Handicapped Aunt not invited to rehersal dinner, would have to stay in hotel room alone during it

Needanswersnow · April 2014

Yes - I have asked and most of the time, including this situation, have one answer to everything which is "that's our decision and you have to respect it".

phira · April 2014

Well, it is their decision and you have to respect it.

The woman I considered my second mother while I was growing up isn't even invited to our wedding.

And honestly, you don't get to decide whether the people invited to the rehearsal dinner are "close enough" to the couple. That's their call.

zitiqueen · April 2014

Needanswersnow said:

Yes - I have asked and most of the time, including this situation, have one answer to everything which is "that's our decision and you have to respect it".

Good for them. The two of them. Together. Making this joint decision.

gmcr78 · April 2014

It sounds to me like the "friends who aren't close" are the dates of the wedding party members, am I right? Or am I reading that wrong?
Ultimately, it doesn't matter. If they are hosting the RD, then they get to invite who they want. It's not your call, and it really doesn't matter if you like the decision or not. They've made their decision, and you need to let it go.

ScoutF · April 2014

@needanswersnow You are not contributing to the wedding or the rehearsal. You don't get a say in who they invite. You may not like what they are doing, but like you mentioned earlier, it's their decision and you need to respect it.

Move on.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

I understand that you are ashamed/embarrassed/annoyed by actions your son is taking. I get that from what you're posting.

But you know what? You raised him. And he's a grown-up now. So his actions will bring consequences to him, not to you.

If you're upset/embarrassed by his actions, then I'm sorry, because it doesn't seem like he shares your views or cares that you're going to be upset.

I'll give you an example. At my brother's wedding, he and my SIL did a lot of 'but it's our day and it's our wedding' talking -- and all of the stuff they said that about was their justification for really, really, REALLY poor etiquette. (Love them both dearly, they're just horribly thoughtless sometimes).

My mother tried every Greek-Catholic mother guilt trip in the book. None of them worked. My brother and SIL did things their way, and got (rightly) side-eyed for it.

It did not reflect on my mother. Many of her friends said to her, privately, 'We know you raised him better than this, he's just being dumb.'

When I got married, not one etiquette faux pas was made, in part because I had heeded my mother's advice, and in part because I spent a lot of time on these boards. Her friends said to her, 'Oh, HisGirl's wedding was so lovely, clearly you raised her well.'

People may judge, but they're more than likely going to judge your son and FDIL for the behaviour, not you.

Needanswersnow · April 2014

Thanks again for all your replies - Yes, I'm moving on - just thought I'd get some input.

Pandemonia · April 2014

What would I do? Well I'd probably invite the Aunt. Not because she has disabilities but out of politeness. But then this isn't about me or the dynamics of my family.

Only I get the distinct impression that there's a whole hidden agenda playing out here. It appears to involve control, resentment and a not a few mind games. None of which, naturally, we are a party to.

So, OP, I have to conclude that you need to respect the decision that has been made. It's never great to invite a previously uninvited guest to someone else's event and I'm afraid that if an invitation isn't extended then the best thing you can do is accept the situation with a good grace.

Just make sure the Aunt is comfortable and arrangements for her to eat are in place. Then go to the RD and while at the dinner, don't be tempted to revisit the rights and wrongs of it being an Aunt-free zone.

climbingsingle · April 2014

gmcr78 said:

It sounds to me like the "friends who aren't close" are the dates of the wedding party members, am I right? Or am I reading that wrong?
Ultimately, it doesn't matter. If they are hosting the RD, then they get to invite who they want. It's not your call, and it really doesn't matter if you like the decision or not. They've made their decision, and you need to let it go.

That's how I'm reading it too. If that's the case, they're supposed to invite the SOs of their bridal party members. I see nothing wrong with your son and FDIL not inviting this aunt. You're not hosting the event, so you need to respect their decision.

And if I was your FDIL, I'd be irritated at you requesting that this aunt be invited.

Simply Fated · April 2014

On a sidenote, if I were the aunt and found out you were repeatedly requesting for me to be invited and continuously getting shot down, I'd be mortified. So, out of curiosity, how does the Aunt feel about this?

huskypuppy14 · April 2014

You do realize the dates of the wedding party need to be invited the rehearsal dinner also? That is common courtesy. I would probably invite the aunt too, but they are not, and it's not rude not to.

Needanswersnow · April 2014

Thanks again for all your input. And I realize that the dates of the WP should be invited, but it is the friends from our of town not in or related to the WP that seemed to be a bad decision in my opinion.

I do agree let them do what they want, it does just hurt when some of these issues do come up.

Needanswersnow · April 2014

Thanks so much, this was a very helpful reply - I appreciate your input.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

Needanswersnow said:

Thanks again for all your input. And I realize that the dates of the WP should be invited, but it is the friends from our of town not in or related to the WP that seemed to be a bad decision in my opinion.

I do agree let them do what they want, it does just hurt when some of these issues do come up.

Needanswersnow said:

Thanks so much, this was a very helpful reply - I appreciate your input.

It should not hurt. It isn't meant as offensive. And if the friends are willing to come from out of town, I would really say you are underestimating their closeness. I was close with my family when I was young, but I would rather host the friends I chose at our RD, especially ones really to come in from out of town.

yellowdaisies84 · April 2014

I could understand you feeling uncomfortable with her not being included when you feel like it's wrong to not have her come. I think that you did the right thing to bring it up to them and let them know your concerns and your advice, but it is up to them and since they told you that they didn't want to make an exception I think the best thing to do is to tell them that you hoped that you could convince them to invite her but at the same time it is their choice and if they're sure that's what is best for them you support them 100% and you'll let it go. Don't stress them out with this or harp on them for it. Also, try not to feel guilty- this was their choice, not yours. Enjoy the RD and don't focus on this. It sounds to me like they think that they can't invite her and not invite all the other Aunts and it just gets too big. I know you argued that there are exceptions to every rule, but obviously they didn't feel the same way. You'll have to respect their decision. I think I've been in a similar position so I know how you feel but you know you can't control everything, and who knows maybe they are right. At least it's right for them. I'm sure you can think of something kind to do for her to make sure she is happy and taken care of and feels loved by you without having to turn this into a dramatic situation. I give you props for being honest with them about your concerns but they are in charge and once they got back to you with a 'no' it's time for you to step back. Good luck.

lc07 · April 2014

I know we're kind of beating a dead horse at this point but I wanted to add that if Aunt was staying at your home and you were going to leave her there unhosted to attend the RD I would feel very badly about doing that. Since she is staying in a hotel, I don't think it's a big deal for her to spend some time on her own, or like some PP mentioned perhaps with other family.

But seriously. Room service. I wish I could order it in my own house.

lookame3639 · April 2014

Needanswersnow said:
To clarify, my son himself has always said over the years and recently also that he feels that his Aunt has been like a second mother to him. Both of them have also told me personally that some people are invited to the RD that they are not close too but they are a friend or a friend of a member of the WP and coming from out of town. I realize it is a little difficult to explain the entire dynamics of our situation on a message board and I agree that there are family dynamics playing out but I do appreciate all the input.

Thanks

If these people are significant others/dates of the wedding party then (correct me if I'm wrong) then they get invited to the RD...

Needanswersnow · April 2014

Thanks for your helpful reply - I appreciate it.

emmaaa · April 2014

I still don't understand why this aunt's diability has anything to do with her being an exception to the invite (also coming from someone who works with people with disabilies).

You should also try not to call her the "handicapped aunt'. By phrasing it in that manner you are using her disability to define her instead of the fact that she is first a person, an aunt. Instead she is an aunt (a person) who happens to have a disability.

abbyj700 · April 2014

I will echo the PP's - not your wedding, not your RD, not at all hosted by you - not your decision.

You say you offered to pay for some of the RD and they declined? This was how they let you know they'd be making their own decisions. You need to respect that.

Handicapped Aunt not invited to rehersal dinner, would have to stay in hotel room alone during it

Re: Handicapped Aunt not invited to rehersal dinner, would have to stay in hotel room alone during it

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