Wedding Party

Trouble in BM paradise

Hello fellow Knotters, First off, let me start by saying thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read my lovely rant. So here it goes: My fiancée and I have been engaged since NYE, 2012. Our wedding is August 24th of this year. I hAve 3 BM, and one of them is his cousin. The trAde off was that my best friend is standing up as a groomsman so his cousin is my BM. Problem: I honestly dk where to begin. When was first asked her to be in the wedding, I was hesitant and had my doubts, but I didn't say anything throughout this whole process, I was hoping that some way and somehow, her and I will be able to build a relationship. Flash forward to September of last year, we find out that she's pregnant (and as of now is overdue) and will be getting married in November. I understand and empathize with her for all the changes and stress that she's going through right now, however, when I try to call her or to meet with her, she never has time. My FH have told me on 3 occasions that if I needed anything to let her know. This is puzzling bc she has my number and knows how to contact me. I have scheduled 3 different dress fittings for my girls to which she has attended none. For one of them, she didn't even bother to call or text me to let me know she wouldn't be able to make it. It was a NCNS. I ask her opinions on dress options and try to work around her schedule but she has yet to been bother to attempt to let me know when she was able to go look at dresses. I have gone with my other 2 BM together once, and the other two times, it was with each one solo bc the other could not make it. I understand we all lead busy lives and I don't expect my BM to cater to my needs, but when I ask her to let me know when is a good time for her to go, she never even made the effort to get back to me. At one point, I called her 3 times in 2 weeks to talk to her and never got a response or call back. Not even to this day My MOH and other BM have already ordered their dresses. I sent her a pic of the BM dress and asked her if she was ok with it or would she rather pick something different, she said that it was fine. I then asked will she be ordering the dress before or after the baby gets here and she never answered me. This was back In January! She's not only been unresponsive, but short and I know for sure she has no interest in being in this wedding. I feel like the only reason why she said yes is bc of him and felt like she was obligated to. I don't expect her to care about this wedding bc of me, but she is like a little sister to him. My FH talked to her about the new changes in her life bc we didn't want her to feel overwhelmed with being a new mother and getting married on top of having to dedicate her time to someone else's wedding. After he spoke to her (bc I can never get a hold of her), I was informed that she told him she's able to do this and she's fine since she doesn't have much to do but show up to her wedding bc everything is pretty much done. My girls have been talking to me about my Bridal shower and asking me about the details of it. My biggest concern right now is that there are 3 ppl in this bridal party, but only 2 are making an effort(one of them have 2 kids under the Age of 7and lives over an hour from me). I don't feel that it's fair to my other girls to have to take on the extra responsibilities (esp financially) bc quite frankly, she just isn't giving a rats ass. On top of everything else, she hasn't even ordered her dress yet. I contacted her earlier this week about meeting her to talk about wedding details (bc I want to see where her head is at) but she said she couldn't due to them anticipating the baby's arrival. I didn't want to be inconsiderate so I congratulated her and said to keep us posted. Needless to say, she hasn't bothered to call or message me all week but she's been doing stuff here and there and checking in on FB. My biggest worry right now is her not showing up to the reheArsal and backing out a month before the wedding. At this point, I am just BEYOND fed up. I know I'm not her favorite person, but we are both adults and I feel like whatever her problem with me is,at the end of the day, she's doing this for my FH and she's just not giving a crap about him or the wedding, and I wish she would really just come out and say it bc it will save everyone the time and energy. I am so up to my neck fed up and I really want to tell her that she either needs to get it together or get out, but I don't want to be a bitch or be inconsiderate bc she will be a brand new mother. I also really want to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her about what her hold up is before I make any hasty decisions (only by she's family). Please help!!!!
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Re: Trouble in BM paradise

  • Do you ever call her to just talk about her life? She has a lot of changes going on and you seem to be really focused on your wedding, which is the focus of your life, but not of her life.

