Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Woes
Wedding Woes
New Discussion

If you're not paying, you get no say

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I were not able to save for our kids’ college educations. My older son went to community college and most of it was paid for with grants and scholarships. Now my younger son is a senior in high school and has his heart set on an expensive private school. Call us naive, but to say we have sticker shock would be an understatement. Even though he was given a very generous package and is pursuing scholarships, it will still cost $30,000 a year, $120,000 over the four years. If he were to borrow this money it would leave him with crippling debt. We are not in the position to pay this or take on the loans ourselves. We want him to live at home, go for two years to a public university satellite campus, then move to the main campus as a junior for a total cost of about $50,000. Our state university is one of the top public universities in the country. My husband’s family thinks we are doing him a great disservice by not co-signing for his loans or taking them ourselves. Are we short-changing our son?

—Best Degree
Report Reply to Post

Re: If you're not paying, you get no say

  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Why do people get so caught up on names? Yes, it would be a great accomplishment to attend a ivy league school, but why would he want to put his parents or himself in major debt to do so.
    image
    Report Reply
  • dharmabunnydharmabunny member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    From someone that's over educated to sh!t...don't waste excessive $$ on undergrad name brand.

    The brand isn't going to open THAT many doors. You're still just an undergrad with minimal experience.

    The main exception. Academia and tenure track jobs. But the dynamic is a bit different in advanced degrees anyways.
    imageAlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
    Report Reply
  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    If the student - who's an adult - wants to take out those loans, fine. I think he should listen to his parents, too, but that's not the LW's question. Her husband's family thinks she and her husband should take on the debt *themselves*. 

    Hell. No. 

    When did it become standard for parents to pay for college educations? I didn't know anyone whose parents were paying for their schooling when I was in college. But I see the assumption everywhere - and have had people look at me like I told them I eat babies when I say that no, we are not going to pay for Bacon's education. Will I feed and house her? Sure. Will I help her with smaller things? Of course. But the bulk of the cost should be on the student - it will make them either value the education *or* discover what's actually a better path for themselves. 

    TL;DR: LW's husband's family can STFU. 
    image
    Report Reply
  • emmyg65emmyg65 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    The high schooler is an adult, but at that age, most people don't have much concept of money and debt, and they don't realize what an impact major debt can make on their lives. So it's the parents' job (or other adult) to help the young person understand that so he or she can make a more informed decision. 
    Report Reply
  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    It is the parent's job to make sure the kid knows what he's getting himself into. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    Report Reply
  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yeah, it sounds like they've done that. Or tried to, at any rate. They can't *make* him do it the way they'd prefer. 
    image
    Report Reply
  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    6fsn said:
    There is also a middle ground between living at home for 2 years and going to a $$$$$$ school.  I would have HATED living at home until I was a junior.  If my parents had said stay home or take out loans I would have been signing on the dotted line to be gone.  I love my parents but I was ready to be free of their shadow.
    Yes.
    Living w/ other peopel is hard and makes it hard to stretch wings.
    If I'm still working where I currently work (who knows.  That's not exactly the plan, but, who knows?), I'll be pushing for Buffy to take classes (free, yay!) here. ( But figuring out where she can live safely will be an issue.  the housing and commuting budget will be higher because she's not allowed to live w/i walking distance)
    Report Reply
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Yes, we should be able to pay for any in state school.  If they pick DH's there will be more money for housing. If they want to go Ivy league it's partially on their dime.  I refuse to give up my retirement for their college though.
    Report Reply
  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2014
    I paid (paying) for my entire education. I got accepted into several schools and choose the most affordable in state 4 year college and lived on campus my first 2 years and had an apartment off campus my second 2 years. I had to pay rent and groceries since I no longer had a meal plan, so i had a job to help make ends meet. It has now been 5 years since I graduated and I still have another 5 years to pay.... I would do it all again in a heartbeat for the experiences and education I received. I am proud to say I did this all on my own.
    image


    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2014
    I paid for my own education all the way.  Fi's parents paid for everything except the subsidized Stafford loans, which are in his name.  I think the way Fi's parents did it is great if you have the money.  He has a manageable amount of low-interest, subsidized debt.  So he has personal responsibility for his education without being crippled by the full cost.

    ETA: I should point out that FPILs did not put themselves into debt.  They paid whatever portion they chose to pay, with cash.  I don't think parents should take on student loan debt for their kids.  Retirement savings are more important at that age.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    Report Reply
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    baconsmom said:
    If the student - who's an adult - wants to take out those loans, fine. I think he should listen to his parents, too, but that's not the LW's question. Her husband's family thinks she and her husband should take on the debt *themselves*. 

    Hell. No. 

    When did it become standard for parents to pay for college educations? I didn't know anyone whose parents were paying for their schooling when I was in college. But I see the assumption everywhere - and have had people look at me like I told them I eat babies when I say that no, we are not going to pay for Bacon's education. Will I feed and house her? Sure. Will I help her with smaller things? Of course. But the bulk of the cost should be on the student - it will make them either value the education *or* discover what's actually a better path for themselves. 

    TL;DR: LW's husband's family can STFU. 
    Preach it!  It does make you value your education to pay for it, and the responsibility is big, but it can teach you just as much as the education. 

    Report Reply
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'm pretty sure my siblings and I value our education just as much as someone who's parents didn't pay.  Maybe we aren't the norm though.
    Report Reply
  • emmyg65emmyg65 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    My parents paid for a large chunk of my education, but expected me to pay for a sizable share of it as well. I'm so grateful that I have minimal debt, but the share I do have made me take more responsibility for my choices. We plan to do the same with our children.
    Report Reply
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    My sister and I were fortunate that our parents paid for the bulk of our education/housing at a state university. Since my sister and I had a year and a half overlap in college, we both took small student loans (in our names) to cover the remainder. Both of us lived on campus through Jr. year, and lived at home beyond that. (No housing for Sr.+) We both had contributed to our college funds with money earned in HS/summer jobs, and scholarships, and paid for things like books/class fees/etc. 

    DK's parents fully covered undergrad for him and his 2 sisters (his brother was skipping classes/not doing well, so they stopped paying for him.)

    DK and I plan to try and cover Wolverine's undergrad, but the support will be conditional (eg. good GPA, "useful/marketable" major, "reasonable" cost.) If she wants to go Ivy League for Underwater Basket-weaving, she's on her own. We'll advise against, but if she's an adult, and she is paying, she can make her own choice. 
    Report Reply
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I wonder if the kid would agree to a cheaper school if the parents weren't hell-bent on him spending the first two years still living with them like a high school kid.
    image
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards