Helping to host a Jack&Jill - How do I handle the etiquette issues when I am not the one in charge?

KickAssMOH · April 2014

I am in the WP for a very dear friend whom I love and support and think the world of yadda yadda. She hails from a far away land (western Mass) where, for some, it is tradition for the WP to help the B & G host a Jack & Jill party. I learned that this party is to be advertised in the local newspaper and the WP is to sell entry tickets to our own friends/family/coworkers/people we meet on the street. We are to provide gift baskets to be raffled off to whomever pays to get in to the party and then pays for a raffle ticket. All funds earned go back to the B&G. I'm not thrilled about being a co-host, but I'm going to bite my tongue and make my beautiful raffle baskets and attend with a smile on my face. I am most uncomfortable with the task of selling tickets for entry or advertising it on my facebook page like I have been asked to do. It's rude, embarassing, and very unlike me as I don't typically solicit anything on Facebook. I don't want to sell tickets in general - I don't even know anyone in that area who would be interested in attending, other than some of the bride's college friends who are not invited to the wedding. I'm going to sell zero tickets and will be the only person in the WP who looks unsupportive and the least helpful. The entire WP is on board, as half of them had the same party themselves. What do i do? Either way, I look like an ass-clown to someone.

Jen4948 · April 2014

I don't think anyone would be able to convince her not to do this Jack and Jill, or without the ticket sales, so I wouldn't try. Just decline to participate.

ScoutF · April 2014

Personally, I'd back out from any and all hosting duties for the event.

LondonLisa · April 2014

I had never heard of this until I came here. I think you are in a difficult situation, but I would just say you can't host. You don't need to tell them why, and no one can force you to be a cohost. But if you aren't from the area they cannot force you to attend. It is your choice if you send a raffle prize, but just say you can't make it.

lalalorelai · April 2014

I would tell the bride how uncomfortable you are with being involved, and tell her exactly why. Hopefully, if she's such a dear friend, she'll understand!

Just reading about stag & does make me seriously uncomfortable. I can't imagine having to ask friends and family to buy tickets to one of those things. I had to sell raffle tickets as a fundraiser in high school (woo Catholic school), and that was hard enough for me. But trust, I worked hard for those out of uniform days!

Peaseblossom55 · April 2014

I would get sick that day or happen to find out about some big family plans and be unable to attend. I'm uncomfortable with selling and soliciting stuff too.

QueerFemme · April 2014

KickAssMOH said:

I am in the WP for a very dear friend whom I love and support and think the world of yadda yadda. She hails from a far away land (western Mass) where, for some, it is tradition for the WP to help the B & G host a Jack & Jill party. I learned that this party is to be advertised in the local newspaper and the WP is to sell entry tickets to our own friends/family/coworkers/people we meet on the street. We are to provide gift baskets to be raffled off to whomever pays to get in to the party and then pays for a raffle ticket. All funds earned go back to the B&G. I'm not thrilled about being a co-host, but I'm going to bite my tongue and make my beautiful raffle baskets and attend with a smile on my face. I am most uncomfortable with the task of selling tickets for entry or advertising it on my facebook page like I have been asked to do. It's rude, embarassing, and very unlike me as I don't typically solicit anything on Facebook. I don't want to sell tickets in general - I don't even know anyone in that area who would be interested in attending, other than some of the bride's college friends who are not invited to the wedding. I'm going to sell zero tickets and will be the only person in the WP who looks unsupportive and the least helpful. The entire WP is on board, as half of them had the same party themselves. What do i do? Either way, I look like an ass-clown to someone.

I would just say that you aren't comfortable with the plan and back out.

ifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderful · April 2014

I also had never heard of these events until reading about it on the boards. If I was in your situation I think I would donate my basket and be busy on the day of the actual event. As far as selling tickets, I wouldn't promote them and I would just tell the bride I tried but this is not normal for my social circle and no one was interested in attending a fundraising event for a wedding of someone they don't know.

grumbledore · April 2014

KickAssMOH said:

I am in the WP for a very dear friend whom I love and support and think the world of yadda yadda. She hails from a far away land (western Mass) where, for some, it is tradition for the WP to help the B & G host a Jack & Jill party. I learned that this party is to be advertised in the local newspaper and the WP is to sell entry tickets to our own friends/family/coworkers/people we meet on the street. We are to provide gift baskets to be raffled off to whomever pays to get in to the party and then pays for a raffle ticket. All funds earned go back to the B&G. I'm not thrilled about being a co-host, but I'm going to bite my tongue and make my beautiful raffle baskets and attend with a smile on my face. I am most uncomfortable with the task of selling tickets for entry or advertising it on my facebook page like I have been asked to do. It's rude, embarassing, and very unlike me as I don't typically solicit anything on Facebook. I don't want to sell tickets in general - I don't even know anyone in that area who would be interested in attending, other than some of the bride's college friends who are not invited to the wedding. I'm going to sell zero tickets and will be the only person in the WP who looks unsupportive and the least helpful. The entire WP is on board, as half of them had the same party themselves. What do i do? Either way, I look like an ass-clown to someone.

Truthfully, I wouldn't participate because it would make me very uncomfortable. I certainly wouldn't be selling tickets or advertising the event. Maybe you could supply something (decor, snacks, utensils?) for the party and be a sort of silent partner if you can't avoid it entirely?

phira · April 2014

I'm familiar with this foreign fairyland (Western MA), but have never heard of people doing something like this. I'd back out.

sarahufl · April 2014

I would say no. Can you tell her you have to be out of town for work or a family function? I think these parties are rude enough but to have you sell tickets is just way over the line.

You can't be expected to participate. You aren't selling tickets to benefit sick children or something, you are forcing other people to pay for her wedding. You are well within your rights to say no.

KickAssMOH · April 2014

I can't back out of this. I am actually backing out of another pre-wedding event due to the costs being far from what my budgeting expectations were. I am feeling like a shitty friend here and trying to save face without looking like a fool. I guess I just posted this wanting to whine to you all

waaaaaah.

melbelleup · April 2014

KickAssMOH said:

I can't back out of this. I am actually backing out of another pre-wedding event due to the costs being far from what my budgeting expectations were. I am feeling like a shitty friend here and trying to save face without looking like a fool. I guess I just posted this wanting to whine to you all waaaaaah.

Just say you'll help out, but not sell tickets... or say you'll try to sell tickets but not actually sell any.

Inkdancer · April 2014

You are by no means a crappy friend! I second PP who suggested doing quiet things to help out-- I would decorate, make an appetizer, or do something else behind the scenes so I wouldn't have to sell tickets. (I am hoping you are way out of town... wouldn't make sense for you to sell tickets to locals who can't get to western MA, by way of good excuses)

grumbledore · April 2014

KickAssMOH said:

I can't back out of this. I am actually backing out of another pre-wedding event due to the costs being far from what my budgeting expectations were. I am feeling like a shitty friend here and trying to save face without looking like a fool. I guess I just posted this wanting to whine to you all waaaaaah.

I understand this, I have a couple of friends who are just clueless and I've ended up in situations like this.

I would supply what you can for the party, not sell tickets, and if possible find a reason not to actually attend. Your participation in helping set up the party should keep you from being labeled an asshole but you can also keep your name/face more or less uninvolved.

No joke, one of my best friends (who will actually be a BM in my wedding this year) required the wedding party members to "chip in" $30 each to pay for the stretch limo from the ceremony to photos to reception. I was pissed, but I love her and I did it. I did however try to get her to change her mind about (gently) in advance. It just didn't work.

We actually got little reminders that we had to give the B&G the money for the limo. It was abhorrent.

delujm0 · April 2014

You can use your privacy settings to make it APPEAR you are soliciting on FB when in actuality the only people that can see the post are the people related to the wedding party...so that might save face? :-)

i can see where you're coming from...i would make a basket and assist with food prep but not sell any tickets. it sounds like you don't live in the area anyway, so it would be pretty weird for you to sell tickets to people you know since i would assume they also do not live in the same area as the party? if the bride thinks this is a good idea, there's probably no talking her out of it at this point, especially if so many of the other WP members have done the same thing and are blowing smoke up her ass about how great it is. if you can't get out of attending, just do the bare minimum and hope to blend into the background.

Simply Fated · April 2014

KickAssMOH said:

I can't back out of this. I am actually backing out of another pre-wedding event due to the costs being far from what my budgeting expectations were. I am feeling like a shitty friend here and trying to save face without looking like a fool. I guess I just posted this wanting to whine to you all waaaaaah.

I would absolutely tell them that you won't be able to sell any tickets, but you would love to help in another way. Maybe decorations or something? You don't have to give reasons as to why you won't solicit people for money.

sarahufl · April 2014

I agree, you can still attend the party. Maybe decorate. But she can't reasonably expect you to sell tickets. Can you buy some chips and salsa or something and call it a day? I get not wanting to alienate your friend and some people don't get it- but selling raffle tickets is too much.

If a friend approaches me to buy raffle tickets, I generally do - for their kid's softball team, or someone who has a child in the hospital and has bills to pay. But I would be offended if I was asked to fund someone else's wedding.

lightningsnow · April 2014

Op, I understand the bind you are in. I'm from the MA area and Jack and Jill's are so common here. I never realized how rude they were until I came here. That being said, I was the MOH for my brother's wedding when I was 19 and in college. I didn't have many people who I could sell the tickets to. I told them I would do the best I could but not to expect much.

Just let them know you will do your best but it may not be too good.

And before anyone says, when I get married, I will do my best to make sure a Jack and Jill doesn't get thrown for me. It's a slim chance but who knows.

MrsMarende · April 2014

I would offer to supply extra gift baskets or food and say that I am unable to solicit for ticket sales. Let them know you would like to be supportive of their traditions, but in your family and circle of friends this is unusual and would make them feel uncomfortable.

MrsMack10612 · April 2014

@lightningsnow - J&J are not "so common" in MA. They are common in parts of MA and even then I'm not sure how common they are. I've lived here all (or most of 32 of 40 years) my life and never heard of such a thing until 1. TK and 2. A friend who started hanging with a younger crowd (under 30) in the Dracut, Lowell, southern NH area.

KickAssMOH · April 2014

@MrsMack10612 is right... I live 90 minutes away from Western, MA and hadn't heard of this tradition until recently.

delujm0 · April 2014

i don't really understand why complete strangers buy tickets to things like this? i would never buy a ticket for the "pleasure" of buying raffle tickets and eating what i'm sure is pot-luck-style food and drinking from a keg. I don't get it?

MrsMack10612 · April 2014

@KickAssMOH - As to your dilemma which I failed to comment on, I would try to fade into the background of the "hosting" duties. Like PPs have said, make things, provide decor, utensils that sort of thing.

If you are 90 minutes away from where the event would be held, I think that's valid for not selling tickets.

Belichick · April 2014

I was raised in Central MA and they're fairly common there, though they are called 'Testimonials'. I'm sorry you are feeling like a bad friend. I would be so uncomfortable with any part of this. Like others have suggested try to help in other areas and blame distance if anyone is rude enough to question why you haven't sold tickets.

AzAnnie · April 2014

I always thought that a Jack and Jill was a shower where both men and women are invited. This whole using it as a fundraiser is a whole new thing for me.

short+sassy · April 2014

You're not a bad friend or a bad person for saying you are very uncomfortable trying to sell tickets. The whole thing just sounds bizarre. I mean, I can at least kind of get where friends of the bride and groom who want to participate in the party would buy tickets (still rude, but I can at least understand it). But to expect those friends to then go out to their own friends and family...who probably don't even know the B&G...and sell raffle tickets?

Did I get that right? Am I misunderstanding something? (Please tell me I'm misunderstanding something, lol). I would side eye a friend hard if she asked me to buy a raffle ticket to help fund a stranger's wedding.

lightningsnow · April 2014

MrsMack10612 said:

@lightningsnow - J&J are not "so common" in MA. They are common in parts of MA and even then I'm not sure how common they are. I've lived here all (or most of 32 of 40 years) my life and never heard of such a thing until 1. TK and 2. A friend who started hanging with a younger crowd (under 30) in the Dracut, Lowell, southern NH area.

That is the area I am from. I apologize for the generalization. My mistake.

hyechica81 · April 2014

where i am from in the new england area its common for jack and jills its more of a canadian tradition, but stags are also the norm where i am from.

SP29 · April 2014

Even in Canada, it depends on the geographical area.

Jack and Jills, Stag and Does, Buck and Does... whatever you want to call them, are very popular where I am from in Southern ON (I have been to many), but where I live in AB now, no one has heard of them.

Anyway... besides the point...

I would tell the B&G/other WP members that because you live far away from where the J&J will be held, that you are not comfortable selling tickets (as people aren't going to drive 90 mins), but that you would be happy to help with set up, provide a raffle item and/or some food.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

KickAssMOH said:

I can't back out of this. I am actually backing out of another pre-wedding event due to the costs being far from what my budgeting expectations were. I am feeling like a shitty friend here and trying to save face without looking like a fool. I guess I just posted this wanting to whine to you all waaaaaah.

Sure you can. No one has to do anything that they are not comfortable doing, nor want to do. It's up to you to get over these feelings of guilt about it, though.

If you cannot participate in every single pre-wedding event, especially if this wedding is OOT for you, that doesn't make you a shitty friend. If your friend the Bride is actually your friend, she will understand that. If she is an entitled brat, you may have some drama on your hands, but I wouldn't do something I am morally/etiquette-ly opposed to just to avoid drama.

I would suggest as others have said- make the basket for the raffle, make some decorations, but do not attend or participate in any further manner.

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