Engaged but not really engaged....should I be planning?

futuremrsm515 · April 2014

Well my boyfriend/fiance and I have been dating for a over a year now and we plan to be married. Last month in March we went to Las Vegas on vacation and randomly ended up ring shopping. We found THE most beautiful engagement ring! It's a 2.5 solitare in a Tiffany setting which is what I've always wanted. My boyfriend/fiance put a deposit on the ring and is currently making payments. I am clueless as to when it will be paid in full and I will get the "official" proposal on bended knee with ring in hang. By no means am I anxious about waiting as I am certain he will get it in due time. Even before he purchases a ring, we already began loosely discussing wedding plans etc. My boyfriend often states that he feels that we are already engaged and that I shoul go ahead with researching/planning. I wanted to wait until things were "official", however, we want to get married on 5/15/15 which doesnt give me much wiggle room with time to wait. I see that being a pretty popular date so securing a venue is crutial. With that being said, would you wait to get a ring before proceeding with planning?!

KatWAG · April 2014

MizzLeeLee13 said:

Well my boyfriend/fiance and I have been dating for a over a year now and we plan to be married. Last month in March we went to Las Vegas on vacation and randomly ended up ring shopping. We found THE most beautiful engagement ring! It's a 2.5 solitare in a Tiffany setting which is what I've always wanted. My boyfriend/fiance put a deposit on the ring and is currently making payments. I am clueless as to when it will be paid in full and I will get the "official" proposal on bended knee with ring in hang. By no means am I anxious about waiting as I am certain he will get it in due time. Even before he purchases a ring, we already began loosely discussing wedding plans etc. My boyfriend often states that he feels that we are already engaged and that I shoul go ahead with researching/planning. I wanted to wait until things were "official", however, we want to get married on 5/15/15 which doesnt give me much wiggle room with time to wait. I see that being a pretty popular date so securing a venue is crutial. With that being said, would you wait to get a ring before proceeding with planning?!

I wouldnt wait for the ring but I would wait for a proposal. Even if its just a conversation stating you are now engaged. 5/15/15 is more than a year away and that is more than enough time to plan a wedding.

ETA: its IMHO that you should not take out a loan or make payments for a ring. Buy what you can afford. A piece of jewlery is not worth going into debt over. A Tiffany Setting solitare, 2.5 carat ring is 50k, so he might be making payments for a long time.

emmyg65 · April 2014

MizzLeeLee13 said:

Well my boyfriend/fiance and I have been dating for a over a year now and we plan to be married. Last month in March we went to Las Vegas on vacation and randomly ended up ring shopping. We found THE most beautiful engagement ring! It's a 2.5 solitare in a Tiffany setting which is what I've always wanted. My boyfriend/fiance put a deposit on the ring and is currently making payments. I am clueless as to when it will be paid in full and I will get the "official" proposal on bended knee with ring in hang. By no means am I anxious about waiting as I am certain he will get it in due time. Even before he purchases a ring, we already began loosely discussing wedding plans etc. My boyfriend often states that he feels that we are already engaged and that I shoul go ahead with researching/planning. I wanted to wait until things were "official", however, we want to get married on 5/15/15 which doesnt give me much wiggle room with time to wait. I see that being a pretty popular date so securing a venue is crutial. With that being said, would you wait to get a ring before proceeding with planning?!

Sounds to me like you're already engaged, but it's worth a conversation just to clarify. A ring does not equal an engagement, so no, I wouldn't wait for one. And I agree with KatWAG about debt and rings. It's so not worth it.

KeptInStitches · April 2014

If you don't feel engaged without a proposal, tell him that. Also, you don't have to have a ring to be engaged.

fourtsixand2 · April 2014

No. You call him your boyfriend/fiance, but the fact is, if he hasn't asked you, he's just your boyfriend. You are free to start planning whatever you want, but why not wait until the deed is actually done? Anything can happen between now and then.

I understand being eager to get married, but I feel like going all out in planning a wedding to a man who hasn't proposed is a little presumptuous. Just my opinion!

Aside from that, don't risk freaking him out with wedding planning before he's even asked. I know plenty of guys who panic when the words 'wedding planning' are mentioned.

I'm sure he loves and adores you, but why not save the planning for after he gets the chance to actually ask you?

futuremrsm515 · April 2014

Thanks for the feedback! Also, let me clarify on my ring. I should have wrote that it is a Tiffany "style" setting meaning it's not actually from Tiffany's. I was only giving the best description of the prong setting! Sooooo, my ring is not 50K its 11K and he is by no means taking out a loan to pay for it. I agree that a ring is not worth debt and neither is a wedding! We are way more financially responsible than that, lol. :-)

KatWAG · April 2014

MizzLeeLee13 said:

Thanks for the feedback! Also, let me clarify on my ring. I should have wrote that it is a Tiffany "style" setting meaning it's not actually from Tiffany's. I was only giving the best description of the prong setting! Sooooo, my ring is not 50K its 11K and he is by no means taking out a loan to pay for it. I agree that a ring is not worth debt and neither is a wedding! We are way more financially responsible than that, lol. :-)

So if he isnt taking out a loan then what is he making payments on?

Also, I would have a second/ independent party look at the diamond. 11k for 2.5 carats sounds way off, even if the color, clarity etc are lower quality.

futuremrsm515 · April 2014

I hear you fourtsixand2 but the truth is he brings up wedding talk more so than I do! lol. I definitely agree that some men can get freaked out etc. Marriage and a wedding is not something that I rub in his face or whisper in his ear daily. He has verbally said the words "will you marry me" on more than one occasion so there is no presumption in that regard. Thanks for the feedback!

futuremrsm515 · April 2014

He is making payments to the jeweler who is a friend of the family. Because of the family relationship we are getting a deal. The color, clarity etc are on point!

mbross3 · April 2014

Like PP have said, you don't need a ring to be engaged. You don't even need him to ask you--meaning you can ask him, or the two of you can just have an adult conversation about it. The only thing you need is to both be on the same page. If he thinks you're engaged, but you do not, that is not the same page. If you need the traditional-style proposal in order to feel engaged--that's perfectly fine but you need to tell him that so that you are, again, both on the same page. IMHO the one thing that means that a couple is engaged is that they both agree that they are engaged.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

If he has to make payments on a ring then that means that he cannot fully afford what he is buying and that maybe spending that much on a ring is probably not the best idea.

Also, you do not need a proposal or a ring to determine that you are engaged. All you need is to have an adult conversation with your boyfriend and decide together what is best for the both of you. If that means moving along with planning a wedding, great. If that means waiting until he can fully afford a ring without a payment plan and propose to you in the traditional way then great.

futuremrsm515 · April 2014

Thanks for the feedback!

It is not rare for people to make payments on purchases....especially on jewelry. Most of these chain jewelry stores thrive of credit and payment plans. That doesn't me a they can't afford what they are purchasing. My boyfriend and I are both have good jobs, are financially stable meaning we both own homes and cars etc.

I was merely soliciting feedback on whether or not to begin planning not the value or affordability of my ring.

fourtsixand2 · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

If he has to make payments on a ring then that means that he cannot fully afford what he is buying and that maybe spending that much on a ring is probably not the best idea.

Also, you do not need a proposal or a ring to determine that you are engaged. All you need is to have an adult conversation with your boyfriend and decide together what is best for the both of you. If that means moving along with planning a wedding, great. If that means waiting until he can fully afford a ring without a payment plan and propose to you in the traditional way then great.

I agree with your 2nd statement that the conversation is all that is really needed.

However, I don't agree with the rest (OK to agree to disagree). I was proposed to without a ring because FI wanted me to get exactly what I wanted to wear for the rest of my life. We also had it made, so we put several payments down on it before it was finally purchased. Not everyone has a 'ring' fund set aside to pay off in full. I don't find anything wrong with financing a ring. We finance a car, or a student loan .... so not much different in my opinion.

