Wedding Etiquette Forum

How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

18911131421

Re: How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

  • image

    **Posted again so that it is bigger and makes more of an impact.
    That about sums it up!
  • @grumbledore - You are probably right.  And the fact that (as you say) 10 pages later, there is no change, just makes me weep for humanity.

     

  • I am having this same issue right now... It seems a lot of people think that not inviting ones BF or GF is rude... I happen to disagree. In my opinion, if you are living together/ engaged or married, then a +1 is a must.... but if it's just a casual BF/GF thing, I wouldn't concern yourself too much with it. NOW, with that being said.. you MUST MUST MUST plan for additional people, because what was once a casual relationship may become something that is in the +1 criteria by the time the wedding rolls around.

     

    People will be offended, but if you simply explain to them in a mature manner about the situation, people are usually pretty understanding in the end. But, again, you will get the "but what if?" questions.. and I simply say "then we will cross that bridge when it comes". Then again, my family and friends know I am very blunt and respect my decisions, knowing that I make them for the best possible reasons.

     

    Good luck to you... and remember, regardless of anything.. this is you and your husbands day... so whatever makes you and the people you love the most happy, then follow your heart... but also PLAN :)

    OK, I'll play.

    I have been dating my FI for almost 13 years and we have never once lived together during that time. . . are you going to invite us as a couple?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • OK, I'll play.

    I have been dating my FI for almost 13 years and we have never once lived together during that time. . . are you going to invite us as a couple?

    Of course she wouldn't! She obviously knows the inner workings of your relationship better than you do!
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • @PrettyGirlLost - but you're engaged so you both would be invited.

    Now, if you weren't already engaged, that's another story.

     

  • PGL, obviously your relationship isn't serious since you don't live together.  I mean c'mon, some of the Snowflakes aren't even inviting both halves of MARRIED couples.


    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • PGL, obviously your relationship isn't serious since you don't live together.  I mean c'mon, some of the Snowflakes aren't even inviting both halves of MARRIED couples.

    I'm sorry, what?!?!  Where did I miss that little gem?

     

  • I love how this has become 11 pages of people just repeating the same thing over and over and over again.  Other than spouting your opinions and telling everyone to use common sense and being rude to those that have differing opinions from yours or try to provide sources why don't some of you etiquette queens back up your opinions with valid sources.  Where is this rule book you all seem to be quoting from?  Instead of sitting on your high horses judging everyone else that doesn't agree with you why don't you back up what you are saying with a creditable source.  Opinions don't matter because everyone has one and they are all different.  So instead of being caddy like we are all back in high school let's act like that adults that we are and show some respect for each other.  So please if there are credible sources to back up what you are saying then by all means show me.
  • @abbj700 - I asked this same question a page or so ago and got no answers. 

     

  • TakerFan1 said:
    I love how this has become 11 pages of people just repeating the same thing over and over and over again.  Other than spouting your opinions and telling everyone to use common sense and being rude to those that have differing opinions from yours or try to provide sources why don't some of you etiquette queens back up your opinions with valid sources.  Where is this rule book you all seem to be quoting from?  Instead of sitting on your high horses judging everyone else that doesn't agree with you why don't you back up what you are saying with a creditable source.  Opinions don't matter because everyone has one and they are all different.  So instead of being caddy like we are all back in high school let's act like that adults that we are and show some respect for each other.  So please if there are credible sources to back up what you are saying then by all means show me.
    One doesn't need a rule book to know that splitting up couples is rude.

  • @abbj700 - I asked this same question a page or so ago and got no answers. 
    I think I asked that back on page 2 or 3.

  • I'm sorry, what?!?!  Where did I miss that little gem?
    Page 8, about half way down, I think. I tried to quote but it wouldn't work for some reason. I copied and pasted:

    I think it depends on the couple..
    I feel like some people are more reasonable and understanding than others. I'm planning my ceremony and have a limit of only 80 people. Friends understand that we prefer family first and then our closest friends.
    We have a couple that is getting married this summer and we're better friends with the wife to be.
    We explained the situation to them and the husband to be completely understood our situation. (But then again he's also been to quite a few weddings and know the best part is the reception so he was totally fine with that). So she will be coming to the ceremony and then he will join us for the reception.
    Another couple on the other hand, we don't know the wife too well. More of a "hello how are you?" basis. But after talking to the husband he was a little upset and would prefer his wife there at the ceremony. So we accommodated.
    I would suggest explaining the situation, maybe removing certain people?
    It's your special day. But if it's going to cause a rift then maybe finding a new venue is best...
  • I wouldn't be surprised if you did, but it's clear none of us are getting an answer.

