WWED? OOT Bachelorette Party

ZiggyZos · April 2014

CN at the bottom. Sorry it got long (seems to be a trend with me).

I am a BM in two weddings this fall. We haven't discussed most of the parties for the earlier of the two, but we have started planning for the shower and bachelorette for the latter wedding. I do know that all pre-wedding parties are optional for the WP, but I'm really struggling with this.

Initially, a bar-hopping evening was discussed locally. I'm not a big drinker, but would have gone and had fun mingling and whatnot. Come time to shop for dresses, and the MOH sits us all down and says she's been doing research on a bachelorette weekend in Nashville. Umm, okay. She provided us all with a cost-estimate and the other three BM and bride are all gung-ho. It sounded do-able at first. (Gas for one vehicle split between five of us; same for one hotel room). But they want to leave early on a Friday morning and stay for two nights.

Now, they are talking about matching shirts (yuck) which are another $20, plus a "nice" dinner to splurge on the bride, plus apparently cab-fare and/or parking in Nashville is quite pricey. We're talking $150-$200+ just in room/gas/cab expenses not counting any food, cover charges, drinks, etc. Plus I'm taking an unpaid day off of work, so I'll be out my wages as well. And the hotel the MOH booked, while the cheapest, has horrendous reviews (bed bugs, roaches, etc.). Again, I'm not a drinker but the other 3 BMs and bride all are. Heavily so. Not to mention that one of the other BMs and myself have a less-than-stellar history and I would not socialize with her if not for the fact that she's also a close friend of the bride. The idea of spending a weekend with her is already grating on my nerves.

I can probably afford it if I really start saving now, but I'm not really certain I want to at this point. DH and I have a lot of other things we could use that money for (like our anniversary trip we're taking a month prior). I'm also a little afraid to be the only BM not going, especially since I'd already agreed to split gas/hotel with the other girls (so me backing out will make the trip more expensive for the other girls). The trip is currently being planned for August 22-24, so there's still 4 months to go but, again, the hotel is already booked.

CN: Bar-hopping bachelorette has turned into 3 day OOT bachelorette trip that will ultimately cost me $200-$300+ (gas, lodging, cabs, food, bar cover charges, etc.) that I will also have to take an unpaid day off work. Hotel has already been booked and I had initially agreed to go (with being quoted it costing about $100), but it is quickly becoming overwhelmingly expensive for me. I would be the only BM not going. Trip is set to take place in a little over 4 months.

lyndausvi · April 2014

I doubt I would go. But I'm from a generation that b-parties were a night out on the town locally. Since I wasnt local to my BM's I didn't even have one.

ZiggyZos · April 2014

I doubt I would go. But I'm from a generation that b-parties were a night out on the town locally. Since I wasnt local to my BM's I didn't even have one.

STUCK IN BOX: I had sort of an informal one the Wednesday prior to my wedding when some of my BMs came into town. But it was orchestrated by the bride in this OOT scenario. I think that's part of why I'm so torn; she wasn't a BM in my wedding and still went out of her way to get balloons, a sash, some cupcakes, etc. to turn the informal "girl's night out" I had into some semblance of a bach. party. If she was going with the original plan of bar-hopping locally (or even in the city), I'd be all about it. It's just the extended weekend OOT and the fact that I have already agreed to go/split expenses that I'm having issues with.

Inkdancer · April 2014

I'd skip. No way am I taking off work just to go to a party.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

I would skip it and then just treat the bride to dinner one night, just the two of us.

delujm0 · April 2014

if you can't swing it you can't swing it. if the bride wants an OOT bachelorette party she has to accept that some people won't be able to make it.

i had an OOT b-party and two of my 4 BMs didn't come (several non-BMs did come). I don't hold it against either of them - one had an infant at home and the other was out of the country for her job. No biggie. if you want to extend an olive branch, write them a check for the $100 that you originally committed to and give it to the MOH to use on the Bride's drinks/dinner/whatever since you can't attend. this sounds like a terrible trip (i don't stay in poorly rated hotels...eew), so i'd personally give them $100 to leave me out of it without even thinking twice.

ZiggyZos · April 2014

In my gut, I think skipping it is probably the best bet. My next question then becomes what is the most tactful way to back out? Talk to the bride? Talk to the MOH?

We've done most of the planning thus far via group text with the bride and all 4 of us BMs. The MOH reserved the hotel room on her credit card.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

Inkdancer said:

I'd skip. No way am I taking off work just to go to a party.

Yeah, no way in hell I'd take an unpaid day off of work for anything other than an emergency. And no way in hell I'd stay at a roach motel. Not happening.

Decline this trip, and bean dip, bean dip, bean dip when they pester you about "OMG Why?!"

Maggie0829 · April 2014

ZiggyZos said:

In my gut, I think skipping it is probably the best bet. My next question then becomes what is the most tactful way to back out? Talk to the bride? Talk to the MOH?

We've done most of the planning thus far via group text with the bride and all 4 of us BMs. The MOH reserved the hotel room on her credit card.

I would talk to both. Let the MOH know that you will be unable to make it and then call the bride up and apologize for not being able to make her party.

But I would be a little weary that they may still want room payment from you since everything is already booked. Which is kind of understandable since it seems like you agreed and are now backing out.

twotimemob · April 2014

I agree with delujm0 - donate $100 to the party and bow out.

ZiggyZos · April 2014

I understand if they still want me to front my portion of the hotel. It worked out to be about $51 per person, so me not going will add about $12 to each girl's total. I'll be a little irritated to be spending $50+ on a trip I'm not even taking, but again, I understand since I did initially agree to go. But then would I also be on the hook for my portion of gas expenses for them to get there/back?

Would you all be honest and say "It's the expense"? Or should I fib and say that the girl who was supposed to cover my shift at work is unable to (as there is only one person at work who can cover for me when I take time off)?

blabla89 · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

I would skip it and then just treat the bride to dinner one night, just the two of us.

Yes. I would also let the MOH know that since the plans have gotten so expensive and there was no set budget agreed upon beforehand, you won't be able to go.

JCbride2015 · April 2014

ZiggyZos said:

I understand if they still want me to front my portion of the hotel. It worked out to be about $51 per person, so me not going will add about $12 to each girl's total. I'll be a little irritated to be spending $50+ on a trip I'm not even taking, but again, I understand since I did initially agree to go. But then would I also be on the hook for my portion of gas expenses for them to get there/back?

Would you all be honest and say "It's the expense"? Or should I fib and say that the girl who was supposed to cover my shift at work is unable to (as there is only one person at work who can cover for me when I take time off)?

If it were me, I would avoid giving too many reasons because that gives an opening for them to argue with you or try to solve your problem. And I wouldn't lie. If you want to give a reason, say you just can't afford the trip. Don't tell them what else you'll spend the money on, as it's none of their business.

I had to decline a bach party for similar reasons. I said I had to work that weekend* and I could not afford the trip. Both true. I did not explain that I could request off of work but that would mean I can't take time off for other things, or that I could save up the money but that would mean less money in the budget for nights out and our own wedding saving. Just KISS.

*ETF typo

RebeccaFlower · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

I would skip it and then just treat the bride to dinner one night, just the two of us.

This. I don't understand why so many bach parties have become such big productions! What happened to dinner and drinks downtown? Even if I had the money, a three day thing would not be my idea of fun.

SP29 · April 2014

I would talk to both and bride and the MOH.

I would tell them something along the lines that you've looked at your budget again, and the trip is turning out to cost more than you expected it would, so you can't swing it.

As for covering the bill, I think it would to fair to cover your share of whatever you had initially agreed to (but not anything that was added). If that's the case, it goes "towards" the bride's dinner and drinks.

I'm not really into the destination bach party either. I also wouldn't take an unpaid day off work either.

JellyBean52513 · April 2014

ZiggyZos said: I understand if they still want me to front my portion of the hotel. It worked out to be about $51 per person, so me not going will add about $12 to each girl's total. I'll be a little irritated to be spending $50+ on a trip I'm not even taking, but again, I understand since I did initially agree to go. But then would I also be on the hook for my portion of gas expenses for them to get there/back?
Would you all be honest and say "It's the expense"? Or should I fib and say that the girl who was supposed to cover my shift at work is unable to (as there is only one person at work who can cover for me when I take time off)?
--------------------
I just kinda-sorta had to deal with this myself; I sent my RSVP declining my boss's wedding last week and not only did she ask my co-worker about it, but she called me from home when she got the RSVP to ask "What happened?" and then brought it up again at work few days later, wanting to know why. I told her that I knew my SO was going to be busy with his job that I help him with that weekend, so I didn't want to sit on the RSVP when I knew I wouldn't be available. He may very well have a gig that weekend, but really as long as he's alive and breathing then that's who I'll be spending my weekend with.

I typically don't condone lying, but for something like this, fib if you feel you have to. You can tell the MOH and the bride that you're really sorry, but things have come up and you know you aren't going to be able to make it that weekend. If they press you to explain exactly what has "come up," tell them you don't really want to get into it, it's not a big deal, you just know that you'll no longer be available.

Edited because the box sucks

phira · April 2014

I agree with previous posters. Let the MOH know you can't make it, and then call up the bride and offer to take her out since you can't make it. Do not pay for your hypothetical share of the party.

When asked, if you are asked, why you can't make it, come up with a reason that is simple, and does not invite prying. And then practice (before you let them know you can't make it) repeating the reason, along with what you'll say when people ask further. Like @JellyBean52513 says, just say, "Something has come up and I cannot make it," and then when they press further, "I'm really sorry, but it's personal, and I'd prefer not to take about it," and then change the subject or end the conversation ("Ugh, sorry, I have to go, I think I might have diarrhea.")

lc07 · April 2014

Sorry but 5 women in one hotel room is at LEAST one person too many. Frankly, it's 3 too many IMO. I would decline now and I would not offer to pay for my portion of the hotel room. As far as I'm aware, hotel rooms can be canceled without penalty 24 or 48 hours in advance of the reservation. If it becomes too expensive for everyone else without you there they can make alternate plans.

KittyKaty20 · April 2014

I would do as PP suggested and take the bride out on your own-dinner, spa day, whatever you feel comfortable doing.

Also, just like wedding invites, this Bride having thrown you a party when "she wasn't a BM"=/= you attending a party for her that is out of your budget/comfort zone. I assume you thanked her appropriately back then, and that is enough.

Simply Fated · April 2014

I agree that this is something I would be turning down, as well. I think you should do it sooner, rather than later. They are basing their costs on you attending and financially contributing. So, telling them now will be better than waiting so they can rework their budget. I think you might be out $50, but think of how much you'll be saving in the long run. I don't think you should pay more than the hotel expense. I also don't think you should outright lie. Don't give a reason. If they ask, tell them the truth, but don't go into detail. You don't have to. Your finances are none of their business.

I like the idea of taking her out another time.

vk2204 · April 2014

I was in a similar situation; except they wanted to do 3-5 nights and they wanted to go 3 weeks before Christmas. There was absolutely no way I could afford to take all that time off of work. I would tell them you are saving days off for both of the weddings you are standing up in and you cannot miss work.

kaos16 · April 2014

I once rsvp'ed yes to a bachelorette party, then the MOH started changing and adding things until the price increased by about $200. I called her and said "I'm sorry, I would love to be there but the plans have become cost prohibitive for me". That's it. I then texted the bride after the fact, in case some plans were still a surprise, and told her that it looked like she had a great time and that I'd love to take her out to dinner to celebrate the upcoming wedding since I wasn't able to attend the party. It worked in my case!

[Deleted User] · April 2014

I would tell MOH ASAP that you so that they know and the rest can adjust their costs accordingly since the expenses will be divided up over fewer people. Nothing wrong with changing your mind, but just let them know so they can plan. Plus chances are, they can still get a refund on the hotel if they change their mind.

trulymarvelous · April 2014

Count me on the side of not going. It doesn't matter if it's "only" $200-$300 for the bachelorette weekend (this is no longer a party, this is a mini "vacation" at this point). What matters is if the cost is too much for you.

If this would cause a financial hardship for you and your DH, don't go. Put your hard earned money towards your anniversary trip.

Maggie0829's idea of taking the bride out to a nice dinner as a way to do something nice for her.

I also agree with PP's that you would want to tell the MOH as soon as possible that you will not be attending so they can either think of something that's more budget friendly (Heck, maybe the other BM's are thinking the same thing you are!), or they will be prepared to save a little bit more to make up for you not going.

Either way, don't feel bad for not being able to go. Budgeting sucks, but it's reality, which it seems you understand. I've recently had to turn down a big Las Vegas trip for a friends birthday. I'd love to go, and it sounds fun - but I have debts to settle and then a big move and wedding to save for. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I have my financial priorities and I trust that my friend will not begrudge me for that

ZiggyZos · April 2014

Thank you everyone for the advice. DH and I talked last night and he was really trying to be supportive of me going, saying that we'd make it work. I just don't know that it's worth it. Not only do we already have two trips planned for us this year (one to visit my dad out of state for the first time in 3 years, plus our anniversary trip), but we are upgrading our electric AND need a new roof with the house. Plus a plethora of other little things (yay owning a home!) that we are really trying to budget for.

To throw a kink even further into things, I talked yesterday to the bride for the other wedding I'm in this fall and they, too, want to do an OOT trip. However, they want to do a weekend (leave Friday after work, come home Sunday) a few hours away as a couples trip, and only if we can get good hotel deals on Groupon or something. It seems a lot more cost effective AND DH would be going. But I do feel odd turning down one OOT pre-wedding party and attending another.

However, I do think I'll let the MOH for the Nashville bachelorette know today that I don't think I can make it and then I'll call the bride and offer a girls' day for just the two of us to make it up to her.

climbingsingle · April 2014

The matching shirts are enough for me to decline! I'd skip it.

carliealissa · April 2014

Wow, unrelated to your issue, but I am amazed they have planned this trip for $200-300 a person for 5 girls.. do you live close to Nashville? I don't think I've ever gotten off that easy with a local bachelorette.

I would just tell them that unfortunately the price has grown beyond what you agreed to and are able to pay- that's probably more understandable than any other excuse you might make up.

ZiggyZos · April 2014

carliealissa said:

Wow, unrelated to your issue, but I am amazed they have planned this trip for $200-300 a person for 5 girls.. do you live close to Nashville? I don't think I've ever gotten off that easy with a local bachelorette.
I would just tell them that unfortunately the price has grown beyond what you agreed to and are able to pay- that's probably more understandable than any other excuse you might make up.

We're an 8 hour (one-way) drive from Nashville. I admit I got swept up in the "excitement" of an OOT trip to somewhere I've never been at first. Especially when the costs were broken down as "$12-15 per girl per night" for hotel and "only a few tanks of gas".

The idea that a bachelorette - local or otherwise - should regularly cost hundreds of dollars blows my mind. My "bachelorette" was just a girls' night out to go dancing at a local country bar... we stayed at my house a mile away and I paid for my own cover AND all of my own drinks. I'd be surprised if any of my girlfriends spent more than $30-$40, and that was mostly on drinks for themselves.

iloveotters2014 · April 2014

Attending a bachelorette party isnt a requirement. I'm sure the bride will be understanding that you are unable to attend now. 2 of my bridesmaids couldn't attend the bachelorette and it was no biggie. They were both from another state so I figured it would happen anyway.

I think it's a little crazy that the MOH booked the hotels before figuring out final costs for everything. She should have worked out a final budget and confirmed with everyone before booking anything.

I personally don't see anything wrong with OOT bachelorette's as long as they don't require taking unpaid time off, and costing everyone a fortune. Ones were people have to get plane tickets I think are a little nuts. But a small weekend away with some drinking sounds pretty awesome to me.

lyndausvi · April 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

The matching shirts are enough for me to decline! I'd skip it.

ME TOO!

carliealissa · April 2014

Going to a local bar for dancing and drinks sounds fun, but for me would just be like any other night out and nothing special.

My friends are throwing me one that involves flying. Most of the girls are pumped to come, others have other obligations or possibly they don't want to spend the money. It's probably going to be $700+ per person. At the same time, I think everyone's looking at this as a friend's vacation, not as though they are spending the money on me- it's not going to be me me me the whole time (God I certainly hope not). I guess in my circle destination weekends are also the norm for bachelor/bachelorette parties.

Ditto other posters though, I don't think this should be a huge deal. Explain why you can no longer go. You can offer to still contribute the $50 as a peace offering if it's a big issue.

WWED? OOT Bachelorette Party

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