Wedding Woes

Matron of Honor opts out = DOOM

My wedding day is soon approaching (less than 4 months- August 9th), and it will be a destination wedding. We are getting married in Hawaii and a good portion of our guests will be travelling for our big day. Very exciting! We have always planned to get married in Hawaii (FI's family lives there and its beautiful... you can't really go wrong with this location!), and so after we became engaged (which will be one year ago in June) everyone who knew us expected it to be there. I have been doing very well with planning thus far; I have a great portion of our vendors already booked, decor already ordered, and everything seems to be coming together better than I expected. That is until...

About a month ago, my Matron of Honor/ Best Friend took me to dinner and explained that she likely will not be able to make it to the wedding. My initial reaction was to throw up on her. This was supposed to be my partner in crime, my drill sargent, my other half (aside from my FI, of course) to help me get through the entire day! Now, I completely understand the monetary concerns she has...she recently (3 months ago) had a beautiful baby boy, she and her husband recently purchased a new vehicle, and on top of that she just started back at work not too long ago. Finances are not too great, and a trip to Hawaii is not cheap. I know that-- believe me! Is it wrong of me to be really hurt over this though?? She didn't give me a definitive 'NO', but the way she brought it to my attention... my educated guess is that she won't be there. She told me she would still work on my bachelorette party and bridal party (which I haven't heard a peep about thus far), but honestly I would rather not have any parties and have her there on my big day. That sounds so selfish when I say it outloud. I feel so torn.

Do I just continue my planning as if she might come and then if she doesn't what then? Has this happened to anyone, and what did you do? How did things turn out???

Re: Matron of Honor opts out = DOOM

  • Unfortunately this is the risk you run when you get married someowhre that is expensive to travel to.  If she can't afford the luxury of traveling to your wedding (which for herself and her husband would lkely cost thousands of dollars), those are the breaks.  Your only option at this point is to offer to cover the price of her trip - airfares and hotels - if you really want her there.  If you can't do that, she pobably won't be able to attend.  Maybe you can have someone running Skype from the ceremony with her so that she can see it live.

     

    She's offering to help with your shower and bacheorette party because those are peobably significantly cheaper tha traveling to your wedding.  I'm sure if she thought she could not pitch in for those events but still make it to the wedding, she would.  Her financial affairs are nobody's business but her own and her husband's. If they don't think that a pricey vacation is within their budget right now, that's how it is.  That would also be a realy diffcult trip with an infant, so i'm sure that figured into their decision as well. 

     

    Hopefully you have bridesmaids that will be able to make it to stand with you that day.  You can still list her as the MOH in the program even though she won't get to be there.

    Vivandiere8
  • My wedding day is soon approaching (less than 4 months- August 9th), and it will be a destination wedding. We are getting married in Hawaii and a good portion of our guests will be travelling for our big day. Very exciting! We have always planned to get married in Hawaii (FI's family lives there and its beautiful... you can't really go wrong with this location!), and so after we became engaged (which will be one year ago in June) everyone who knew us expected it to be there. I have been doing very well with planning thus far; I have a great portion of our vendors already booked, decor already ordered, and everything seems to be coming together better than I expected. That is until...

    About a month ago, my Matron of Honor/ Best Friend took me to dinner and explained that she likely will not be able to make it to the wedding. My initial reaction was to throw up on her. This was supposed to be my partner in crime, my drill sargent, my other half (aside from my FI, of course) to help me get through the entire day! Now, I completely understand the monetary concerns she has...she recently (3 months ago) had a beautiful baby boy, she and her husband recently purchased a new vehicle, and on top of that she just started back at work not too long ago. Finances are not too great, and a trip to Hawaii is not cheap. I know that-- believe me! Is it wrong of me to be really hurt over this though?? She didn't give me a definitive 'NO', but the way she brought it to my attention... my educated guess is that she won't be there. She told me she would still work on my bachelorette party and bridal party (which I haven't heard a peep about thus far), but honestly I would rather not have any parties and have her there on my big day. That sounds so selfish when I say it outloud. I feel so torn.

    Do I just continue my planning as if she might come and then if she doesn't what then? Has this happened to anyone, and what did you do? How did things turn out???

    Yes. I mean, you can't help feeling how you feel, but she has a legitimate reason for backing out, which has nothing to do with you. It might be disappointing for you, but it doesn't sound like she's trying to end the friendship. 

    Having a DW, you have to be willing to accept that a lot of people may be unwilling/unable to afford/take vacation to attend. With recently resuming work after maternity leave, your friend may not just be concerned with her finances, but also with her vacation time. She may have used her vacation days to extend paid leave, or she may be saving time in case of a family illness/childcare problem. 

    How would your planning change if she comes vs. if she backs out? Other than rearranging some seating charts, or the pairing of escorts down the aisle, I really don't see what will change. You don't need to "replace" your MOH, and I think as your BFF, she'd still be deserving of the title even if she can't attend. 

    My BFF declined to be my bridesmaid due to issues with an illness. She wasn't sure if she would even be able to make it to the wedding - she lived a few hours away and her health problems made travel difficult. I was a little disappointed, but understood completely  - I thought that might be an issue when I asked her, but figured the choice was hers. She was obviously still invited as a guest, and planned to come, but unfortunately got sick a day or two before, and was unable to travel. I wish she could have made it for the wedding, but in retrospect, I would much rather of had a one-on-one dinner with her than get to spend  5-10 minutes with her at the wedding. 

    Maybe you should let your friend know that you'll miss her if she can't come, but completely understand her reasoning, and that you'd love to plan a night out with her sometime soon.
    Vivandiere8
  • Thank you so much. I truly needed to hear this. I feel awful that I even felt upset about it. But, confirming that it shouldn't be as big of a deal as I was starting to create in my head is exactly what I needed to hear. Both of you ladies are right and I just need to move past it. I never would replace her as MOH whatsoever, I guess I just got taken aback after hearing she wouldn't be there. I would hate to even think about jeapordizing our friendship over something as minimal as this. I really appreciate it ladies. Giving me a swift kick into reality has me smiling now.

    Vivandiere8gmcr78
  • She needs to give you a definite response immediately, especially if it is after the RSVP date.  If she can't come then yes it is disappointing but it is what it is.  Not everyone will have the money to attend your dream wedding. At this point I would say she is not coming and just feels bad which is why she is not giving you a straight answer.  Just ask her point blank "Are you coming"? and make sure you get an answer so you can move on and plan your special day.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • This is really all I can think of:

    image

    For those not in the know, little dude is singing, "doom, doom, doom, doom".
    PrettyGirlLostGBCKthejucheidea
  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I lurve the doom song.
    VarunaTT
  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Gah, now I want to rewatch all of ZIM!!

    VarunaTT
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If it is so important that she comes to your wedding, maybe you could pay for her, her husband, and her baby's travel and accommodation?  Or you could change your plans and get married locally instead.  
    image
    thejucheidea
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