My Fiancee is Catholic, I am Not

kimmi20078 · March 2014

My fiancee is Catholic and I am not. We decided it would be easier to have a simple ceremony outside of the Catholic church. If we do this, can we still get our marriage blessed by the Catholic church? I know it would mean a lot to my fiancee. Also, if we can get it blessed do we still have to go through the marriage classes if we just want it blessed?

professorscience · March 2014

To marry outside of the church, your fiance would need to obtain a dispensation. To receive one, you must have "just cause," such as having the wedding in your church (and even then, usually they are only granted when the person officiating is a relative of the noncatholic party). Having a wedding outside of the church without following the proper channels can be very serious, as it would bar your FI from receiving the sacraments.

I urge you and your FI to really consider this. If you haven't spoken to a priest, please go ahead and do so, if it important to your FI to remain in communion with the church.

Also, the church does give convalidations, but it's generally harder to get one if you didn't have a good reason for not following proper form in the first place. And yes, you would still have to go through marriage preparation.

You can find lots of helpful information at www.catholicweddinghelp.com. A Catholic wedding shouldn't be "difficult," by any means.

agapecarrie · March 2014

There is no such thing as "just a blessing".

It's valid or invalid. Just as we all have to follow the laws of our state or country regarding marriage to have it considered valid, so does the Catholic church for marriages. There has to be proper intent and form. Form can be dispensed from for the actual ceremony, if there is a serious reason, but the intent must still be present, and that includes all the marriage prep stuff. (Which is a good thing...preparing for marriage).

It is WAY simpler to get married through the proper channels the first time. Without doing this, it will be invalid.

chelseamb11 · March 2014

If it would mean a lot to your FI, why not get married in the Church to begin with?

If it's about being "easier" like you mentioned, you're definitely in the wrong frame of mind. This is his faith and spiritual wellbeing. As his future wife, you should be supportive of that.

To answer your question, yes the Church does convalidations. Usually they are done if there was an extraordinary reason you didn't originally get married in the Church, and you do have to go through marriage prep. They're not going to be horribly supportive of it after the fact if you did it just to make it easier.

Mkincaid2014 · March 2014

I'm in the same boat as you, OP. My Fi is Catholic, and I am Lutheran. I did not want to get married in a Catholic Church, and my hometown church meant a lot to me, so we are getting married there.

From what I've observed (between us and several friends), it is not too difficult to get the dispensation, at least if you are getting married in another church. In response to a PP, it doesn't matter if the minister/officiant is related to you or not. We also learned that the dispensation from form means dispensation from all form once it is granted. There are no restrictions on our ceremony, which is nice. It made more sense to us to get the dispensation beforehand than a convalidation after the fact.

We have to have a minimum of 4 marriage prep meetings with the priest, and he's taking care of all the paperwork for the dispensation. As the non-catholic, I only have to have a family member write a letter to him saying I've never been married before. So far, the priest has been incredibly respectful of my faith and even wanted to learn more about Lutheran weddings. I was honestly kind of surprised, in a good way.

Your fi should do some research at his church to help you guys make a decision on whether a dispensation or convalidation is the best route for you. For my fi, it was important to him to stay in good standing with his church, so the dispensation was the way to go for us. Good luck navigating through all of this! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about the process. :-).

ETA: Fixed paragraphs, added one additional thought.

professorscience · March 2014

@Mkincaid2014, thanks for sharing. I don't think I've actually heard from anyone who actually got a dispensation, so I'm just going off what I've been told.

Another thought for OP: Your FI should really be the one looking into this. I'm not saying you shouldn't be involved at all, but if staying in good standing with the church is important to him, then he should make a little effort to make sure he will be. And you should DEFINITELY look into a dispensation before your wedding rather than just hoping you'll be granted a convalidation later.

Alsoalso: I don't know if it makes a difference, but there are Catholic weddings without mass, if that's what you meant by wanting a simpler ceremony.

Mkincaid2014 · March 2014

@Professorscience, this is all very new to us too, so I'm happy to share our experience. If any of you are curious about the process, I can provide more information about it.

Here are some random facts that I found interesting:

- Our marriage will be registered at the closest Catholic church to the Lutheran church where the wedding is performed, and then that information will be sent to the church where my FI was baptised so that his records stay together.

- The dispensation from form is a dispensation from all form. So technically now we could change our venue and get married in a park or on the beach (though we'd never do something that sneaky). The priest joked about it, only because he knew we wouldn't do it.

- Even though I'm not Catholic, I had to answer the question on whether I would accept children in the marriage. I also had to answer the question about any medical conditions that would prevent me from ever having children. It is not a big deal since we both want kids and neither of us have any medical conditions that would prevent us from having kids, but I was kind of surprised by it.

- We could have a ceremony with both a Lutheran pastor and a Catholic priest, but the priest must have a very minor role so as not to cause confusion about which clergy member is actually officiating. So that basically boils down to the priest can say a prayer or give a few remarks, but he cannot be involved in the vows. My FI is still deciding if he wants to have his priest do this.

These were just a few of the things we learned in our first meeting with the priest that I thought were really interesting. I'm happy to share more if anyone's interested!

monkeysip · March 2014

Mkincaid2014 said:

@Professorscience, this is all very new to us too, so I'm happy to share our experience. If any of you are curious about the process, I can provide more information about it.

Here are some random facts that I found interesting:

- Our marriage will be registered at the closest Catholic church to the Lutheran church where the wedding is performed, and then that information will be sent to the church where my FI was baptised so that his records stay together.

- The dispensation from form is a dispensation from all form. So technically now we could change our venue and get married in a park or on the beach (though we'd never do something that sneaky). The priest joked about it, only because he knew we wouldn't do it.

- Even though I'm not Catholic, I had to answer the question on whether I would accept children in the marriage. I also had to answer the question about any medical conditions that would prevent me from ever having children. It is not a big deal since we both want kids and neither of us have any medical conditions that would prevent us from having kids, but I was kind of surprised by it.

- We could have a ceremony with both a Lutheran pastor and a Catholic priest, but the priest must have a very minor role so as not to cause confusion about which clergy member is actually officiating. So that basically boils down to the priest can say a prayer or give a few remarks, but he cannot be involved in the vows. My FI is still deciding if he wants to have his priest do this.

These were just a few of the things we learned in our first meeting with the priest that I thought were really interesting. I'm happy to share more if anyone's interested!

To the bolded--does anyone know why they ask this? Since infertility is not an impediment to marriage, I don't know why they need to ask this. They didn't ask me this.

chelseamb11 · March 2014

Possibly she is confusing if they asked about her ability to consummate the marriage? I do remember that being one of the questions for us.. if there was an issue with impotence.

agapecarrie · March 2014

What Chelsea said. There is no question about ability to have children. There is a question about ability to consummate marriage, and openness to children.

monkeysip · March 2014

Yeah, but wouldn't they just ask the guy about impotence? I didn't get asked about my ability to consummate.

ETA: Priest didn't ask H either.

Mkincaid2014 · March 2014

@chelseamb11, @monkeysip: Yes, I thought it was strange that the priest asked me that question when frankly I think it applies more to men than women. He kind of rushed through all of it and seemed to be a little embarrassed asking us about it. I hope that's the most awkward thing we need to talk about in front of him...

chelseamb11 · March 2014

Our priest just asked it with us both there. He had this long list of questions to ask: Do any of us have any impediments to be married (like already married, under 18, in holy orders, etc). Another question asked was if there were any sexual impediments that could lead to inability to consummate the marriage.

tesgirl123 · March 2014

Our priest asked us about potential health issues as well. I think its to make sure that if there is a health issue, both parties are aware of it. But then again, my priest also asked us about financial planning, dispute resolution, and if either of us had homosexual feelings. Most of the questions he asked were completely normal for what you would expect from pre-marrital counselling, but others were totally random and even the priest felt weird asking them.

hyechica81 · March 2014

so we met with fi deacon at his church and let him know we were getting married in my church Armenian orthodox, we asked what fi had to do so he could still receive sacraments and the marriage to be recognized in his church, we asked about a dispensation and the deacon said one was not needed at all.

he told us after we got married in my church we would meet with him again and arrange for a blessing ceremony so that the marriage would be recognized in his church . so many people online were telling me i would have a huge issues but it all worked out for us. we also spoke with my priest who talked to my fi in depth about our church and wanted to make him comfortable. i guess each catholic church could be different but we had no issues on his end

Riss91 · March 2014

Each Catholic Church is only different because some priests/deacons/etc don't understand or appropriately follow the rules. It might be a good idea to visit another parish priest and run it by him, just to be safe. You don't want to get yourself into a predicament unnecessarily.

Without a dispensation, you will not be considered "validly" married by the Catholic Church until you receive a convalidation, which I assume is the "blessing" the deacon mentioned. So, you shouldn't live "as husband and wife" until then. If you do, your husband will have to me absolved of these sins (as well as the initial sin of being married invalidly) before he can receive the sacrament of communion.

It would likely be best to obtain the dispensation in the first place, then to go through all of this trouble afterwards.

Calypso1977 · March 2014

i would NOT listen to a Deacon. id speak directly with the priest.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Both DH and I got asked about whether we knew of any impediments to consummating the marriage and conceiving/bearing children.

My priest said the question was to determine not necessarily if we had impediments (like if I had PCOS or endometriosis) but whether we had told the other person about that impediment.

He explained that it's a question to determine validity. If I had had an impediment and had not told DH, that would be grounds for annulment, according to our priest.

professorscience · March 2014

Our pastoral associate told us we would be amazed at the number of couples who came to the church with the intention of getting married where one person was hiding something BIG from the other.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

professorscience said:
Our pastoral associate told us we would be amazed at the number of couples who came to the church with the intention of getting married where one person was hiding something BIG from the other.

I would absolutely believe that. I have friends (not Catholic ones) who are hiding huge things from their partners (such as feelings on children). I look at them and think, 'Do you not think this is going to be a HUGE FREAKING PROBLEM in the future?'

But then they're also largely atheists, so then I think that perhaps they have larger problems anyway.

STARMOON44 · April 2014

@

HisGirlFriday13 said:

But then they're also largely atheists, so then I think that perhaps they have larger problems anyway.

Wow. How rude and intolerant. Your atheist friends apparently are struggling with approaching marriage, but none of mine have, and plenty of people of all religions have the same issues. I know this is the Catholic board, but there's a way to believe your religion is the best without maligning those who believe or disbelieve differently.

KittyKaty20 · April 2014

STARMOON44 said:

But then they're also largely atheists, so then I think that perhaps they have larger problems anyway.
Wow. How rude and intolerant. Your atheist friends apparently are struggling with approaching marriage, but none of mine have, and plenty of people of all religions have the same issues. I know this is the Catholic board, but there's a way to believe your religion is the best without maligning those who believe or disbelieve differently.

I'm sure @HisGirlFriday can defend her position, but I pretty much disagree with you, @STARMOON44. This poster is extremely tolerant and I have yet to see her post in a rude way (unless someone else draws "first blood", so to speak).

This IS the Catholic Board, and whether we chose to tolerate others' religious beliefs (or lack thereof) or not is irrelevant to the fact that we acknowledge the Catholic Church as the ONLY church and the true faith. So, we are absolutely able to have friends of other/no religion, while still maintaining our belief that they have not found the true faith.

Finally, I completely agree that people who have no heavenly being in whom to put their trust and turn to for guidance have bigger problems awaiting them when they shuffle off their mortal coil. There is no maligning these people-it's simply a statement.

CrazyCatLady3 · April 2014

KittyKaty20 said:

STARMOON44 said:

But then they're also largely atheists, so then I think that perhaps they have larger problems anyway.
Wow. How rude and intolerant. Your atheist friends apparently are struggling with approaching marriage, but none of mine have, and plenty of people of all religions have the same issues. I know this is the Catholic board, but there's a way to believe your religion is the best without maligning those who believe or disbelieve differently.

I'm sure @HisGirlFriday can defend her position, but I pretty much disagree with you, @STARMOON44. This poster is extremely tolerant and I have yet to see her post in a rude way (unless someone else draws "first blood", so to speak).
This IS the Catholic Board, and whether we chose to tolerate others' religious beliefs (or lack thereof) or not is irrelevant to the fact that we acknowledge the Catholic Church as the ONLY church and the true faith. So, we are absolutely able to have friends of other/no religion, while still maintaining our belief that they have not found the true faith.
Finally, I completely agree that people who have no heavenly being in whom to put their trust and turn to for guidance have bigger problems awaiting them when they shuffle off their mortal coil. There is no maligning these people-it's simply a statement.

But Christian humility is always a good thing. And Catholics are not immune to relationship issues... I know of 2 Catholic weddings FI and/or I attended in the past 3 years where the fiance cheated on his fiancee in the months before the wedding, then went on to do the whole big Catholic wedding as if nothing had happened.

chelseamb11 · April 2014

I think we all have our faults and crosses to bear in life.
There is never going to be a 100% correlation between believers and people finding a purpose/meaning to life. But the correlation is definitely too high to ignore.

My heart always aches when people blatantly deny the existence of God and redemption found in Jesus. My brother is a hardcore atheist and it shows clearly how it has affected his life.

My Fiancee is Catholic, I am Not

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