    Regardless, just find out her budget, pick out a dress, tell her what the dress is, and then it's on her to get the right dress and show up on time.

    She doesn't need to participate in your multiple BM dress shopping trips.

    If she doesn't show up, or if she doesn't buy the right dress, she's taken herself out of the wedding and it's not your problem. Don't kick her out. That's a friendship-ending move.

    Hello fellow Knotters,

    First off, let me start by saying thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read my lovely rant. So here it goes:
    My fiancée and I have been engaged since NYE, 2012. Our wedding is August 24th of this year. I hAve 3 BM, and one of them is his cousin. The trAde off was that my best friend is standing up as a groomsman so his cousin is my BM.
    Problem: I honestly dk where to begin. When was first asked her to be in the wedding, I was hesitant and had my doubts, but I didn't say anything throughout this whole process, I was hoping that some way and somehow, her and I will be able to build a relationship. Flash forward to September of last year, we find out that she's pregnant (and as of now is overdue) and will be getting married in November. I understand and empathize with her for all the changes and stress that she's going through right now, however, when I try to call her or to meet with her, she never has time.
    My FH have told me on 3 occasions that if I needed anything to let her know. This is puzzling bc she has my number and knows how to contact me. I have scheduled 3 different dress fittings for my girls to which she has attended none. For one of them, she didn't even bother to call or text me to let me know she wouldn't be able to make it. It was a NCNS.
    I ask her opinions on dress options and try to work around her schedule but she has yet to been bother to attempt to let me know when she was able to go look at dresses. I have gone with my other 2 BM together once, and the other two times, it was with each one solo bc the other could not make it. I understand we all lead busy lives and I don't expect my BM to cater to my needs, but when I ask her to let me know when is a good time for her to go, she never even made the effort to get back to me. At one point, I called her 3 times in 2 weeks to talk to her and never got a response or call back. Not even to this day
    My MOH and other BM have already ordered their dresses. I sent her a pic of the BM dress and asked her if she was ok with it or would she rather pick something different, she said that it was fine. I then asked will she be ordering the dress before or after the baby gets here and she never answered me. This was back In January!
    She's not only been unresponsive, but short and I know for sure she has no interest in being in this wedding. I feel like the only reason why she said yes is bc of him and felt like she was obligated to. I don't expect her to care about this wedding bc of me, but she is like a little sister to him.
    My FH talked to her about the new changes in her life bc we didn't want her to feel overwhelmed with being a new mother and getting married on top of having to dedicate her time to someone else's wedding. After he spoke to her (bc I can never get a hold of her), I was informed that she told him she's able to do this and she's fine since she doesn't have much to do but show up to her wedding bc everything is pretty much done.
    My girls have been talking to me about my Bridal shower and asking me about the details of it. My biggest concern right now is that there are 3 ppl in this bridal party, but only 2 are making an effort(one of them have 2 kids under the Age of 7and lives over an hour from me). I don't feel that it's fair to my other girls to have to take on the extra responsibilities (esp financially) bc quite frankly, she just isn't giving a rats ass. On top of everything else, she hasn't even ordered her dress yet.
    I contacted her earlier this week about meeting her to talk about wedding details (bc I want to see where her head is at) but she said she couldn't due to them anticipating the baby's arrival. I didn't want to be inconsiderate so I congratulated her and said to keep us posted. Needless to say, she hasn't bothered to call or message me all week but she's been doing stuff here and there and checking in on FB. My biggest worry right now is her not showing up to the reheArsal and backing out a month before the wedding. At this point, I am just BEYOND fed up. I know I'm not her favorite person, but we are both adults and I feel like whatever her problem with me is,at the end of the day, she's doing this for my FH and she's just not giving a crap about him or the wedding, and I wish she would really just come out and say it bc it will save everyone the time and energy.
    I am so up to my neck fed up and I really want to tell her that she either needs to get it together or get out, but I don't want to be a bitch or be inconsiderate bc she will be a brand new mother. I also really want to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her about what her hold up is before I make any hasty decisions (only by she's family). Please help!!!!

    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    ElleNguyenPrettyGirlLost
  • Thanks for your responses guys. @hisgirlfriday13, her and I have no sort of communication. When my FH and I first started dating each other, we were on really good terms, then it seemed like overnight, things changed completely. I have tried to talk to her about this to resolve it. My main focus to meet with her face to face is to resolve any issues that she feels we have between us bc we will be around each other for the rest of our lives. Anytime I'm around her, she doesn't talk to me. I try to strike up a convo with her and she's completely unresponsive and just gives me One word answers. Of course I don't expect for other ppl to care about my wedding and I do understand she's got A LOT going on in her life, but I have opened the doors many .times for her to come talk to me and she never has. When I asked her about the dress, not only did I send her a picture of it, but the link for the info (how to order, price,etc). I asked her if she was ok with it and she said yes. I have not heard from her since then. The only thing that bothers me to all end about this is that she doesn't seem to be open to communicating with me, but has no problem talking to my fiancé. Maybe I am being hasty, but I just feel like as adults, we both should be able to talk to each other about any issues we have, mo matter how uncomfortable it maybe. Esp now that we are family! PS--I may need something stronger than wine.
  • If she's not willing to talk to you, there's not much you can do, sadly.

    I'd tell your FI, 'I've reached out to her, I've heard nothing, I'm washing my hands of this. She knows what dress to buy; if she doesn't buy it, she's not in the wedding.'

    You can't spend your time trying to force a relationship with someone who won't meet you half-way. She doesn't seem to want to meet you half-way, so you've done all you can do.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    chibiyuidoeydoOliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • @hisgirlfriday13, you are soooo right! I did spend a lot of time trying to establish a relationship With her and I did stop trying at one point bc as you said, there's only so much one can do. The only reason why I started giving it more effort again is bc I was hoping that with her being in the wedding , we would have somehow rekindle our friendship. As far as the bridal shower goes, would it be too bitchy for the girls to ask her to chip in financially and/or ask her to help?
  • Sarah, I don't think you have read what I've written carefully. Since September of last year I have been trying to get her to look at dresses with many attempts and she never responded to me. There is no way I expect a 9 month pregnant woman to go now but back in September, she was only 2 months pregnant. After my other BM picked out her dress, I sent her the info to see if she was ok with the selection, color, pricing, etc. And she said it was fine. This was back in January. I then asked her if she had planned on ordering the dress before or after the baby's arrival and she never answered me, not even to this day. I'm very well aware that everyone leads busy lives and she's got a lot going on so the other times that she was not able to make it, I told her to let me know when is a good day for her to go and I can work around it, and even then she never got back to me.
  • I also realized that bc she's got so much going on and these are very life changing events, I've talked to my FH about it bc I don't want her to feel overwhelmed and/or pressured to do this. I want her to be able to enjoy the day and herself just as much as I do. So after he spoke to her about her pregnancy and upcoming wedding (why? Bc she doesn't respond to my phone calls), she informed him that she's fine.
  • Yup, I totally agree. The only thing that sucks and honestly makes me really sad is that now we are family and things aren't any better. I know being family doesn't make you have great relationships with other ppl, but my FH really loves her and thinks the world of her. Like I previously stated, she's like a little sister to him and that's why it was so important to him that she's in our wedding. So even just beyond the wedding itself, it's sad to see that at one point we had a great relationship and when it turned sour, she won't even give me the time of day to talk things out. I don't want it to be awkward ans full of tension when we are around each other anymore bc that makes me uncomfortable and makes me not want to be in the same room as her (I know, childish). Oh well! Only so much you can do!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Yup, I totally agree. The only thing that sucks and honestly makes me really sad is that now we are family and things aren't any better. I know being family doesn't make you have great relationships with other ppl, but my FH really loves her and thinks the world of her. Like I previously stated, she's like a little sister to him and that's why it was so important to him that she's in our wedding. So even just beyond the wedding itself, it's sad to see that at one point we had a great relationship and when it turned sour, she won't even give me the time of day to talk things out. I don't want it to be awkward ans full of tension when we are around each other anymore bc that makes me uncomfortable and makes me not want to be in the same room as her (I know, childish). Oh well! Only so much you can do!
    It's too late for this now, but you could have told your FH to have her stand up with him and not you.
    doeydoBlue_BirdPrettyGirlLostScoutF
  • You know, I actually did. I told him that it would be better off for her to stand on his side and my best friend stand on my side, but he thought that was "weird"
    I told him it wasn't and I've seen plenty of ppl who do it.
  • Girllll why was I just saying the EXACT same thing to him last night??? I said if she doesn't want to be involved then fine, can't force her and I am understanding of her situation, BUT I have a fear of her not showing up to the rehearsal and/or the wedding day itself too. This is exactly why I mentioned for her to stand on his side, bc I foresaw all this happening and really wanted to avoid it.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Girllll why was I just saying the EXACT same thing to him last night??? I said if she doesn't want to be involved then fine, can't force her and I am understanding of her situation, BUT I have a fear of her not showing up to the rehearsal and/or the wedding day itself too. This is exactly why I mentioned for her to stand on his side, bc I foresaw all this happening and really wanted to avoid it.
    My now SIL had one of her bridesmaids no-show at her wedding.  I don't know all the details, but this other girl never came.  It would have been long distance for her.  But the wedding went just fine.  Just tell yourself that your future happiness and the success of your wedding don't depend on what this chick does or doesn't do.  Then let it go.  All onus for her bad attitude towards you is on her, not you.
    OliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • Thanks, Jen. I've discussed the possibility of her not showing up to the wedding with my FH and I told him that I wouldn't even care if there were 3 on his side and only 2 on mine (numbers don't matter to me) bc I would rather have a small number witu ppl who genuinely care about me and love me than someone who's in the wedding and could give two shits about it
  • I was pleasantly surprised by one of my BMs showing up for my wedding. She hadn't bothered to RSVP to the shower (hosted by my godmother, not the BMs), or the wedding itself, or the bachelorette party (organised by the MOH), so I figured it was a crap shoot that she'd show up the the wedding.

