Over the excuses

crunchymamaof2 · March 2014

Anyone else super annoyed at all the same old excuses people keep using to attempt to validate their rudeness? Some of them make no sense!

"We're paying for our wedding and we have a tight budget so we can't......"' Um...who else do you expect to fund your wedding? If your parents or others offer then great, lucky you! But today many many couples pay for their own weddings and not many have unlimited budgets. Your vision doesn't give you the green light to cut corners and be a shitty host. I'd rather plan/attend a $1000 well hosted wedding than a $100,000 one that just oozes rudeness. And no, those fancy centerpieces aren't going to make me forget how rude I was treated. Sorry.

"It's MY day and I can do whatever I want!" What are you 5? I mean really. Its not Burger King where you can have it your way, at least when you start inviting other people to attend.

"Everyone in my circle does ____ so it's fine!" Okay so if everyone in your circle started robbing banks would you do that to?

"We just can't afford an open bar, ____, or ____. Our family and friends will understand." Just curious, how much did your dress cost? Your flowers? Yeah...probably more than they should have if you can't host your guests properly. Have a dry wedding, scale back other areas, offer only beer and wine, wait until you can save enough to plan ex wedding you truly want. But there's no excuse or reason to treat others poorly.

Those are just off the top of my head. Please feel free to add

k, vent over

phira · March 2014

Every time I hear, "Our friends and families will understand," or, "If people love us, they'll understand," I want to flip a table. My friends and family members do things all the time that drive me nuts; I often don't tell them because I don't want to stir shit up.

hyechica81 · March 2014

where is the reception are you doing a plated meal i hope its not buffet thats a slap in the face? ( we are doing plated)

is there wine at the tables? you should have wine at each table ( im sorry but my venue does not allow bottles at the table because they wont know how much each person really drank) they do have wine at the bar for anyone who wants it.

you should really do the desert table it would be nice ( i wanted to at first but its an extra 1300 and i don't have that money)

CMGragain · March 2014

"We're Catholic and must get married at 2:00 PM, so there has to be a 3 hour gap before our reception starts." Have an afternoon reception and treat your guests politely.

"My husband is in the military, so we had to get married by a JOP for insurance, but we're going to have our real wedding in June."

"We have to have an open bar because our families expect it."

"Every girl deserves the wedding of her dreams!"

kmmssg · March 2014

I do get tired of the excuses. You only plan what you can AFFORD, period.

Last DD gets married in June. Her guest list is 170ish. The wedding begins at 5 pm with guests seated at their tables, cocktail hour is 5:30 - 6:30, reception starts at 6:30. There will be a full dinner served and an open bar.

We can NOT afford to go to a hotel or venue with its' own liquor license. We have a venue where we can bring in the caterer of our choice, the bartender of our choice (who will NOT be setting out a tip jar), our own alcohol, our own DOC, and if we wanted to, we could make our own cake but we are not.

We knew the vision she and her FI wanted, we set our budget, made the guest list, and then found the venue where we could do all of that within our means. It means a lot of work by the happy couple, her dad and stepmom, and my other bioDD who would have it no other way. Her sister did the same for her and now she is returning the favor.

For the wedding day I have hired one of the best DOC's around - used her for last DD's wedding. I also will hire 4 of my sister-in-law's varsity cheerleaders (she is the coach) to be at the beck and call of the DOC and especially to help with cleanup at the end of the evening. The money I pay them goes straight into their cheerleading camp fund. Win-win.

We can't afford the kind of wedding we are after by going to a hotel or other all inclusive type venue. We can afford what we are doing and our budget is set at 100% attendance. Think outside the box if you can't afford something. If you can't make it work, you can't do it. Pretty simple.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

acove2006 said:

Anyone else super annoyed at all the same old excuses people keep using to attempt to validate their rudeness? Some of them make no sense!

"We're paying for our wedding and we have a tight budget so we can't......"' Um...who else do you expect to fund your wedding? If your parents or others offer then great, lucky you! But today many many couples pay for their own weddings and not many have unlimited budgets. Your vision doesn't give you the green light to cut corners and be a shitty host. I'd rather plan/attend a $1000 well hosted wedding than a $100,000 one that just oozes rudeness. And no, those fancy centerpieces aren't going to make me forget how rude I was treated. Sorry.

"It's MY day and I can do whatever I want!" What are you 5? I mean really. Its not Burger King where you can have it your way, at least when you start inviting other people to attend.

"Everyone in my circle does ____ so it's fine!" Okay so if everyone in your circle started robbing banks would you do that to?

"We just can't afford an open bar, ____, or ____. Our family and friends will understand." Just curious, how much did your dress cost? Your flowers? Yeah...probably more than they should have if you can't host your guests properly. Have a dry wedding, scale back other areas, offer only beer and wine, wait until you can save enough to plan ex wedding you truly want. But there's no excuse or reason to treat others poorly.

