Wedding after FMIL's birthday

KeptInStitches · April 2014

This year we don't know when we are celebrating my brother's and my birthdays (less than a week apart, think we were planned much? :P). He's finishing finals and moving for his internship. I'm closing on a house. We'll celebrate when we can working around life events, as your FMIL should. Acknowledging her birthday with a cake at the rehearsal dinner is a sweet idea.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

So, I come from a big family where we're mostly local, but we're all really busy. Same with my partner. What we typically do is just reschedule birthday celebrations. So we've celebrated early February birthdays in late February. This past year, we skipped my birthday in my family (because my grandmother's 80th birthday was the day before) and did it two weeks later in my partner's family (because no one was around the next weekend).

Sounds like your fiance does not want to rock the boat at all with his family. The thing is, though, that a lot of people understand that things change when their children get married. My partner was previously terrified that he was going to break his parents' hearts by missing Thanksgiving. His parents, meanwhile, were confused about why he didn't want to spend Thanksgiving with my family.

Please tell that to my ILs. H and I had Thanksgiving, just us, at our home this year and you would have thought we each had three heads when we told his family.

phira · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

So, I come from a big family where we're mostly local, but we're all really busy. Same with my partner. What we typically do is just reschedule birthday celebrations. So we've celebrated early February birthdays in late February. This past year, we skipped my birthday in my family (because my grandmother's 80th birthday was the day before) and did it two weeks later in my partner's family (because no one was around the next weekend).

Sounds like your fiance does not want to rock the boat at all with his family. The thing is, though, that a lot of people understand that things change when their children get married. My partner was previously terrified that he was going to break his parents' hearts by missing Thanksgiving. His parents, meanwhile, were confused about why he didn't want to spend Thanksgiving with my family.
Please tell that to my ILs. H and I had Thanksgiving, just us, at our home this year and you would have thought we each had three heads when we told his family.

Honestly, if we weren't spending the holidays with SOMEONE's family, then yeah, I think everyone would be like, "BUT WHY." I'd honestly love to do it, but I know my partner wouldn't be on board.

delujm0 · April 2014

For the last 5 years before we got engaged, i have stayed in the town we live in for Thanksgiving. It's just annoying to fly up north for Thanksgiving and then AGAIN for Christmas. FI has been guilted into going home for Thanksgiving every year. And every year my FILs offer to buy my flight for me so i can come with him, because they do not understand that money isn't the issue (i can easily afford to travel for Thanksgiving if i want to), it's just that I WANT TO BE AT HOME. Also, Black Friday is a work day for me, so if i'm low on vacation time, i have to work that day anyway.

The ONLY year i made an exception was the year my dad offered to bring my sister and I to St. Thomas for Thanksgiving because who says no to that?

Unfortunately, i'm told that now we have to "split Thanksgiving and Christmas" among our families (no idea why, they all live within a 2 hour drive of each other so i don't see why they can't just share us?) and until we have kids i don't see any way around us traveling for both holidays every year. Fingers crossed for an easy, nearly immediate conception after the wedding. :-)

Also, FI's cousin's wedding day was my birthday, his sister's boyfriend's birthday, and his wife's grandmother's birthday. And it didn't affect any of us. They did sing to us at the reception though. Also, i don't get why adults need to celebrate their birthdays every year...i mean sure dinner with your spouse or something but a mandatory family shindig? Why?

KeptInStitches · April 2014

delujm0 said:

For the last 5 years before we got engaged, i have stayed in the town we live in for Thanksgiving. It's just annoying to fly up north for Thanksgiving and then AGAIN for Christmas. FI has been guilted into going home for Thanksgiving every year. And every year my FILs offer to buy my flight for me so i can come with him, because they do not understand that money isn't the issue (i can easily afford to travel for Thanksgiving if i want to), it's just that I WANT TO BE AT HOME. Also, Black Friday is a work day for me, so if i'm low on vacation time, i have to work that day anyway.

The ONLY year i made an exception was the year my dad offered to bring my sister and I to St. Thomas for Thanksgiving because who says no to that?

Unfortunately, i'm told that now we have to "split Thanksgiving and Christmas" among our families (no idea why, they all live within a 2 hour drive of each other so i don't see why they can't just share us?) and until we have kids i don't see any way around us traveling for both holidays every year. Fingers crossed for an easy, nearly immediate conception after the wedding. :-)

Also, FI's cousin's wedding day was my birthday, his sister's boyfriend's birthday, and his wife's grandmother's birthday. And it didn't affect any of us. They did sing to us at the reception though. Also, i don't get why adults need to celebrate their birthdays every year...i mean sure dinner with your spouse or something but a mandatory family shindig? Why?

My parents enjoy throwing a little party for DB and me each year. Plus we live fairly locally to them, and it's an excuse for us to come home and get a really good meal.

Cookie Pusher · April 2014

Ugh, FI's family is all "let's spend ALL the holidays together". Like, yea, go to your in-laws but you better show up to our thing too. Who has time for that? Especially since they plan things for either really early in the morning (driving over an hour at sunrise to go to their church for Easter even though I'm a different denomination) or late in the evening (7pm cake and coffee for FI's godson's birthday, again, over an hour away). So far, they haven't even whispered about Easter this year, and I'm pretty close to telling them to fuck off because I don't want to get up at 4 am to go to someone else's church when I can sleep in, go to MY church service, and have a nice brunch at home.

larrygaga · April 2014

Maybe this was already said, but I went to a wedding where it was really close to a relative's birthday. The couple had a special little cupcake with a candle and announced to everyone that they would sing happy birthday. This was after dinner a little ways into the reception. It was really cute and a way to acknowledge her. I would check and make sure that is okay with FMIL, but this might be a solution with your FI's unease about it.

Simply Fated · April 2014

You can always just celebrate your anniversary on a different day. I'm not saying you should, but people are very quick to say the FMIL should just move her birthday celebration every year and no one mentioned that you guys could just celebrate a different day. Again, not that you should, only that it's a double standard.
The thing is, you Fi doesn't want to move days around every year. I get that. If there was another reason he didn't want to get married on this particular day I'd say the same thing. You guys will find a date that you both like.
I know you were looking forward to this particular day, but once you choose a new date, you'll be looking forward to that date, too.

Fairyjen1 · April 2014

Our original date we wanted was on MY birthday. Our second choice was the week after, which was the date we actually were able to get. We were doing my birthday because it was most convenient for everyone.

I have rarely celebrated my birthday on the actual day, and I usually make a whole month out of it

I usually book a trip around that time using my birthday as an excuse, but really it's just to take a trip. My parents always take me out to dinner, but it rarely happens on the day, or even in the week of my birthday. I figured if my anniversary and Birthday were the same day I would just have two reasons to celebrate!

bananasplit472001 · April 2014

lalalaurita said:

Just when I thought that we had finally settled on a venue and a date, FI has informed me that he doesn't feel right about having the wedding on the day after his mother's birthday. He originally told me to call the venue and hold whatever date was available in our ideal date range, and said any Saturday in early May or late April was fine because none of his family's birthdays fell on a Saturday. Now that I've put a tentative hold on a date he doesn't want to do it on that date.

So now I'm stressing out about how to plan around all of our VIPs who have April or May birthdays. Birthdays aren't a big deal in my family so I don't really have any frame of reference for this. Is this something that should always be planned around, like is it inconsiderate to have the wedding on the day before or after someone's birthday?

This is always my favorite kind of situation. You will never be able to accommodate everyone's schedules, events, celebrations etc when planning your wedding. Just book a date that doesn't interfere with major holidays and close relative's wedding and you should be fine. Tell your FMIL that she should be honored that you waited until the day AFTER her birthday to have your wedding so that it didn't interfere with her special day. My wedding is booked on one of my BM birthday's, my grandparents wedding anniversary and is exactly 1 week after my sister's 1st wedding anniversary. People need to understand that other's have a life and moments to celebrate not just their celebrations.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Thanks everyone. I talked about it to FI and said I didn't see why his mom would have an objection to it. He explained that he just doesn't want us to have to plan our future anniversary celebrations around his mom's birthday, because his family is local and they get together for everyone's birthday. That makes sense to me and I respect his wishes, but I'm still a little bummed about having to change the date that I had gotten so excited about.
Sorry but if I were planning a vacation for my anniversary or just because and it happened that the best time for that vacation fell over his Mother's birthday, I would be skipping the birthday. I get wanting to get together for it but seriously, every year you have to get together for his Mom's birthday? You can never miss it?

I guess since I am not big into birthdays (and anniversaries for that matter) and don't get the whole huge get together's or parties or what not every year that I really don't see the need to change your date. It isn't like you are going to go on big elaborate trips every anniversary (more power to you if you are planning that) so it isn't like you will be away for his Mom's birthday every single year.

Also, you don't need to celebrate a birthday exactly on the person's actual birth date. You can have a family get together a few days after, or before, or a weekend after, whatever.

Honestly, I can't tell you the last time I celebrated my birthday with family and friends on my actual birth date. It usually happens the weekend following my birthday because it's easier to get people together on a weekend.

I think birthdays are important if they are a family event, but I wouldn't change my wedding date to avoid someone's birthday- with big families and large friend groups that could be an impossible thing to do.

I'd expect adults to be able to be adults and realize that you can be flexible with birthday celebrations.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

delujm0 said:

For the last 5 years before we got engaged, i have stayed in the town we live in for Thanksgiving. It's just annoying to fly up north for Thanksgiving and then AGAIN for Christmas. FI has been guilted into going home for Thanksgiving every year. And every year my FILs offer to buy my flight for me so i can come with him, because they do not understand that money isn't the issue (i can easily afford to travel for Thanksgiving if i want to), it's just that I WANT TO BE AT HOME. Also, Black Friday is a work day for me, so if i'm low on vacation time, i have to work that day anyway.

The ONLY year i made an exception was the year my dad offered to bring my sister and I to St. Thomas for Thanksgiving because who says no to that?

Unfortunately, i'm told that now we have to "split Thanksgiving and Christmas" among our families (no idea why, they all live within a 2 hour drive of each other so i don't see why they can't just share us?) and until we have kids i don't see any way around us traveling for both holidays every year. Fingers crossed for an easy, nearly immediate conception after the wedding. :-)

Also, FI's cousin's wedding day was my birthday, his sister's boyfriend's birthday, and his wife's grandmother's birthday. And it didn't affect any of us. They did sing to us at the reception though. Also, i don't get why adults need to celebrate their birthdays every year...i mean sure dinner with your spouse or something but a mandatory family shindig? Why?

I am so sorry! That is fucking ridiculous. You need to do what works best for you and your relationship with your FI, but I personally would have a chat with my FI about this. There isn't any reason why you can't see both sets of parents during the same holiday trip. . . FI and I do it all of the time with our families.

I wouldn't want to be flying back and forth for T-Giving and Xmas all the time, either. I'd rather spend that money on shoes ;-) And holiday airport crowds and delyas and what not just sucks.

phira · April 2014

I mean, the bottom line for the OP in terms of "what to do" is really: if your fiance does not want to get married on that date, then fine. Don't get married on that date. Hopefully, however, he is the one brainstorming about an alternative date, etc, since it's his own reasons for wanting a different date.

Although his reasons are kind of silly.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

Simply Fated said:

You can always just celebrate your anniversary on a different day. I'm not saying you should, but people are very quick to say the FMIL should just move her birthday celebration every year and no one mentioned that you guys could just celebrate a different day. Again, not that you should, only that it's a double standard. The thing is, you Fi doesn't want to move days around every year. I get that. If there was another reason he didn't want to get married on this particular day I'd say the same thing. You guys will find a date that you both like. I know you were looking forward to this particular day, but once you choose a new date, you'll be looking forward to that date, too.

Yep, fair point too.

grumbledore · April 2014

lolo883 said:

Speshul snowflake birthday!! No. She gets one day, IF THAT. I personally get kind of annoyed at adults who take their birthday so seriously. If YOU want to plan around it, fine. But she can't insist upon it.

So much this. It drives me NUTS. Grow the fuck up birthday-snowflakes.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

I can see both sides of this. Of course in our group we're more likely to celebrate a birthday than an anniversary. I was talking to my great aunt about her anniversary once because it was a big one and she couldn't remember the date but she knows everyone's birthdays and always makes sure to call them.

HaylaC · April 2014

We got married 4 days after my mums 60th, the day of my MILs birthday and 2 days before my brothers birthday. It's not once caused problems, even when my MIL 60th was the same day as our 1st anniversary

huskypuppy14 · April 2014

We're getting married 1 week after FI birthday, 4 days after my Dad's birthday, and the day before Fathers Day. We asked my Dad (and FI Dad) if the date was ok, and they both said it was.

A few years ago, FI brother was married on his birthday and then the next year a cousin got married on his birthday.

When we were deciding on a date, FI said "we are not getting married the weekend of my birthday. Fair enough, just 1 week later.

blabla89 · April 2014

We were able to work out a date the week before FMIL's birthday, so it's all good now. More than anything, I was just curious as to whether this was a normal expectation (my family is far from normal, so I can't make assumptions based on them) and it sounds like the general consensus is that it doesn't really matter. I'm not sure if it was FI being over-cautious about family drama, or if FMIL is actually a SS about her birthday. Either way it's not a hill l want to die on, and we still get an early May date like we wanted.

anm2n · April 2014

My FI and I are getting married on his mother's birthday. It was the best date for us.

grumbledore · April 2014

lalalaurita said:

We were able to work out a date the week before FMIL's birthday, so it's all good now. More than anything, I was just curious as to whether this was a normal expectation (my family is far from normal, so I can't make assumptions based on them) and it sounds like the general consensus is that it doesn't really matter. I'm not sure if it was FI being over-cautious about family drama, or if FMIL is actually a SS about her birthday. Either way it's not a hill l want to die on, and we still get an early May date like we wanted.

I think it's an insane expectation even to expect people to work around your actual birthday, but a day OTHER than your birthday that is just birthday-adjacent is BSC.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

lalalaurita said:

We were able to work out a date the week before FMIL's birthday, so it's all good now. More than anything, I was just curious as to whether this was a normal expectation (my family is far from normal, so I can't make assumptions based on them) and it sounds like the general consensus is that it doesn't really matter. I'm not sure if it was FI being over-cautious about family drama, or if FMIL is actually a SS about her birthday. Either way it's not a hill l want to die on, and we still get an early May date like we wanted.

No, not all. Either your FI is being unreasonable, your FMIL is being unreasonable, or both are being unreasonable.

I would not have moved my wedding date to accommodate the day after anyone's birthday. It was the day after!

kitty8403 · April 2014

I'm getting married ON a longtime friend's birthday (not a wedding party member). Yes, we talked about it privately once I realized what had happened, and yes, he's ok with it. It's a holiday weekend as well. With a 300+ guest list and a short outdoor wedding season, the odds of our not getting a date close to at least one person's birthday were not exactly in our favor.

Wedding after FMIL's birthday

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