Wedding Etiquette Forum

Wedding after FMIL's birthday

Just when I thought that we had finally settled on a venue and a date, FI has informed me that he doesn't feel right about having the wedding on the day after his mother's birthday. He originally told me to call the venue and hold whatever date was available in our ideal date range, and said any Saturday in early May or late April was fine because none of his family's birthdays fell on a Saturday. Now that I've put a tentative hold on a date he doesn't want to do it on that date.

So now I'm stressing out about how to plan around all of our VIPs who have April or May birthdays. Birthdays aren't a big deal in my family so I don't really have any frame of reference for this. Is this something that should always be planned around, like is it inconsiderate to have the wedding on the day before or after someone's birthday?
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Re: Wedding after FMIL's birthday

  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    It's not inconsiderate at all. Hell, the date we picked is my ex-sister-in-law's birthday (at the time we picked the date, she wasn't yet my ex-sister-in-law). It's 4 days after my future in-law's wedding anniversary, 3 days after one of my friend's birthdays, the day before my partner's grandparents' wedding anniversary, two days before another friend's birthday, three days before ANOTHER friend's birthday, and 4 days before my grandfather's birthday.
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  • One of my BMs has a birthday the day before our wedding. She is excited because it means she'll be in town to see her parents on her birthday.
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  • Why don't you ask FMIL how she feels about having the wedding the day after her birthday? My guess is that she won't care or will be happy about it!
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  • Who cares...is not her damn sweet 16 or something!
  • Shouldn't be a problem. You need to talk to FI.

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  • I don't think this matters.

    My grandmother is turning 75 the day before our wedding.  Our RD is actually the day before that, so I'm excited we will be able to take her out and celebrate with the family.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • It shouldn't matter. He can talk to his mom about it, but I doubt she'll be upset. She isn't a teenager. She might even think it's nice that they're so close together.

    I think having a birthday cake at the RD is a great idea.
  • My brother was married the day before my mom's birthday.  It was no big deal.
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  • So the date you put on hold is the day after your FMILs birthday?  Just like you get one day for your wedding, she only gets one day for her birthday.  I think your FI needs to get over it because it is not inconsiderate at all to have your wedding the day AFTER his Mom's birthday.

    If you are having a RD you could talk to your FI about getting his Mom a cake and everyone singing Happy Birthday to her. That may ease his uneasiness about having the wedding the next day.

    This is a great idea.

    I honestly don't see why this would be an issue at all.

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  • My best friend/bridesmaid's birthday is two days after my wedding.  She doesn't care at all.  I think your FI is over thinking this.
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  • We have at least 3 guests who will be celebrating birthdays the weekend of our wedding. So far, all of them have said they are so excited to share that weekend with us - and that we're throwing them such a wonderful party! lol
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  • We have at least 3 guests who will be celebrating birthdays the weekend of our wedding. So far, all of them have said they are so excited to share that weekend with us - and that we're throwing them such a wonderful party! lol
    @Cookie Pusher  That is what my parents said because we are getting married on their 30th anniversary. 

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  • This should be a non-issue.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    I personally do not see an issue with getting married a day after a parent.  However, if your FI does then I would take than inconsideration.    

    Let me clarify.   I'm saying if HE has the issue, not him having an issue via the mom as having the issue. She might not care, but he still might.     His wedding also, so he has say in the date.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Our wedding will be on my brother's birthday. I checked with him before firmly booking, but I really don't see why it would be an issue. Have him check with his mom and see if she even minds.
  • It's not rude to have your wedding on, let alone the day after (or before) someone else's birthday.
  • We got engaged the day before my mom's birthday, she called it her early birthday present!
  • We're getting married on my nephew's birthday. He's extremely excited because it means he gets to have two kinds of cake that day.
  • I never understand this way of thinking. I have always enjoyed celebrating my birthday as well as others, but if it were to get in the way of another important date I would have no problem switching the celebrating to another day. My FMIL's parents wedding anniversary is the day before our wedding and she was planning on taking them out to a fancy dinner, but when she realized that the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner were that night she immediately changed the plans and moved the celebration to the night after the wedding saying, "They have an anniversary every year, you only have one wedding". Also our rehearsal falls on the birthday of the girlfriend of the best man. I can't imagine trying to make sure the date of the wedding didn't interrupt someone else's anniversary/birthday, especially when a wedding is harder to move.
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  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I mean, I get it if the parents are traveling OOT for the wedding and have some tradition they normally do to celebrate or wanted to take a long weekend getaway for it or something. I, personally, don't care about my own birthday that much but I would respect FI if it was going to cause his mother to change some kind of elaborate birthday plans. 

  • We got married on my step-grandma's birthday. We had everyone sing her happy birthday during the reception. She loved it and says she can't forget our anniversary now.
  • Speshul snowflake birthday!! No. She gets one day, IF THAT. I personally get kind of annoyed at adults who take their birthday so seriously. If YOU want to plan around it, fine. But she can't insist upon it.