KatWAG · April 2014

MizzLeeLee13 said:

Thanks for the feedback! It is not rare for people to make payments on purchases....especially on jewelry. Most of these chain jewelry stores thrive of credit and payment plans. That doesn't me a they can't afford what they are purchasing. My boyfriend and I are both have good jobs, are financially stable meaning we both own homes and cars etc. I was merely soliciting feedback on whether or not to begin planning not the value or affordability of my ring.

Just because payment plans are offered doesnt make it a fiscally wise decision. And yes stores do thrive on payment plans because you end up paying more for the jewelry than the orignal cost (i.e. interest) And FTW, "financially stable" and being fiscally responsible are not the same.

You were the one who decide to boast about your 2.5 carat ring. I merely pointed out how much a 2.5 carat ring costs and that payments plans arent wise.

And, to me, since you are calling your SO "your boyfriend" means you arent engaged. If you were both on the same page, you would be calling him your Fi.

futuremrsm515 · April 2014

I love that you are so passionate with your responses! Lol. It's cool, everyone is entitled to their opinion because it's just that...an opinion. Is stating that we found the ring of my dreams boasting? There are tons of posts on this site where women share the details of their ring...does that mean they are boasting?! Why can't it merely be someone sharing their excitement amoung other future brides? If the only thing you paid attention to was the statement regarding my ring then you totally missed the point of my post. If it makes you feel better to point out that that I refer to him as my boyfriend therefore he is not my fiancé....sobeit. At the end of the day he is the man who will be my husband!
I thought this was an environment for sharing, encouraging and uplifting, apparently not.

KatWAG · April 2014

MizzLeeLee13 said:

I love that you are so passionate with your responses! Lol. It's cool, everyone is entitled to their opinion because it's just that...an opinion. Is stating that we found the ring of my dreams boasting? There are tons of posts on this site where women share the details of their ring...does that mean they are boasting?! Why can't it merely be someone sharing their excitement amoung other future brides? If the only thing you paid attention to was the statement regarding my ring then you totally missed the point of my post. If it makes you feel better to point out that that I refer to him as my boyfriend therefore he is not my fiancé....sobeit. At the end of the day he is the man who will be my husband! I thought this was an environment for sharing, encouraging and uplifting, apparently not.

Reading comprehension must not be your strong suite, since I addressed each aspect of your posts.

If you are looking for brides to blow rainbows and sparkles up your ass, try wedding wire.

LabLove86 · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

If he has to make payments on a ring then that means that he cannot fully afford what he is buying and that maybe spending that much on a ring is probably not the best idea.

Also, you do not need a proposal or a ring to determine that you are engaged. All you need is to have an adult conversation with your boyfriend and decide together what is best for the both of you. If that means moving along with planning a wedding, great. If that means waiting until he can fully afford a ring without a payment plan and propose to you in the traditional way then great.

I personally don't see the difference between saving for a ring, or making payments towards one. Either way you're putting money aside for it.

Don't get me wrong - I 100% think there should be an agreed upon/set budget and that needs to be respected. But it depends on what the couple wants to do - save for the ring before hand (if they have to) or pay it off while its on the finger.

futuremrsm515 · April 2014

I find you to be pretty amusing KatWAG. Lol! The fact that I have three degrees from two of the top universities in the country speaks volumes to my level of comprehension ma'am! Nice try though. :-) Have a great night

manateehugger · April 2014

LabLove86 said:

Maggie0829 said:

If he has to make payments on a ring then that means that he cannot fully afford what he is buying and that maybe spending that much on a ring is probably not the best idea.

Also, you do not need a proposal or a ring to determine that you are engaged. All you need is to have an adult conversation with your boyfriend and decide together what is best for the both of you. If that means moving along with planning a wedding, great. If that means waiting until he can fully afford a ring without a payment plan and propose to you in the traditional way then great.

I personally don't see the difference between saving for a ring, or making payments towards one. Either way you're putting money aside for it.

Don't get me wrong - I 100% think there should be an agreed upon/set budget and that needs to be respected. But it depends on what the couple wants to do - save for the ring before hand (if they have to) or pay it off while its on the finger.

You seriously don't see the difference between going in debt and saving?

LabLove86 · April 2014

PDKH said:

LabLove86 said:

Maggie0829 said:

If he has to make payments on a ring then that means that he cannot fully afford what he is buying and that maybe spending that much on a ring is probably not the best idea.

Also, you do not need a proposal or a ring to determine that you are engaged. All you need is to have an adult conversation with your boyfriend and decide together what is best for the both of you. If that means moving along with planning a wedding, great. If that means waiting until he can fully afford a ring without a payment plan and propose to you in the traditional way then great.

I personally don't see the difference between saving for a ring, or making payments towards one. Either way you're putting money aside for it.

Don't get me wrong - I 100% think there should be an agreed upon/set budget and that needs to be respected. But it depends on what the couple wants to do - save for the ring before hand (if they have to) or pay it off while its on the finger.

You seriously don't see the difference between going in debt and saving?

I think if you have the money to be putting aside and you decide to either make payments or set aside in savings its a personal decision - either way the cash is going towards the ring. If someone want to pay interest on top of whatever price thats that persons prerogative.

I personally would - and do - save. But I don't think couples are wrong for making payments.

CMGragain · April 2014

I do not understand the insistence of some brides on having a formal, down on his knees with ring in hand proposal. Has he asked you, "Will you marry me?" If he has, then you are engaged. If he hasn't then you aren't.
When we were in high school, my DH waited until the week before the Prom to ask me what color gown was I wearing, so he could buy a corsage. I looked at him in mock surprise, and said, "Well, since no one has asked me to go to the prom with him, I don't know." He was driving at the time, and he almost drove into a light pole. He was quite embarrassed that he had forgotten to ASK me! (1969, it was pink Chantilly lace.)

Maggie0829 · April 2014

LabLove86 said:

PDKH said:

LabLove86 said:

Maggie0829 said:

If he has to make payments on a ring then that means that he cannot fully afford what he is buying and that maybe spending that much on a ring is probably not the best idea.

Also, you do not need a proposal or a ring to determine that you are engaged. All you need is to have an adult conversation with your boyfriend and decide together what is best for the both of you. If that means moving along with planning a wedding, great. If that means waiting until he can fully afford a ring without a payment plan and propose to you in the traditional way then great.

I personally don't see the difference between saving for a ring, or making payments towards one. Either way you're putting money aside for it.

Don't get me wrong - I 100% think there should be an agreed upon/set budget and that needs to be respected. But it depends on what the couple wants to do - save for the ring before hand (if they have to) or pay it off while its on the finger.

You seriously don't see the difference between going in debt and saving?

I think if you have the money to be putting aside and you decide to either make payments or set aside in savings its a personal decision - either way the cash is going towards the ring. If someone want to pay interest on top of whatever price thats that persons prerogative.

I personally would - and do - save. But I don't think couples are wrong for making payments.

But if you are on a payment plan that does not offer 0% interest for a certain length of time then you are paying more for that piece of jewelry then what was listed. Why would anyone want to pay more for something if they can just put the money aside in a savings account or other bank account (where you can actually make money with dividends) and then when they have enough pay for the ring all at once.

Having to take out a payment plan = going into debt.

Saving money each month and placing it in the bank for safe keeping = not going into debt.

There are few things that one should voluntarily go into debt for and buying a ring is not one of them.

buddysmom80 · April 2014

Just to chime in, payment plans are not 0% interest in you're late on your payment or miss a payment. Anything can happen in six months-year. And if you're late, these stores have no problems putting that on your credit report and charging you up the ass in interest.

FI saved for a ring by putting the money in a savings account and some in the stock market. When he had enough saved, he bought it. I would've been pissed if he put a ring on credit.

OP, just talk to your BF, you don't need to have a grand gesture of a proposal. Also, for someone who went to a state college (me), I know the difference between saving and going into debt, you should too if you're so smart.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

MizzLeeLee13 said:

Thanks for the feedback! It is not rare for people to make payments on purchases....especially on jewelry. Most of these chain jewelry stores thrive of credit and payment plans. That doesn't me a they can't afford what they are purchasing. My boyfriend and I are both have good jobs, are financially stable meaning we both own homes and cars etc. I was merely soliciting feedback on whether or not to begin planning not the value or affordability of my ring.

Yes, because they pressure people into buying things they can't afford, so they have to finance their purchase through the store and they end up paying interest on their purchase and therefore end up paying more for the jewelry than the sale price.

People that can afford to buy things do so outright. Meaning they just drop the 11K and then go home with the ring.

If you guys are using a payment plan for the ring itself, I would caution you to perhaps hold off on setting a date for your wedding until you figure out what your budget is going to be and how long it's going to take you to save up that amount.

Don't get stuck on an arbitrary date just because it sounds cute. A date doesn't actually matter until you are married, and then it holds significance because that is now your wedding date.

Kauris · April 2014

There is something else to be said about saving for a ring instead of using a payment plan, my FI paid cash and received a considerable discount because he did. So while he was saving, he was earning interest and then, saved more because he had all of said amount in a cashier's check.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

MizzLeeLee13 said:

I find you to be pretty amusing KatWAG. Lol! The fact that I have three degrees from two of the top universities in the country speaks volumes to my level of comprehension ma'am! Nice try though. :-) Have a great night

Oh please, I hate when ppl try to throw vague credentials around. I'm a molecular biologist, that has nothing to do with anything here!

None of those 3 degrees seemed to have helped you understand @KatWAG's point, as evidenced by this post.

misshart00 · April 2014

Why don't you ask him to marry you?

foxish · April 2014

MizzLeeLee13 said:
I love that you are so passionate with your responses! Lol. It's cool, everyone is entitled to their opinion because it's just that...an opinion. Is stating that we found the ring of my dreams boasting? There are tons of posts on this site where women share the details of their ring...does that mean they are boasting?! Why can't it merely be someone sharing their excitement amoung other future brides? If the only thing you paid attention to was the statement regarding my ring then you totally missed the point of my post. If it makes you feel better to point out that that I refer to him as my boyfriend therefore he is not my fiancé....sobeit. At the end of the day he is the man who will be my husband!
I thought this was an environment for sharing, encouraging and uplifting, apparently not.

I must need to get more of those fancy degrees you have because I just don't understand how you turned a phrase into a single word. But maybe you have a degree in that. But what do I know? Or whatdoiknow?

This is a place for sharing, and you shared. The ring is obviously important to you. The date is important to you. Planning ASAP is important to you. Unfortunately, not all of these things can be accomplished. Either talk to your fiancé about agreeing to be engaged officially without a ring and plan now for your dream date or wait for the official proposal with the ring which could take months to happen and be flexible on the date so you have enough time to plan.

There's absolutely no reason to rush wedding planning because of a cute date, and you're likely to find hiked up prices because of it. We got married in the fall and spent the money we saved on a really lovely honeymoon. The memories were worth much more than a date. And our wedding date is special and memorable because it's the day we got married! Also, we never forget it because it's our digital content password for streaming stuff.

LabLove86 · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

LabLove86 said:

PDKH said:

LabLove86 said:

Maggie0829 said:

If he has to make payments on a ring then that means that he cannot fully afford what he is buying and that maybe spending that much on a ring is probably not the best idea.

Also, you do not need a proposal or a ring to determine that you are engaged. All you need is to have an adult conversation with your boyfriend and decide together what is best for the both of you. If that means moving along with planning a wedding, great. If that means waiting until he can fully afford a ring without a payment plan and propose to you in the traditional way then great.

I personally don't see the difference between saving for a ring, or making payments towards one. Either way you're putting money aside for it.

Don't get me wrong - I 100% think there should be an agreed upon/set budget and that needs to be respected. But it depends on what the couple wants to do - save for the ring before hand (if they have to) or pay it off while its on the finger.

You seriously don't see the difference between going in debt and saving?

I think if you have the money to be putting aside and you decide to either make payments or set aside in savings its a personal decision - either way the cash is going towards the ring. If someone want to pay interest on top of whatever price thats that persons prerogative.

I personally would - and do - save. But I don't think couples are wrong for making payments.

But if you are on a payment plan that does not offer 0% interest for a certain length of time then you are paying more for that piece of jewelry then what was listed. Why would anyone want to pay more for something if they can just put the money aside in a savings account or other bank account (where you can actually make money with dividends) and then when they have enough pay for the ring all at once.

Having to take out a payment plan = going into debt.

Saving money each month and placing it in the bank for safe keeping = not going into debt.

There are few things that one should voluntarily go into debt for and buying a ring is not one of them.

I dont disagree with anything that you're saying - I also said that I would prefer to save . . . . but if someone wants take out a line of credit for a ring that is their own choice. As I have stated.

We may have to agree to disagree here. I don't think it is my responsibility to tell anyone what they should do with their money, or line of credit that they qualify for - unless it is tied to me and it effects me (Then yes, I will have a say). Finances and how the are handled are personal within each relationship, and the couple should decide what works for them.

And just FWIW - I am a very financially responsible person. I have never paid a bill more than 15 days late (and this was years ago. . . Like more than 10 yrs ago), my credit card balance is less than 10% of my limit, and I have my car loan and student loans. BF and I have already talked about the fact that for our eventual wedding I'll have to put some of the charges onto my open credit - and I'm ok with that - because I"m going to be able to make the payments and get back down to under 10%. And that is for something that will be one day. Not a ring that in theory would be worn/used every day.

LabLove86 · April 2014

TwoDimes said:

KatWAG said:

MizzLeeLee13 said:

Thanks for the feedback! It is not rare for people to make payments on purchases....especially on jewelry. Most of these chain jewelry stores thrive of credit and payment plans. That doesn't me a they can't afford what they are purchasing. My boyfriend and I are both have good jobs, are financially stable meaning we both own homes and cars etc. I was merely soliciting feedback on whether or not to begin planning not the value or affordability of my ring.

Just because payment plans are offered doesnt make it a fiscally wise decision. And yes stores do thrive on payment plans because you end up paying more for the jewelry than the orignal cost (i.e. interest) And FTW, "financially stable" and being fiscally responsible are not the same.

You were the one who decide to boast about your 2.5 carat ring. I merely pointed out how much a 2.5 carat ring costs and that payments plans arent wise.

And, to me, since you are calling your SO "your boyfriend" means you arent engaged. If you were both on the same page, you would be calling him your Fi.

Just wanting to play devil's advocate here, and I am by NO means saying that this is what OP is doing, but:

Don't some jewelry stores offer "payment plans" at 0% interest? Meaning that you would NOT be paying more than the original cost of the ring, you'd be paying exactly the original cost of the ring, just over 6-12 months rather than immediately. Say for example, John has a $6,000 budget for an engagement ring for his SO. He can afford to pay the $6,000 today, but the jewelry store offers to spread the cost out over 6 monthly payments of $1,000 with 0% interest. I don't see the harm in taking that offer (unless I'm missing something...).

Disclaimer: I don't think that the above described situation should encourage anyone to buy more ring than they can afford at the time. Even if you CAN spread payments out, that doesn't give you liberty to spend more than you can afford today.

ETA - I agree that no one should go into debt for a ring.

Pretty much what I was trying to say - and just to clarify - I do agree with everything @TwoDimes has said - set a reasonable budget and stick to it.

futuremrsm515 · April 2014

Kudos for being a molecular biologist PrettyGirlLost! I don't hate....I congratulate.

Foxish I referenced Merriam-Webster for you-

so·be·it

conjunction \sōˈbēə̇t\

Full Definition of SOBEIT

archaic

: provided that : as long as : if <the heart of his friend cared little whither he went sobeit he were not too much alone — H.W.Longfellow>

Origin of SOBEIT

fr. the phrase so be it

Engaged but not really engaged....should I be planning?

Re: Engaged but not really engaged....should I be planning?

so·be·it

Full Definition of SOBEIT

Origin of SOBEIT

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