    If she's obviously this disinterested, I wouldn't have the other BMs even ask her about the shower; just assume she's not interested.

    Also, the next time your FI says something about her 'being involved,' remind him of all the times you've tried, all the times you've been rebuffed, and that she is HIS cousin so HE can involve her if he thinks she needs to be involved.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Sarah, I don't think you have read what I've written carefully. Since September of last year I have been trying to get her to look at dresses with many attempts and she never responded to me. There is no way I expect a 9 month pregnant woman to go now but back in September, she was only 2 months pregnant. After my other BM picked out her dress, I sent her the info to see if she was ok with the selection, color, pricing, etc. And she said it was fine. This was back in January. I then asked her if she had planned on ordering the dress before or after the baby's arrival and she never answered me, not even to this day. I'm very well aware that everyone leads busy lives and she's got a lot going on so the other times that she was not able to make it, I told her to let me know when is a good day for her to go and I can work around it, and even then she never got back to me.
    Even then her body was changing due to the pregnancy and trying on dresses would not have worked.  This isn't a maternity dress she is shopping for, that would have been easy.  This is a dress for after giving birth.  She has no idea what her body will be like.  She may lose a ton of weight right away.  She may hold onto it forever.  Even if she loses it all her body shape may be different.  Her breasts could increase several cup sizes and stay there, or go back to their pre-pregnancy size, or get smaller.  Plus if she's breastfeeding the dress may not be conducive to that.

    If you knew she was due to give birth this week and why would you have contacted her to get together to talk about your wedding?  And when she said she couldn't did you expect her to take to her bed and do nothing until she went into labor?  So what if she is doing other stuff and checking Facebook.  She has a ton of emotions going on right now and is probably just trying to keep busy.    

