Here's my beef...etiquette on a dinner issue...

LadyBelle11 · April 2014

Hello, all! I need some major help on an etiquette issue that I am arguing with my parents about. We went for our tasting and decided on the more expensive package, which includes filet mignon. My parents, who are paying for the reception part of the wedding, decided that this would be the best option because with all the upgrades my mom wants (she insists on the nicer table linens, a couple of upgraded appetizers, etc), it just made more sense to go with the package that included them anyways with a couple other perks. We printed the invitations with the menu choices, and I thought that this area was all taken care of. Now, my parents have decided that with the number of people it looks like we will have that they are thinking of going back to the cheaper package. The problem with this is that the cheaper package does not include filet mignon, but rather a bistro steak. Both are delicious, so I really do not care, and if they didn't tell us which cut of meat was which at the tasting, I probably wouldn't have noticed too much of a difference. The bistro steak was super tender and in some ways even a little more flavorful than the filet. The problem comes up because of the now printed invitations. I told my parents that if we are changing the menu from including filet to bistro steak, then we need to include a slip that says so in with the invitation. My parents disagree; they say no one will notice and not to worry about it. We may very well end up going with the package with the filet---at this point, it is entirely dependent on the number of "yes" responses for attending; however, I feel very uncomfortable with what I feel is "hoodwinking" people on the dinners. I feel like if we included the slip saying we changed it to bistro steak, but then ended up having filet, then no one would care. On the other hand, I think that if we said there was going to be filet and then passed it off with bistro steak, then someone might care. I just don't want to come across as tacky. Am I making too much out of this? Are my parents correct in thinking no one will care? Thanks for any insight you ladies have.

banana468 · April 2014

Those that know their meat will notice and some may care. I'm not a big fan of lying to guests so is there a way you can reprint response cards if they change their minds?

hlvonb · April 2014

LadyBelle11 said:

Hello, all! I need some major help on an etiquette issue that I am arguing with my parents about. We went for our tasting and decided on the more expensive package, which includes filet mignon. My parents, who are paying for the reception part of the wedding, decided that this would be the best option because with all the upgrades my mom wants (she insists on the nicer table linens, a couple of upgraded appetizers, etc), it just made more sense to go with the package that included them anyways with a couple other perks. We printed the invitations with the menu choices, and I thought that this area was all taken care of. Now, my parents have decided that with the number of people it looks like we will have that they are thinking of going back to the cheaper package. The problem with this is that the cheaper package does not include filet mignon, but rather a bistro steak. Both are delicious, so I really do not care, and if they didn't tell us which cut of meat was which at the tasting, I probably wouldn't have noticed too much of a difference. The bistro steak was super tender and in some ways even a little more flavorful than the filet. The problem comes up because of the now printed invitations. I told my parents that if we are changing the menu from including filet to bistro steak, then we need to include a slip that says so in with the invitation. My parents disagree; they say no one will notice and not to worry about it. We may very well end up going with the package with the filet---at this point, it is entirely dependent on the number of "yes" responses for attending; however, I feel very uncomfortable with what I feel is "hoodwinking" people on the dinners. I feel like if we included the slip saying we changed it to bistro steak, but then ended up having filet, then no one would care. On the other hand, I think that if we said there was going to be filet and then passed it off with bistro steak, then someone might care. I just don't want to come across as tacky. Am I making too much out of this? Are my parents correct in thinking no one will care? Thanks for any insight you ladies have.

@LadyBelle11

I think you need to decide (before you get rsvps) which package you're going with and stick to it. Then if is the cheaper package then include the slip but before sending out the invites have a serious sit down with your parents and tell them it's not right to decide which package based on number of yes's you get and that they have to decide now which package it is.

mysticl · April 2014

Some people are going to notice the difference. Some may not care, some may be annoyed at you for lying, some may think the venue pulled a bait and switch on you and bad mouth them to others. You parents should pick the package they can afford if 100% of the people invited say "yes".

LadyBelle11 · April 2014

Thanks, ladies. The sit-down discussion is what I tried to have before I left this week (we are planning a wedding from across the country). I would just rather go with the cheaper package and send out the slips, but my parents are not keen on the slips. Also, what happens if you don't meet the food and beverage minimum for a venue? If we do the lower package and have the number of people we estimate are coming, then we will be waaaaay under the minimum (which is why we were going with the higher package---we would just be making the minimum that way).

KGold80 · April 2014

LadyBelle11 said:
Thanks, ladies. The sit-down discussion is what I tried to have before I left this week (we are planning a wedding from across the country). I would just rather go with the cheaper package and send out the slips, but my parents are not keen on the slips. Also, what happens if you don't meet the food and beverage minimum for a venue? If we do the lower package and have the number of people we estimate are coming, then we will be waaaaay under the minimum (which is why we were going with the higher package---we would just be making the minimum that way).

If the bistro steak option was listed and I got a filet I would be pleasantly surprised. However, if I thought I was getting a filet and got something else I wouldn't be happy at all. I would reprint the RSVP cards instead of sending an additional slip of paper if your parents need to go with the cheaper option.

Can you upgrade in other areas in order to meet the food and beverage minimum? Better apps maybe? Information pertaining to the food and beverage minimum and consequences of not meeting it should be specified in your contract. I'm sure it varies from venue to venue.

JoanE2012 · April 2014

LadyBelle11 said:

Thanks, ladies. The sit-down discussion is what I tried to have before I left this week (we are planning a wedding from across the country). I would just rather go with the cheaper package and send out the slips, but my parents are not keen on the slips. Also, what happens if you don't meet the food and beverage minimum for a venue? If we do the lower package and have the number of people we estimate are coming, then we will be waaaaay under the minimum (which is why we were going with the higher package---we would just be making the minimum that way).

Don't send out slips. Just have the RSVP cards reprinted....it shouldn't be terribly expensive.....you don't need your whole invitation set done again.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

I would have the RSVP cards reprinted, but just have 'steak' instead of 'filet' or 'bistro.' That way, if you end up re-upgrading, you're still OK.

I would be unlikely to, notice the difference betwixt the two, but I also don't eat a lot of red meat

SP29 · April 2014

Why do you have the fillet mignon vs. bistro steak on the RSVP? Are guests choosing between meal options, ie. chicken or beef?

In that case I would re-print your RSVP cards and under the section where the choose a meal choice leave the options more simple such as:

__ chicken

__ beef

__ vegetarian

I think if you tell someone they are getting something specific and then they don't get that (whether it's the cheap or expensive option), it would put some people off. But I also don't think guests need to expect a specific meal (bistro steak would be more than fine!), so I think putting either "steak" or just "beef" would be acceptable. I think that is generally what people are more particular about, they either like red meat or they don't (or prefer chicken), or don't eat meat at all. In which case, I think it would be fine to change your meal options at a later date (it has been recommended that upgrading the meal option is a way to meet the minimum for a venue if you have many declines so you are not paying for plates that will not get eaten).

This is what we did because we printed our invitations (there was a sale) before we did our menu choices (and because our wedding was OOT for us, we chose our meal options later than the usual meal tasting date). But we knew we had the option of a chicken dish, a beef dish and a vegetarian dish, so that is the options we gave on the RSVP.

JCbride2015 · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I would have the RSVP cards reprinted, but just have 'steak' instead of 'filet' or 'bistro.' That way, if you end up re-upgrading, you're still OK. I would be unlikely to, notice the difference betwixt the two, but I also don't eat a lot of red meat

This. That way you still have the option.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

JCBride2014 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I would have the RSVP cards reprinted, but just have 'steak' instead of 'filet' or 'bistro.' That way, if you end up re-upgrading, you're still OK. I would be unlikely to, notice the difference betwixt the two, but I also don't eat a lot of red meat

This. That way you still have the option.

Agreed! And for the record, I would notice the switch in steak. My family is very picky about our steak. We wouldn't be angry, but there might be talk.

AddieCake · April 2014

I agree reprint cards and have them say steak.

kgd7357 · April 2014

I'm with the generic steak or beef option. I'd notice the switch, and I wouldn't be annoyed, but I'd be curious why it was different than the card. I wouldn't think twice about what kind of "steak" I got if I just checked steak.

phira · April 2014

I'd also reprint the cards with "steak" or "beef."

The biggest problem here is that your parents need to pick a package and stick with it, instead of switching back and forth. I'd even point out to them that your venue might not actually LET you switch back and forth. Ours certainly wouldn't; we can add things later, but we can't downgrade from the package we chose when we signed the contract.

As for how to meet your food and beverage minimum, the way it works is that you have to pay the venue a certain amount of money for foor and beverages, but you DON'T have to meet that amount by inviting enough people. You can add or upgrade appetizers, you can up your bar package, you can add late night snacks, etc. The idea is that you have to pay that amount anyway; it's not down the drain if you don't have enough people or if, as may be the case in your situation, you switch to a cheaper entree choice.

Simply Fated · April 2014

If I was told there would be filet and was given bistro, I wouldn't think you had lied, I would have thought the venue hoodwinked you or that there was a mistake somewhere. Either way, it would look bad for the venue, ya know?

I agree with using generic terms, but is there a way for the guests to get more details? The type of beef, chicken or fish and the way they're prepared would absolutely and without a doubt change my mind. Because if the venue is looking for a general idea, then it would be no big deal if I changed my mind the day of. BUT if they were looking for a specific number, then I would need more detail.

LadyBelle11 · April 2014

This was exactly what I needed to hear. I felt incredibly uncomfortable about it, and my parents were making me feel like it was stupid for me to be so upset about it. I sort of had a feeling this would happen and I originally wanted to print it just as steak, but my mom and the venue lady put down the specific wording of each entree (filet mignon with demi glace, chicken marsala, ginger soy salmon, vegetable napoleon). I think you're right about reprinting them. How much do you think it will cost if our whole set was originally 320?

huskypuppy14 · April 2014

LadyBelle11 said:

This was exactly what I needed to hear. I felt incredibly uncomfortable about it, and my parents were making me feel like it was stupid for me to be so upset about it. I sort of had a feeling this would happen and I originally wanted to print it just as steak, but my mom and the venue lady put down the specific wording of each entree (filet mignon with demi glace, chicken marsala, ginger soy salmon, vegetable napoleon). I think you're right about reprinting them. How much do you think it will cost if our whole set was originally 320?

No one can answer that but the company who did your invitations. Wasn't there a breakdown when you ordered them? I know for mine, it was around that price, and the RSVP cards with envelopes were about 60 dollars for 100.

I also agree that you should change the RSVP cards. Of your options I would probably pick the ginger soy salmon (yum!), but I think a lot of people are particular on the preparation. For example, there are so many ways to prepare chicken, that I would probably never pick generic chicken on an RSVP card. Are the bistro steak and filet mignon prepared the same? Because you could say "beef with demi glace" if they are the same. If the bistro steak is coming with a completely different sauce, than you definitely can't switch them.

LadyBelle11 · April 2014

The steaks have the same preparation; they are just a different cut of beef. I agree with you all. I don't know what we are going to do. My parents and I actually just had a massive fight about it, during which they said we were not getting the response cards reprinted (I paid for them, I don't know what they're getting upset about), that if "our friends would that much about the cut of meat would think poorly of us, then they can just have filet" (note: it's a dig to how my parents have labeled our friends in California/my fiance's family as "haughty"), and that I am being an unappreciative spoiled brat for making such a big deal of this. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. I really could care less about what cut of meat we serve---I am happy that my parents are helping us out with the wedding at all. I just don't want to seem shady about this. :-(

KittyKaty20 · April 2014

OP-do you have a wedding website?

We just put:

chicken

vegetarian

child's meal

On the RSVPs, and word of mouth was to look at the website to see the final options (chicken marsala, eggplant parmisagna, mac 'n' cheese and chicken fingers). We also had a note on the website to let us know of any food allergies/dietary restrictions.

Maybe this is an option?

LadyBelle11 · April 2014

@KittyKat20: that might be a good idea. At this point, I am just overwhelmed and in tears.

KittyKaty20 · April 2014

LadyBelle11 said:

@KittyKat20: that might be a good idea. At this point, I am just overwhelmed and in tears.

Thanks!

Don't cry!

Pull up this thread, show your parents that these posters represent the guests you all are hosting; many people would feel "hoodwinked" by a switch-and while YOUR guests may not voice their displeasure to your face, they will remember that hey felt deceived.

I'm sure the venue caterer encouraged the use of specific wording in an attempt to guarantee your higher package. Since you may not meet the minimum if you go with a less expensive cut of meat, AND you have already printed the RSVP cards, it may make more sense--budget-wise--to keep what you have and hope for declines.

Here's my beef...etiquette on a dinner issue...

Re: Here's my beef...etiquette on a dinner issue...

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