Changing your name?

redwoodoriginal · April 2014

Hi ladies, I've been struggling with whether or not to change my name to my FI's after we get married in July and I was wondering how you all came to the decision- whether you chose to change it or not. I know it's ultimately a personal decision but I just don't feel a strong pull to do so, but also don't feel a strong pull to NOT do so. I was wondering what, if anything, pulled you in one direction or another.

KeptInStitches · April 2014

Several things. I'm getting my doctorate (eventually) and have already professionally established myself under my maiden name. I don't have a strong attachment to taking his name. And I just don't want to.

WinstonsGirl · April 2014

I didn't want to change my name. Maybe if I was younger and less attached to it professionally, I would have considered it, but I don't want to change it now. DH is from South America, where you can't legally change your name when you get married (socially you can), so he was fine with it too, since that's what he's used to.

Couggal12 · April 2014

Right now I'm struggling with changing my name too. I love my last name. I am in grad school and plan on keeping it until I graduate because I want to publish my thesis in my maiden name. I get some flack for this or the occasional "well, okay.." from people but, it's not their name. It's mine. Eventually I think I will end up changing my name once we have kids but, that's awhile away.

In the end it's your choice. You don't have to change it right away. You have lots of time to think about it and decide if it's what YOU want. Some people also hyphenate their name or change their middle name to their maiden name.

netskyblue2 · April 2014

I'm changing my name because I want our family to have the same last name. The only time I would consider not changing it is if I *really* hated the guy's last name.

Cookie Pusher · April 2014

I've never wanted to change my name. We aren't planning on having children, and I am established in my career with my maiden name. And, well, sheer laziness. My last name has 2 letters. All of our log-ins for work are our first initial and last name, making mine 3 letters - and I don't want to go up to 8 letters. It's not a big deal to FI, so I'm not changing it. If I decide to in the future, that option is still available.

mysticl · April 2014

I did it. I guess because it's traditional. I wish I hadn't. There's no specific reason, it's just emotional. I've been married over 3 years and the new name still doesn't feel natural.

emmyg65 · April 2014

Basically, I just didn't want to change it. I like how it ties me to my family. I've established myself professionally with it. I think Western name-changing assumptions are sexist and gross. I didn't want to change my email or fill out a lot of paperwork. But mostly, I just didn't want to.

Swazzle · April 2014

I changed mine. I didn't have much of an attachment to my maiden name except I liked having double initials. I also wanted H and I to have the same last name and while overall, I'm not super traditional, I guess I was for this. I automatically type/write/sign/say my new name with no problem already.

phira · April 2014

My pieces of advice are:

1) No need to rush. If you're not sure, you can be not sure for a long time. You can always change it later if you want to. I've heard of people waiting till they have kids and then changing.

2) Go with your gut. You never need any reasons, honestly. "I want to change my name" and "I don't want to change my name" are reason enough to change or not.

A lot of people assumed (correctly) that I planned to keep my name as is. What irritates me is that they all explain why they assumed it: because I'm a feminist, because I'm published. As if feminists can't change their last names, or as if being published means you have to keep the name you were published with. I know plenty of feminists and published scientists (and feminist published scientists!) who changed their last names.

The reason I'm not changing my last name is because, frankly, I don't want to change it.

ElcaB · April 2014

I plan on changing mine. I like the thought of having the same last name as my husband and children.

princessleia22 · April 2014

I've had difficulty with this also. I've got an established career and professional licenses in my maiden name, so I'm hesitant to change because of my career. And part of me dreads that trouble it would be to just change it on EVERYTHING (banks, bills, work, e-mail addresses, EVERYTHING). I don't really have any pulls toward keeping for feminist reasons or really any strong ties to my maiden name. For me it's mainly just the complications of changing everything over. It's the same reason I rarely move and still have long distance phone number from before I moved 10 years, because it's such a pain to change everything (luckily cell phones have free long distance calling these days or keeping the out of area number wouldn't work). Plus, I do have a simpler name than FI, so I'll have to get used to correcting people on my name, which I've never had to deal with before.

But, FI feels pretty strongly about wanting me to take his name. And I know my dad is very traditional in thinking that woman should take husbands last name. It took him a long time to get over my SIL not changing name when she married my brother, even though she is a published medical researcher, so there were some definite professional complications for her... plus she comes from a culture where women keep maiden name. I've started resolving myself to idea of changing my name, because I know it means so much to FI. I've debated keeping maiden name legally and using his socially or possibly hyphenating, but he's still not thrilled with that either. I know it will be a complicated process to change everything, but I know I'm also not the first woman that's ever done it. And after a few months (or years), everything should be switched over and done with.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

KeptInStitches said:

Several things. I'm getting my doctorate (eventually) and have already professionally established myself under my maiden name. I don't have a strong attachment to taking his name. And I just don't want to.

All of this, except I am not getting a Ph.D.

SBmini · April 2014

I'm changing mine, but to be honest... I'm starting to regret making that decision. I always thought I would take my future husband's name. Mine is currently an uncommon spelling of a common name, that I'm not super attached to. However, my fiance's name is long and hard to pronounce, which made me question my decision. Then my fiance told me it was really important to him that I took the name... six years after we started dating.

So when we filed the marriage license I put his last name as my new last name... complete with the two h's, three i's, one k, one z and 12 total letters. Now people are telling me that I'm crazy and nuts for taking it! I know it isn't their decision but I can't help but not feel confident about my decision!

Now I'm trying to figure out just how much I'll change it. I.e. at work, I think I won't change it, because I don't want to have an email address that long. Facebook- thinking about First Name, Maiden Name, Last Name... and the vet? Do I change my dog's last name too? It's all a lot to do for a name!

mysticl · April 2014

nicoann said:

I've had difficulty with this also. I've got an established career and professional licenses in my maiden name, so I'm hesitant to change because of my career. And part of me dreads that trouble it would be to just change it on EVERYTHING (banks, bills, work, e-mail addresses, EVERYTHING). I don't really have any pulls toward keeping for feminist reasons or really any strong ties to my maiden name. For me it's mainly just the complications of changing everything over. It's the same reason I rarely move and still have long distance phone number from before I moved 10 years, because it's such a pain to change everything (luckily cell phones have free long distance calling these days or keeping the out of area number wouldn't work). Plus, I do have a simpler name than FI, so I'll have to get used to correcting people on my name, which I've never had to deal with before.
But, FI feels pretty strongly about wanting me to take his name. And I know my dad is very traditional in thinking that woman should take husbands last name. It took him a long time to get over my SIL not changing name when she married my brother, even though she is a published medical researcher, so there were some definite professional complications for her... plus she comes from a culture where women keep maiden name. I've started resolving myself to idea of changing my name, because I know it means so much to FI. I've debated keeping maiden name legally and using his socially or possibly hyphenating, but he's still not thrilled with that either. I know it will be a complicated process to change everything, but I know I'm also not the first woman that's ever done it. And after a few months (or years), everything should be switched over and done with.

You actually can't change it on everything. I have a loan that will forever contain my maiden name because it cannot be changed. If I talk to them on the phone they will call me Mrs. Married Name but all official paperwork contains my maiden name.

jphil0790 · April 2014

I always thought I would take my future husband's name and now with the wedding next week I am still confident in my decision.

It also means a lot to FI if I take his last name, I know it's my personal choice but I want to make him happy as well.

At work I am still going to use my maiden name but change all my personal documents (tax forms, SSA,etc.) to my married name. It would be too much work to change everything: documents we give clients, business cards, emails, etc.

Edited: had to put FI's opinion

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

I wanted to change my name. Then I met my FI with a name that is already hyphenated. I just dislike hyphenated names. I don't judge others for having them, but they just aren't for me. Added to that, his has a German last name in the US where people stare blankly and he then has to spell it. The hyphen just adds confusion.

But I talked to FI and asked him to consider changing his name. He considered it but decided it wasn't for him and he wasn't too adamant about me changing my name. It the last week, I have decided that sharing a last name is more important to me. So my maiden name will go to my middle name.

beachyone15 · April 2014

I always knew I would change my name. We are becoming a family unit and I want our last name to reflect that. I also never really liked my (maiden) last name anyway. Besides, I have a brother who can carry on the family name.

mbross3 · April 2014

It's completely your personal decision! You don't need to justify it at all, whatever you feel is enough.

Keep in mind, there's no right answer and everyone will be different.

I just want to stress that you can keep your maiden name and still have the same name as your family/children. A lot of PP list having the same name as their family unit as one of the reasons for the change, but you could always give your children your last name (this is what I plan on doing) and you and your husband could hyphenate, he could take your last name, or you could both keep your own (or make a new one up!). Basically there are lots of options. Many people seem to assume that children will take their father's last name, but this does not have to be the case- it's only the "traditional" option. Do what is right for you!

jdluvr06 · April 2014

It is important for me to keep my name because it is my dad's last name and he died when I young. So I feel a connection to him because of the shared name. My FI decided to change his name to mine because it was important to him for us to have the same last name.

erinlin25 · April 2014

I changed mine and never thought twice. My maiden name will always be a part of me so I did not feel like I was losing anything; Many people still call me by my maiden name too (as a nickname). It was not a hassle for me at all to change it either. I spent a morning at SS and then DMV (get DMV appointment and you will be in and out). The bank took maybe 5 minutes and everything else (cc or account info) was pretty much done online.

JennyColada · April 2014

I think I will change my middle name to my maiden name and take Fi's last name. Our officiant, who changed her last name, mentioned wishing she'd done that as well.

In Cali, this process is not done as "name change by marriage", so it involves a little more paperwork, but it's what I feel comfortable with.

phira · April 2014

mbross3 said:

It's completely your personal decision! You don't need to justify it at all, whatever you feel is enough.

Keep in mind, there's no right answer and everyone will be different.

I just want to stress that you can keep your maiden name and still have the same name as your family/children. A lot of PP list having the same name as their family unit as one of the reasons for the change, but you could always give your children your last name (this is what I plan on doing) and you and your husband could hyphenate, he could take your last name, or you could both keep your own (or make a new one up!). Basically there are lots of options. Many people seem to assume that children will take their father's last name, but this does not have to be the case- it's only the "traditional" option. Do what is right for you!

This is what I think of whenever I heard the justification, "I want to have the same name as my kids," or, "I want to have one shared family name." Again, I want to stress that if you WANT to change your name, that's enough of a reason. You don't need additional justification. But having the same name as your kids doesn't mean you, a lady, have to change your name. Your partner can change their name to your and/or you can give your kids YOUR last name.

VulgarGirl · April 2014

I changed my last name when I turned 18. I had had my dad's last name after he married my mom. After they got divorced she changed her name back to her maiden name. Then my dad got remarried when I was a teenager and decided to take his new wife's name, he was adopting her sons but she didn't want to change their names, so taking her's made sense. So I got stuck with a last name that didn't belong to either of my parents and actually belonged to several family members who were not fans of mine. So I looked through a book, picked out a name, filed the paperwork, and changed it at 18. After all that, I don't want to change my name again. Plus I'm known under my name. But we talked about it and FI decided she would change her last name to mine because she wanted us to have the same name.

We discussed picking a new name together but opted against it. Because well like I said, I'd already changed mine once.

HobokensFury · April 2014

Although it's super common now I have a complex from having a different last name from my mom as a kid. I promised I would never do that to my children. Now that I have a son I'm super happy we all have the same last name.

gograce · April 2014

mysticl said:

I did it. I guess because it's traditional. I wish I hadn't. There's no specific reason, it's just emotional. I've been married over 3 years and the new name still doesn't feel natural.

I'm terrified of feeling this way. We're a little under eleven months away (I know, still a while to go), but I still can't help that this plays on my mind a lot. I write out what my married name will be, say it to myself, and it just doesn't roll off the tongue. My birth name and my first name+my mom's maiden name belong to me, but my future married name just doesn't feel like it'll be mine. I always imagined changing my name, but now I'm not sure I want to even though its really important to my fiance.

themuffinman16 · April 2014

I am keeping my name. I was named after my father, then the son he really wanted was born and he gave him his name as well. It made me feel like, because I was a girl, I didn't matter. I am keeping my name for myself and not my father. I do not judge anyone for changing their last name, but I feel like it is unfair that women have to take on a different identity, once they get married. It's like a bridal witness protection program. I have had my name for 35 years, it just seems odd to be known as someone else, this late in my life.

mysticl · April 2014

gograce said:

mysticl said:

I did it. I guess because it's traditional. I wish I hadn't. There's no specific reason, it's just emotional. I've been married over 3 years and the new name still doesn't feel natural.

I'm terrified of feeling this way. We're a little under eleven months away (I know, still a while to go), but I still can't help that this plays on my mind a lot. I write out what my married name will be, say it to myself, and it just doesn't roll off the tongue. My birth name and my first name+my mom's maiden name belong to me, but my future married name just doesn't feel like it'll be mine. I always imagined changing my name, but now I'm not sure I want to even though its really important to my fiance.

To be honest I sometimes think about changing it back. But that would be a huge headache. I did give my son my maiden name as his first name. It is a fairly common boy's name so it's not like I stuck him with some crazy name.

Weesh · April 2014

KeptInStitches said:

Several things. I'm getting my doctorate (eventually) and have already professionally established myself under my maiden name. I don't have a strong attachment to taking his name. And I just don't want to.

All of this.

Right now, I don't feel the overwhelming need to take his name. I'm a teacher, and I have several degrees and certifications in my maiden name. I have always wanted to keep my name in the classroom and beyond. My fiance doesn't have a strong attachment to his name. He was in and out of foster care, and he was adopted when he was 12. He also has an ex-wife who kept his name. While that doesn't really factor into my decision, it's something that I've thought about.

He also has two sisters and one brother, and none of his sisters or his SIL have taken their spouses name. His sister's children have two last names (not hyphenated) and his SIL's children have the last name of their dad. I might revisit the name when we have children, but I'm in no rush right now.

larrygaga · April 2014

My maiden name is awful and my new name will be lovely. I always knew I would change my name ever since I first started getting teased about my name when I was like 5. I have brothers to carry on our name, so no worries there.

KytchynWitche · April 2014

I've never had any real attachment to my name, but I did briefly consider keeping it because I'm a writer and all the articles I've done in the last two years have been published under it.

To me, my name is just a name, I don't really care whether it's mine, FI's, or something random off a cereal packet. But FI was visibly upset when I brought up the possibility of not taking his name, not in any controlling, anger issues, foreshadowing domestic abuse kinda way, just he was hurt at the idea of us not having the same name.

We did talk about both changing our name to something else but apparently Cuddlebuns and McCuterson are not valid options and we couldn't agree on any serious names, and hyphenating isn't an option because FI is already a hyphenate. Seeing as he's kinda attached to his name and I'm not to mine, and he cares about the name change issue and I really don't, I'm taking his name.

But only one person can make that decision, and you need to make the one that's right for you.

Changing your name?

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