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  • Lolo8383 said:
    Speshul snowflake birthday!! No. She gets one day, IF THAT. I personally get kind of annoyed at adults who take their birthday so seriously. If YOU want to plan around it, fine. But she can't insist upon it.
    Ah, her FI said he wasn't comfortable.   I haven't seen where FMIL is having a problem with the date.

    I know it's easy to jump on the FMIL hate train, but sometimes it can be premature.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Thanks everyone. I talked about it to FI and said I didn't see why his mom would have an objection to it. He explained that he just doesn't want us to have to plan our future anniversary celebrations around his mom's birthday, because his family is local and they get together for everyone's birthday. That makes sense to me and I respect his wishes, but I'm still a little bummed about having to change the date that I had gotten so excited about.
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  • Thanks everyone. I talked about it to FI and said I didn't see why his mom would have an objection to it. He explained that he just doesn't want us to have to plan our future anniversary celebrations around his mom's birthday, because his family is local and they get together for everyone's birthday. That makes sense to me and I respect his wishes, but I'm still a little bummed about having to change the date that I had gotten so excited about.
    Sorry but if I were planning a vacation for my anniversary or just because and it happened that the best time for that vacation fell over his Mother's birthday, I would be skipping the birthday. I get wanting to get together for it but seriously, every year you have to get together for his Mom's birthday? You can never miss it?

    I guess since I am not big into birthdays (and anniversaries for that matter) and don't get the whole huge get together's or parties or what not every year that I really don't see the need to change your date.  It isn't like you are going to go on big elaborate trips every anniversary (more power to you if you are planning that) so it isn't like you will be away for his Mom's birthday every single year.

  • lyndausvi said:
    Lolo8383 said:
    Speshul snowflake birthday!! No. She gets one day, IF THAT. I personally get kind of annoyed at adults who take their birthday so seriously. If YOU want to plan around it, fine. But she can't insist upon it.
    Ah, her FI said he wasn't comfortable.   I haven't seen where FMIL is having a problem with the date.

    I know it's easy to jump on the FMIL hate train, but sometimes it can be premature.
    You're right... I incorrectly read into it that the discomfort was coming through him but initiated with her.


    Thanks everyone. I talked about it to FI and said I didn't see why his mom would have an objection to it. He explained that he just doesn't want us to have to plan our future anniversary celebrations around his mom's birthday, because his family is local and they get together for everyone's birthday. That makes sense to me and I respect his wishes, but I'm still a little bummed about having to change the date that I had gotten so excited about.
    Gotta say I still wouldn't change it... like Maggie said, I would totally skip a birthday in favor of my own anniversary celebration. I guess I'm used to things not being on "the" day though... because of my family's work schedules, we sometimes celebrate Christmas 2 weeks late! We normally do one big birthday celebration for all the birthdays that fall in a cluster (like all our many April birthdays get celebrated on Easter). We haven't celebrated each individual birthday on each individual day since we were children, and I don't know many adults who do.

    I would sit down with FI and FMIL and ask "does this wedding date work for you?" (like you should with all your VIPs)... she may not actually have any objections.

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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    So, I come from a big family where we're mostly local, but we're all really busy. Same with my partner. What we typically do is just reschedule birthday celebrations. So we've celebrated early February birthdays in late February. This past year, we skipped my birthday in my family (because my grandmother's 80th birthday was the day before) and did it two weeks later in my partner's family (because no one was around the next weekend).

    Sounds like your fiance does not want to rock the boat at all with his family. The thing is, though, that a lot of people understand that things change when their children get married. My partner was previously terrified that he was going to break his parents' hearts by missing Thanksgiving. His parents, meanwhile, were confused about why he didn't want to spend Thanksgiving with my family.
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  • Thanks everyone. I talked about it to FI and said I didn't see why his mom would have an objection to it. He explained that he just doesn't want us to have to plan our future anniversary celebrations around his mom's birthday, because his family is local and they get together for everyone's birthday. That makes sense to me and I respect his wishes, but I'm still a little bummed about having to change the date that I had gotten so excited about.
    First of all, how did it just occur to him that this date would be the day after his mother's birthday?

    Also, I'm with everyone else who says that you celebrate people's birthdays when you can, not necessarily on their actual birthday. So is your FI saying that, for the rest of your lives, as long as his mother's alive, you HAVE to do something with her on her birthday? 

    Unless it's a kid's first birthday or something, I fail to see how birthday parties have to be on the day of the actual birth. Maybe that's just me.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I'm getting married on my cousin's birthday, a few days after my FFIL's birthday, a week or so after FI's aunt's birthday, and 2 days after Jesus' birthday (Christmas). I don't see the harm.

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