     

  • I wouldn't be surprised if you did, but it's clear none of us are getting an answer.
    That's because they have no answer.

  • TakerFan1 said:
    I love how this has become 11 pages of people just repeating the same thing over and over and over again.  Other than spouting your opinions and telling everyone to use common sense and being rude to those that have differing opinions from yours or try to provide sources why don't some of you etiquette queens back up your opinions with valid sources.  Where is this rule book you all seem to be quoting from?  Instead of sitting on your high horses judging everyone else that doesn't agree with you why don't you back up what you are saying with a creditable source.  Opinions don't matter because everyone has one and they are all different.  So instead of being caddy like we are all back in high school let's act like that adults that we are and show some respect for each other.  So please if there are credible sources to back up what you are saying then by all means show me.
    Oh, just go away. You don't want to take the advice given for whatever messed up reasoning you have. Look for a REPUTABLE source that says you can do what you're planning. Many that you could select as "reputable" have been shot down already in the past 10 pages.
  • TakerFan1 said:
    I love how this has become 11 pages of people just repeating the same thing over and over and over again.  Other than spouting your opinions and telling everyone to use common sense and being rude to those that have differing opinions from yours or try to provide sources why don't some of you etiquette queens back up your opinions with valid sources.  Where is this rule book you all seem to be quoting from?  Instead of sitting on your high horses judging everyone else that doesn't agree with you why don't you back up what you are saying with a creditable source.  Opinions don't matter because everyone has one and they are all different.  So instead of being caddy like we are all back in high school let's act like that adults that we are and show some respect for each other.  So please if there are credible sources to back up what you are saying then by all means show me.
    It's just common sense.  


    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
  • For me it isn't about judging how serious a relationship is.  It is about drawing a line and applying it evenly.  If you are married, engaged, or living together you get invited together.  If you are not living together but have been dating longer than my fiance and me (2 years) you each get a single invitation.  If you are dating, not living together, and haven't been dating longer than us but we have a relationship with both people in the couple they both get a single invitation.  Those were our rules and we are applying them evenly across the guest list.  It costs between $50 - $100 per person to attend our wedding so if I wouldn't normally take you out for an expensive meal why would I invite you to my wedding?  Why is that a good way to make a guest list but not determine a +1?
  • Lolo8383 said:
    image
    That's very fitting. This whole thread is giving me a headache. I don't have any beer for this!
  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    TakerFan1 said:
    I love how this has become 11 pages of people just repeating the same thing over and over and over again.  Other than spouting your opinions and telling everyone to use common sense and being rude to those that have differing opinions from yours or try to provide sources why don't some of you etiquette queens back up your opinions with valid sources.  Where is this rule book you all seem to be quoting from?  Instead of sitting on your high horses judging everyone else that doesn't agree with you why don't you back up what you are saying with a creditable source.  Opinions don't matter because everyone has one and they are all different.  So instead of being caddy like we are all back in high school let's act like that adults that we are and show some respect for each other.  So please if there are credible sources to back up what you are saying then by all means show me.
    I'm gonna come at this from a scientific perspective.

    How do we define a truly objective "correct" source? If I write an etiquette book, and it's published, and people buy it, does that mean that my etiquette is correct? If you, OP, wrote an etiquette book, and it's published, and people buy it, does that mean your etiquette is correct? What if both books are published and contain conflicting information?

    The thing is, no one here can prove, mathematically/scientifically/what-have-you that inviting people and refusing to invite their significant others is rude. However, we can speak from experience, and give you our opinions, which, we assume is why you came here asking in the first place.

    You wanted to know how you could go about explaining to your aunts and uncles (and I assume other guests as well) that they weren't allowed to bring their significant others, while also convincing them to still attend. We explained that, well, you probably can't influence their attendance very much; they'll either come anyways or think you're being rude and not attend. If they do attend, even if they say, "Oh, it's okay!" they'll likely be unhappy. How do we know this? Because many of us would be unhappy. Many of us would tell you, "Oh, it's okay," and pretend we weren't upset.