Those are just off the top of my head. Please feel free to add k, vent over

I will say, DH and I used that line, but it was followed with, '...so we can't afford a full open hosted bar, so we're having a limited hosted bar.'

Because cash bars ARE the norm in my social circle, and I refused to have one. We had three kinds of beer, three kinds of wine, champagne, soda, tea, coffee, lemonade, water.

No one opened their wallets for our wedding -- we had valet service included in our venue cost, so people didn't have to pay for that, even.

There are ways to cut corners and save money and still host people properly.

But I will side-eye and judge the ever-loving SHIT out of you if you have out-of-season flowers, two (expensive) dresses, limo service, multiple photographers, a videographer, etc......and then have a cash bar.

I have been to a dry wedding that was properly hosted (no drinking because bride's parents don't believe in drinking and were funding the reception), and I had a blast. I didn't care that there was no booze, or that there were minimal decorations ($5K budget for 350 guests), or that we didn't get favours, because we were hosted properly.

I ditto @kmmssg. You figure out what you can afford to spend, and then you host properly based on that.

Simply Fated · March 2014

"Our parents won't help us, so we're paying for the wedding ourselves..."

Even if someone else was paying, like their parents... do they think that would change our opinion? A budget is a budget, no matter who is signing the checks. Would they expect us to say, "Oh your parents are paying? Then by all means, definitely have an open bar with top shelf liquor AND have those doves and peacocks at your cocktail hour! Why not, someone else is paying, so who cares what the budget is!" Unless your parents are the Trumps, then stop whining about how you're stuck paying for it yourselves.

"But I had to invite..."

The only things you need to get married with are a marriage license and an officiant/pastor. You don't need to spend any more money than you would on those things. Once you start inviting people or choosing to use certain traditional elements, then you forgo using your number of guests as an excuse. You made choices, own them.

"Our family and friends will understand."

They might understand, but that doesn't mean they will like it. Big difference. I understand why my friend's wedding invitation said "SF and guest" but that doesn't mean I liked it.

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

Ah! I'm tired of those too. We aren't paying for it, but still trying to keep a budget because I respect my parents money too. Currently we are aimed to host our guests beautifully and come in about half the budget we were given.

But I do think people encourage these excuses, which is unfortunate. We had family over this weekend and my aunt kept saying "It is your day, do what you want" and it the next breath she complained about a few other weddings and complained about the very thing she was trying to get me to do! Ah! Good thing I can bean dip and deflect, which is what I spent spring break doing.

Jen4948 · March 2014

How about: "We couldn't let you bring your SO in order to keep down our costs."

"We don't trust anyone else to watch our kids, so we have to bring them even if they're not invited."

"It's our wedding, so we have to remember our deceased loved ones with unsubtle overt gestures, even if they evoke the grief of others present."

"We have to bring our own food and drinks even if that violates your venue contract-we don't trust you to plan for our dietary conditions."

Cookie Pusher · March 2014

I'm totally over the snowflakes who keep confusing tradition with etiquette!

mcgarci2 · March 2014

"My parents are paying for the wedding, but they want to invite soandso! It's MY wedding. Why do they think they get any say???"

"I want to have my brother/sister at my wedding, but their SO is soooo crazy. Like BSC. They always fight with me. How can I only invite my brother/sister?"

Ick.

lc07 · March 2014

"We aren't inviting SOs because we only want people at our special day who WE know."

This one KILLS me.

cowgirl8238 · March 2014

Don't forget the "I'm only inviting people in a serious relationship because I don't want some random fling to be all over my wedding pictures."

yuck

LondonLisa · March 2014

"My friends and family WANT me to have a honeymoon registry/ registry on the invitation/ come to a wedding redo/ get invited to a prewedding party without a wedding invite and are giving us grief for not arranging it. Am I supposed to just disappoint them?!?"

Yes, yes you are!

also,

"You don't know MY crowd. They don't care that I am *insert rude hostess behaviour here*. They all love me and support me, and NO ONE is talking about me behind my back, so you are WRONG! I'm sorry you all have negative people in your life that do that. If my guests are offended, then they shouldn't come!"

edited, spelling!

sarawifenow · March 2014

A friend of a friend is getting married and started ranting all over facebook, "my grandmother is paying for/throwing my bridal shower. She wants to have chicken for the meal! Can you believe it? How cheap...it's my day! If I want steak I should have it. It's not like she can't afford it." I about lost it on this one!

phira · March 2014

SaraBrideSoon said:

A friend of a friend is getting married and started ranting all over facebook, "my grandmother is paying for/throwing my bridal shower. She wants to have chicken for the meal! Can you believe it? How cheap...it's my day! If I want steak I should have it. It's not like she can't afford it." I about lost it on this one!

I hope her grandmother finds out and declines to host. Holy crap. It's a frickin bridal shower.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

hyechica81 said:

where is the reception are you doing a plated meal i hope its not buffet thats a slap in the face? ( we are doing plated)

is there wine at the tables? you should have wine at each table ( im sorry but my venue does not allow bottles at the table because they wont know how much each person really drank) they do have wine at the bar for anyone who wants it.

you should really do the desert table it would be nice ( i wanted to at first but its an extra 1300 and i don't have that money)

I don't get that one. I think both are fine options, and I have had both great and crappy plated and buffet meals at weddings, lol.

We are doing food stations- so glorified buffet :-P

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

The current excuse I hear nearly everyday: "I really don't give a crap. This is what we're doing. If people have a problem with it, tough shit. They're rude for even assuming we'd do otherwise."

I hope you still don't care when people don't show up or are suddenly very uninterested in listening to you gloat about your wedding where you intentionally plan to host people in a really shitty way.

HuskyStark · March 2014

Wow. This is one scary topic. I don't really get being this offended as a guest at someone else's wedding... If you are somehow required to spend oodles of money to attend, then I understand having certain expectations, but I'm thinking more of bridesmaids here. It is the wedding couple's day. We are spending way more on the reception than on my dress, but I can understand doing the opposite. For the bride & groom, it's a day that will be extremely important to them forever. For guests, it's just another wedding. I fully expect certain guests to be grumpy regardless of their food & beverage options, but now I'm mildly terrified of being perceived as the a horrible host instead of a lovely bride....

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

HuskyStark said:

Wow. This is one scary topic. I don't really get being this offended as a guest at someone else's wedding... If you are somehow required to spend oodles of money to attend, then I understand having certain expectations, but I'm thinking more of bridesmaids here. It is the wedding couple's day. We are spending way more on the reception than on my dress, but I can understand doing the opposite. For the bride & groom, it's a day that will be extremely important to them forever. For guests, it's just another wedding. I fully expect certain guests to be grumpy regardless of their food & beverage options, but now I'm mildly terrified of being perceived as the a horrible host instead of a lovely bride....

The bolded line is where you're wrong. Perhaps that was YOUR experience in attending the weddings you have--it was just another, mildly important day to YOU--but for many guests, seeing a loved one get married is very special. To receive an invitation to that event says (or it should say, anyway) "I love you, I care about you, and I want you to share this day with me and my future spouse." A wedding ceases to be all about the bride and groom when they invite other people to participate. When you include other people in your plans, you have to treat them properly, not like audience members to your amazing beautiful grand wedding.

If I wanted to see a show, I'd go to the movies. If I was ok with paying for drinks all night, I'd do that at a bar/venue of MY choosing. If you're asking me to come to your event, then please host me properly once I'm there (ex: a cash bar is essentially guests paying for the beverage options which the couple chose not to afford when they planned it). A wedding is an event hosted by two people, and hosted events should be hosted in such a way that the invited guests are taken care of.

You can certainly be a lovely bride, it's not that difficult. Invite your guests with their partners regardless of relationship type/length, do not leave an unhosted gap between the ceremony and reception, do not require guests to do things like wear certain colors/clothing, give only cash gifts, etc., and do not make your guests open their wallets at your reception. You wouldn't charge people for drinks if you had them over for dinner, right? A wedding is pretty much the same thing, just hosted at a venue outside your home (I'm assuming). You wanna throw the event, you pay for the food and drinks. It's not that difficult.

lc07 · March 2014

HuskyStark said:

Wow. This is one scary topic. I don't really get being this offended as a guest at someone else's wedding... If you are somehow required to spend oodles of money to attend, then I understand having certain expectations, but I'm thinking more of bridesmaids here. It is the wedding couple's day. We are spending way more on the reception than on my dress, but I can understand doing the opposite. For the bride & groom, it's a day that will be extremely important to them forever. For guests, it's just another wedding. I fully expect certain guests to be grumpy regardless of their food & beverage options, but now I'm mildly terrified of being perceived as the a horrible host instead of a lovely bride....

You will only be perceived that way if you are a horrible host. The ladies here are full of great advice if you are uncertain about your hosting plans.

phira · March 2014

HuskyStark said:

Wow. This is one scary topic. I don't really get being this offended as a guest at someone else's wedding... If you are somehow required to spend oodles of money to attend, then I understand having certain expectations, but I'm thinking more of bridesmaids here. It is the wedding couple's day. We are spending way more on the reception than on my dress, but I can understand doing the opposite. For the bride & groom, it's a day that will be extremely important to them forever. For guests, it's just another wedding. I fully expect certain guests to be grumpy regardless of their food & beverage options, but now I'm mildly terrified of being perceived as the a horrible host instead of a lovely bride....

It bears repeating: The couple's wedding day is about just them ... if they're eloping. It's really selfish for people to assume that everyone will come and celebrate their Awesome Amazing Relationship (TM) and happily be treated like props. You don't deserve to have everyone celebrating with you if you don't care enough to host them well.

And this is a semi-regular reminder to everyone (not just you, @HuskyStark) that "bride and groom" is not an accurate generalization for couples who are getting married.

crunchymamaof2 · March 2014

The ceremony will certainly be an extremely important day in a couple's life. The reception? To an extent. But the reception isn't about the bride and groom! It's how you thank your loved ones for witnessing your wedding. If someone doesn't care to be at the reception or ceremony than they shouldn't go. Bring a good host is not hard, so I'm not quite sure what you're worried about @huskystark. Everything listed in this thread has been said (shouted) by those who aren't hosting their guests properly and/or don't want to. That's really shitty. So unless you plan to do any of those things you'll be fine!

Jells2dot0 · April 2014

"We're getting married in Mexico, but since the paperwork is too difficult, we're signing the marriage license a few weeks (or months) before the event."

UGH.....

Cookie Pusher · April 2014

"If someone doesn't like what we're doing/thinks we're rude (because we are)/side-eyes us, we wouldn't want them in our lives anyway!" *gag*

NYCBruin · April 2014

Jells2dot0 said:

"We're getting married in Mexico, but since the paperwork is too difficult, we're signing the marriage license a few weeks (or months) before the event."

UGH.....

UGH this one drives me bonkers, there are literally thousands of places in the world to get married, if it's so damn difficult to get married in Mexico, PICK ANOTHER LOCATION! I just don't get it.

Simply Fated · April 2014

Jells2dot0 said:
"We're getting married in Mexico, but since the paperwork is too difficult, we're signing the marriage license a few weeks (or months) before the event."

UGH.....

Ew, this.
I just don't get the point of getting married in Mexico if you're not actually getting married IN Mexico. Or Italy. Or Chicago. Or Winterfell.

You want pretty beaches? Drinks with umbrellas in them? An excuse to be with your friends and family in an exotic location? Go for it! Get married where you want. But don't pretend like you're getting married just to put on a show for everyone. If I want to see a show, I'll go to the theater, thanks.

crunchymamaof2 · April 2014

Cookie Pusher said:

"If someone doesn't like what we're doing/thinks we're rude (because we are)/side-eyes us, we wouldn't want them in our lives anyway!" *gag*

I'd love to hear someone say that if it were their parents or best friend of 20 years that thinks they're being rude.

KatWAG · April 2014

"But what if someone wears white/ jeans to the wedding. My day will be ruined."

FWIW, I was at a wedding on Saturday and a guest wore a floor length, flowy, white dress and no one confused her with the bride.

phira · April 2014

Simply Fated said:

"We're getting married in Mexico, but since the paperwork is too difficult, we're signing the marriage license a few weeks (or months) before the event."

UGH.....
Ew, this. I just don't get the point of getting married in Mexico if you're not actually getting married IN Mexico. Or Italy. Or Chicago. Or Winterfell. You want pretty beaches? Drinks with umbrellas in them? An excuse to be with your friends and family in an exotic location? Go for it! Get married where you want. But don't pretend like you're getting married just to put on a show for everyone. If I want to see a show, I'll go to the theater, thanks.

Exactly. When people want to get married at a destination, but get actually-married at home first, it's hard to convince me they're not doing it for the photos.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

HuskyStark said:

Wow. This is one scary topic. I don't really get being this offended as a guest at someone else's wedding... If you are somehow required to spend oodles of money to attend, then I understand having certain expectations, but I'm thinking more of bridesmaids here. It is the wedding couple's day. We are spending way more on the reception than on my dress, but I can understand doing the opposite. For the bride & groom, it's a day that will be extremely important to them forever. For guests, it's just another wedding. I fully expect certain guests to be grumpy regardless of their food & beverage options, but now I'm mildly terrified of being perceived as the a horrible host instead of a lovely bride....

Yes, some guests will be grumpy no matter what you do. DH's BSC grandmother was pissy throughout our entire Mass because she didn't think there should have been a Catholic Mass at all.

Too.Damn.Bad.

We had a buffet, with a limited hosted bar, because that's what we could afford. If people side-eyed not being able to get hosted top-shelf cocktails, well, that's on them. If people side-eyed not being served filet mignon with lobster tails, that's also on them.

But if you host your guests properly -- no cash bar, no splitting up couples, no pot-luck receptions -- then you're being a good hostess.

You will not always hostess to everyone's idea of a good party; that's just not possible. But you can always host properly, and as long as you do that, anyone who judges you is them being the asshole, not you.

Over the excuses

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