    Either she'll get the dress and show up to the wedding or she won't.  Leave it at that.  


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    abbyj700PrettyGirlLost
  • @mysticl I honestly dk why you are so upset by what I've said. I know she's going through a lot. Getting married and having a baby are very life changing events. I understand and I get it. If you go back through my responses, I've clearly stated i know we all lead busy lives and I have been told by every dress consultant I've met and my BM that I an the most laid back and easy going bride they've ever met. The only reason why I told her I wanted to meet up and discuss "wedding" stuff is bc any other time that I've reached out to her to try to talk about our relationship, she blows me off. You don't think I have attempted to message and call her and reached bc I know and understand everything she's going through?? I have and again, no response. I've told my FH that if she needs anything or has something she has to talk to me about, to please to come me (why? Again bc she blows me off). IDC if u can't make it to everything or even anything, but communicate it with me! Why? Bc we are two grown ass women.
  • And it seems like her way of dealing with me is by blowing me off, which isn't fair to me bc I'm sure she wouldn't want any of her BM doing it to her.
  • I think people keep responding because you keep saying you understand, but then keep expressing your anger at her for "blowing you off."

    Look, my fiance's best man is engaged to a girl I'm just not crazy about. She tries to talk to me about their wedding all the time and about "clearing the air" or if "I have an issue with her" and basically "why aren't we friends?" Truth is, I just don't really enjoy her. I don't want to make small talk with her, I don't care about her wedding, and I find the constant effort to formulate a relationship where there isn't one annoying. So most of the time, I text her back a couple things and then don't say anything else when she wont give it up. I may be a grown ass woman, but that means I don't want to have a relationship or wedding chat with someone I don't like. 

    It sounds like this lady doesn't WANT to communicate with you. Constantly reaching out to her at this point isn't going to probably do much but annoy her.

    At this point, it doesn't matter that she's a bridesmaid; she's someone who clearly doesn't really want to talk to you about anything. Just leave it alone. I understand it's frustrating, but you're not going to change it by badgering her about her life and your wedding ESPECIALLY when she's about to have a baby. Many overdue pregnant ladies are not the most rational or forgiving people. 

    Just consider her a psuedo-bridesmaid if that makes you feel better. She'll stand up there (maybe) on the day, and nothing else - which is fine, because that's all she has to do anyway. 
    image
    PrettyGirlLostSKPM
  • ElleNguyenElleNguyen member
    10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2014
    @PDKH--and that is exactly why I stopped trying to resolve things with her yearssss ago bc badgering someone isn't going to make the situation better. The last time I've even remotely spoke to her was in January and before that, October. Bc I know she doesn't like me, I do try to avoid the small talk, etc. but the only reason why I started giving it more effort again was bc of her being in the wedding and bc my FH mentioned something about it, so I figured why not try to kind of talk things out? But your point of view def made me see that this is a battle I'm losing, and that's ok! I actually only reconsidered it again bc my FH said if you guys are going to be around each other for the rest of your lives, then something should be talked about, whether you are friends or not after that, you both can at least move on and know how to handle and deal with one another. I just feel bad for my fiancé bc he clearly sees how annoyed I am and knows that she's also Being bogus and I feel like he's stuck in the middle.
  • Alright - gotta echo @mysitcl here - she can't try on bridesmaids dresses, nor could she at 2 months. Her body is going to completely change. Be patient with this. She's not purposefully trying to ruin your day by not trying on dresses - she's growing a human being inside of her.

    I'll also echo the you might just be annoying her at this point. And your wedding isn't the end all be all of her busy life right now. She said she likes the dress and she'll buy it. That's all she needs to do.

    And finally...you keep saying you messaged her. I know everyone loves texting today - but perhaps a phone call to check on her pregnancy status or stop by with some icecream or something you know she likes would be better. If she and FI are close as you said, the two of you could do something for her to help she and her FI out. Make it not so much about you if you're really interested in having a relationship with her. BUT be prepared that she can make her own choices on who she'd like to be friends with. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • @mysticl I honestly dk why you are so upset by what I've said. I know she's going through a lot. Getting married and having a baby are very life changing events. I understand and I get it. If you go back through my responses, I've clearly stated i know we all lead busy lives and I have been told by every dress consultant I've met and my BM that I an the most laid back and easy going bride they've ever met. The only reason why I told her I wanted to meet up and discuss "wedding" stuff is bc any other time that I've reached out to her to try to talk about our relationship, she blows me off. You don't think I have attempted to message and call her and reached bc I know and understand everything she's going through?? I have and again, no response. I've told my FH that if she needs anything or has something she has to talk to me about, to please to come me (why? Again bc she blows me off). IDC if u can't make it to everything or even anything, but communicate it with me! Why? Bc we are two grown ass women.
    I'm not the least bit upset.  I'm just pointing out that for all of your claims you are not being understanding. You expected her to be able to pick a dress while pregnant. You come across like you are upset that she doesn't want to talk to you when she is 40+ weeks pregnant and that you think if she can't/won't talk to you she shouldn't be doing anything all.  

    It's pretty obvious you don't like each other and probably never will.  You shouldn't have asked her to be your bridesmaid but you did so just suck it up and deal.  At future family functions be civil, make small talk, and move on.  At some point your FI will figure out you aren't going to be besties. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    grumbledore
  • @Abby & @Mysticl--I def for sure understand where both of you are coming from and I didn't pick her to be in the BP, my FH did bc my best friend is one of the groomsman.
    Abby--I have tried calling her, many times, with no returned calls or anything. I also completely understand what yiu guys are saying as far as her trying on dresses, but even from rhe beginning when I've stated to her that if she needs anything bc she's pregnant, then let me know, but she's never reached out to me. I get your point Abs about bejng there for her, but it's really hard to when the other person isn't reciprocating your effort. I did talk to her one day about setting up a double date for her fiancé and us to hang out bc I've never met him. She didn't answer, which is fine bc I know she's busy so I just let it go. When I asked my FH a few days later about how she was doing, he said she had mentioned the same thing I did. I actually never really saw this from a different point of view and I messaged her yesterday asking about the baby and her easter.
    On one hand, I totally get what both you guys are saying and I do want to put in the effort, but like @PDKH said, I surely don't want to be badgering her at this point. Oh well, u just gotta let things run its course. Thanks yall!
  • Your wedding is in August. Call her in July, ask if she has the dress , and if she doesn't have it or have a plan to get it, she's not a bridesmaid.
    ElleNguyen
  • Your wedding is in August. Call her in July, ask if she has the dress , and if she doesn't have it or have a plan to get it, she's not a bridesmaid.
    THIS. Why worry? Seriously? You are stressing over the ball that isn't in your court anymore. If she doesn't get the dress, that means she will be taking herself out of the WP. Not you.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Emmy1493 said:
    Your wedding is in August. Call her in July, ask if she has the dress , and if she doesn't have it or have a plan to get it, she's not a bridesmaid.
    THIS. Why worry? Seriously? You are stressing over the ball that isn't in your court anymore. If she doesn't get the dress, that means she will be taking herself out of the WP. Not you.
    I wouldn't even call her at this point.  If she shows up on your wedding day with the dress, then she is in the wedding!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Emmy1493 said:
    Your wedding is in August. Call her in July, ask if she has the dress , and if she doesn't have it or have a plan to get it, she's not a bridesmaid.
    THIS. Why worry? Seriously? You are stressing over the ball that isn't in your court anymore. If she doesn't get the dress, that means she will be taking herself out of the WP. Not you.
    I wouldn't even call her at this point.  If she shows up on your wedding day with the dress, then she is in the wedding!
    This.



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