    Finally, this is an etiquette board. We discuss how to host your guests well. "It's my special day, so I can treat my guests however I want to treat them, and because they love us, they'll just be happy that we're getting married" is not hosting your guests well.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
  • TakerFan1 said:
    I love how this has become 11 pages of people just repeating the same thing over and over and over again.  Other than spouting your opinions and telling everyone to use common sense and being rude to those that have differing opinions from yours or try to provide sources why don't some of you etiquette queens back up your opinions with valid sources.  Where is this rule book you all seem to be quoting from?  Instead of sitting on your high horses judging everyone else that doesn't agree with you why don't you back up what you are saying with a creditable source.  Opinions don't matter because everyone has one and they are all different.  So instead of being caddy like we are all back in high school let's act like that adults that we are and show some respect for each other.  So please if there are credible sources to back up what you are saying then by all means show me.
    I'm very genuinely asking why a source is needed to explain why it isn't okay to invite your best friend to your wedding - but not her BF because they plan not to get married? Or to invite your mom -but not her boyfriend because they don't live together. Your boss - but not his GF because you've never met her? Why is a source needed to confirm that is rude?
  • TakerFan1 said:
    I love how this has become 11 pages of people just repeating the same thing over and over and over again.  Other than spouting your opinions and telling everyone to use common sense and being rude to those that have differing opinions from yours or try to provide sources why don't some of you etiquette queens back up your opinions with valid sources.  Where is this rule book you all seem to be quoting from?  Instead of sitting on your high horses judging everyone else that doesn't agree with you why don't you back up what you are saying with a creditable source.  Opinions don't matter because everyone has one and they are all different.  So instead of being caddy like we are all back in high school let's act like that adults that we are and show some respect for each other.  So please if there are credible sources to back up what you are saying then by all means show me.
    Didn't someone already quote Miss Manner's on this issue?  If not, where is that quote. . . I can't find it in my bookmarks atm.

    Beyond Miss Manners, the credible source is honestly common freaking sense and common freaking courtesy.  I don't understand why that is such a hard concept for so many people all over these boards to grasp.

    When people are in a relationship with someone, they should be invited to important social functions, like weddings, with that other person.  Failure to do so, no matter the reasons, justifications, and validations, is just totally rude.

    TakerFan, how would you feel if one of your FI's relatives was getting married after you and your FI, and decided not to invite you because they didn't like you or didn't really know you?


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • TakerFan1 said:
    For me it isn't about judging how serious a relationship is.  It is about drawing a line and applying it evenly.  If you are married, engaged, or living together you get invited together.  If you are not living together but have been dating longer than my fiance and me (2 years) you each get a single invitation.  If you are dating, not living together, and haven't been dating longer than us but we have a relationship with both people in the couple they both get a single invitation.  Those were our rules and we are applying them evenly across the guest list.  It costs between $50 - $100 per person to attend our wedding so if I wouldn't normally take you out for an expensive meal why would I invite you to my wedding?  Why is that a good way to make a guest list but not determine a +1?
    How do you not understand that ALL of  this is judging people's relationships.  You are determining based on how long you and your FI have been together whether that's long enough to deserve an invitation.  You are JUDGING. 

     

  • TakerFan1 said:
    For me it isn't about judging how serious a relationship is.  It is about drawing a line and applying it evenly.  If you are married, engaged, or living together you get invited together.  If you are not living together but have been dating longer than my fiance and me (2 years) you each get a single invitation.  If you are dating, not living together, and haven't been dating longer than us but we have a relationship with both people in the couple they both get a single invitation.  Those were our rules and we are applying them evenly across the guest list.  It costs between $50 - $100 per person to attend our wedding so if I wouldn't normally take you out for an expensive meal why would I invite you to my wedding?  Why is that a good way to make a guest list but not determine a +1?
    Because that other person is in a relationship with a person you are inviting to your wedding!  That's why you should invite them to your wedding!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • TakerFan1 said:
    For me it isn't about judging how serious a relationship is.  It is about drawing a line and applying it evenly.  If you are married, engaged, or living together you get invited together.  If you are not living together but have been dating longer than my fiance and me (2 years) you each get a single invitation.  If you are dating, not living together, and haven't been dating longer than us but we have a relationship with both people in the couple they both get a single invitation.  Those were our rules and we are applying them evenly across the guest list.  It costs between $50 - $100 per person to attend our wedding so if I wouldn't normally take you out for an expensive meal why would I invite you to my wedding?  Why is that a good way to make a guest list but not determine a +1?
    Gah, I'm paying more than that per person, am still inviting every SO no matter how long they are dating, and my entire cost is less than 10k, which includes my dress and FI Tux, full open bar, the cake, and a plated meal. I don't want to hear how much you are paying per person as your excuse for your rudeness.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards