Wedding 911

FMIL and FSIL Rant

My fiance and I are planning a destination wedding and paying for most of it on our own.  ALL of our friends and family couldn't be more excited except his mother and sister who are both being a total pain in the arse. 

FMIL kept telling him no one from his family was going to come because it is a destination wedding.  Fast forward and her entire family is booked and excited and she still has not.  Even still, she keeps making sideways passive aggressive negative comments to my fiance about the wedding.

FSIL is 21, but is incredibly immature for her age.  She keeps freaking out about how is she going to get to the wedding, where is she going to stay, etc. and we have made it as easy as possible for her because she is very sheltered.  I sent her very explicit dress ordering instructions today (I basically made it full-proof), link to order, color code, even found a promo code for her to get a discount on her bridesmaid dress and she wouldn't even have to go anywhere or even make a phone call.  She sent me a ton of b*tchy texts, saying she was upset that she couldn't try her dress on, and why didn't I find a place for her to go to try on near her home (she lives in the midwest and we live on the east coast).  She even went so far as to say we had to help her pay for the dress because it was expensive.(mind you, she has a great job, and doesn't spend money on anything, so I am not sure why she would need our help).  Then she started bitching that we decided on long dresses, since it is on the beach, to which I replied, that I had planned on going short, but the reccomendation was to go long so the a gust of wind wouldn't end up sending the maids' skirts flying up and leaving them exposed during the ceremony.

She also doesn't seem to understand that when you order a bridesmaids dress, you can't just walk into a store and buy it off the rack, which I have tried to explain several times.  I am fine with helping her, but I could not believe the negative and passive aggro nature of everything she sent me.  We have always gotten along and it seemed so out of left field.  I am incredibly frustrated as she is clearly being very self involved and not even considering the fact that we are paying for and planning an entire wedding, and that the day is not all about her.  I was so angry earlier, I was thisclose to telling her that is she continued to act this way, she could wear what she wants and sit with the other guests (but I calmed down and did not, lol).

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to get it out somewhere that people would understand, thanks! :)

Re: FMIL and FSIL Rant

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I would be pissed if I couldn't try the dress on, either. If she doesn't take care of what she needs to do, she has taken herself out of the wedding. Let it go. Your fiance should either ignore his mother or he should tell her to knock her shit off. If she doesn't book, she's made the choice not to be there, and that's on her.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    larrygaga
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    SmashleyC said:
    My fiance and I are planning a destination wedding and paying for most of it on our own.  ALL of our friends and family couldn't be more excited except his mother and sister who are both being a total pain in the arse. 

    FMIL kept telling him no one from his family was going to come because it is a destination wedding.  Fast forward and her entire family is booked and excited and she still has not.  Even still, she keeps making sideways passive aggressive negative comments to my fiance about the wedding.

    FSIL is 21, but is incredibly immature for her age.  She keeps freaking out about how is she going to get to the wedding, where is she going to stay, etc. and we have made it as easy as possible for her because she is very sheltered.  I sent her very explicit dress ordering instructions today (I basically made it full-proof), link to order, color code, even found a promo code for her to get a discount on her bridesmaid dress and she wouldn't even have to go anywhere or even make a phone call.  She sent me a ton of b*tchy texts, saying she was upset that she couldn't try her dress on, and why didn't I find a place for her to go to try on near her home (she lives in the midwest and we live on the east coast).  She even went so far as to say we had to help her pay for the dress because it was expensive.(mind you, she has a great job, and doesn't spend money on anything, so I am not sure why she would need our help).  Then she started bitching that we decided on long dresses, since it is on the beach, to which I replied, that I had planned on going short, but the reccomendation was to go long so the a gust of wind wouldn't end up sending the maids' skirts flying up and leaving them exposed during the ceremony.

    She also doesn't seem to understand that when you order a bridesmaids dress, you can't just walk into a store and buy it off the rack, which I have tried to explain several times.  I am fine with helping her, but I could not believe the negative and passive aggro nature of everything she sent me.  We have always gotten along and it seemed so out of left field.  I am incredibly frustrated as she is clearly being very self involved and not even considering the fact that we are paying for and planning an entire wedding, and that the day is not all about her.  I was so angry earlier, I was thisclose to telling her that is she continued to act this way, she could wear what she wants and sit with the other guests (but I calmed down and did not, lol).

    Sorry for the rant, but I needed to get it out somewhere that people would understand, thanks! :)
    I understand you are frustrated but a few things:
    1.) I would also be frustrated if I couldn't try on a dress. 
    2.) I have also bought BM dresses off the rack
    3.) it doesn't matter if she makes £1,000,000 a year, she gets to decide what she spends her money on and it isn't up to you to dictate where she should spend it ( such as a BM dress)
    4.) you gave her the instructions, just leave her alone. if she doesn't buy the dress then so be it.

    This woman is going to be in your life forever, so don't allow your wedding planning to get in the way of your relationship. You have given her the instructions and how to order, she doesn't need any more info or micromanaging. Try talking to her about things other than your wedding. 
  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2014

    i would also be annoyed at not being able to try on the dress.  Usually even at a boutique where you have to special order the dress, they have at least a sample size dress to try on - why couldn't you find a boutique that sold the same dress line in her home town so that she could try it on?

     

    Additionally, it sounds like she doesn't like the cost - did you ask her for her budget before choosing the dress?  If not, I agree with her - you should be paying for all or part of the dress.  It's your job to make sure the dress is within the budgets of your BMs...and it's NOT your job to determine what their budgets should be based on their jobs and spending habits.  If she had a budget, and you surpassed it, that is on you.  So you can either buy the dress for her, hope she buys it herself, or risk her dropping out of the wedding because she can't afford the dress and then having her hold that against you for the rest of your life. 

     

    Side note: destination weddings are expensive.  Have you thought about what the weding overall is costing her, with travel, etc?  Maybe that's why she can't afford to spend as much as she normally would on a dress?  IMHO, if you're having a DW, you need to pick up some additional expenses since you're asking your families to spend a lot of money on travel.

     

    Your FMIL is being annoying; have your FI tell her to cut it out and either book her trip and stop complaining, or just not go.  The rest of the faimly clearly had no issue with your DW, as they all made their arrangements already.  I'm hoping you cleared this DW with your future in-laws before deciding on it?  Obviously they are VIPs so if they told you they couldn't afford to go, you should have considered that before booking it.  if they didn't mention anything at the time, that's on them.

  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Why isnt your FI dealing with these issues? It's his family
    BabyFruit Ticker
    doeydorsbloomzitiqueen
  • On the trying on the dress issue, I will say that it's nice if I get to try on a BM dress ahead of time but don't expect to always be able to.  Alterations are almost always required for a BM dress anyway.  Especially if the bride is just choosing one dress style for everyone and not letting girls choose their own.  When you agree to be a BM you are agreeing that you might have to wear a dress you don't like, although it should be within your budget.
  • Why are FMIL so annoying and feel the need to hear their own voice?  Just move along with your wedding planning and eventually she will book her flight I wouldn't worry about it.  As for your FSIL If she doesn't buy the dress in time either she will have to pay for late fees or she sure will look silly showing up to the wedding dressed in a completely different dress than all the other BM.  I wouldn't even deal with this crap.  They are deliberately trying to give you a hard time so I wouldn't even help them with ANYTHING.  Ignore their rude comments and do not pay for her BM dress.  If she agreed to be in the wedding party it is her responsibility to get the dress.  And in the end if she doesn't then who cares it's just a dress and she will be the one uncomfortable.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Hesterlicious
  • half of my maids did not go anywhere to try on any dresses. they are all out of state and i asked them to please check out this place locally and go try on some dresses. before me and my local maids went out. none of them did, so when it came time for the local maids to go out we choose a dress within the budget and told them this is the dress this is the cost.
  • I get her being annoyed about not being able to try on the dress- but I don't think that's on you OP! You give her the info and she can find a place in her area where she can try on the dress (if that's a possibility). For crying out loud she's an adult and can use google on her own! 

    Now if you didn't touch base about budget with her- then you should absolutely pay for the dress. 
  • Is it possible FMIL cannot afford a flight and hotel and meals at your destination wedding? I know if my son and his bride to be had planned a DW I would have a hard time coming up with a few grand to be able to attend and it would cause me a lot of stress worrying about whether or not I could go.
  • Is it possible FMIL cannot afford a flight and hotel and meals at your destination wedding? I know if my son and his bride to be had planned a DW I would have a hard time coming up with a few grand to be able to attend and it would cause me a lot of stress worrying about whether or not I could go.

    I would agree with this, except for the fact that the longer she takes, the more expensive it is. And there are travel agents (at least where I am) who will book everything and let you pay it off slowly. Since it's both FMIL and FSIL sounds like they're both just upset about not getting what they want and are making it hard on you. Just try your best to ignore it. If they don't make the appropriate arrangements, so be it. I know it sucks, but at this point, it's their choice if they want to be a part of your wedding.
  • CC0805 said:
    Is it possible FMIL cannot afford a flight and hotel and meals at your destination wedding? I know if my son and his bride to be had planned a DW I would have a hard time coming up with a few grand to be able to attend and it would cause me a lot of stress worrying about whether or not I could go.

    I would agree with this, except for the fact that the longer she takes, the more expensive it is. And there are travel agents (at least where I am) who will book everything and let you pay it off slowly. Since it's both FMIL and FSIL sounds like they're both just upset about not getting what they want and are making it hard on you. Just try your best to ignore it. If they don't make the appropriate arrangements, so be it. I know it sucks, but at this point, it's their choice if they want to be a part of your wedding.
    Just because you can pay it off slowly does NOT mean it is money you should be spending.
    kitty8403
  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    1. Unless you agreed on a budget, stayed under it, and FSIL has not made you aware of major life changes that would impact it, buying the dress (or at least chipping in) is on you. You don't get to decide what other people can afford or how they spend their money. Since it's a DW and she isn't even local to your area, factor in her lost work and travel costs. She's likely spending a lot on you.

    2. We worked around the OOT BM situation this way: a) used Weddington way showroom and let everyone pull favorite styles and comment on what they liked/didn't like/problem areas. b). MOH and I found three acceptable sample dresses and I photographer her in them. c) we put those final options to a vote and ordered. I covered the deposit to make sure we had no delays.

    3. Ignore FMIL's negativity. She'll get over it.

    4. Consider offering to cover some of FI's family's travel costs--IF you can afford it and IF they tell him it's a problem for them.
  • I'm a bit of a control freak and I am very particular about my BM dresses... so my solution is that I am including the cost of the dresses in my budget... I am not expecting anyone to shell out a dime for a dress that I am forcing them to wear.  If they love the dress.. great!  If not... well it isn't coming out of their pocket, so I don't wanna hear it!!!
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm a bit of a control freak and I am very particular about my BM dresses... so my solution is that I am including the cost of the dresses in my budget... I am not expecting anyone to shell out a dime for a dress that I am forcing them to wear.  If they love the dress.. great!  If not... well it isn't coming out of their pocket, so I don't wanna hear it!!!
    I'm going to hope you are being a bit sarcastic with this comment.  These girls are supposed to be your nearest and dearest friends.  Whether you are paying or not, I hope you are considering their level of comfort and appearance when making these dress selections.
    NYCMercedeskmmssgHisGirlFriday13lc07
  • MobKaz said:



    I'm a bit of a control freak and I am very particular about my BM dresses... so my solution is that I am including the cost of the dresses in my budget... I am not expecting anyone to shell out a dime for a dress that I am forcing them to wear.  If they love the dress.. great!  If not... well it isn't coming out of their pocket, so I don't wanna hear it!!!

    I'm going to hope you are being a bit sarcastic with this comment.  These girls are supposed to be your nearest and dearest friends.  Whether you are paying or not, I hope you are considering their level of comfort and appearance when making these dress selections.

    I took this to mean that OP didn't care if the girls like the colour or could re-wear it, because they're not paying for it.

    To that end, other than the navy blue dress I wore as a friend's MOH, I have flat-out hated the colour of every BM dress I've ever had to buy. But I've done it and not said, 'Oh my god we look like a pastel nightmare!' because the dress didn't violate my standards of modesty, just aesthetics, and that's not my business. If the bride wants six grown-ass women in matching pastel prom dresses, well, it's her wedding.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • KaurisKauris member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    I'm a bit of a control freak and I am very particular about my BM dresses... so my solution is that I am including the cost of the dresses in my budget... I am not expecting anyone to shell out a dime for a dress that I am forcing them to wear.  If they love the dress.. great!  If not... well it isn't coming out of their pocket, so I don't wanna hear it!!!

    I also paid for my BM dresses, but they made the decision on what they wanted to wear. I may have paid, but ultimately they should be able to at the very least have input on what they put on their body.

    ETA Box issues

    lc07
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards