth is, in this situation, you really should be uncomfortable with it. What hurts him should, be extension, hurt you. If they absolutely won't budge, then there might not be much you can do unless you're willing to take over the expense of the wedding, but most parents aren't going to insist on that if they believe you're strongly opposed to it.

Lastly, one thing to keep in mind - if you do serve alcohol, that will cause anxiety in him that day. Possibly a lot of anxiety, if he's spending the day waiting for the worst. And wouldn't you rather him not have that distraction or anxiety on top of everything else?

I know I'm in the minority here, but those are my thoughts to take or leave. Good luck with everything!

**STUCK IN BOX**

I agree that with everything surrounding this situation, it sounds like it would be best to host a dry wedding. I'd say FI being uncomfortable with alcohol would be reason enough for me. Do keep in mind if you host a dry wedding, people may leave sooner. I'd also consider, 'How much do I want alcohol there? Why do I want it,' and if those reasons outweigh how much and why FI doesn't want any there. I'd also consider ways you could achieve the same goal without serving alcohol.

As for the quote above, a hosted party is exactly what the reception is. It's a party for your wedding guests, hosted by you. The ceremony itself is all about two individuals committing to each other, and two families becoming one.

Help! Groom wants NO alcohol

Re: Help! Groom wants NO alcohol

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